Why-o, why-o, why-o would a girl move to Ohio?

And why would she leave the perfect job that she JUST started a week ago? And why would she leave a free-rent house-sitting position? And why would she leave all of her family & friends she loves to see?

I can tell you why. Because I am getting married and my fiance just accepted a job offer in Cincinatti. I can't believe it! Ohio! What the heck is in Ohio?! Three of the 5 fastest-dying cities in the nation, if you read & believe MSN. THAT'S ENCOURAGING!

It has been a decision of a lot of mixed emotions for Ben & I. My job here is not one I have much of a hope of finding again. So, that's a bit painful. And we really weren't thinking to leave Utah for another few years. We had a great set up here and so many friends & family.

However, it's a great job opportunity for Ben. There is also potential for great educational opportunities for Ben out there. All things taken into consideration, it's the best thing for us to do. Especially because his current employer is just a few notches below the level of ridiculous that MY previous employer was. That is BAD.

And on my side, while it may sound like a big sacrifice, it's not so much when looking objectively: while I may not find THIS nonprofit job again, there are nonprofit jobs absolutely everywhere. And I can run the dress business from anywhere. I never realized before how portable me and all of my careers are. I'm incredibly versatile. And handy. Biotech pharmaceutical companies ---- are not everywhere.

One of the most interesting elements of this whole situation is the unexpected satisfaction I get in being able to support Ben. The sacrifice of my treasured job and all the things I have held dear here is strangely rewarding. It's like I'm offering that up as a kind of contribution, "payment in good faith" to our relationship. I'm gonna be SUCH a good wife! I can already tell. And so humble too!

Weird. All this marriage stuff. We're not even married yet. And torture of all tortures, he'll actually be starting work in Ohio on Sept. 8th, so I don't even get to see him the last two weeks before the wedding. Then again, that may be a good thing. No need to worry about being good behavior....

So, all in all, Ohio doesn't sound THAT bad. Don't get me wrong. It WOULD. But it sounds a lot better to me with Ben there. Marriage..... it certainly changes things. And people.

Wedding Plans

It's kind of an interesting thing to plan a wedding.

See, I've never really sat & planned out my wedding, browsed through wedding magazines or made seasonal centerpieces in anticipation of the big day. As a matter of fact, the whole seasonal centerpiece thing is something I hadn't even heard of until yesterday, when my sister was telling me she felt like a weirdo because she was one of the few BYU female students who wasn't preoccupied with this activity. I happen to think that particular activity sounds kind of.... weird. Who does that?

Anyhow, despite my lack of preparation, anticipation and research on the subject, I am glad to find that I pretty much know what I want. Colors -- check. Temple selection -- check. Reception style -- check. Dress -- check. Not that I'm saying it's easy to put it all together. It takes time. And pains. And coordination. And vendor research. But it's just not rocket science.

Ben likes to be involved in some of it -- things like picking out the venue, the photographer... The rest is kind of overwhelming for him. Truthfully, even those couple of things are kind of overwhelming for him. I give him small doses of wedding details to deal with at one time. Otherwise, I might make him implode.

Since having gotten myself into all this I have discovered a few things about wedding plans, which I think hold true to wedding planning in general.

Rules of Wedding Planning:

1) You WILL offend someone. Guaranteed.

2) The consumerization (is that even a word?) of weddings and that mass conglomerate of businesses that make up the wedding industry are: absolutely ridiculous! Since when is a wedding supposed to cost the equivalent of the downpayment on a house? Or a college education? I don't get it.

3) Lots of photographers, not so many venues. Prioritize reservation-getting accordingly.

4) Hiring a band, coincidentally, is a great way to inspire your fiance to want to take dance lessons. Just a perk, if you're interested. (It was completely unintentional and uncoerced, I swear.)

5) You need only get a couple wedding magazines, really. And you can probably get them from someone else without having to buy them. (something I discovered after having spent about $40+ on my own mags and then being gifted with a pile-full from friends).

6) You should make a great effort to save money and refrain from frivolous expenses in an effort to help with wedding costs, honeymoon expenses and to save for your future together. Unless, of course, a $130 handbag that you absolutely love and must have attacks you while shopping. (I'm not feeling any guilt about that purchase whatsoever. Really... Okay, maybe a little. Alright, a lot. But I need it! Is this going to be the effect EVERY time I do something like this? I really used to enjoy buying guilty pleasures with very little guilt.Please tell me these days aren't over!?!??)

Ahh, marriage. It's kind of an interesting thing.

Special Announcement

Ok, so another reason I haven't had a lot to blog about the last couple of weeks is because, aside from being busy with the dress business, I have been very busy with other plans that I have not, until now, been able to formally announce. However, Male and I have just decided it's too hard to keep a secret from people (and to be quite honest, I have been terrible with leaking it out to certain people who it seemed impossible for me not to tell. I am too honest and open a person to keep this kind of a secret well. I mean really! Especially when you put me in a car on a 6 hour trip to Vegas for three days with three VERY GOOD friends.)

So, without further ado: Ben and I are getting married.

TADA!

Many of you have known this was coming. I've kinda known too. But only kinda. What can I say? It's not right till you're ready, and we really took THIS long for that to happen. And now it's great! I am really, really excited! Especially because now we are doing all that planning and preparation stuff and it's getting kind of fun. I just bought my wedding dress today! Now, of course, finding the right shoes... that is going to take me more time. MUCH more time.

We have also picked a date & time. We will be wed on Friday, September 26th, 2008 at the Bountiful Temple and be having a reception in Salt Lake that night. Please mark your calendars as very very busy that day and expect invitations with cheesy, happy couple pictures to be coming in the mail within the next couple months.

It is so soon, and I have virtually no time to plan an event like this, especially when the date is so soon (did I mention it was soon?), and I think we're nuts for doing so fast. Fast being relative, considering we've been buzzing around each other, dating and talking to and about each other for the past three years. But you know what I mean.

Umm, yeah. So, that's my big news. Wedding plans. And for anyone who doesn't know -- Male is Ben.

Of course, now I might actually have to tell him about my blog. Geez. Hmm... Maybe not QUITE yet. Somethings are better disclosed AFTER the wedding day. :)

A Delightful Evening

Some things are really small but are cause for much delight.

Last night I spent an evening catching up on my book club reading. This month we'd chosen to read The Bronze Bow. As I read the first chapter, I quickly became aware the book was not what I expected it to be. It was totally different material from what we usually read. And, of course, last month we read The Book Thief, by Marcus Zusak-- one of the best books I've read in years. Simply amazing, beautiful and beautifully written. So with that history, any book following that act is bound to disappoint, right? Well, wouldn't you know it, as I realized the preface of this book, I was disappointed. The book was set in the time of Christ. Any book that is fiction that is also talking about Christ always throws me off. I'm overloaded with a watchful, anxiouys eye-out for weird theology the author may be trying to creep into the story (It may be paranoia, but I can't help it and I find it exhausting).

Anyhow, despite my anxiety over the type of story and it's setting and a couple of the characters, I really couldn't help but like the overall story and the main character. So, read, read, read. I was reading for so long I felt like I was getting bed sores.

It was almost 10pm. Then Male called. He had been watching the basketball game at a friend's house. We chatted briefly. And then -- "So, do you want me to stop by?" "Yes, that would be great. Are you almost here?" "Yep." "Ok, See you in a few." Moments later, Male is here. We chat for several minutes, talking about my ridiculously expensive car insurance (I can't help it. I don't even KNOW I'm speeding, and it's hard to stop doing something when you don't know you're doing it.)And then arguments about eye color. Male's are blue, but they have some goldish yellow in the middle. He classifies them as "hazel" on his driver's license. And for the record, my eyes are hazel. Not brown. Hazel. They've got some green in the middle (I've always wanted green eyes, so I really treasure the bit of it that I have and get disappointed whenever people fail to notice it). And then, Male left.

I went back to my book, which I was still warming up to, with a big grin on my face and a flutter in my chest. I read till about 12:30, at which point I had finished the book and knew I should have stopped reading and gone to sleep an hour earlier. But who can fall asleep when they are moments away from the end of the story? Not I.

Most of the hours of that evening-- not remarkable at all. And suddenly just a few minutes made them all delightful. Moments like that remind me of why relationships are wonderful. Sometimes I'm terribly dull and I can't always feel that excitement. But then sometimes, like last night, I do feel it. What a lovely way to spend an evening.

Shattered

I was talking with my sister the other day. She is droning through her last few days (we hope) of pregnancy waiting for her new little boy. She already has 4 boys and a girl. They are all adorable. But, clearly, the little female is a minority. I asked my sister if she was happy to be having another boy.

For the record, she's delighted to be having a boy. Slightly detouring from that point, my sister expounded on how she thinks Clara, her daughter, will respond to the baby. We talked a bit about how she is now, with being the only girl. Clara is delightful, cute, a total ham,... Clara is many things. She can be rough and tumble and hold her own amongst her brothers. And she's definitely a girl. She insists on wearing more pink than any three year old I've ever met before. And she doesn't get it from her mother -- her mother hates pink. It's also been determined that she likes being the only girl. And She LOVES my sister. My sister is both mother and, more significantly, the only other girl in the house. Along with this hard to come by quality, however, comes certain consequences. My sister says she notices when Clara gets reprimanded for something, it shatters her completely. And I can imagine why. It is very traumatic to have your one, truly most significant and only constant female friend in the world be upset with you.

I had to smile a bit as we talked about this aspect of Clara, as I think she and I may have this in common. Poor girl. Hopefully she can grow out of it. I don't know that I can.

It's a hard thing when one has to come to terms with oneself. Sometimes my emotions get so big, they start to not fit inside and then start to leak out so that I have no choice but to admit that I have them. Very unfortunate, as I find it's so convenient to just ignore them most of the time. But when they make themselves so darn obvious, ignoring is nigh unto impossible! What's a girl to do?

Well, cry, of course.

My new personal realization: compliments are important to me. Previously, when considering the 5 languages of love, that one was always one of the lower-ranking priorities. I'd almost opted to drop it off the list completely at one point, but then thought better of it and figured all of the languages are probably beneficial to some degree. Due to recent events, it has been determined that compliments should be moved up to a higher status.

Lately, I find myself being in the lot of what I'd like to call "noncompliments." Things like: I'll not like you if you ever cut your hair short, you eat weird food, I disapprove of you when you cook with alcohol, you don't clap enough in performances, when you dress up you make me look bad, you don't vacuum enough, I can't believe you'd DARE to put your hand down the garbage disposal, you're not careful, your outfit is terrible..

I could go on, but it'll just make me sad if I do. I think Male and I have gotten to a place where he is very comfortable. So comfortable, in fact, that he has forgotten to pay attention to the fact that most of what comes out of his mouth is everything he doesn't like about me. They're probably things he was also too polite to say previously. I assume he likes me. And I think he forgets to express this because he probably assumes that I know.

Well, I do know. Despite this, I have been shattered for an entire two weeks, dizzy with all the noncompliments that are swimming around in my head. My one big friend in the world is upset with me. Often. It's some cause for concern that I have so much in common with a three year old.

Who is responsible?

So, I had a phone call from a friend the other day, and everything was fine and normal. We chat pretty much daily, so not much changes necessarily from day to day. However, today, she called, I had absolutely nothing to talk about. As a matter of fact she was busy doing some monotonous task and just wanted to be entertained.

My question I thus pose is, who is responsible to carry the conversation? Is it the person who called or the recipient of the call? Initially, I would assume that the initiator or caller is responsible to 1. have something to talk about, or 2. ask some sort of questions to further the conversation.

Thoughts?

Weekly Word: "Spender"

Through research, the general population of economists and financial advisors have found most people "grow into" their income. There's that initial point of being able to meet needs, (which I think is somewhere around $30,000 for a family of 4), and then everything after is really just the extra comforts and niceties we know, love and would like to know better .

I have reached the point where I am meet my own basic needs. Hallelujah. And now? Ooooh. I can easily imagine "getting by" on practically double my salary. I look forward to the year I can get my hair done regularly and fly to Europe for a two and a half week vacation, stomping and frolicking all over London and Paris. At that time, I would ideally be vacationing away from my fabulous home which I have filled with creature comforts of lovely furniture and home decor. Am I asking for a lot? Growing up in America where bigger is always better and spending money is fashionable, I might seem a "reasonable"gal. Take me to Africa and they would likely think me a Diva. It's just so hard to figure out "reasonable" when you look from a global rather than national perspective. It'd be easier for me if I didn't do that. Note to self: endeavor to be less globally minded. Then you won't feel so bad for being such a spender.

In looking at spending from another angle, I think about lavish hopes and wants and needs in relationships. You can lavish someone with kind deeds, thoughtfulness, affection, listening, patience, service, selflessness and a whole bunch of things. These things are free as far as money is concerned. But can you overspend? Can you give someone too much? And then, what about the receiving side? How do you know what your budget is? How do you know what it should be.

It makes a lot of sense to look at this kind of budget in terms of romantic relationships as well. I am reminded of the "love languages" theory. Let me think.... If I remember correctly, we have: physical affection, acts of service/kindness, compliments, gifts and quality time. Amongst these categories, one could draw out a budget of what you need and also what you tend to spend. Then, compare with whoever it is you are or would like to be romantically "relationed" to and see if you can adjust and meet each other's needs. It's TOTALLY like a budget. And if you or they can't do that... well... much like a job that can't pay your bills, you should likely find a different one that fits.

It seems to me these kinds of commodities translate into a type of universal budget that knows no class of people. What a lovely idea that we can all "afford" to spend and be spent on, where it would be possible that there be no poor. I suspect that I fall into the group of people who are low-budget. I don't ask much. But I have a concern. If you do that, do others budget you less because you don't seem to need it? Or does the excess go into a savings account that you can access later? Maybe I should become more expensive.....

On the other side of the coin,I don't think I give that much. Therefore, uncharacteristically, this makes me not a very big spender. I'm low budget on every end of this. How absurd. What I have in abundance I seem to dream up fewer ways to do things with. That's a really bad way to do things. From what I can make of this kind of budget, I think I should be 'spending' as much as possible. You'd think it would be so easy, considering my nature. If only that transferred into how I spend my thoughtfulness, service, patiences, affection and selflessness. Alas, I must endeavor to be a better spender AND be less globally minded. How's your spending going?

An Unexpected Twist

I'm back. I survived the family reunion. That's quite a feat, considering I was mobbed by twenty children for an entire week. No small feat considering I was also mobbed by 5 much bigger children, also known as my older brothers. For all young children hoping the tides will change, let me inform you: your male siblings will still think that dead-legs, throwing you in the pool, pushing you, sitting on you and giving you wet willies is a good idea, be he 5, 15, or 47 yrs. old. I'm reminded of the hymn "If You Could Hie to Kolob". "There is no end to matter, there is no end to space, there is no end spirit, there is no end to male immaturity."
Isn't that how it goes?

On Thursday evening, Male was expected to join the party scene. I had been quietly waiting and anticipating (I think that's part of a song too, but I can't remember which one), looking forward to having a familiar friend amongst all the slightly less familiar family. Male had a rough day on Thursday, however, and was unable to make it down that night. Plan B was for him to drive down Friday morning instead.

Friday morning came and went. So did Friday afternoon. Neither was graced with a phone call from Male. There was no sighting of him. By evening time I was quite distraught, as I had been waiting for him. Clearly my gobs and gobs of family had been as well, as they would ask me where he was and when he was coming approximately every 15 minutes. They did this from 10am til' around 4pm, which is coincidentally the hour I smashed cake and icing into someone's hair and told them my next measure would be to kill them if they said a word about him to me. Their onslaught of incessant inquisitiveness in regards to his whereabouts was like a verbal stoning for me.

He had, it seemed, stood me up. And not only that, but he had stood up my entire family. He had also stood me up in front of my family. I couldn't figure out which felt worse. I didn't know what to think. Why had he not come for me? He doesn't care that much? Suddenly my white steeded knight had opted to stay home. That's never a good thing. Knights aren't supposed to do that.

Male finally called and left a message around 5pm. His car had not been working well, and after an hour of driving he was forced to accept he wasn't going to make it to St. George. However, this message at 5pm was left an hour into his drive, which meant he had not even left for St. George until well into the afternoon. He may have had a good reason for not coming, but he hadn't come when he said he would. Nor had he called. I was hurt. Then I was mad. Then I was lost for what to do next.

Male and I talked about it. He had simply let the morning run away from him. He hadn't thought to call earlier. He could have avoided it. But he hadn't meant to do it. He really just didn't think. And he's sorry. Really? You... how? I don't understand.

I filled the next couple days with as much as possible. I went from movies to shopping to reading to work and any other distraction I could find until I had run around to the point of exhaustion, just so I could sleep. I needed to stay busy to function or risk getting lost in thought and becoming dysfunctional over my quandary with Male. Male had done this before -- probably four or five times in the last year. And it was a behavior I couldn't tolerate. He hadn't done it maliciously. He hadn't meant to hurt me. But it hurt, all the same, every time. And for something that seemed so easily avoidable, I couldn't find good reason to allow it. My only logical solution was it was over. How could I let him keep doing this over and over again? I couldn't. That was it.


I'll be honest. I was a little relieved. The freedom of being completely unattached is a lovely feeling. It's kind of exciting. But then I knew there would be pain. My urges to call him were almost uncontrollable. And I'd be a bit lonely. The most irksome and disconcerting symptom was when I looked to the future. I realized somehow Male had worked himself in as a consideration in all of my plans. So each time I ran across a plan that included Male I had to remind myself that he wasn't going to be in the picture and then had to readjust it. But he was everywhere. It was going to take a lot of replanning and erasing to get rid of him.

I wasn't so sure about this, even without a solution for stopping him from being so inconsiderate. This was really it? Really? Yup. Clearly he's not going to stop. If he was, he would have stopped after the 1st time he did it. We're on to several repeated offenses. That provides little hope. Nope. Breaking up is the only option. Huh. Okay. Really? Are you sure?

I ask around. "Is it okay to break up with your boyfriend because he's stupid?" Responses: "He did WHAT?!?!" " Think of the position that put you in." "You put up with an awful lot." It seemed, suddenly the masses were on my side -- a rare occurence. The masses aren't supposed to be on my side.

I think more. I call another couple of close friends. It's true. This is bad. Male shouldn't have. He shouldn't ever. But all men have problems like that. And if that's his one big flaw.... well, it could be worse. I mean, he cares, he doesn't touch pornography, and he cleaned your fridge while you were away. That has to say something for the boy. Hmmmmm..... Does it say enough? I had to think.

Could I get over it? Yes. But I can't have it happen all the time. I'm not ok with that. And I get tired of trusting him and then being let down over and over. That's not good for a girl's heart. Or her confidence. But I couldn't fix it with a threat either. "If you ever do this again, I will...." That's a terrible approach. I was either walking now or I had to accept the consequences of not. Future offenses could only be my own fault for staying. I knew what I was dealing with. So, what to do....

I found the answer in sacrifice, or more specifically, HIS sacrifice. And in dancing. Male must make a sacrifice when he does this. Every time he does this. This is in hopes that the sacrifice will be significant enough to remind him NOT to stand me up in the future. It's also for me to show me that he does care and is making an effort, even if he has lapses of stupidity. His sacrifice this time: Male will learn to dance with me.

Hehehe. I'm brilliant. Really, I am. It's fabulous. We tested out a couple of steps last night. Good news! He had rhythm. Who knew? This gives me hope. And despite my trying to maintain composure all the while, I couldn't hold down the corners of my mouth. I almost busted out in a fit of laughter. Male dancing! I thought it would be impossible. Apparently not. It just takes a world full of remorse. I don't know whether to be sad or glad he stood me up. Of course, we'll see if I'm saying that the next time this happens. Ah me. Life is not perfect. Neither are males. But for now, I'll keep this one.

The weekly word: "Definitely"

Well, I am a slacker, loser, and above all lame. I missed our lovely weekly word two weeks ago. Fortunately, my fellow co-blogger is not so slack induced. But alas, I start this week strong!! Strong as an ox awaiting branding....or something like that. Please, please don't brand me, and definitely don't tell someone I have been branded!

Which brings us to the weekly word "Definitely".

In connection with my previous posts of the timeliness of communication, and what that communication means in regards to making plans, we revert to when things are as close to in the present as if they were never a question. Something so solid, that pen isn't even conclusive enough. Go ahead and decorate that calendar page! Break out those markers. Bathe in the myriads of stickers which will adorn the wonderful calendar date which has been confirmed with the word "Definitely."

When working out plans to see movies, fly to europe, hang at the park, or walk the dog, there are few words which should convey the amount of conviction, dedication and resoluteness that the word Definitely entails. Now, depending on the type of person you are, and the type of plans being made, this type of commitment should not be given too far in advance.

Obviously things such as travel usually require a little more planning than average, but I would not give a definitely until you are ready to buy tickets, or have already taken the days off of work. In regards to movies, put the money on the table baby, cause we're going, so don't commit until you know you can commit. There are many other terms that could be used, like "Maybe", "Probably", "Hopefully", or phrases such as, "Planning on it." (See past and future weekly words to determine the appropriateness of each term.)

Now, if you are canceling a definitely, and don't do so unless you are willing to withstand the fires of hell or the near death of your mother, the first and utmost priority is not to call the individual. This is not like the others where a phone call as early as possible is necessary. Canceling a definitely requires thought, contemplation, and above all, presents. Yes, that's right folks, presents are deserved when making someone cross out all those hearts, starts, and balloons on their calendar. The size of the present is obviously determined in conjunction with the amount of planning and the amount of reliance by the lost and forlorn party, left to wander the streets with whipped cream on their nose and nobody to wipe it off. That candied cherry stem tied in a not left alone and unnoticed to drown the remaining pool of liquid ice cream. Oh, THE HORROR!!

So, what are we looking at for presents? It could be something as simple as a chocolate the next time you see them. Maybe even some flowers, or a combination of all of the above if a bigger event. Remember, no present and you might not be invited next time. Your status of the definitely will be translated by the receiver as a maybe, and next thing you know, they aren't showing up, you aren't showing up, and you may as well have not made plans in the first place. Take 'em out of your phone book, delete them from speed dial, cause it's over baby. That's right, O-V-E-R over!

So, to prevent some wonderful, meaningful relationships from ending, use the word definitely with due caution, and if cancelled...bring presents.

Visiting Disclosures!

So, I had some childhood friends and their spouses "pop" by for a visit the other day, and it was really good to see them, but in conversation with my fellow co-blogger, and in getting my panties in a ruffle over seemingly small and infinitesimal lapses in communication, I thought, what do you need to do in order for a visit to go smoothly?

Well, first and foremost, I think you need to say when you are coming. To say that you are coming for a visit could mean between now and the next decade, or post death. I don't know, but sometimes I have horrible nightmares about the dead coming to visit, and I don't want you to worry about fulfilling your promise to come visit me and risk me having a heart attack after seeing you in your ghoulish form.

Second, one needs to state who is coming. This can be interesting, problematic, and something I always took for granted. Who comes by and doesn't say who is coming by. Is it you? You and your spouse? You and fifty friends? If you tend to walk around in your underwear, or maybe with a facial mask on so you look like a blue alien, it would be nice to know that your kindest, sweetest most loving closest friend who has seen you like that and worse a million times is bringing by her brand new beau and the beau's really cute friend. After all, do you want to have to have a follow-up conversation disclaiming "I don't always look like a blue alien, and that holey, stained and discolored underwear fraying at the edges wasn't really left behind or stolen from my ex beau, that was just a funny little joke...ha ha." Bleh...that was horrible even typing it!

It is also important to inform the person you are visiting, what you are bringing with you. "What" should be interpreted as broadly as possible. In other words, you should also include if you are bringing any pets, mutants, deaf dumb or blind relatives who you think are insignificant, not impositional, or follow you around so much that you forget they are there. Also disclose any noxious gasses, influenzas or other sicknesses, lice, mice, fleas, and other small little critters which may decide to follow you or your famous "X" around despite your best efforts. I won't get into what needs to be disclosed or brought when visiting for a specific event, i.e. dinner, birthday, manage e trois, etcetera etcetera etcetera, but that should all be disclosed when coming for a visit.

Next, any and all desires should comfortably, without imposition, and almost begging, be clearly enunciated. This can include, "I would love to see your photo," to "would you play me your new song," all the way to "Can we roll around in the grass and stuff ice cubes down each others shorts so we look like we wet our pants?" Obviously there is give and take, with a touch of flexibility rolled into every visit and interaction. But if you know ahead of time that you would like something or to do something, aka can I sleep over? to I want to see X movie should be given a fair warning, or at a minimum no depression, complaining or infringement upon relations due to an inability or desire to fulfill said requests, demands or desires.

Lastly, alterations and changes to the planned visit should be communicated as quickly as possible, or at a minimum, before you are departing to arrive at said meeting place. The reason is, you may not know how your changes or alterations affect the other person. Although it may be something as minuscule as "I decided to wear my blue shirt instead of the yellow one." What if your dearest closest friend was counting on you to wear the yellow one because you have the exact same shirt in blue, and she is wearing the blue one. Might be a bit silly don't you think? It could also be as significant as "I feel ugly, fat and depressed and don't want to see anyone else by you," after you've decided autonomously that bringing along a new friend was just a peachy idea. So communicate everything you know as soon as you know it, after all, you are all friends.

Alas, that should make for a comfortable visit with even the most tenuous of relationships. Visit long, visit often, and make sure you disclose.

Communicating with the opposite sex

Communication with the opposite sex is probably the most over written, understudied, lack of thought and teaching applied subject in the existence of the written language. And yet, it still irks, me, still drives me crazy, and yet I still come back for more later.

It is clear that girls and boys communicate differently, but do they? I often wonder if it is more that people desire different things, but they don't necessarily communicate what they really want, or may not know what they really want.

I have often thought, and I think it appears more and more to be true, that women have no clue what they want. Life is like a big bowl of cherries, and they want them all until they have stomach cramps and have to run to the bathroom. And then, a few weeks down the road, they decide they don't want cherries at all.

In the last several months/years/decades, I have had my fair share of time withe women, girls, and people of the opposite sex. One thing I have noticed is the difference is not that they communicate differently, but that they communicate at all. We all know that when a woman or man for that matter, really wants something, they make sure that they communicate it, or they get it themselves. I have never had a girlfriend who thought something was really important and did not voice it in a way that she knew I was definitely going to understand.

But all of the sudden, you get in a relationship, and you are supposed to be telekinetic. Next thing you know, I am getting brain waves about what that person wants/needs/desires. Hello, it doesn't work that way. If you want something say it.

But what seems all to common, is that a girl doesn't know what she wants, and loves it when she gets what she wants, and is upset when you guess and you get it wrong, because you don't hit that magic button even though she couldn't tell you what that magic button is, and may be only able to tell you what that magic button isn't.

Truth be told, this can probably apply to both sexes, but I more often than not come across it with girls, and all too often with girls I date.

So, communication, it isn't that the sexes communicate differently, it is more that when a guy wants something, he usually just says it, and if it wasn't worth saying, than it wasn't worth having. If a girl wants something, she jumps up and down, does a few cart wheels, and hopes that you recognized that she just requested dinner at some lovely restaurant in the mountains with an apricot souffle for dessert. No souffle, no happy!

The Weekly Word: "Sooner"

So, in my dating extravanganza, (It really isn't so extravagant, and there is definitely no ganza going on) I have come across the all too often situation of trying to figure out when to plan date number 2,3,4,5, etc. Although when you are a student and life is fairly up to your own making, once you hit the professional world, things are not the same. There is a schedule which you have to adhere to, and then there is the all too often pop ups, which you didn't plan on, and as a religious individual, we have the all so fun regular and sometimes unexpected church duties, meetings and obligations.

So, you are left to finding two individuals that have competing schedules, trying to navigate the all to common waters of....do I like you? Which leads to the question of, well, when do I see you next? And the common response I have often after a date is "Sooner rather than later"

So what does that mean? Well, I guess we could start out that Sooner is not later. Later being a longer time than sooner, yet both being undefined and left to interpretation.

If you were in law, you would rely on one of those funny things called precedent. Precedent is when you have a series of actions or judgments of the same terminology or situation, and how they were treated previously.

So that makes it interesting, I look at how we have scheduled "outings" or dates before. It seems that there might be a toughie. We have scheduled things eh, more likely later rather than sooner. Sometimes it is over a year between our dates, but recently it has been roughly a month or more between dates.

So, in that situation, sooner rather than later could mean a month in between is sooner, and a year in between is later. Wow, that is a long time, and despite precedent that doesn't seem conducive to the event scheduled.

Which leads us to then a common mans understanding of what sooner rather than later means. My suggestion would lead me to believe that sooner means less than a month, but more than a week. Somewhere in between that time of I want to see you again to the point of spending every waking minute, and the, we'll see each other whenever we have the urge or feel like it. There is more of an urgency in sooner than the lackadaisical approach of whenever I get a free moment, but actually looking for a free moment.

So, that leads me to the one and a half and 3 week timeframe. I doubt that unless I was the president or that busy, as in the book "He just isn't that into you," (which all individuals should read), a month in between dates is not sooner. We are not so busy that we couldn't find time within a month to schedule something.

The one and a half to three week timeframe leaves enough space to accomplish whatever it is that you have eating at you to get done, yet schedule one evening where you can plan on meeting up. Obviously it is more difficult in bringing to persons busy schedules together, but it isn't that hard. If nothing else, in that time frame the planning should have at least begun. Or at a minimal contact made.

So, what am I to glean from this sooner rather than later exchange? My assumption is that either my definition of sooner is very different from hers, or "She just isn't that into me!"

A big Word: "Love"

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking about his wonderful word, as have many people, and I wanted to have a conversation about it with my dear sweet co-blogger before I posted this, but alas, my co-blogger runs to the ends of the earth to be busier and better than I. For I am forlorn and lost, a loser without a place, destined to be drifting in the whirlwinds of an endless emotionless torment, undefined by passion, language, or speech.

So, anyways, because there are so many different forms and kinds of love, and all that broad vagueness associated with feeling emotion, and the unquantifiable X factor, I will try to limit this post to "Love" in the context of pursuing a romantic relationship.

And in that context, I do not ask when is it appropriate to use it, but what does it mean?

about.com states it as "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

I guess the part that I usually get hung up on is, and this is where I might diverge from a lot of people. While I agree that love is a strong emotional response, a bigger question is, what does that mean. I often think of love as, at a minimum, a desire for commitment. Not a representation of commitment, but a desire to be committed to that person, however you define commitment. (Please remember this is only in the context of pursuing a romantic interest.)

The reason I say that is because, without the commitment portion, I don't think there is really a big difference between love and like. A degree of emotion could be the only difference, but what does a deeper sense of emotion mean if not a desire to be committed. Now, I am not going to say that commitment means marriage, or even exclusive dating, although, culturally I would argue that it is very relevant for marriage, and my gut instinct is it is relevant in exclusive dating, and that using the ol' L word is brash and unscrupulous before at a minimum exclusive dating. Granted circumstances do arise where you were dating, and are still in love with someone, and then you are in other circumstances, yada yada.

But my gut instinct is you have to have gotten there at some point in the timeline.

Anyways, so what is love? Is it just emotion? Is it commitment? Just a desire? Is it crazy? (Well, we all know the answer to that!)

The Golden Snitch

What is the Golden Snitch? Or for that matter, who is the golden snitch? After receiving a rather late phone call the other day from a dear sweet friend of undefinable relation, I wondered to myself am I their golden snitch?

In the game of Quidditch, you can bust your butt the whole game long, dodging bludgers, blocking quaffles, but without the golden snitch, good luck winning.

This dear sweet relation prone to late night phone calls is raising teenagers, who I happen to be in the rather unassuming yet comfortable position of having befriended, enjoying their company, and seem to be more so of a confidant, wise in the ways of dark, sinful and exploratory life. What better tease is there for teenagers. I feel like I am going after Hansel and Grettel.

Anyways, I delay. So, the phone call consists of, "Hi", "How are you?", "Has our teenager ever talked to you about ...."

Now, my initial response to this was, "Oh, no you didn't!" (say that in your head with some sort of urbanesque dropping of important letters and syllables, with a hand up, and that awkward yet attitude demonstrating pose of getting in someone's face!) Of course, I didn't say that, but I thought to myself, how do I answer this oh so assuming and yet very invasive question?

These questions were then followed up with questions of my personal habits or behaviors, which I was also none to thrilled about. In the end, I felt like an abused step child, beaten until I could scream no more. They gave me the truth serum, and I fought it as best I could. (mind you, plausible deniability is a wonderful thing, even in situations dealing with those of undefinable relation!!) So, the "yes we talked about it, but I don't remember anything specific or earth shattering, was a wonderful statement (it happened to also be the truth! Hallelujah for bad memories!)

Am I the golden snitch? Do I want to be the golden snitch? Are they crazy and mean for putting me in the snitch position at all? I am sure anyone who is a parent is dying to have a golden snitch, but doesn't that betray all likelihood of friendship? I guess if there was something desperately wrong, but I would probably be the instigator of the conversation in that respect than otherwise.

Is the golden snitch really the key to the game? Or in the end, do you just have to say "Oh, no you didn't!"

Tech Support Epiphany

I had a light bulb moment this morning. This occurred, mystifyingly, while dealing with the tech support at my work. Don't get any crazy ideas. It's not because my tech support is enlightening. They're anything BUT that. In fact, my experiences with them are very repetitive. They goes something like this:

1)I run into a problem with one of the program we use.
2) I call them.
3) Sometimes they don't answer for a while -- like maybe two or three days. Sometimes they do answer.
4) I tell them my problem.
5) They tell me all the reasons from 5 years to the present why I am having this problem, how hard it is to fix, how they like to do things, what we should have done previously so we wouldn't ever run into this problem, and exactly how awful and bad it is.
6) Then they tell me they don't know how to fix it yet, but they'll get back to me.

This little interlude usually ends with me figuring it out before they get back to me, calling my brother dearest to get me out of my mess because he is wise in the ways of computers, getting bad advice from tech support when they finally do get back to me, all of the above, or, on rare occasion, them getting back to me after a bit and actually resolving my problem.

It reminds me of dealing with mechanics. I feel like they're just trying to freak me out about things I don't understand, make me feel bad for mistakes I may have unknowingly made in the past that have lead me to this awful state, and praise the Lord I found them to spend LOADS of money to fix my problem. Since I despise emotional manipulation regarding things I have no emotional attachment to (like, say, cars and computers), this does not go over well with me and just makes me hate dealing with them. Leave the emotionally charged, dire straits, finger pointing nonsense at the door please. Tell me what needs to be done, present and future, and lets move on.

Here is my epiphany. In this particular situation, we've been over the causes. I've been working with these people for the past year. Fortunately, in this case, these problems aren't even my fault, as they came to be aeons before I started working at this organization. On the plus side, I am (unlike some people) very responsive and easy to work with. If you want to do something, fix something or have a question, I am reachable and happy to help. So, note to tech support: If you want to fix all this stuff, CALL ME AND FIX IT ALREADY. I don't want to hear all the reasons we have a problem. I don't want to talk about how bad it is that we're still with this service provider. I want to look to solutions, I want to move on. I do not want to dwell in whatever chaotic techy past that they so love to peruse with me.

On the broader spectrum, I think people, including myself, may do this in our own lives. We dwell on the problems and the causes . We meditate on how they may have affected us and how that may influence how we go about fixing our problems. Meanwhile, the fixing always remains a future tense kind of activity.

I see this sometimes in my logic when dealing with Male. I get upset because he did something that I consider to be a problem. Then all the emotions come back from when this has previously been a problem, why I hate it, how awful it is, etc, etc etc... It takes me a while to comeback down from this whirlwinded emotional frenzy. I think, in previous relationships, I used to stay there, immoveable, hurt that I was in this situation and sometimes even baffled. But I have learned over time. Now, I can take the situation from where it is, figure out what to do about it, and move on accordingly. I don't continue to bring it up, rehash it over and over again, punish the wrongdoer, teach somebody "a lesson", or dwell on how to fix the problem in the future.

We can be taught. Thank heavens. Now to only deduce all the other areas where I need to apply this invaluable lesson. I say to myself and all of you who may do this, MOVE ON AND GET TO THE FIXING ALREADY. In the end, the cause is really a minute part of the whole fixing process, and life would be so much better and more functional if we would stop rehashing, going over what we already know, and start moving forward. It's a very "Meet The Robinson's" kind of message. But if your experiences in dealing with this are any bit as frustrating as dealing with my tech support ( I suspect it could be even more so. what a scary thought), believe you me, it's SOOOOOO HOOO HOOO HOOO worth it.

Positives and Negatives

Yesterday was a very mixed day. Clothes, relationships, and the adventures inside my head.

I start off my day by waking up reasonably on time and trying to dress myself in something smart, flattering, comfortable and quick. I fall back on a thoughtless but well-put-together outfit I have worn several times before. No art, creativity or trying on required. It's like a microwave meal, only involving clothes.

With all the money I've spent on clothes and the good fashion sense I've been cursed with that encourages me to spend money on clothes, I have come to believe there is no reason or excuse on any given day for being schlumpy, half-put-together, dowdy, marmish or anything of the like. Not to say that it never happens. But I try to be cognizant and avoid it. It just doesn't feel good to be schlumpy. And when you have clothes that aren't, why would you wear the ones that are? It makes no sense.

My fashion sense has become much improved over the years. Even recently. I had a ghastly habit in my early, early 20's to dress more like I was in my 30's and 40's. This is because anything else cute and flattering was an article of clothing that either made me look like I should be working the corner near a nightclub or like I was 14 yrs old. I have since looked harder and found things more age appropriate and fashionable. I have also watched several episodes of What Not To Wear. Great tips there! But it's been a difficult quest. They don't make a lot of clothes for 20-something professionals. Add in the quest for modest clothes and..., well...., I imagine YOU shop too. If you're female or have shopped with a female, you know what I'm talking about and can sympathize.

Anyhow, I get ready quickly and go to work. During work, I off-handedly decide I need to take a lunch break (I don't usually take a lunch break). I leave and go to the clothing store where I work part-time, as they are having an employee sale that day. Clothes shopping -- one of my favorite past-times.

Except it hasn't been as of late. I still haven't lost the 5 extra pounds I gained from my marathon training. Body image has suffered, admittedly( but my bank account balance has benefited immensely.). I realize, logically, I'm still not overweight. So, it's not that bad and the pounds should not upset me as much as they do. I think to myself, "If I go try on clothes today, I might be more pleased with how they look than I think." I try on jeans, jeans, and more jeans ( I do believe our clothing store has the largest selection of jeans in the country.) I settle on a pair of very dark wash Genetic Denim, straight leg. They look cute, sophisticated, and almost formal. They fit surprisingly well, even around my middle where clothes tend to pinch me and give me a muffin top. And at seventy-five percent off, I am completely satisfied with the bargain. But I still don't feel cute.

Hmmm... oh well. Back to work. Work passes, blah, blah. Nothing very eventful. Ok, not true. A car DID crash into the window of one of the apartment buildings we own. That made things interesting. But that's neither here nor there. Back to my day.

At the end of my workday, I decide to go to the gym. It'll make me feel better for sure. Right? Maybe not. It's been my increase in exercise and training that's made me add the extra pounds. In that respect, the gym is like my nemesis. What to do? Alas, I love running too much. Off I go. At the end of my workout I'm gladder for it. Just as I suspected.

I go home and shower and think what to do next. I should eat. But at the moment I've decided food is my nemesis. It's the last thing I want to think about. Clean the house? Maybe. Do the dishes? I could.... Ooh, but wait! Even Better! I remember I still have my gift card for Nordtrom's I got off Ebay. Off to The Rack I go, for more clothes shopping. I can clean house after the stores close. That's much better time management. I'm so smart.

I start to think and realize my artless effort this morning has been a theme lately. I don't put any imagination into my wardrobe. I hate that. So maybe I need some new clothes....hmmm.... Yes, that's it. Of course, "need" is relative. My closet is absolutely not lacking in fullness. I could clothe an entire village in Ethiopia. But it's a new season and my closet is full of winter. It's SUMMER, for heaven sakes! I've already missed an entire season!

I am so good at justifying shopping. Too good. I go to The Rack and I try on a bunch of stuff. Ah! Detriment of all detriments -- I find several cute tops. Tops are exactly what I need. I don't seem to be at all in the mood for shoes, thankfully, so I don't bother perusing the shoe section. I grab a white handbag. That's light and springy. Check out. Done. The handbag's too expensive. I'd rather put the money towards a digital camera. I'll return it later. Maybe.

What next? I think I'll call Male. I have been seeing Male almost every day lately. And I have been liking seeing Male that often. And I'm kinda worried because I am happier and happier about he and I. Do I want to be happy about he and I? What if we never break up?!?! We might get married..... AH! And to add to my distress, I'm starting to see all the reasons we fit together well rather than all the reasons we might not. I knew I should have broken up with him months ago. I can't very well do it now. I like him too much. Crap. Talk about problems.

I wonder if I shouldn't call Male. Maybe he'd like a night off from me. But I've noticed he typically is the one to call me when we get together. I'll call him just to mix it up a bit. If he doesn't want to do something that's ok. I call, but he's not there. I call again and leave a message. As I start to drive out of the parking lot, I am about to pass the dollar theaters in the strip mall. Hmm... that could be fun. Watch a movie or do dishes? Hmmm...

Hello movie! I was on a flight recently where they were showing Bridge to Terabithia. I had really wanted to see it. But the flight was only an hour long. They were just showing previews. Cruel of them, I think. But wadda ya know!?!? It's playing at the theater tonight, and the next showing starts in 20 minutes. Off to the movies I go. Yes, I realize it's uncool to go to movies by myself. And I hadn't bothered to put make-up on after I showered from the gym. I shouldn't be galavanting about in public. But, honestly, I don't really care.

I sit in the theater and wait for the show to start. The theater is relatively empty. No surprise there. I'm watching a PG movie at 9:30 on a Tuesday night. Who does that? Apparently I do. I keep my silenced phone around in case Male calls.

In my little chair, in the row I have all to myself, I think back to previous relationships. Things were so frustrating. Neither of us seemed to be in sync. I didn't feel at home in those relationships. I was out. He was in. Then I was in. Then he was out. I felt nervous, tense, guarded... even needy. I hated that. Feeling all that. Glad not to feel that right now.

I check my phone and to my delight, Male just called. I leave the theater quickly and call him back to invite him to the movie. The movie will be starting in a few minutes, it's very last minute and I know the chances of Male coming are very small, but it would be fun to have him there, so I ask anyway.

Male shows up just about 10 minutes after the movie starts. He sits down and I quickly (and quietly) recap what he's missed. I put my head on his shoulder, which makes me a million times more happy and comfortable, and revel in the fact he came so quickly to spend time with me and watch a movie he knew nothing about. I didn't think he'd come, so it makes it an added treat. That worked out so well. Amazing!

After the movie, I think about what to tell Male about my day. I think about telling him my trauma in dealing with my 5 residual pounds. Scratch that. Bad idea. He'll think I'm silly. And I know he doesn't care about the 5 pounds. Why do I care about them? I just need to think more positively and not beat myself up. But if I do that, then I won't get rid of the 5 pounds because I'll start to really think I don't need to lose them, when I'd really look better if I did. Wait a minute? Rewind. Am I actually afraid of too much positive thinking because then I might believe the positive thinking?

I am most definitely a warped individual. Yup. Very warped. In the future, I will contemplate the effects of potentially believing positive thinking that I currently think is hogwash (only most of the time. I have breaks of sanity on occasion) because of all my negative thinking. If contemplation leads me to believe I'd be better off believing positive rather than negative thinking, maybe, just maybe I'll endorse the positive thinking. But I'm not sure yet.... even though I think I'm a moron for believing my negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are like a parasite. They suck the sense out of you and you hate it, but you're still attached to them and the procedure of pulling them out could be quite painful. Surgery. Eugh. I'll brood over it. One can't be too cautious about endorsing positive thoughts. Kinda like being too hasty about a relationship that seems to be great. Instead, I prefer being very concerned and fearful said relationship might actually work out.

Man, I'm warped. It's really amusing. I'm totally entertained by it. But often quite puzzled. On a positive note, despite said warpedness of body image and my fear of commitment, overall, my relationship with Male seems to have avoided taking on this attribute. NOT warped. Life could be worse.

The Weekly Word: "Friend"

I just got back from a weekend rafting trip with 5 friends. It was one of the most enjoyable weekends I can recall. It made me reflect on my recent trip to Vegas with 3 other friends. Equally enjoyable. In a couple days I will have a lovely Scrabble get-together with a couple other friends I haven't seen for a while. And I got a letter in the mail last week from a childhood friend of mine. The friendship between her and I is one that transcends convenience and commonalities because we've known each other for forever, we know each other all too well and we know each other to be, simply, irreplaceable.

Last week, I was speaking with a gentleman who is participating in a housing program. He has been building a house for the last year, spending all of his free time at the work site, along with seven other families who are doing the same thing. He said he is tired. Understandable! But he is more than just tired of building. While he gets along and cares about all these people he is building homes with, he said he wouldn't hang out with these people if he didn't have to. And he misses hanging out with friends of his choosing.

I think, when I hear this at first, that he's missing something. How could you not cherish these friendships more?! Some of the people I've "had" to serve with and be around are people I have loved and wouldn't trade their friendships for the world.

And then, I rethink. I am so quick to judge. Bad thing to do because then I find myself a hypocrite. My confession: while I do not like working every weekend, it has been somewhat of a relief to me to be at work instead of church most Sundays for the past couple of months. I spend much of my free time at church. And it's no secret I feel much like a social misfit amongst everybody at church. I'm that crazy, spiritually challenged, friendly girl who likes to go dancing and is a little nutty. Not very pious. Not to mention I think, say and do a lot of things I probably shouldn't. I'm not saying OTHER people think this of me (though they might), but I think this of me among the crowd I run with at church. And I have been frustrated in the past, when bogged in by callings and meetings and more meetings, that all of these friends were people I didn't have things in common with. They weren't people I would choose for myself if I were to have friends. They are so different from me. And I don't feel quite myself when I'm around them all the time. I wanted friends like me. I wanted freedom to go find them and spend time with them.

But friends like me , or friends not like me, what makes somebody a friend? There are people I like to spend time with who I don't have much in common with. And of course, there are friends whom I DO have things in common with. Comparing the two, however, I'd say my more lasting freindships have been mostly with the people I DON'T have that much in common with. If not convenience and commonality, what is it that makes us feel so at home with these people we call "friends"? There are lots of quotes about this. Here are my thoughts on what makes a friend:

You Know They're A Friend When:

- having that person make fun of you is endearing
- you can give each other hugs any time you want or need to
- you don't have to call them back if you don't want to, and they won't hate you for it
- they can tell when you really NEED them to call you back
- they listen
- one of you can disappear from the planet for ages, and when you cross paths again it's like you never left.
- you have mutual respect, appreciation, and love for what makes you different
- you can trust them
- they're honest with you. Even if they don't think you'll agree with them or appreciate they're honesty all that much
- they can tell you you're being an idiot to your face
- you can tell them they're being an idiot to their face
- you can be honest with them, even if you think they'll think less of you, love you less, or be suspicious that you are off your rocker
- they "get you"
- you "get them" too
- you let them borrow your toothbrush
- Even though you hate needing anything, and imposing on anyone, if you had to do it, you would rather impose on or need something from them
- they get genuinely excited and glad about your big news
- you get really glad about their big news
- you send them flowers whenever you want to
- you actually have occasion to want to send them flowers
- If you were asked to save the world, and needed a band of superhero friends to save the world with you, you would choose them to be one of them
- you like to share what you have with them
- you go on a rafting trip and are quite sure you and all your friends are having the most fun on the river.

That's my list. I love friends. They make life much more fun.

The weekly word: "Probably"

After a recent conversation with my dear sweet co-blogger, the thought occurred to me that it would be great to have a weekly "word" post. Take a word that is generally used, but sometimes can lead to confusion. Which brings us to todays word "Probably".

What does probably mean? What happens when a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/sibling/etc. tells you that they will probably meet you somewhere? What is required protocol for using "probably" in an arrangement to make plans.

Well, let's get some easy ground concepts down first. Primarily, probably means that further conversation is needed. Whether or not you will "probably" do something, it isn't definite, but can be anticipated and planned on, and at the very least, some sort of communication confirming or canceling the plans should take place.

If you are "probably" going to a movie, then you are definitely going to talk/discuss when, where, etc. I would argue that both people can count on the activity happening with the caveat that there is allowance for cancellation without annoyance disappointment, or other unkindly feelings.

What probably is not is a "maybe." Although I won't get into what a "maybe" means, probably is more on the likelihood of a 75% chance or more of occurring. Depending on the person, it could even be as high as 85%. It isn't as high as a "most likely" or a "definitely", but has far more dependence than a "maybe".

A probably can be put in the day planner in ink, with allowance for cross-out. It doesn't need pencil so either you or the other can cancel. And if you don't cancel a "probably", it is as good as not canceling a "definitely". After all, someone is still counting and planning on something, and unless they hear otherwise, YOU'RE RUDE!

So, please use PROBABLY appropriately in your future conversations and life.

Rafting Trips and Boyfriends

The Boys

Here I am on a slow Thursday afternoon. The weather is beautiful and I am very much looking forward to going home, running, cleaning house, and packing for a 4-day dog-sitting getaway at my boss's house with his two adorable, very dependent, spoiled, little dogs. I love dogs. Even these ones.

I will, as usual, be working all weekend, so that's not very exciting. But the weather will still be nice. And I shall have my evenings. And a very large, luxurious house. And I shall be very close to work while staying at my boss's house.

I plan to stop working on weekends soon. At least I'll work less. I promise.

Next weekend, for starters, I won't be working at all. I will be flying to Denver with many fun, adventurous friends for a rafting trip. I LOVE rafting. I love friends. I love going to places I've never been before, such as Breckenridge, Colorado and the Arkansas River. And I love that I will be wearing a wetsuit (worn, stretched, aged, smelly and used as it may be) and a hard hat and looking FAR from fashionable, with no make-up, while going down a river filled with fresh runoff from the snow which is sure to be freezing. Taking into consideration the fact that I hate few things more than being cold, it's safe to say I love some really odd things.

There are also some other interesting features to this weekend of outdoor fun. Male has finally agreed to join the group of adventurers (it just so happens we ended up having enough people to justify having 2 rooms, meaning boys and girls can now sleep separately. That was Male's only objection to going before). Funny enough, the other last minute group addition who bumped up the numbers and made this possible is my ex-boyfriend, Goofball -- one of two ex-boyfriends I have maintained a real friendship with.

I have slight anxiety about this trip -- more so than other trips in the past. You see, I plan trips with friends knowing I am putting random people together who have nothing in common except for the fact they are adventurous and they happen to know me. Heaven only knows how it's gonna go before the trip. But it usually works out (knock on wood). However, this is a not my typical random group.

Goofball and Male are, indeed, a different matter. Goofball has a very goofy and sometimes inappropriate sense of humor. Male, on the other hand, is very seldom inappropriate and even more seldomly amused by anything inappropriate. Also, Goofball REALLY likes to flirt. With anyone really, but with me too. And even if he keeps "flirting" to a minimum and is respectful of Male's "territory" or whatever, boys are weird and I can see potential for a wee bit of tension between the two. Even if Male is savvy enough to know there is no threat to our relationship posed by goofball... well, I just don't think boys are typically that secure.

To add to my concerns regarding Male, and what I think is really at the heart of my anxiety: on our last group trip, Male and I didn't fair very well. To be frank, it was a complete disaster. It's inexplicable after such an experience that we're still dating. Male dubbed that it was just a "bad weekend," and it's ok for couples to have bad weekends. And this is true. But I think the problem is that Male and I are completely socially different. This makes me think this coming weekend, and every other weekend spent on trips with large groups of friends, could be equally disastrous and traumatically bad for us. And that could be really bad. So, Goofball only stands to potentially exacerbate the already existing problem.

I knew all of this when I organized the trip, and was aware of the danger when I sent out the invite for the trip and included both Male and Goofball. So, it's not that this predicament has caught me unawares. In reality, I planned it! Though I didn't really plan this exact scenario. I just planned the potential for this scenario. Previously, Male wasn't even coming. And neither was Goofball. I had no idea that one would bring the other.

I'll call my lack of planning to avoid this, and the off-handed turn of events that has made it be so, "fate". So, as fate would have it, the rafting trip has turned into a test of sorts. Or, rather, ANOTHER test. I do this in my relationship with Male. Poor Male. But I can't help myself. It's fun. And a little dangerous. And necessary.

I tested him when I asked him to come over to meet almost my entire family while they were in town for a reunion. We'd only been out a few times, but I wanted to see if he'd do it and how he'd handle it. I asked his conservative self to come for a scandalous "weekend getaway" in Zion's to hike with me for the same reason (along with the fact I thought he'd love the hike). As it turns out, THAT test didn't give accurate results because despite the fact the weekend was a scandalous-looking weekend away with just us two, Male has proven to be very traditional and concerned about appearances --- which is what I was initially testing for. But that's neither here nor there.

Back to the current test. I asked both of these boys on the trip 1) to see if Male and I can manage to keep our relationship intact in the midst of groups and 2) well, really, I don't know what the point is of having him interact with Goofball. That may be just a bad idea. But it certainly increases the challenge. If Male and I manage to still get along and like each other after this weekend, I think we could handle any weekend with friends.

I don't really seek out these tests. They just come up, as events usually do. But I don't avoid them either. I'll give you a report of how this test turns out and whether or not Male and I pass or fail. Oh, the suspense! I can hardly handle it. And I'm sure you're all riveted.

Can you date out of obedience, or is it delusion?

So, my lovely sister has committed to atrocity of all atrocities and gotten me addicted to the inevitable show called "Sex and the City." I was watching it the other night, and although not so drastically caught up in the hyperbole of fake life filled with loose if not tenious meetings they like to call relationships, oddly realistic plights, thoughts and provocations usually encountered by individuals involved in relationships much longer than the show projects, and with much more devastating results than those profferred.

Yet, nonetheless, I am intrigued. I watch ritualistically like a ravenous beast eyeing its next feast. And why? Because even though I don't participate in 99% of the relationship activities presented in the show, I pose similar questions to myself, and as such, the question for today.

Can you date out of obedience, or is it delusion?

I pose this question because I often find myself in relationships, (my friends call me a serial "dater") that, well, sometimes I feel I am in them not for myself, but because I feel I am "supposed" to be in them. So, my question is, if you feel some inner drive, ambition, etc., that pushes you to date, or at least stay in a relationship with, a particular individual, that is other than attraction, desire to be with that person, or other seemingly "normative" reason for being in a relationship.

Sometimes I think this is simpy because I am a guy that follows always what he feels he is supposed to do, mostly because I don't trust logic in regards to relationships very often, and other times because it seems that relationships are so much a time and a space for growth and personal development.

If you truly are in to someone, most likely that individual is pushing you in ways that you wouldn't puch yourself. Hopefully exposing you to things that you normally wouldn't search out and explore on your own. Everything from the simple new flavors of ice cream and new types of food, to pushing and exploring personal and emotional barriers. (Hopefully in a helpful, uplifting, and personally strengthening way.)

But, can you date someone, and do dating justice, just by being in the relationship because you feel that you are supposed to be there? Do you miss out on all that yummy relationship goodness because you aren't even considering the notion of making a life with that person?

I have done it, or feel that I have done it, but was it right? was it progressive? Am I somewhere now that I could not have been save I made those previous decisions? Or if not me, is that person somewhere they are now, simply because of hopefully some good that came out of the obedient dating?

For now, I tend to think that you can date out of obedience, mostly because I trust that which I obey. But in the end, it all could be a self delusion leading to nothing more than a self praising denial of insecurity.