A Touchy Subject

I know, I know. Some things are really hard to talk about. In fact, this subject is so sensitive I am very exclusive as to who I even DARE broach the subject with. It's especially a volatile subject when you're a mormon, talking to other mormons.

And now I deviate from my skirting of the issue. Why? Well, a few reasons. 1) I really would like to know how other people reconcile the issue. 2) I think it is such a LOUD issue at the moment and I would like the subject not to be so taboo for myself or other mormons. I would like to NOT be afraid to talk about it. 3) Not to mention, it could be a cool litmus test because even though I'm afraid to ask, I am incredibly curious to know what everybody thinks and how they deal with it, if they dare leave a comment.

I fear this topic because it makes waves. I fear this topic because people feel so strongly about it. I fear this topic because I know people whom I love very much stand very far from where I often find myself standing and I think they won't like me when they find out what I think. I fear this topic because I don't totally know what to do with it and I haven't resolved it all yet. I fear this topic because it is something I have had so many thoughts on that it may just be too big too put in a blog.

But I have battled this topic in my heart many times over. And it was, once again, repeatedly dangled in front of my unresolved heart, with an about-face, all this weekend. And I don't think it's going to go away.

Did anybody watch the Oscars last night? I was watching, admittedly, for the dresses. I don't think I saw any of the films that were nominated so I didn't have opinions about who should win(I haven't really had time to go out to the movies much this last year). But I was pleased to successfully get an eyeful of some GORGEOUS dresses. As the event when on, I noticed that I also got an earful of some gay rights activism. That, along with a few other reminders this weekend, spurred a conversation between my hubby and I.

Now, before I shock anyone who may not be aware, I am innately a moderately conservative person in my personal life choices. On the flipside of that, I am very free-loving and liberal, "with a live and let live" mentality in my more general views. It's just how I am. There are many genes I am missing. A few I've noticed: the gene that tells me to scream when I see a spider, the gene that tells me to coo at little babies and the gene that tells me to cringe when I see two people of the same sex kiss or hold hands. A lot of things don't phase me.

And so here we start. I am not innately appalled by homosexual behavior, as I know many people seem to be. It just doesn't come naturally to me and I could pretend to try to fit in with everyone, but that just makes me feel silly.

I say all of this so you can see from what context I come from and what my general approach is to things. I want to love everyone and get along with them, including homosexuals. I want to love them and I want them to love me. I am a people pleaser and a peace maker. However, this issue is not just about avoiding conflict for me. When pressed or compromised on something I feel is right or wrong, I will stand confidently in opposition to whoever.

It is more an issue with the classification of "gay" and then, once determining what it is, how you treat "gay". From my closest understanding of what LDS church leaders have said most recently in interviews with the media and other public statements about people who are gay, they don't deny that some people choose to be gay (which I think can be the case) nor do they deny that some people may innately have homosexual tendencies from more deep-rooted sources that do not constitute a decision but something more akin to a condition. The way they describe it makes me think of having some kind of handicap or disease, like down syndrome or missing an arm. It's more like a genetic mess-up. Then you have the homosexual community who says they are not a mess up. They are diversity. Just as there are different races among the human race there is different sexual orientation.

Innately, I find my heart much more willing to accept these people as diverse rather than messed up. And I really don't know for myself what the case is. This singular issue has been the cause of a divide between me and my religion widening and narrowing at various times, often influenced by how prevalent this ways on my mind and subsequently distances me from the church versus other parts of the gospel which I gain a stronger testimony of or know to be true which conversely buoy me closer.

Lately that divide has been smaller than ever. I have been excited about my testimony of the church. When I think of all the different ways my prayers have been answered , the blessings that have come from following church teachings, how my life has been looked over and how miracles have happened I can't help but be delighted to find myself the owner of my own personal testimony, stronger than I can every recall.

One thing that has since helped me reconcile the "gay" issue is that I really do believe the priesthood is inspired and the prophet is a prophet. So, before anything else, I believe I should have faith that what the brethren are telling me is true. I often hesitate when I think this thought because it's against my instincts. But I've been a life-long studier and practicer of the gospel and it's built up a lot of trust in me so far with how many times it's gotten things right. So, I'm taking a leap of faith on that. I, of course, also have a strong testimony in personal revelation. And while I have not yet received any enlightenment regarding this issue which I would consider conclusive, I believe that while I have faith in the brethren, it is something which I may also obtain my own personal testimony of. I don't have it yet, but I'm working on it.

So that's where I find myself on the issue of "what" is gay. But the issue doesn't stop there. You then go into how to deal with the issue of gay rights and gay family members and gay church members and the list goes on and on.

Back to the Oscars. Dustin Lance Black, the winner for "original screen play" for the movie, Milk, gave a very passionate acceptance speech, as he described how his mormon family had moved him from oppressive Utah to the haven of California and loved him. He went on to offer support and encouragement to homosexual individuals, telling them they are beautiful people with gifts and value and no less than anyone, even when religions and others tell them they are less. It sounded like he was trying to shame members of the LDS faith. And he clearly felt like he had been wronged. And I venture that he very well may have been wronged.

Having lived in Utah and seen the VW Beetles driving around with "a recovering mormon" bumper sticker with a rainbow next to it, worked amongst a lot of gay men who came from other mormon families who had abandoned the religion, often taking their families with them, I have to think that there is something about how the church is dealing with this population that, whether it be right or wrong or neither, it really isn't doing us or them any good.

I hear their anger and I think,"no wonder!" If I were them I'd be angry too. Because I sit on the inside and I don't think the church is a very friendly place for somebody who may have homosexual feelings, regardless of whether or not they choose that lifestyle.

I don't know how the right way to handle it is. I have my suspicions of what might be better. But I think the Church, or at least its members, have yet to handle it well.

My questions: What are we doing wrong? How do we help these people feel like church is a place where they too can belong? I mean this because I assume that we believe the LDS church is for all people who are willing to accept the gospel. And I say this because I think we alienate this group of people, as it appears to me, virtually across the board with few exceptions.

Really, I just wanted to get that out. Ahhh. I feel much better.

Communicating with the opposite sex

Communication with the opposite sex is probably the most over written, understudied, lack of thought and teaching applied subject in the existence of the written language. And yet, it still irks, me, still drives me crazy, and yet I still come back for more later.

It is clear that girls and boys communicate differently, but do they? I often wonder if it is more that people desire different things, but they don't necessarily communicate what they really want, or may not know what they really want.

I have often thought, and I think it appears more and more to be true, that women have no clue what they want. Life is like a big bowl of cherries, and they want them all until they have stomach cramps and have to run to the bathroom. And then, a few weeks down the road, they decide they don't want cherries at all.

In the last several months/years/decades, I have had my fair share of time withe women, girls, and people of the opposite sex. One thing I have noticed is the difference is not that they communicate differently, but that they communicate at all. We all know that when a woman or man for that matter, really wants something, they make sure that they communicate it, or they get it themselves. I have never had a girlfriend who thought something was really important and did not voice it in a way that she knew I was definitely going to understand.

But all of the sudden, you get in a relationship, and you are supposed to be telekinetic. Next thing you know, I am getting brain waves about what that person wants/needs/desires. Hello, it doesn't work that way. If you want something say it.

But what seems all to common, is that a girl doesn't know what she wants, and loves it when she gets what she wants, and is upset when you guess and you get it wrong, because you don't hit that magic button even though she couldn't tell you what that magic button is, and may be only able to tell you what that magic button isn't.

Truth be told, this can probably apply to both sexes, but I more often than not come across it with girls, and all too often with girls I date.

So, communication, it isn't that the sexes communicate differently, it is more that when a guy wants something, he usually just says it, and if it wasn't worth saying, than it wasn't worth having. If a girl wants something, she jumps up and down, does a few cart wheels, and hopes that you recognized that she just requested dinner at some lovely restaurant in the mountains with an apricot souffle for dessert. No souffle, no happy!