Uncharted Waters

Life is always changing. I love it for that. And sometimes I hate it for that. As I grow older, and try to grow a little wiser, I try to make sense of where I'm going and where I've been. Of course, where I am is also a good place to look.

I'm working away at school and work. I'd like to finish my MBA. I think it's a good thing to do. And Ben and I are working on building up savings and paying off debts ( my car loan is the big ticket right now).

I still consider myself as being in an adjustment period, despite the fact that I have now lived in Cincinnati and been married for almost 2 years. I think I will always be in an adjustment period, no matter how long I'm married for or where I live.

My independent streak doesn't die easy. There are some things I love about the single life. I lived it for so long. By its very nature, it lends itself to a lot of personal indulgence and even decadence. Married life has its own decadence, but there's no question that you give up some personal freedoms and, for me, a certain amount of irresponsibility that I felt entitled to while single. I'm so much more responsible when married. It's by all measures a good thing, but it's still different. I haven't gotten a speeding ticket married -- good thing. I haven't gone on an unplanned, unfettered or unrestrained shopping spree either -- probably also good but much less fun. I haven't gone missing for an entire Saturday, doing whatever I fancied and telling no one, since married. I will cease and desist in the things I miss about my life as a single girl. Suffice it to say, a few past indulgences are missed.

Now that I have my own family, my place at church has also changed. Before, I was single and I dwelt in a realm of singles at church. Now I am a married. And while I dwell among married people, I also dwell (pretty exclusively) around married's who have children. Ah, yes.... children.

I was in a gospel doctrine class in my home ward in NJ last week and heard a poignant comment made by my old YW President, "we tend to think of ourselves as exceptions to the rule." I could be a little paranoid, but some things I've read in the Ensign and church lesson plans, and things mentioned in conversations I've had with close friends and family, were ringing in my ears when I heard that. Most notably:

"you shouldn't put off having children."
"Don't wait to have children until you think you can afford them".
"You shouldn't put your career before children."

Are you noticing a theme? People haven't necessarily said it just like that, and for the most part my family has been very unjudgmental (at least to my face) about our not having children yet. But advice is advice and the Apostles of the Church tend not to mince words. And in one way or another, It's obvious that I am guilty of all of these things. Up until about 2 years ago, I waited to have kids because I wasn't married. That's a really good reason, in my opinion. And by the time I got married, I had at least a couple of things I wouldn't have had if I'd gotten married earlier (mostly, I think of my car loan and mortgage). So, I tend to think of myself as a little bit of an exception. But I have other friends who were married around my age. And I am hard-pressed not to notice that they have children or/and are pregnant. Their reality is proof -- I COULD go ahead and have a kid. The real crux of the matter -- I don't think I want to yet. And I admit to wanting things to be, "just so" before I have children. I don't know if it's really ok or if it sets me off as going on a path that would be better diverted. But I find myself on this path all the same.

Here I am, 30, married, acquiring my 3rd degree, working full-time and still marveling at, learning from and watching the morphing of this thing called marriage. I have hopes of being a working mom, and of having adorable children to cart off to Primary on Sunday who cling to me for comfort, like I see children do with their parents. It all looks very appealing in my daydreams.

But in the literal, less day-dreamy, version, it is a very binding thing to become a mother. And in consideration of how responsible I've become since I got married, there's only one direction I can go with the gravitas of motherhood. I don't know how much more responsible I can stand to be. I fear I might get lost somewhere along the way. Moms do that. And I really like me, meaty thighs and all... as egotistical as that sounds. As far as I can tell, I'm the best me I've ever had.

And then, even aside from whether I'd be a happy mom, there's the other end of it: would I be a good mom? I know I'd get the kids clothed. I'm pretty sure I'd bathe them regularly, make them brush their teeth and make sure they're fed healthy food and are educated. But those are all task-oriented things. I'm good at check-lists. There is more than check-lists to parenthood.

I have lost a lot of my playfulness in my embracing of adulthood, and, admittedly, I lack understanding for the unreasonable things that children do. I think I will not be the most empathetic or fun mother. I will probably be a party pooper and sometimes stern. I may even be impatient. For some reason, I have an overarching fear that I will be like my grandmother. I feared my grandmother. My most clear recollection of her is having her reprimand me for whispering in the back seat of her car shortly after she had reprimanded me for talking... in the back seat of her car. Ok, so I don't think I'd do that. And I know I can be a fun adult. But I'm not sure I'm much of a fun mom. I suppose I can relinquish funness to Ben. Is it ok for a kid to only have one fun parent?

My past years have brought me many opportunities. For the last 10 years, I was left with the task of being a responsible, independent, self-sufficient, happy adult. I already started to wend my way through this life. I am no blank slate. I take ownership of that path and I have appreciated who it has helped me become. But what about this new job? Admittedly, I'm a little timid and reticent to totally let go of what I know. I'm fumbling and procrastinating the inevitability of my retirement. I'm bracing myself before relinquishing my past career as an unfettered female. I suppose you could fault me for wanting to leave things "just so" before I start on this next journey. But part of me think it's fair that after all those years, I should be able to leave things neatly and finish a few things up. After all, I didn't exactly choose to be single all those years. And that time wasn't a little part of me. Right now, although I know it's temporary, it seems like it's a whole lot of me. I marvel most at how free-wheeling my friends are in letting go of it. I don't know how they do it.

I'd like my life to be moving in a happy direction. And as I walk this path, I hope, above all else, that it is the right direction. It's anybody's guess. I haven't wended this way before and it's nobody else's way but my own. It could be alright. It could be all wrong. But note taken -- I'll try not to take exception to too many rules.

I Live At Home

These days, if you're single and on the dating market, the words "I live at home with my parents" will stop many motivated potential mates dead in their tracks. Especially if you're a man. The idea of most men living at home with their parents says to prospective female companions, " I never grew up, mom still does my laundry and pays my phone bill, and I will probably pick her dinner over yours." These messages, among others that come to mind, are a big DO NOT BOTHER sign for many women. This is especially true when it's an older male who is of an age when he should have been able to graduate from college, and/or start a career and most definitely find life outside of video games. There is a certain point in men's lives when they should want to acquire their own space. Then they would subsequently have the independence and privacy which comes along with it. Even more so, you'd think they would like to be able to make out on the couch without worrying about getting caught. Am I right?

Such a double standard. Since I started graduate school, I moved back in with my parents. Going back to school is a fair reason to move back in, right? I thought it sounded pretty good. But here I am a year after graduation and I still "live at home with my parents." I'm 27 years old. And it's not because I can't afford to move out. I got my golden job opportunity after graduation. I make enough to live on my own. But then, are all ALWP's (Adults Living With Parents) equal offenders?

I often think my situation is very different from the middle-aged males still living with their folks. First of all, living with my parents still affords me an entire floor of the house and, therefore, much privacy. I take that back. First of all, I'm not a man. I'm a woman. There's a difference there. Secondly, what I said before. Also, I pay my own bills and do my own laundry and have a career. I am anything but a homebody. I've already lived away from home for over 5 years. And the folks are very unimposing and easy-going.

Really, it seems like an optimal situation for saving money on rent. Any of these living situation factors being less desirable would likely change my opinion and I would probably move out. I may not have even moved in in the first place. Were any of my personal attributes different, I would think I should be circumspect for being overly dependent and lacking the mojo and backbone to grow up. But I seem pretty healthy (not that I'm biased or anything.).

Speaking with a coworker from Latin America gave me even more fervor in my smart choice to live at home. The idea of having her children find their own place were they in my situation, coming from her Latin American background, isn't a symbol of independence. It's nonsense. Why would you live away from your family if you weren't married? It's a waste. And so far away.

Ahh! How liberating. Not only will I save on rent. But I shall cast off silly American consumer-minded, overly entitled, ideals that make no sense. How cool. It's clearly the best thing to do until I have reason to leave. I am nothing like those slackers who haven't grown up yet and can't take on the responsibility of providing for themselves. I'm independent. Yo.

Or am I? Truth be told, I don't know if I see myself as much different from "them" (I find it fascinating that it is so fun and easy to condemn a group, simply by labeling them as "them"). Even with my excellent situation, I still see negatives to living at home:

Negative #1: My parents are not incredibly overbearing, but they do have their opinions. And every now and again, when I finally get home, my mother will find her way up the stairs and give me the two cents she's been holding onto all week about whatever she thinks about the current status of myself and my beau, or her concern for how I work too much or don't get to church often enough or.... hmmm... so maybe her two cents' are actually the equivalent of a few dollars.

Negative #2: There is a joy in having your own space to decorate, to move into all the way, to roam and make noise as you see fit, which is less doable when you live in someone else's house. I do not decorate. It's not my house to decorate (though I'm not sure I'm much of a decorator anyway. But maybe I am. Who knows.) I also do not expand into other rooms. Everything that is mine is crammed into my bedroom. If I lived in my own place, many things would move to a living room area or an office or something like that. And I would be less cramped and perhaps more organized. And I would not have piano lessons going on in the living room when I would like to read in peaceful quiet, or to cause a raucous with workout music in that very room.

Negative #3: I do like to respect my parents and their wishes. Really, I do. I'm a sucker for being obedient AND a peacemaker -- doublewhammy.It is likely, however, if they were less privy to the details of my life, they would less frequently voice their wishes. And I would be unable to go against wishes I did not know about. And without all their wishes and advice floating around in my head, I imagine my decisions and persuasions would be slightly different and I would be....... more independent. Oh my. Hmm. Wait a minute? I'm not totally independent?

Even if I am mostly independent, I am still dependent. And I don't think it's that healthy interdependent stuff that therapists talk about as a good thing. I may have a healthy amount of social circles to run around in. I may rarely be home because I'm busy living my life. I may pay for all of my own expenses and never borrow from my parents. I may be, by nature, very mentally independent and capable of making my own choices. I may be responsible and able to manage my life. But there is an element of dependence that is virtually unavoidable if a child, now a grown adult, still lives at home. You can't get around it. At least I haven't figured out how.

And then, of course, there are the obvious dependencies. Benefits of the food they feed me (I've never cooked for myself, even when I lived away from home. I was very good at 5 minute meals, microwaving, and eating meals of questionable contents and portion sizes. This does not bode well with parents.). And they bought me a microwave and a blender because they noticed I didn't have one (which they probably wouldn't have noticed if they did not see my kitchen.) Mmmhmm. You see as well as I do, I'm quickly starting to rack up quite a bill. Taking into account all the in-kind donations, suddenly somebody is not looking very independent. That somebody would be me.

Yes, I can move out. Moving out only comes with a more expensive price tag. But, as a self-sufficient adult who can manage a budget just fine and has provided for herself for years, it's clearly not just the money that keeps me at home. Not to say money isn't a factor. Admittedly, I do value money and don't like to waste it. If living in my own place were a free thing, there is no question I would do that. In fact, saving money is, in whole, why I live at home. But, while it is the great advantage, it is not the only consideration. Perhaps the reasons for moving out and being independent should way heavier than I have accounted for thus far in my lists of pros and cons. The question is: how detrimental is it for ALWP's to live at home? Even in a best case scenario? Whenever possible, should ALWP's just suck it up and move out?