New Month Resolutions: February Recap

Last month, it was my goal to be more productive at work. How did I define success? I gave myself a number/grade, on a scale of 1-5 every day, based on how productive I felt I was. I hoped to reach a minimum average  number for the month.

Along with my basic goal of a number, I gave myself strategies to help me focus every day. Those tips included:

1) Praying. I prayed every morning at work to help me with my goal. I found this helpful because when I pray for something, I know it's something that I really want. And to remember that I really want it helped me to work hard at that.

2) I used a spreadsheet and tracked my time usage at work, every day. This was also good motivation, as I didn't like reporting ill-spent time.

3) I had a goal for minimum time spent on productive tasks. This helped me not to go on over-drive and burn myself out. Once I reached my minimum, I could relax a little and feel accomplished, rather than over-stressing every minute of every day, and breaking under the pressure of having to be perfect.

4) I tried to use the 10 minute rule. If I ran into a task I didn't like and would normally procrastinate, I would try to do it for just 10 minutes.

5) I would also employ the like+don't like strategy. For example, if I have to be doing something mind-numbing and not so fun, I would let myself stream something while I worked, to make it kind of entertaining.

6) I tried to keep & update task lists, so I could easily refer back to the lists to find out what I should do next, after I finished something.

7) Stepping outside. A lot of my tasks at work seem ambiguous and it's hard to determine "next steps". To help me tackle them, I find it helps to imagine I am advising someone else about what THEY should do. Silly, and yet remarkably effective.

8) Breaking it down. Writing a publication is a big, generic task. When working on things like that and not knowing where to start or what the next steps are, I just try to think of one small action to do -- something that is "road-ready", like "skim reference articles and gather quotes", or "draft outline", etc. It's obvious, but not making a concerted effort to identify those specific things has really stalled me on projects in the past.

Of course, these tips and tricks only help me in as much as I remember to employ them. Some I remembered to do better than others.

Results are in: It WORKED! This actually worked. I am so satisfied from this experiment. Of course, every day was not a perfect day of productivity. But I liked the flow of this month's goal, because I was allowed bad days. I was allowed to fail once or twice in meeting my goal, because my achievement this month was not based on being perfect every day, or every week, but based on the average of all those days. And so bad days were just a blip that was cause for concern, rather than total defeat.

As for January's goal -- I was not perfect in keeping up with my January month goal to work out 3x/wk, but I did pretty well with keeping up with my exercise overall. The 2 weeks I didn't reach 3x/wk, I still worked out twice. And I'm back at keeping it up for March. Managing regular workouts is easier after having worked on that habit for a month. This month-long resolution thing is really just amazing.

The other thing I really like about the monthly resolutions is that rather than having a hyper-focus once a year on the fact you'd like to do better at something, you actually are directed to focus on your goals and personal improvement EVERY MONTH. And if you are too busy and miss a month, who cares? You have 11 other months that are still totally do-able.

My goal for March: To blog once a week. I don't know that this goal will be as life-enriching as being more productive and exercising, but I do like to blog. And I HAVE blogs. And I've thought before about having that goal. And if I don't think it adds much to my life -- it's only for a month. LOVE THIS!

Bathroom Renovation: Results Are In

You may or may not recall, but I started renovating my bathroom. About a year ago. It took me longer than I expected. Now before you get any big ideas, this was a rather low-budget renovation. I know, I know. You would expect complete demolition for a project that takes a year. What can I say? I have a day job. And staining and varnishing trim takes a long time. Which, BTW was only mildly worth it. While I added new trim to all the doors and windows, and I like the stain I used better than what was there, I ended up picking the same trim profile. I also want to confess that I had to hire help to install the trim, and do many other things. I did some work, but definitely not all of it.

Here's what it used to look like as you walked in, and then what it looks like now:

   

The bland old view of the vanity area before, and the new vanity area:

     

My inspiration for all the colors (which will give one more view of the bathroom I didn't bother with before) was the shower curtain. I wanted ruffles. I think "mission accomplished" on that wish:

Some of the other new improvements include:

I covered the light panels with scrapbook paper and Mod Podge

 I picked out some hardware for the vanity drawers 

We put in new baseboards

Crown molding too 

 We replaced both the light fixture over the vanity (already pictured) and the bathroom fan light (above)

Even a new hand towel ring

I also had fun in the closet. I stenciled the side walls (note to self. Never stencil in a place that has so many corners.Also, never EVER stencil on textured walls ever again. It's exasperating). At least it looks kinda cute. Just don't look too close. :) I also added tracking so the shelves can be moved as needed. There are two shelves up right now, and 3 more in storage in case I run out of room in that gargantuan vanity. :) And, of course, I added that mop holder. Utilitarian for sure, but I love it.

This cute little shelf was dark wood and black iron rod when I bought it. I covered it with polka-dot fabric and Mod Podge, and spray painted the iron rod white. Then I printed a poem on some turquoise paper and framed it. I like having good poetry around the house.

Even as the project just finished today, I still see some details I need to take care of. Namely: a window treatment, new doorknob, a tissue paper box cover, and a new waste basket. And I'm not sure if all the pictures on the wall are at the right height. But the big stuff and most of the little stuff is done. And while I'm not totally sure what I think of the results, I know it's a big improvement, and it's mine. And it's done. All of those facts give me great satisfaction. And since I am allowing myself to move on to other house projects now, I figured it was done enough to let you all see. 

I learned something about myself in this project that I had no idea was as deep-rooted as it is -- I hate pre-fabricated sets of anything. I don't even having matching dining room chairs. So, nothing in the bathroom exactly matches anything else. I'm not sure if this quirk of mine is good or bad. But it doesn't apply to everything. Right now the walls on my first floor are not only multi-colored, but also multi-textured. Which leads me to my next project -- painting the entire rest of the 1st floor. :)

Month 2 Resolution Update

So, I feel like I need to check in on this resolution. I checked in pretty much every week on the last one. I can only imagine all of your questions. Have you kept up your 1st month resolutions? Have you failed yet? Okay, so no one has asked, and you don't have questions. I'm just holding myself accountable -- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

First question: Can you really let it go of the resolution after 1 month?

Yes and no. Part of me was not sure if I would secretly require myself to stick to the old month resolutions, and then be crushed under the mountain of all my resolutions, as they piled up over time. Good news! I have not fallen to this disease of having secret requirements that my resolutions continue to exist longer than the month established.

THAT BEING SAID, I really did love working out 3x/wk, and feel like it is something I want to continue with. It makes me happy. But for the 1st week of February, I gave myself a break from the routine. I appreciated the reprieve on one level, but I also felt the nagging feeling I usually get when I'm not maintaining my desired level of fitness. So, in week 2, I am back on the wagon and on my way to having fit in my 3 workouts. And I hope, moving forward, I will mostly maintain that habit. Having done it for a whole month already, I think it will be easier for me to make that happen.

What about your resolution for February?

Ultimately, I did my research and I tried to set reasonable goals for myself. I gave myself only one goal, in the end. And I won't know if I've reached it till the end of the month. What is that goal?

Well, fortunately, I have been tracking my ability to focus at work for the last 7 months (I'm a nerd?), so I know for 7 months what my average level of focus is, on a scale of 1-5. I took that monthly average, and made it a goal to do slightly better than all of those averages. But I don't have to do a lot better.

I have mini-goals to help me:
-- a set # of minimum hours of productivity I would like to achieve every work day
-- start my day with a prayer asking for help with my goal

There are a few other tips & tricks I use that are more specific to a somewhat ADD personality, such as myself, to help me. So, how's it going?

1) Good. I think I will achieve my goal. And while this in no way means that I am perfect in my ability to be a productivity superhero, it is a comfort to me to know that I can improve in this, and AM improving.

2) It's difficult. So, I'm not technically ADD. But I do have a lot of the traits of someone who is. And there is a reason this is a goal of mine -- because I don't do it well or easily. To add to the challenge, I learned this week that concentrating on difficult tasks for long periods of time actually puts me in a bad mood. So, I have to learn how to moderate that and problem-solve, so I can be productive and happy at the same time. I imagine other revelations will occur as I press on with this goal. And I welcome the opportunity to learn more about myself.

As is true with any change, this resolution work is stressful. I'd say it's a good thing I am only requiring myself to work on this goal this month. But it makes me happy to know that I can achieve it and get better. Stress is not a bad thing.

Still I say, "Yeah for New Month Resolutions"!

New Month Resolution #2: Bracing For Failure

I'm only one month into the year, and I've already got a resolution done. It's great to start the year out with success! Especially because I foresee this streak ending very soon. :)

What about February? Ohhh, February.

So, I was looking over my resolutions lists of DO MORE and DO LESS, and I have come to a conclusion. I am in trouble. The Do LESS's on my list are good to work on, but they are SO MUCH HARDER. I don't have many habits, but the ones I do have are REALLY INGRAINED. Easier to make than to break, I guess.

I believe, with the DO LESS resolutions, I will most definitely fail. But I am going to try them anyway. It's not like I haven't failed before.

Then again, it depends on how I define failure. To succeed, I just need to be real. What am I really after with this goal? I want to IMPROVE myself, not PERFECT myself during the course of the month. . I want better, and I want sustainable. That's really what I'm after.

So, to set myself up so that I can succeedl, it's all about semantics, parameters, and definitions. How much less do I want to do? How much less can I realistically manage? How do I define failure? How do I know if I've succeeded? This is really just like January's goal of exercising 3x/wk. It would be wonderful if I exercised 6x/wk in theory. But it does not make my happy & healthy, and it's really too big a leap from how my life runs right now.

Resolution for February: Get on the internet LESS while I'm at work.

Possible Strategies:

1) have a timer so I can track how much time has passed when I DO get on the internet.
2) set an amount of time I have to work before I allow myself to check anything online.
3) provide myself with a short list of easy ways to get engaged with work when I am finding it hard to concentrate
4) set a max amount of time to be online each work day.
5) set a minimum amount of time to be engaged in work projects each day.
6) start my day differently than I normally do, just to mark the change in behavior and trigger a different approach

To help me set parameters: 
1) I am going to track my productivity and time usage for 3 days (not a long time sample, but it's all the workdays I have left before February), and then pick a percentage of improvement for the 1st week. Based on how it goes that week, I will decide if week #2 parameters need adjustment or if I should stick to week #1 levels.
2) I have a log that I have been keeping for the past 7 months where I actually have rated myself on a scale of 1-5 in my ability to focus on work. I may be able to incorporate this as an evaluative tool, to see if I have improved.

Are there any tips or tricks you guys use to keep the ADD part of you on-task and away from your favorite websites? It can be hard for me. It comes a little bit with the territory of endlessly having new kinds of projects that don't have obvious next steps.  That, and the fact that I'm me. But I know I'll feel better when I don't get distracted and just dig in and tackle them. And I think my boss feels better too. :)

Here's to trying. Here's to almost certain failure. Here's to hopes of a little bit of win.

Go Team Me!

Week 3: The Week I Conquered All

Yeah, so week three of my resolution. To avoid the torture of suspense, I DID in fact get in all my workouts. That being said, I almost cracked.  This week it felt like every challenge and pitfall that normally hits me came all at once.

Pitfall 1: Overzeal. Sometimes I get caught up in the fabulous feeling of being fit. And after one day of working out, I think, "Who needs a rest day? Let's work out again! Let's work out harder! Let's work out Four or even FIVE times! I love working out!" I had these thoughts after my 1st workout this week. And then I reminded myself that when I overdo it, I regret it. So, despite feeling this way, I did not go overboard. And thus, my overzealous self did not stop me.

Pitfall 2: I don't know who said that working out makes you lose weight. This is not always true. If that WERE always true, sumo wrestlers would be much smaller. I often gain pounds when I get more fit.  Of course, weight is not the only reason to seek after fitness. But when I see the scale creeping up (which I did this week) it's a little hard to remember that. But I did not let it stop me.

Pitfall 3: Impulsive eating. Sometimes I get really snacky. Is it related to hormones? I don't know. But I suspect it is. And on days when I have eaten more than I should (specifically, Wednesday and Thursday of this past week), I do not like to work out. Mostly because I'm still digesting. And I feel a little failure-ish, which sadly makes me want to just fail at everything. I also did not let this stop me.

Pitfall 4: Soreness. I would appreciate if all muscles in my body would commit to being sore for only ONE day after working out.  My muscles do not always agree with this, as they did not this week. And I WAS tired of feeling it. I did not let this stop me.

Pitfall 5: Sometimes work and meetings get crazy, causing some days to be virtualy impossible for working out. This happened. That's another reason I only shoot for 3 days. I did not let it stop me.

Pitfall 6: I have a really hard time sticking to a routine. Like ANY routine. I did not let this stop me.

So, here I sit, Tuesday after the week I conquered all, very satisfied with myself. I'm not at my slimmest. I did not behave perfectly with my eating habits. I am not being magically transformed into Gisele Bundchen. But I am satisfied with myself.  I have no issues of conscience, telling me I should be working harder. And I believe, despite the downers, that my physique and health is better for the wear and tear.

As much as I did get it done, it wasn't without periods of, ahem, extreme disability (to reference my graphic for this post). Ben tried to give me comfort when I was complaining about it by saying that I can pick a new resolution next month. I'm almost done. And it's true. I can. Only one more week and I will have achieved my goal. But I don't know if I'll be ready to give this one up in February. It feels so good! (right now, at least) Yeah for New Month Resolutions!

Working Out: Three is The Perfect Number

So, it's the end of the 2nd week of January. I'm done with week 2 of my resolution to work out 3x/wk. So far so good! I know so many people would be thinking, "Three times? That's not even worth making a resolution for. Wimpy." Perhaps that's true. But it doesn't change the fact that I haven't accomplished three workouts in a week with any resemblance of regularity in my recent past. And I don't really aspire to do more. For me, I just LOVE the three-times routine. Not two. Not four. Not five. DEFINITELY not six. Three. Here's why:

1. I find that if I only work out twice, while still good, I don't necessarily feel like I'm maintaining or improving on my fitness goals. So less than three doesn't seem to be enough to keep that nagging thought of "you're letting yourself go" out of my head.This being the case, it also follows that one is no good -- I feel like I'm on the border of falling off the wagon. And zero, well, I can literally feel myself becoming mush when I do that with regularity.

2. When I consistently work out 4 or more times per week, I become very susceptible to injury. Since I work out to be healthy, this seems counterproductive. And I am sore more than I like to be, as I don't have a rest day somewhere in there for that sensation to fully wear off -- which makes me eat too much food, as it's a means of numbing my soreness, and my hunger pangs kind of go bonkers -- also counterproductive. Maybe I could mitigate these effects by incorporating lighter workouts into my routine. Or maybe I just need to work up to more workouts more gradually than I have in the past. Regardless, my experience so far with 4+ workouts has been no bueno for sustainability.

3. I don't feel like going to the gym is the center of my life when I only work out 3 times. And while some people may like it as the center of their life, I do not. Some people may not mind the never-ending cycle of going to the gym, changing, working out, showering, changing again, reapplying makeup, getting back to real life, and washing ALL those stinky gym clothes -- I get overwhelmed by it when I do it too often. And in the words of someone with sass, "Ain't nobody got time for that".

I could have more reasons. But it seems only fitting to end on three. I just like that number.

New Month Resolutions: What, What?

                                  

I decided this year that rather than making New YEAR resolutions, I'd like to make New MONTH resolutions. I got the idea from a book called The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin (recommended, in case that's not obvious). It's not really what she did in the book. More like an adaptation of what she did.

My resolution idea started with thinking of things I want to NOT do or do LESS of. And then I thought, well, it's not good to try NOT to do something unless you try to replace the thing you shouldn't do with something you SHOULD. So, I made a list of all the things I want to do LESS of. And I started pairing those with a list of things I want to do MORE of. 

I like do LESS rather than NOT do. For me, the things I'm working on aren't necessarily things I want to completely not do. At this point, I'm not sure I'm capable of not doing them, or that I even desire to completely not do them. And why set myself up for failure or for a nonworthy task? And why deal in absolutes if I don't have to?

So what made it on my DO LESS an DO MORE lists?

Examples of DO LESS

don't read the news so much

don't waste time of Facebook

don't pick at your poor lips so much

don't eat so many sweets

etc, etc.

Examples of DO MORE

Blog More

Work out regularly

Draw more

Work more on fixing up the house

etc., etc.

Well, I haven't yet decided which of my LESS things to focus on, so I think I'm going to save that for February. I know, I know. Such a cop out. But they're harder. I think starting out my 1st month with a gimme task that is very doable is a good idea. So for January, my do MORE is to work out 3 times per week, every week. Typical? Yes. But I'm amazingly reenergized by the idea that I only have to manage this for one month in order to be successful.

One week of the new year has passed. How did I do?

I worked out on Monday, and then again on Thursday at the gym at work. I woke up today (Saturday) and felt determined to get in my necessary third, but didn't feel like I had much giddy-up. In fact, I had no giddy-up. I usually very much like working out and have energy for it. But that may be the reason I don't do it regularly -- becaus I prefer to only work out when I feel like it. Still, saturdays are usually one of my favorite days for a boogy-down session. But I really wasn't feelin' it. So, I indulged in a lazy, read things on line and plan nothing kind of Saturday morning. At last I said enough is enough, and went downstairs to work out. I put my jammin' music on and tried to get into it. After a warmup song I was feeling just as rusty as if I had just rolled out of my bed. New plan: I would go with a more deliberate work out. I didn't specify how long these workoutts had to be. They only have to have happened. So, I went about the business of my pseudo-crossfit routine that I made up a few months ago:

15 squat jumps

25 crouching leg lifts on each side

30 crunches

12 girl push ups

Repeat 3 times. 

I did this. Then I felt done. Then I felt worse than done. Then I felt dizzy. Then I felt like I was cramping. Then I felt like I should go to the toilet. Then I went to said toilet. Then I puked. Then I felt a little better.

Do I believe throwing up is a good idea? No. Am I still glad I got through my 3rd workout for the week? Yes. Might I now agree with my dear niece who told me this workout made her nauseous when I got her to do it with me during Thanksgiving Break? Yes. Might I rethink the composition of said routine? Jury is out, but it's possible. The truth is, I managed said workout at least 8 or so previous times without the above reaction. And, to its credit, it makes me sore and I always feel like I kicked my butt afterwards. And after all, isn't that why I'm working out?

My workout may need tweaking, but I think I'm liking the new resolutions model so far. 

What are you up to in the spirit of the New Year? 

2013 Retrospective

(2013 -- aka the year I learned The Cups Song)

I have found myself, over the course of the year, and probably EVERY year, thinking about how things are not happening fast enough, I am not accomplishing enough, etc.I often feel behind in life when I get to the end of my year. Perhaps it is because I am so busy doing the same things that I forget I'm doing anything and then I think I should be doing more things because my base level of things just doesn't seem amazing enough.

 I was having this thought over again during this past month. And then I argued with my thought and I started taking a short inventory of all the change in my life, just over this past year. I realized that quite a bit had happened which I was failing to measure. In that spirit, I have compiled a Top 10 of 2013.

Top 10 Laudable, Fulfilling Dones of 2013

1) I started a new job as Program Manager of Community Engagement at the Medical College of Wisconsin. They haven't fired me yet And I am slowly figuring out what that means, so maybe I can explain it when you ask me.

2) I started renovating our downstairs bathroom. It involved a lot of demolition, staining/varnishing of wood trim, designing color palettes and choosing finishing touches. It's not done yet. But that's because I need a contractor for the last remaining pieces, and he's been kind of sick over the last month. So, that's the downside. The upside is the bathroom is at least functional again. And it will be finished soon. I will post about it. With pictures. I promise. It's not a total renovation. It's just low-budget makeover. But I'm loving it.

3) I was the advisor/teacher for the Mia Maids for many months in my ward here in West Bend. And I loved it. And all the Young Women. They're awesome. They released me just this past month and I already miss it.

4) I am now the YW Secretary for the Appleton Stake. It's my first stake calling and I really am not sure how I feel about it. The good news is the other ladies in the presidency are awesome. On initial testing of the waters, I feel confident in saying, ward callings are more fulfilling than stake callings. But it's a worthy cause, so I'll keep plugging away and perhaps stake stuff will grow on me. 

5) I dipped my feet back into the waters of theater and participated in community theater in a One Act play by a local playwright. I was Eve. I had fun. And I made some wonderful new friends who I still need to invite over my house for a fun little reunion.

6) Ben and I traveled to Utah for my family reunion and celebrated my parents' 50th Wedding Anniversary. And we got to see a lot of wonderful faces that I love and don't see often enough. 

7) I started a new cooking habit. When making any yummy food, I make at least 2, if not 3 or 4, times more than we want and freeze the rest into one-meal-size packages. One of the best life hacks I've adopted. It's the gift of a meal that keeps on giving. My lazy self loves this and Ben seems equally pleased. 

8) We planted something. It's our first year owning a house. And one of the perks to home ownership that I have been waiting for is having things growing and blooming. We planted a bunch of baskets all over the deck this summer, and they were gorgeous. I had a lovely view of them from the kitchen all summer long and I loved it.

9) Jon & Anne and their family took us with them to the Boundary Waters back in August. It was absolutely beautiful, and Ben and I were delighted to have such lovely company to adventure with. And adventure we did, canoeing, portaging, camping, and blowing billows into the campfire. And I think all of the mosquito bites on my legs are now healed. 

10) We were hoping that having a house might bring about more visits with family & friends. And our wish came true! We have loved having Jon & Anne and their kids come stay with us, since being in Wisconsin makes us just a short evening's drive away. We go up there on weekends, and they have come down to see us several times. It's pretty much awesome. We also had a visit from Mesha Hawkins (Whaley) (for anyone who doesn't know, my forever friend and companion inseparable from pretty much all of my pre-college education years) for a weekend (epic and awesome), and Ben's brother Daniel came to see us for July 4th (also fabulous). Nothing makes home feel more homey than family and friends. Come see us more! We love it!

Despite all my laziness (which, I confess, there was some), it looks like 2013 was pretty eventful. Life keeps on moving. What will I endeavor for next year? I'm not totally sure yet. And, as usually happens, life has plans of its own and cares very little for what I put on the agenda. But I'm looking forward to it!

Frustration with dreaming

So I don't write often, and I don't promise to write more often, but running my own law firm takes time....and dedication, and a whole host of other things that I care not to elaborate on. Anyways, for the several weeks I have been in deep thought (mind you, my depth doesn't get much deeper than the bottom of a jar of Maille, but that is another story.)

I assume everyone that knows me, knows my well complained about issues with sleep, lack of it, and lack of its consistency. Along with that comes my lack of dreaming, but usually I don't complain about that, I just think that it is odd....but alas that is not what has bothered me today despite their importance and potential relation to the current topic of demise.

For the last several weeks/months, I have been a little annoyed with myself in the way things are going. I had these little goals in my head of how things would go, where they would be, and what I would be required to do to take it there. A lot of those goals were professional, and some were personal. Surprisingly, a lot of those goals have been attained or are in the process of being attained, and yet I was frustrated. Every day I was waking up and attaining goals, and making things that I had set as goals when I was 5 a reality, yet I wanted more, or at least I wasn't happy with where I was at. One would think that if their "dreams" were being fulfilled that one would be happy. But that is the topic of the post...."DREAMS".

I began to internalize as to whether it was that my goals were not fulfilling. I feel like they are fulfilling, and as an everyday life, I actually enjoy them quite a bit. I think the world would look at them as respectable and admirable goals, and I don't think I am entirely a self-centered individual, although I won't claim that I am not selfish.

Well, if my goals were fulfilling, aren't my goals my dreams? OR are goals and dreams different? Are dreams that intangible thing which we lust after and goals the pragmatic steps that we take to get there?

What is a dream? Very tough to call. I have found myself feeling uninspired and a bit, hmmm.... shall we say calculated and pragmatic. I longed for the days when I would stare out the window and fantasize about being superman, or batman....and reflect back on how happy those day dreams made me feel, despite the fact that I knew they would never come into existence.

I know those around me would say that I am always dreaming of these wild and crazy endeavors that I get involved with, yet I never seem to feel like they are dreams. They seem like pragmatic, practical plans in an attempt to achieve very tangible and realistic goals (what is realistic to one may not be realistic to another.) Yet, I continue to wake up every day and wonder what it is in the world I am doing with myself. And then it hit me.

Have I failed to dream? What do I mean by that? I mean that I have failed to remove myself from the tangible every day practical part of life and think about the "if's" and the "what if's". The unattainable has become attainable, and therefore, my dreams have died...fortunately not because of depression or failure, but because of relative success (I am no millionaire). Odd to say that success has frustrated me, but it has. There is still challenge and things to work for, but they are attainable, or at least I feel like they are attainable.

It is that failure to keep the dream alive, to keep dreaming that has lead to the frustration. I have wondered over the last while what it was with me, and I wonder if that is the answer. That if failing to come up with new dreams, new ideas, new challenges and aspirations, that the old dreams which one has attained or failed, whichever is ones reality, the dreaming has been supplanted by the every day, the parts of life that keep us alive and make us human. The parts of life that sustain us in a temporal sense, but they do not keep our spirits alive, at least not my spirit alive.

I need to dream. I need to dream of that next mountain that needs to be climbed, or that little bit of dirt that I could cultivate an ant farm in. Whatever it is, I believe it is the continuous process of dreaming that keeps my spirit alive.

So alas, if you have felt similarly, or ideas in what it is you dream about and work for...chime in. Let me hear your thoughts...and maybe, just maybe I'll dream of writing a response! ;)

Made For Me

It's interesting, the things you learn over the years and how long it can actually take to figure things out. Even basic things. The evolution of becoming a woman. Not just a woman, but a knowledgeable woman. A woman who has self awareness and seems to have it together. We have LOADS to figure out -- like how to get the right bra, plucking eye brows, learning to blend your foundation into the chin/neck area so you don't have a line, buying clothes that aren't too baggy OR too tight. Figuring out how to shave without gashing your legs everywhere. Learning what colors you can and can't wear, learning to appreciate a real haircut instead of having your mom put a bowl over your head and trimming around the edges, learning how to be sexy without showing all of your cleavage/legs/back/belly/body. Learning everything. There's so much to learn and figure out. And for some it takes a while.

For me, it takes an especially long while. But I'd like you to know, I have just hit a milestone of progress on my womanly journey.

I have had an understanding, since I was about 23, that I just have bad skin. But even after acne meds, I would still have blemishes pretty consisently (though admittedly they were fewer), so I accepted the idea that my skin was just not the best,... genetically defective and not meant to be clear... except for maybe sometime in my 70's when all my hormones had dried up and subsequently stopped messing with my face. Sometimes you just can't beat nature.

Despite this understanding and accepting of my flaws, there was a small little corner of me that was in denial and refused to believe this. This small corner of me was certain the problem was my face products and that I just have incredibly sensitive skin. This small corner of me urged me on to search high and low from drug store to department store to beauty product store to online store to pyramid scheme business, experimenting with, purchasing and returning egads of lotions, face washes, face serums and the like -- all in the name of clearer skin.

I'm 28 years old and I'd just like you to know, that little corner of me was right. I'm not crazy after all! Ok, maybe I am. But I was at least not crazy in this regard. And my quest is over. Hallelujah! It couldn't have come at a better time. ok, I lie. A better time would have been at least 14 years ago. But better late than never, right? And when late is still BEFORE your wedding day pictures, I don't feel I should complain.

I don't think these products are for everyone, as everybody's skin is different, but should you have incredibly sensitive skin like I, you too might be seeking friendly products. Here's my findings from years of research: I have newly found two products: 1) dermatlogica's ultracalming cleanser and 2) hope in a jar's therapeutic moisturizer for dry, sensitive skin. And I didn't capitalize the names of those products because they're not capitalized on the actual product packaging. They both have very little in them and nothing to rub skin raw, irritate or put harsh, alcoholic fragrances or burning chemical face brightening or whatever crap on your skin. No anti-aging, no skin plumping, no nothing. The one moisturizes and the other washes. That's it. Neither of them have spf, but if you're an spf junkie, they do have face lotion from philosophy's hope in a jar that does have spf. For me, I went without that as I have figured out the LESS ingredients in the bottle, the better off I am.

One thing down, a few thousand more to go. The journey of womanhood is long, and it is hard. Boys will never understand completely. But it's so encouraging and rewarding when you finally figure something out. I'm one step closer, though I'm not sure to what. And I'm one notch more confident. I understand myself that much more. Progress always feels good. And, in this case, looks even better. :) How refreshing.

Old Year, New Year

It's about that time. Time to reflect on what's transpired and what will come. The first is, of course, easier to figure out. So, I'll start there. The last year has brought me many things, involved various accomplishments and given me lots of happy memories. In keeping with my age, I will list that many relished feats and happy times in 2007. Here are some favorites:

1) ran a half marathon
2) started blogging
3) started a book club with a very good friend and, as a result, started reading more.
4) got a bit of much-needed therapy
5) got back together with Male. What can I say? I just like him.
6) ran a 5k with my nephew, Christopher
7) went home for Thanksgiving
8) survived a family reunion in St. George
9) went to Colorado for the 1st time with some friends and went rafting
10) went to Vegas with some friends and had a rip roaring good time
11) ran into a moose and survived to tell the tale.
12) sent my parents away on a mission. Twice.
13) got over myself a little bit and learned how to love better.
14) bought new clothes that I love.
15) worked at a much-loved clothing store for a year, gained great experience, learned lots and made some great friends
16) started planning a business venture
17) started studying for the LSAT
18) managed to save instead of going into debt ( even if I didn't save as much as I wanted to)
19) bought a camera. I LOVE that thing
20) didn't break up with Male. Not once. It took some restraint, I'll admit, but I think I'm better for it.
21) got a roommate. And she's totally rad.
22) got my favorite calling back. Yeah!
23) started buying furniture-like things. I have a filing cabinet AND a book shelf. It makes me feel like more of an adult, somehow.
24) got into ebay auctions. They are so fun. And so addictive.
25) got Male to start to learn swing dancing
26) I haven't verified this with anyone, but I think I became a better listener. Really, I do.
27) kept dancing and hoola hooping :)
28) redecorated my bathroom. Oh, it just looks so good.

As for the coming year and what it will bring, there's really no way of telling, but here's a brainstorm of various directions I would like to be headed. (note I wrote "directions", plural. We all well know I could never limit myself to just one).

1) find a new, better paying job. I would be willing to substitute this fo my current job paying me better. But I prefer a new job. So I'll shoot for that.
2) start business venture. There's a lot that goes into this one. Lots of time and lots of steps. And licensing. In fact, I think this one resolution should count for a gazillion. Yipes, jeepers, heavens to Betsy and criminy, all in one. Whoever Betsy is. But I'll just count it as one for now.
3) go to London. London misses me. And I miss London.
4) nurse my ankles back to health enough to be able to run again. I'm being very well behaved right now. I won't even bring my running shoes to the gym, just so I'm not tempted to test them out yet. Some day I can bring them. Some day soon. But not yet.
5) teach Male to swing dance. I have great hopes for him. And he shows promise.
6) love better. I learn more all the time. Relationships are good teachers. In my recent experience, I find that loving people hurts a lot. And I'd say christian theology supports my theory. So, at times I feel inclined to stop. However, the alternative is much less happy. Don't that just beat all.
7) see my sister more and make time to help her with her kids.
8) make more time for friends and family. As the years pass me, I realize I'm not very good at this, and at some point I will look back and wish I had made the time. Now's a better time to start so that point doesn't come.
9) save money. Note I didn't say how much. This is because I like to avoid failure. Thus, I stick to being vague and I manage to avoid failure, for the most part. You can see this as a trend in many a New Year's resolution.
10) take the LSAT. I think. This one might get delayed. Honestly, a girl can only do so much in a year and as I read through this list, I can see I'm giving myself a full agenda already. But no harm in aiming high, right?
11) run some 5k's. That is of course, if I can run at all. I hope, I hope, I hope.
12) keep dancing & hoola hooping. It's quirky, as am I, and I just love it. I sometimes reflect back to when I was a little girl dancing to my dad's Elvis cd's in the living room cuz I just couldn't help myself. Here I am 20 yrs later, and though Elvis may be replaced my Gwen Stefani or Pink, I find I haven't changed much. Ok, so puberty happened. Even so, that continuity is still there. It's comforting.
13) keep up the book club. And keep up WITH the book club. It's a challenge. I don't know how Joan does it.
14) keep blogging. It's good for the soul.
15) eat less sugar. I like to make easy goals for myself. Take this resolution for example-- I just have to commit to eating 19 pieces of candy per day, instead of 20 and I've succeeded! See? That simple. Of course, I could go full throttle and do some kind of cleanse or something to flush it all out of my system, but I'm always leary of extreme measures. And I do love sugar.
16) buy a laptop computer. I'd like to get one yesterday. It's amazing I've survived so long without one, really.
17) buy a blackberry or something like it. The phone I have now is sleek and sexy, but it doesn't quite cut it. I think I need to trade in sleek & sexy for practical.
18) learn some more Spanish. This won't be too hard since I only remember a whole of 5 words from the class I was in last year.
19) get another book shelf. My book collection keeps growing. I wonder why?....
20) grow my hair out and don't dye it so I can donate it to charity.
21) work out 3x/wk. On average. Give or take a day.
22) get more home workout equipment,like maybe an exercise ball, or an aerobic step, or a punching bag, or a stationary bike.. stuff like that.
23) rent out my studio.
24) budget better. Thus, I can save more and waste less on clothes. Of course, I'll still buy fabulous clothes that I do, in fact, need. And I do mean "need". I'll just be more strategic and choosy about it so as not to waste.
25) don't speed (in hopes the end result will be that I don't get speeding tickets. )
26) cook more often. Again, this one should be easy since I presently don't cook at all.
27) redecorate another room in the house.
28) have people over for dinner on Sunday. Ooh, that's a good one. Yes indeed. That helps me with my resolutions to spend more time with family AND cook more often. Brilliant!
29) buy one pair of absolutely fabulous, to die for, I love you, I love you shoes. A couple of my I love you, I love you shoes are getting tattered and need to be retired. I need replacements. Expensive replacements. Oh, heaven help me and my love for personal adornment.

There we have it. Twenty-nine resolutions for my 29th year. I should be overwhelmed. But I'm not because I am presently giving absolutely no consideration to how much effort all that will take to accomplish. And I refuse to do so. So there. Ya know, I just love goals and new years resolutions and all that 5 year, 20 year planning mumbo jumbo. It's so motivating. And it kind of points me in a direction so I know where I'm headed. I just like that. I don't know how anybody gets anywhere without this stuff. And I find it so exciting. Am I the only one?

I also like realizing there are lots of things I'm glad I don't need to include on my list. For example, I don't need to stop drinking or quit smoking, stay out of rehab, leave my boyfriend who beats me up or wean myself off meth. This is good, no? In that kind of light, I get quite pleased with my current situation.

Of course, I realize this list has other items that are not on it that may be missed by some. I am sure most of my friends reading this will be disappointed to see that I have not included any resolutions or list items containing words like marriage, bridal shower, engagement, ring shopping or honeymoon. What can I say? When I start making resolutions or goals in that direction, I assure you all, you will be the first to know. Just don't start checking the blog every day expecting something like that to be posted.

My Favorite Room

Hurrah! Hurrah! Last night, I hung sconces on the wall! It may not be the final touch in renovating my bathroom, but it is ONE of the final touches. And pardon my french, but they look !@*& good on that wall. Right next to the picture I bought that accents the room perfectly. The room would totally be incomplete without that picture. Good thing I found it.

You heard me right. Yes, indeed. I have actually taken some interest in my dwelling place and have renovated the bathroom. Of course, I'm on a limited budget. So sadly enough, renovating did not include replacing that unsightly white & green linoleum on the floor. But I repainted and redecorated. That was a financial undertaking in itself. Apparently, metallic paint is expensive. So if you ignore the floor, being in my bathroom is a totally relishable experience.

Oh, and I must give credit where credit is due. My sister was kind enough to offer her services in repainting the room with me for my birthday present. She spent from about 9am to almost 5pm on a Saturday helping me prep and paint. It made it go by a lot faster having four hands and someone to chat with throughout the process. She's a wonder. That's what she was doing for her "day off" from her five children. And then, of course, Male helped me. I ran into some trouble putting in the screws for the sconces and in figuring out how to work the caulking. Did I mention I'm not very handy? Fortunately, he proved to be most helpful on both those fronts. So, thank you, thank you, thank you.

So, I will put pictures up on the blog so all of you can see. I remembered to take BEFORE pictures right after I tore down the wallpaper, which was a little too late. So, sorry for not being able to promise you those. You may not completely understand the degree to which this bathroom has experienced a remarkable transformation. Those who have been to my house may remember the somewhat unremarkable or luckily forgettable experience of visiting my restroom.

I can describe briefly the ugliness that was my bathroom: On the bottom half of the wall below the railing there was a nasty, safari green paint. On the top of the wall and all over the vanity/sink area there was this tan/khaki, linen-textured wallpaper that had big brown faded palm leaves all over. And there was nothing worthy of calling decor to be seen in there.

And now? Oh, it's lovely. I should be an interior designer. It is SOOO much better. I still have to redo some caulking, but I think that will be the finishing touch. I can't help revelling in it during the ending phases of the renovation process. Over the last few days, I've taken every opportunity to just sit in there because it's so nice.

It might be recommendable that I renovate a room that would be more appropriate to hang out in, like my bedroom or the kitchen or living room. The kitchen....ooh.... that would be a smart way to get me to hang out in there. Ah, well, I'll have to save up for it, so it won't be happening at least within the next month. After all, the holidays are coming. But when I DO get around to the next room, I promise to remember to provide BEFORE and AFTER pictures.

Where Greatness Comes From

Some people seem destined for greatness. I am currently reading, or perhaps rereading, I know Why the Caged Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou. I say perhaps because there have been a couple sections of the book that seem very familiar to me, but the rest of the book seems completely new. Thus, I would say I'm more just reading it rather than rereading because it clearly didn't sink in the first time I went through the book.. or 1/2 the book. What I did before was more akin to my eyes grazing across the words with no absorption. Anyhow, this book is a classic and I am thoroughly enjoying it this time around. I took a minute to read Maya Angelou's biography in the back. She's amazing IF you didn't know. This woman has achieved greatness. She has come up through very difficult circumstances, she has an amazing story, a worthy cause, a keen intellect and she can make music with words. In fact, she has been doing just that for quite some time.

There are some people who appear to be truly destined for great things. They are delivered this package of great potential and a perfect mix for going on to do something amazing with it. I watched soccer last night with Male and his brother. Argentina and Brazil were playing, their two rival teams. There was a player on the Argentina team who had amazing talent. He was probably all of 18 yrs old. He's already one of the best players in the world and making millions. I'd say he got a good mix for greatness.

And then I think of me. I keep doing things in life hoping that some day I might stumble across something I really want to do. In the meantime, I make do with what I find I have some kind of aptitude for, hoping to make as good of use of myself as possible while I figure things out. This does not seem to me to be a good recipe for achieving greatness, for the most part. I could be wrong. But it just doesn't seem like it.

Don't get me wrong. I don't feel sorry for me. I am lucky to have been blessed with many talents. I can draw pretty well. I sing well. I can write some fun songs on the guitar. I'm a good speaker...blah, blah, blah. However, none of these things are things I do amazingly. I'm average. Maybe slightly above average in a few things. But not great. I have yet to find the Greatness that Nelson Mandela was talking about being hidden within each of us that we're afraid of. I wish I could have a long talk with him about that quote of his. I've been looking everywhere for mine.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm letting it pass me by. I wonder what great cause I was given to champion that I am neglecting. What fabulous enterpreneurial endeavor am I failing to envision? Under what rock is my passion for "whatever-it-is" hiding that I have yet to unturn?

We may all not be destined for greatness. At least not the newspaper article, emmy awards, million-dollar income, or mass-hunger solving variety. Sometimes your not the man who will walk on the moon, or the next female real estate mogul. It reminds me of a poem that said something about, if you'r de tail don't ye try to wag de dog. Be who you are. Don't be what you ain't. So, what if you're a daisy? Your job is to recognize that and proceed to bloom like crazy. That poem made so much sense to me when I read it years ago. Just be who you are. Duh. Right.

There's only one trick. How do you know if your a tail or a daisy? I know it may take all the fun out of self-discovery and finding out, but I wish I had been given an outline for exactly what I was. I'm fine with being a daffodil if I'm a daffodil. But I'm not sure if I'm a daffodil trying to be a tree, or an artist trying to be an athlete or a whatever else one could be while not knowing and trying to be something else. I was giving so many average talents and more interests than I know what to do with that I'm not sure what to focus on. So it makes it a lot harder to just "get to it." Ya know?

As you can see, I find my life job description to be slightly less clear-cut than the poem might lead you to think it is. I have thus concluded it's a deceptive poem. I didn't know that years ago when I read it. Figuring out what you are is an adventure. A LONG adventure in my case. Someday I may achieve some kind of greatness. But imagine it will not be of the Maya Angelou, Louie Armstrong, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey variety. It will be...... something. I hope. How's that for definitive?

I think my job for the moment, while I try to figure out my job, is just to keep doing what comes across my path that seems worth doing. Someday Iwill know if I'm a daisy or a tail or a tree or whatever I'm supposed to be. And I can wonder and hope that between me and my great work, eventually one of us will find the other. In the meantime, the music of life continues. And to that I say, "Play on, friends. Play on."

I Think I Thought a Lot of Things to Think About

Many days, I wonder if my entire life weren't all just inside my head. I worry that I get so wrapped up in thinking and worrying about all the things that are going on and all the things that could go on. But what could actually be going on if I weren't so busy thinking about the possibilities?

So much to consider. How does one find time to live? I try to see what things really are, what I percieve them to be and I wonder how much of a difference there is. I also think about relationships. There are relationships at present, and then what they could evolve into. Relationships that could be, and also those never ventured for. I consider my life at present. And I consider all the life options of where I could be headed.

So many roads. Can I really only travel one? I may have one life to live, but I like to appease myself by pseudo-living through countless other lives, to see what I think of them and to make sure I really do like how I'm living this one. Inside my head, I've done quite a bit of living and made some really different choices. The craziest things have happened! Many of them tragic. Many of them glorious. Many of them life-altering and consequential. Many of them profoundly meaningful.

And now that I think about it, I should probably have more of them be just plain, stinking, deliriously fun and fantastical. They're my thoughts, after all. I can do whatever I want with them. Isn't that the brilliance and beauty of daydreams anyhow? The fact that anything is possible in there even if it's not realistic out here? I'm kind of saddened I don't do that much. I'm always so realistic. Do you guys do that a lot? Or maybe, doing that makes one crazy. I don't know. Hmmm...

But alas, I digress, and am lost in thought again. Back to the topic at hand. All this thinking and day-dreaming and playing things out in my head causes me to wonder, on many occasion, if I don't live life in my head too much. I certainly used to. This habit of mine is a great deal to blame for my distraction through elementary school (indeed, life in my head was a lot nicer, at the time, than life outside of my head). And it is possible all that "in my headedness" also contributed to the D's and F's that subsequently plagued me. Woops!

But even now, significantly post-grammar school and many better grades later, it is very possible to live in my head so much that I unduly detract from the amount of fabulous living I could be doing. There's this unknown, unquantifiable amount of life potential never reached. All of it exists out of my head, with real action, with the one life I actually have that is going by me, speeding past me every moment. But that potential can't be captured unless I am willing to come OUTSIDE of my very full, overly busy, distracting, daydreamy little head.

I may have a disease. Yes, another one. The disease of the ever-questioning individual. Or maybe much worse -- I'm perpetually living as the shamefully, ever-undecided individual. Can one ask too many questions? Is there a cure? There are books and books about living and being in the present. It is possible that people who have read them and understand and know how to live completely in the present may have all the answers for me. Maybe I should read those books.

Inspite of my worry, much of me believes it is somehow useful to question, daydream, venture and think through things. Even through the absurd. That is why I do it (along with the fact I can't seem to stop). But it is possible I overindulge in this. What a quandary! The unexamined life is not supposed to be worth living. And yet, the overexamined life could be simply impossible to live!

Thinking about it, I still do quite a bit of living outside my head. But the potential to live even MORE on the outside is always appealing. And perhaps it's very possible. There are those crazy people who you meet who are 23 and have accomplished more than many 50 yr olds out there. And we all wonder, "How DID you do all that?" People have unlimited potential. I think. Maybe. Or maybe I would know if only I could stop thinking so much. How many people come out long enough to find out?

Self Praise

I just thought I would state that I took the picture Sharon posted of herself. I was particularly impressed with myself on that one. It was taken on a fantastic whirlwind of a journey across the U.S. from Utah to Minnesota in a huge R.V. with 4 little kids, a gaggle of adults, and fun little jaunts hiking around rivers and waterfalls. It was a beautiful day to say the least!

P.S. I didn't take the picture of the lion, although I was there when it was taken. The shot is from a trip to Africa in the spring of 2006. Gorgeous country, lovely animals, and oh so funny stories.

Why I Don't Spend Money on Pedicures

The end to a training season has finally come. Saturday was my long-anticipated 1/2 marathon. This season had been riddled with little hang-ups for me. I am happy to report, despite the hangups and at the end of it all, it has been a strengthening, motivating, inspiring and overall very good experience. Yeah for accomplishing goals! Yeah for 1/2 marathons! My feet definitely got the short end of the stick this year. I don't think they're saying, "Yeah!" I think they're saying, "Did you have to do this to us right at the start of sandal season? I really liked having a full set of toenails. We're so embarassed to be seen." But that's the way it goes. They always fair poorly. They are forced to make a noble sacrifice for the greater good of the rest of me.

When not in training season, I still exercise. It has so many good effects. It's like a fountain of youth, health, energy and loads of other things. But this year, early on in my training, I realized that along with all of exercise's usual splendid benefits, my training was having additional side effects. In particular, It was causing me to gain weight.

GAIN?!?! What?!?! This is not an effect that I consider desirable. Admittedly, I am very anal about my weight and I watch my numbers like a hawk. I don't diet. Ever. But I do monitor.

I've heard that numbers don't matter. And while those words are perfectly audible and straightforward in definition, they really make no sense to me. No matter how low my numbers on the scale, I can't ever recall thinking they were too low. And no matter what numbers they have risen to, I can't ever recall feeling glad about it. And then my clothes were fitting tighter this season. Mmmm hmmm. Don't try to tell me I'm looking leaner. I am well aware muscle takes up room. Room I have not made accomodations for in my jeans. The sad truth is that I am a very typical, pathetic, superficial girl. I am small. And I like being small. And I do not desire that there should ever be MORE of me.

Training continued anyway. And I would look at the scale, week after week of training, and see that the numbers were consistently staying up. "No matter," I would tell myself. "It's muscle. At least most of it is. It is muscle, isn't it? How can I be sure? Does my waist look bigger to you?"

I didn't own a submerssive tank of water where I could dunk myself and accurately test the exact composition changes in my body each week. I hear they're expensive. I soothed myself, unable to test the actual changes in my body makeup, with the idea that it was only temporary and the glory and accomplishment of running the race would make it all worth it. Such a small sacrifice for the cause. I could be little again later. I'd be glad.

Then you add scheduling problems. I was working about 60 hrs/wk most weeks this training season. You add in making time for dates, commuting, and life as it comes, --- it does not make for an easy and consistent training schedule. I tried to schedule a couple sessions with a trainer. Ha! That was a laugh. I met with him once. And then, the next 7am appt. was thwarted by a change in work schedule, having to go to work early and off-site. It seemed to be a good indicator that I really just didn't have time for that. I got to the gym 3 x's/wk, on average. That was my goal.

But then there were a few weeks I missed my goal. And a few weeks when the long run I had planned just didn't fit in. Argggghh. Why does everyone marry in the spring? Don't people know there are races to train for? But it wasn't so bad. Since I had run 1/2 marathons before, I had the confidence and experience I needed in order to know what I could do. And I was able to train just enough to be able to do it.

And then there are all my injuries. I'm always injured. Call it Fibromyalgia. Call it a need for new shoes. Doesn't matter what you call it. It still hurts like hell. But after all that training, and ESPECIALLY after having already sacrificed my tight leash on the numbers of the scale, no ache or pain could keep me from my goal. I would run the race, I would finish, and I would finish respectably. I had an ankle ailment that was plagueing me for probably a good 1/2 of my training. But I was able to run on it anyway. After about 2 months and, coincidentally, about a week before the race, the ankle ailment moved and became a hip ailment. Gotta love Fibromyalgia. The hip ailment was a sharper pain, and seemed much more alarming and threatening to me. So, while I knew I was cardiovascularly ready and capable in strength, this new development caused me to worry thatI might be in for a disappointing finish.

The week before the race I did nothing. I was ready enough and there seemed no good reason to aggravate my ailments before race day. My weight had loomed up to it's highest during this week of inactivity. This is mostly because, in an effort to make sure I had enough energy, I made sure I ate more than enough all week long. Not completely logical, as I was just creating more of myself to cart around on the run. But from personal experience, I would say that it's the lesser of two evils. It really sucks to run a race when you're low on fuel. You feel weak, you don't perform well, and, basically, it completely destroys any training you've done. You might as well not train at all. So, despite myself, I ate. Lots. "It's all temporary," I kept telling myself.

Race day came. I didn't sleep very well the night before. I was TOTALLY anxious. Who sleeps well the night before the race? The guy I met the morning of the race does, apparently. His name is Bilal. He flew in for the race from LA. As luck would have it, however, his good night's sleep was thwarted by a crying baby a few hotel rooms away. Tough break.

Bilal happened to be running the marathon, but both races started together. So he and I, since we had struck up a conversation, started running together. He happened to be my exact pace. That was great. We clipped along with great conversation. We discussed different races. We talked about college. We talked about positive energy. He said I had great positive energy. I think he was hitting on me. And as we continued to chat, I mused about how funny it would be if I ever ended up dating a Lebanese accountant from LA who I met at a marathon. We ran together for the first 4 miles until our race courses diverged. Then I was on my own.

My hip had started to notify me that it wasn't feeling the best at mile 3. At mile 4, it notified me a little more loudly. At mile 6.5, it had stopped notifying me. Instead, it started to boycott. I was struggling to keep a smooth stride. The pain in my hip began to make me flinch with the impact of each step on that leg. As I continued to disregard it, the sharp, shooting pains persisted and the flinching became worse. I assessed things in my head and realized I had about 1/2 the race to go. And with a flinching right side, the miles ahead suddenly stretched before me, covering an expanse that was very long, grueling and quite painful. Before, those miles had seemed challenging, fun and surpassable. The reality of my situation was sinking in.

I stopped running and I began to walk. I walked for about a quarter mile. And I thought. I wasn't quite sure what to do at that point. I could walk the 7 remaining miles. It's long. But I'd finish. Eventually.... Some time... In a few hours. I was so disappointed. All the glory and accomplishment I had hoped for seemed unattainable-- keeping my 9 min pace, finishing under 2 hrs, improving -- all I had trained for. And I know I already mentioned this, but I was so disappointed. I think Bilal would have been disappointed too, if he knew. All that work for this? A bum hip and a long walk. Most irksome of all, my muscles weren't even tired yet. It felt like I hadn't worked at all.

Finally, I thought, "Screw the hip. I'm running anyway." I AM aware this makes me sound like I'm as bright as a caveman and quite juvenile. I don't deny either completely. We all have our moments. But logically, the worst prospect was that maybe I wouldn't run for a while. Who cares? My race is today. Not tomorrow. So, I ran. I ran lower to the ground. I ran my toes into the front of my shoes. And I ran more slowly. But soon I ran more confidently. And with a very sharp learning curve, I figured out how to maneuver so that I would cause my hip as little pain as possible. And I ran for the rest of the race. I even was able to put up a bit of a sprint at the end! I ran till I wasn't sure what hurt more: my muscles, my hip or any number of other joints from my waist down. And I finished my race w/ 1:57:38, an 8:59 min mile pace. Booyah!

Two days after the race, I am delighted to report that I have VERY VERY VERY SORE muscles. And I think I avoided permanent damage (The beauty of Fibromyalgia is that, though you may FEEL very wholly and truly injured, you're really not. You just feel that way.). Most happily, I walk ever so gingerly. I proudly hobble down stairs. I joyously (and more ably than going down) ascend stares with a huge lack of grace. And I am quite sure I will lose 3 toenails. I wore sandals to church yesterday and I am wearing sandals to work today, which I never do. But I can't put anything else on my feet at the moment. And I don't care. And next year, I will try to knock my time down to be somewhere below 1:50. Maybe. I think that's doable. We'll see. That'd be sooo cool. Someday I may have feet that will stay nice enough to make a pedicure worthwhile. That day is not today. Can't say I'm too choked up about that.