Marathon Musings

I think I mentioned something about a marathon in a post or a comment recently. Really, it was a foreshadowing. Running a marathon has been in the back of my mind for years. And it has been more on the forefront the last month or so. I have lots of friends who have taken this step (my co-blogger, Mainer, Adrian in Provo, a lady I serve with in Young Women's at church), which keeps reminding me that I am jealous and would like to do one too (or at least have already DONE one! Ha ha.).

But I have hesitations. For reasons of, well, reason AND practicality, I'm not sold. My reservations include:

1) I do half marathons and even after just the 13 miles, I cannot walk properly for a day or two and it really has more to do with my joints than my muscles.

2) I was once diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which causes inexplicable feelings of being injured in my joints that can last for months -- which can really mess with a training schedule.

3) Even without fibromyalgia, when I up my mileage I frequently run into real injuries -- stiff ankles, IT Band acting up, hips with weird sharp pains -- doesn't sound good, I know.

4) Although I'd like to believe it, the idea of, "because you can do it, I can do it" just isn't a convincing argument. I don't buy it. There are LOTS of things you can do that I can't. For example, flossing on a regular basis. Being able to reach the top shelf in the kitchen cupboard without a step stool. Winning at games like Trivial Pursuit. See my point?

5) There is no real NEED to run a marathon. Why am I so obsessed? Even among runners, so many people say they think the 1/2 marathon is the best distance. Why can't I be happy with that?

But it still fascinates me and weighs on my mind. So, maybe it's time. After all, October will by my big 3-0. And what better way could there be to celebrate than to run my 1st marathon? Not to mention, it might help these 5 lbs of marriage and moving weight that keep hanging on for dear life to leave me, rather than (heaven forbid) bringing with them another 5 lbs to join them.

By george, I might be ready to do one.

So, I've done more serious looking. My birthday is Oct. 19th. Coincidentally, there is a marathon in Indianapolis (just two hours from me) on Sat. October 17th, and I checked out the course -- not too much incline or decline, not too much road and, overall, appears to be a friendly 1st timer's marathon. It's also a qualifier for the Boston, not that I'm planning on that, but hey, you never know how well you'll do or how much you'll love it, right? So, that marathon is about 5 months away and two days pre-birthday.

You can see -- I'm planning. Figuring. I'm leaning that way. But I'm still not sure. I am going to start training. However, I'm not committing or registering quite yet. I'm so prone to injury and I want to see how training goes. But I would also like some advice regarding a few matters. So, any of my running friends out there, and anybody else who has insights or opinions about marathons, if you could peruse the following and let me know your thoughts, I'd love to know what you think!!!

1) I am very over-use injury prone. I have read on some training websites that you should be used to running 25 miles/wk pretty regularly for the year previously to be reasonably safe from overuse injuries. I've also read that you shouldn't up your mileage more than 10% from week to week. On the other hand, there is the Hal Higdin's tried and true training schedule that goes for 18 weeks and doesn't mention any such things.

As for me, I find the less I kill myself during training, the more likely I will survive till and through race day. I usually don't run more than 2 or 3 days a week and cross train on other days. However, this could be a contributing factor as to why I feel so jacked up just after a 1/2 marathon -- because I may have under-trained. Hard to tell. And my running since marriage has been incredibly inconsistent. Before it, I was probably doing a good 7-12 miles a week. But it's been 8 months and, while I'm not totally out of shape, I haven't been consistent since then. And I don't have a year before my 30th birthday. With my low mileage in consideration, should I wait till 31 or just go for it? I hav about 5 months till race day.

2) Why did you run a marathon, how did it affect you physically and what is your overall assessment from the experience?

It shouldn't be SUCH a big deal, right? I've been a leisurely runner for 12 years. I just don't want to end up hating the experience or, worse, having to live with the disastrously painful and long-healing consequences. :)

100 things today

1. I am dog sitting at my boss's house right now.
2. I love the work commute from my boss's house. It's only five minutes away. Heavenly.
3. I like showing up early to work, and I was very easily able to do that today, because.. you guessed it! I'm staying at my boss's house.
4. I've decided my boss's house is too big. It takes forever to get from the kitchen to the bedroom to the shower to the closet... totally impractical.
5. I wish I had more time and more energy.
6. I chronically try to schedule more things to do in my life than I have time for and I don't know how to stop. This concerns me.
7. I'm not very good at the "games section" of the LSAT. I might have to work hard in order to improve.
8. I wonder if I have the mental capacity and enough energy and discipline to work hard enough to improve on the games section.
9. My ankle still hurts. It's been hurting for a couple months now. It totally bugs.
10. I wonder if the pain in my ankle has anything to do with the four inch platforms on my feet at the moment (they're red and strappy. what's not to love?) and all the other heels I wear regularly.... Nah.
11. I like being at work early. It's so quiet.
12. Veronica just came in and now it's not as quiet at work. Even though she doesn't make much noise. Kinda like her presence IS a noise. Ya know? But I like that she came in now anyway.
13. I want to celebrate my birthday next month by going to tea at the Grand America Hotel with friends. And I want to dress up.
14. I always think I want to dress up. If it weren't for the energy and time it took to get done up, I'd do it every day.
15. I wonder if I will even bother to celebrate my birthday this year. I normally don't, and I'll be dog sitting again up in Park City right then, which makes it even less likely that I would celebrate.
16. I started Therapy last week and I don't know what I think about that.
17. Okay, I have a few thoughts. I actually hate going to therapy. It's very draining and unpleasant. Despite this, I think it's a good thing.
18. I'm still not looking forward to my next appointment. I wonder if I can cancel it, even though I know it's a good thing to go. I can justify shopping, so why not canceling therapy?
19. I wonder why I wasn't ready to go to therapy 20 years ago.
20. People are complicated. Take me, for example. I'm very complicated.
21. I did some research yesterday on myself. It's very weird to see your personal attributes written on paper as part of a clinical study or as somebody's research. I feel like suddenly I can't take as much credit for who I am.
22. I wonder who I would have been had my life experiences been very different. I know this is pointless. But I wonder anyway and I feel a little robbed.
23. I am suddenly very thankful I am not a schizophrenic. How odd.
24. I look forward to lunch next week with two very good friends. I even daydream about what we'll talk about.
25. I marvel that Male knows almost everything about me and STILL keeps dating me.
26. I worry about Male's emotional stability and soundness of mind (see #25).
27. I think I need a haircut.
28. I think it's amazing I've let my hair grow as long as it has considering the fact I have the strong urge to cut it at least every other week.
29. A friend of mine said he liked how I looked with short hair, and at the time he said it I had long hair. I wonder if he meant to give me a hint or if he was just a clueless boy in not realizing it might come across as though he didn't liked my hair long as much he liked it short.
30. I want to go on birth control not because I need to control my ability to give birth, but because I saw a commercial that says it causes you to have your period only a few times a year and it controls acne. I think that sounds lovely and wonder if my doctor would give me a prescription.
31. I am excited for my parents to be leaving on a mission.
32. I mostly look forward to them being an ocean away.
33. I know I should feel bad about this, but I don't. This may be solely due to the fact my mother keeps trying to plan my wedding.
34. I'm excited for my new roommate, Sherrice. She seems very nice. And she's from NJ, so it's like she's a little bit of home for me.
35. I secretly wonder if Sherrice is a perfect match for my friend, Will.
36. I realize I try to match almost any cool girl I know with my friend, Will. I wonder what that means.
37. I wonder how Holly came up with 100 things so fast. I seem to be taking forever. Of course, I only think she came up with them quickly because it didn't take very long for me to READ it.
38. I'm still amazed at my lack of celerity because I've had so much going on in my head lately that I really thought this would be quick.
39. My mind has been starting to wander into territory it has never gone before, namely the realm of what could or would be in a "progressive" relationship with Male.
40. On occasion, I look forward to that progress.
41. I feel reassured that I'm still me when that happy daydream is quickly squelched by the fear of being disappointed and also by the dread I have always felt with anything resembling or associated with that kind of progress.
42. I love my ward.
43. I wonder if I should really get a law degree.
44. Having a law degree sounds cool. Don'tcha think?
45. I secretly think a law degree would make me feel smarter. Ok, so that's not such a secret anymore.
46. I wonder if it serves any other purpose for me.
47. Oh yeah. Money. And career options. Security. And being able to provide a valuable service for others. I forgot. I feel better now.
48. I wonder how other people become successful without having degrees. I don't think I could do that.
49. I hear Sharon Stone is a overflowing with energy; a real nonstop, go go go kind of person. I envy her and wish we shared more in common than just our name.
50. Halfway there. I must be a pessimist. The glass seems half empty at the moment.
51. I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving.
52. I'm really glad Male decided to come with me to go home for Thanksgiving.
53. I wonder how I will ever manage to go shopping in NYC if Male is with me for my trip home to Thanksgiving.
54. Hmmm... I may be planning a trip to Vegas, sans Male, to go shopping.
55. I think of myself in comparison to how I was two years ago and think I've become a lot less vivacious. Just thinking of how productive I was two years ago makes me tired now.
56. I wonder if I will ever get that energy back. Maybe when my ankle gets better.
57. I wish I saw my sister more often.
58. I want to buy my sister a straightener and a fabulous new hair cut for Christmas.
59. Ouch. That's going to be expensive.
60. I wish I could just give it to her now. But I don't think she'd like it if I gave it to her for no reason. I think I have to wait for Christmas. Dang it.
61. I look forward to hanging out with Justin next month.
62. I have slight concerns about looking forward to it. But I think it's not an anticipation unlike my anticipation for seeing other friends, which makes it ok. It's just hard to tell.
63. It may take me a few get-togethers with him to feel normal about the two of us.
64. Evolving relationships are tricky.
65. I wish it were lunchtime. I don't know what I will be eating, but I look forward to it anyway.
66. I wish the cake we had in the fridge at work didn't make my stomach sick. It tastes so good. I would have that for lunch if it didn't do that.
67. I would like staying in Park City better if they had a Golds Gym up here.
68. I'm glad I got to see my friend Adrian. She's so stinking smart, it's amazing.
69. I wish I didn't work so much. I look forward to not working so much.
70. I wonder when the time will come that I won't work so much.
71. I keep saying I want a dog, but suddenly I'm not really sure that I do. I love dogs. I like the idea of having one. But that doesn't necessarily mean that really I want one, now does it?
72. I wonder if I will ever be rich. If I were, what kind of rich person would I be?
73. I hope I wouldn't be silly and waste all my money on clothes, travel, cars and a big house. But I fear I would. They're so tempting.
74. I wonder if I'd just be better off as a farmer with a life full of more simplicity.
75. Life has so many distractions.
76. I think Male's great.
77. The ring I'm wearing always catches my hair elastics when I try to put my hair back. It drives my CRAZY!
78. I love my new cell phone. It has a planner inside with bells and whistles. And it's incredibly sleek and sexy.
79. I'm useful. I like that about me.
80. Sometimes I think I would love to have a "status" bag because they're so stylish and other times I'm so glad NOT to have one because of what they say and symbolize. To have or not to have. That is the question.
81. I think I'd rather save up and get a computer. Funny that they are worth just about the same amount of money. Depending on the bag, the computer could even be a lot less expensive.
82. I still like stucco on houses. I don't care what Male says.
83. I like wood floors and I hate wall to wall carpeting. It gives me the heebee geebees.
84. People who clean their cars regularly amaze me. I should clean Pam more often. She's so dirty right now (I can see her from my office window).
85. The weather is so delightful and the colors in the mountains are so pretty that I almost forget the dread of winter that tends to come when fall arrives.
86. I'm glad I can see the colors on the mountains so clearly from my office.
87. Dang, I've really got a good view!
88. I think it's funny that I call the front reception area of our suite, where my desk is located,"my office".
89. I'd think my boss was a lot more intelligent if he didn't use a girl with a master's degree as a receptionist and secretary.
90. I'm glad the girl who always decides to plant herself in front of our suite when she curses and argues at her ex-boyfriend, Alex, over the phone, is not there right now.
91. I'm glad I'm not as neurotic as she is and think Male may not be so badly off with a girl like me.
92. Poor Alex.
93. I think I will clean the fridge at work today. I've been thinking about it for a good week or so.
94. I wonder what I'll eat for dinner.
95. I wonder even more what I'll eat for lunch.
96. It's almost lunchtime. Yeah!
97. I still want to go see Little Miss Sunshine. Curses that Male has that no rated R movies policy. Maybe I'll rent it while I'm in Park City.
98. writing 100 things for today is a lot more of a task than I thought it would be.
99. My left pinky hurts because of a tragic mistake I made in my typing class in the sixth grade. I never learned to used the shift key with my right pinky.
100. I'm gonna wind up being one of those old people warning kids not to start bad habits when they're young and then I'm going to relate to them my story about my poor left pinky. Then they'll understand!.... Be afraid. Very afraid.

I Live At Home

These days, if you're single and on the dating market, the words "I live at home with my parents" will stop many motivated potential mates dead in their tracks. Especially if you're a man. The idea of most men living at home with their parents says to prospective female companions, " I never grew up, mom still does my laundry and pays my phone bill, and I will probably pick her dinner over yours." These messages, among others that come to mind, are a big DO NOT BOTHER sign for many women. This is especially true when it's an older male who is of an age when he should have been able to graduate from college, and/or start a career and most definitely find life outside of video games. There is a certain point in men's lives when they should want to acquire their own space. Then they would subsequently have the independence and privacy which comes along with it. Even more so, you'd think they would like to be able to make out on the couch without worrying about getting caught. Am I right?

Such a double standard. Since I started graduate school, I moved back in with my parents. Going back to school is a fair reason to move back in, right? I thought it sounded pretty good. But here I am a year after graduation and I still "live at home with my parents." I'm 27 years old. And it's not because I can't afford to move out. I got my golden job opportunity after graduation. I make enough to live on my own. But then, are all ALWP's (Adults Living With Parents) equal offenders?

I often think my situation is very different from the middle-aged males still living with their folks. First of all, living with my parents still affords me an entire floor of the house and, therefore, much privacy. I take that back. First of all, I'm not a man. I'm a woman. There's a difference there. Secondly, what I said before. Also, I pay my own bills and do my own laundry and have a career. I am anything but a homebody. I've already lived away from home for over 5 years. And the folks are very unimposing and easy-going.

Really, it seems like an optimal situation for saving money on rent. Any of these living situation factors being less desirable would likely change my opinion and I would probably move out. I may not have even moved in in the first place. Were any of my personal attributes different, I would think I should be circumspect for being overly dependent and lacking the mojo and backbone to grow up. But I seem pretty healthy (not that I'm biased or anything.).

Speaking with a coworker from Latin America gave me even more fervor in my smart choice to live at home. The idea of having her children find their own place were they in my situation, coming from her Latin American background, isn't a symbol of independence. It's nonsense. Why would you live away from your family if you weren't married? It's a waste. And so far away.

Ahh! How liberating. Not only will I save on rent. But I shall cast off silly American consumer-minded, overly entitled, ideals that make no sense. How cool. It's clearly the best thing to do until I have reason to leave. I am nothing like those slackers who haven't grown up yet and can't take on the responsibility of providing for themselves. I'm independent. Yo.

Or am I? Truth be told, I don't know if I see myself as much different from "them" (I find it fascinating that it is so fun and easy to condemn a group, simply by labeling them as "them"). Even with my excellent situation, I still see negatives to living at home:

Negative #1: My parents are not incredibly overbearing, but they do have their opinions. And every now and again, when I finally get home, my mother will find her way up the stairs and give me the two cents she's been holding onto all week about whatever she thinks about the current status of myself and my beau, or her concern for how I work too much or don't get to church often enough or.... hmmm... so maybe her two cents' are actually the equivalent of a few dollars.

Negative #2: There is a joy in having your own space to decorate, to move into all the way, to roam and make noise as you see fit, which is less doable when you live in someone else's house. I do not decorate. It's not my house to decorate (though I'm not sure I'm much of a decorator anyway. But maybe I am. Who knows.) I also do not expand into other rooms. Everything that is mine is crammed into my bedroom. If I lived in my own place, many things would move to a living room area or an office or something like that. And I would be less cramped and perhaps more organized. And I would not have piano lessons going on in the living room when I would like to read in peaceful quiet, or to cause a raucous with workout music in that very room.

Negative #3: I do like to respect my parents and their wishes. Really, I do. I'm a sucker for being obedient AND a peacemaker -- doublewhammy.It is likely, however, if they were less privy to the details of my life, they would less frequently voice their wishes. And I would be unable to go against wishes I did not know about. And without all their wishes and advice floating around in my head, I imagine my decisions and persuasions would be slightly different and I would be....... more independent. Oh my. Hmm. Wait a minute? I'm not totally independent?

Even if I am mostly independent, I am still dependent. And I don't think it's that healthy interdependent stuff that therapists talk about as a good thing. I may have a healthy amount of social circles to run around in. I may rarely be home because I'm busy living my life. I may pay for all of my own expenses and never borrow from my parents. I may be, by nature, very mentally independent and capable of making my own choices. I may be responsible and able to manage my life. But there is an element of dependence that is virtually unavoidable if a child, now a grown adult, still lives at home. You can't get around it. At least I haven't figured out how.

And then, of course, there are the obvious dependencies. Benefits of the food they feed me (I've never cooked for myself, even when I lived away from home. I was very good at 5 minute meals, microwaving, and eating meals of questionable contents and portion sizes. This does not bode well with parents.). And they bought me a microwave and a blender because they noticed I didn't have one (which they probably wouldn't have noticed if they did not see my kitchen.) Mmmhmm. You see as well as I do, I'm quickly starting to rack up quite a bill. Taking into account all the in-kind donations, suddenly somebody is not looking very independent. That somebody would be me.

Yes, I can move out. Moving out only comes with a more expensive price tag. But, as a self-sufficient adult who can manage a budget just fine and has provided for herself for years, it's clearly not just the money that keeps me at home. Not to say money isn't a factor. Admittedly, I do value money and don't like to waste it. If living in my own place were a free thing, there is no question I would do that. In fact, saving money is, in whole, why I live at home. But, while it is the great advantage, it is not the only consideration. Perhaps the reasons for moving out and being independent should way heavier than I have accounted for thus far in my lists of pros and cons. The question is: how detrimental is it for ALWP's to live at home? Even in a best case scenario? Whenever possible, should ALWP's just suck it up and move out?

I Think I Thought a Lot of Things to Think About

Many days, I wonder if my entire life weren't all just inside my head. I worry that I get so wrapped up in thinking and worrying about all the things that are going on and all the things that could go on. But what could actually be going on if I weren't so busy thinking about the possibilities?

So much to consider. How does one find time to live? I try to see what things really are, what I percieve them to be and I wonder how much of a difference there is. I also think about relationships. There are relationships at present, and then what they could evolve into. Relationships that could be, and also those never ventured for. I consider my life at present. And I consider all the life options of where I could be headed.

So many roads. Can I really only travel one? I may have one life to live, but I like to appease myself by pseudo-living through countless other lives, to see what I think of them and to make sure I really do like how I'm living this one. Inside my head, I've done quite a bit of living and made some really different choices. The craziest things have happened! Many of them tragic. Many of them glorious. Many of them life-altering and consequential. Many of them profoundly meaningful.

And now that I think about it, I should probably have more of them be just plain, stinking, deliriously fun and fantastical. They're my thoughts, after all. I can do whatever I want with them. Isn't that the brilliance and beauty of daydreams anyhow? The fact that anything is possible in there even if it's not realistic out here? I'm kind of saddened I don't do that much. I'm always so realistic. Do you guys do that a lot? Or maybe, doing that makes one crazy. I don't know. Hmmm...

But alas, I digress, and am lost in thought again. Back to the topic at hand. All this thinking and day-dreaming and playing things out in my head causes me to wonder, on many occasion, if I don't live life in my head too much. I certainly used to. This habit of mine is a great deal to blame for my distraction through elementary school (indeed, life in my head was a lot nicer, at the time, than life outside of my head). And it is possible all that "in my headedness" also contributed to the D's and F's that subsequently plagued me. Woops!

But even now, significantly post-grammar school and many better grades later, it is very possible to live in my head so much that I unduly detract from the amount of fabulous living I could be doing. There's this unknown, unquantifiable amount of life potential never reached. All of it exists out of my head, with real action, with the one life I actually have that is going by me, speeding past me every moment. But that potential can't be captured unless I am willing to come OUTSIDE of my very full, overly busy, distracting, daydreamy little head.

I may have a disease. Yes, another one. The disease of the ever-questioning individual. Or maybe much worse -- I'm perpetually living as the shamefully, ever-undecided individual. Can one ask too many questions? Is there a cure? There are books and books about living and being in the present. It is possible that people who have read them and understand and know how to live completely in the present may have all the answers for me. Maybe I should read those books.

Inspite of my worry, much of me believes it is somehow useful to question, daydream, venture and think through things. Even through the absurd. That is why I do it (along with the fact I can't seem to stop). But it is possible I overindulge in this. What a quandary! The unexamined life is not supposed to be worth living. And yet, the overexamined life could be simply impossible to live!

Thinking about it, I still do quite a bit of living outside my head. But the potential to live even MORE on the outside is always appealing. And perhaps it's very possible. There are those crazy people who you meet who are 23 and have accomplished more than many 50 yr olds out there. And we all wonder, "How DID you do all that?" People have unlimited potential. I think. Maybe. Or maybe I would know if only I could stop thinking so much. How many people come out long enough to find out?