Perspective

Very recently, I have been approaching life experiences as something to be endured and trudged through. And then, after I have "survived" or "gotten through it", I will then emerge on the other end with a notch on my belt or a check on my list. I have just realized how incredibly, unbelievably inaccurate this view is.

While I do hope to "survive", it is not me that will emerge on the other end -- at least not me as I am right now. And a life experience isn't just endured (even if it's one you'd rather forgo). It is, ironically, to be experienced. It is something that at least should, and probably will, change you. And at the other end of the experience, while you will emerge, it will be a different you. One that will never be the same.

So, I guess what that means is I should choose my experiences carefully. While I can probably endure anything, and the experience will end, I will still have to live with whatever me emerges at the end of it.

Uncharted Waters

Life is always changing. I love it for that. And sometimes I hate it for that. As I grow older, and try to grow a little wiser, I try to make sense of where I'm going and where I've been. Of course, where I am is also a good place to look.

I'm working away at school and work. I'd like to finish my MBA. I think it's a good thing to do. And Ben and I are working on building up savings and paying off debts ( my car loan is the big ticket right now).

I still consider myself as being in an adjustment period, despite the fact that I have now lived in Cincinnati and been married for almost 2 years. I think I will always be in an adjustment period, no matter how long I'm married for or where I live.

My independent streak doesn't die easy. There are some things I love about the single life. I lived it for so long. By its very nature, it lends itself to a lot of personal indulgence and even decadence. Married life has its own decadence, but there's no question that you give up some personal freedoms and, for me, a certain amount of irresponsibility that I felt entitled to while single. I'm so much more responsible when married. It's by all measures a good thing, but it's still different. I haven't gotten a speeding ticket married -- good thing. I haven't gone on an unplanned, unfettered or unrestrained shopping spree either -- probably also good but much less fun. I haven't gone missing for an entire Saturday, doing whatever I fancied and telling no one, since married. I will cease and desist in the things I miss about my life as a single girl. Suffice it to say, a few past indulgences are missed.

Now that I have my own family, my place at church has also changed. Before, I was single and I dwelt in a realm of singles at church. Now I am a married. And while I dwell among married people, I also dwell (pretty exclusively) around married's who have children. Ah, yes.... children.

I was in a gospel doctrine class in my home ward in NJ last week and heard a poignant comment made by my old YW President, "we tend to think of ourselves as exceptions to the rule." I could be a little paranoid, but some things I've read in the Ensign and church lesson plans, and things mentioned in conversations I've had with close friends and family, were ringing in my ears when I heard that. Most notably:

"you shouldn't put off having children."
"Don't wait to have children until you think you can afford them".
"You shouldn't put your career before children."

Are you noticing a theme? People haven't necessarily said it just like that, and for the most part my family has been very unjudgmental (at least to my face) about our not having children yet. But advice is advice and the Apostles of the Church tend not to mince words. And in one way or another, It's obvious that I am guilty of all of these things. Up until about 2 years ago, I waited to have kids because I wasn't married. That's a really good reason, in my opinion. And by the time I got married, I had at least a couple of things I wouldn't have had if I'd gotten married earlier (mostly, I think of my car loan and mortgage). So, I tend to think of myself as a little bit of an exception. But I have other friends who were married around my age. And I am hard-pressed not to notice that they have children or/and are pregnant. Their reality is proof -- I COULD go ahead and have a kid. The real crux of the matter -- I don't think I want to yet. And I admit to wanting things to be, "just so" before I have children. I don't know if it's really ok or if it sets me off as going on a path that would be better diverted. But I find myself on this path all the same.

Here I am, 30, married, acquiring my 3rd degree, working full-time and still marveling at, learning from and watching the morphing of this thing called marriage. I have hopes of being a working mom, and of having adorable children to cart off to Primary on Sunday who cling to me for comfort, like I see children do with their parents. It all looks very appealing in my daydreams.

But in the literal, less day-dreamy, version, it is a very binding thing to become a mother. And in consideration of how responsible I've become since I got married, there's only one direction I can go with the gravitas of motherhood. I don't know how much more responsible I can stand to be. I fear I might get lost somewhere along the way. Moms do that. And I really like me, meaty thighs and all... as egotistical as that sounds. As far as I can tell, I'm the best me I've ever had.

And then, even aside from whether I'd be a happy mom, there's the other end of it: would I be a good mom? I know I'd get the kids clothed. I'm pretty sure I'd bathe them regularly, make them brush their teeth and make sure they're fed healthy food and are educated. But those are all task-oriented things. I'm good at check-lists. There is more than check-lists to parenthood.

I have lost a lot of my playfulness in my embracing of adulthood, and, admittedly, I lack understanding for the unreasonable things that children do. I think I will not be the most empathetic or fun mother. I will probably be a party pooper and sometimes stern. I may even be impatient. For some reason, I have an overarching fear that I will be like my grandmother. I feared my grandmother. My most clear recollection of her is having her reprimand me for whispering in the back seat of her car shortly after she had reprimanded me for talking... in the back seat of her car. Ok, so I don't think I'd do that. And I know I can be a fun adult. But I'm not sure I'm much of a fun mom. I suppose I can relinquish funness to Ben. Is it ok for a kid to only have one fun parent?

My past years have brought me many opportunities. For the last 10 years, I was left with the task of being a responsible, independent, self-sufficient, happy adult. I already started to wend my way through this life. I am no blank slate. I take ownership of that path and I have appreciated who it has helped me become. But what about this new job? Admittedly, I'm a little timid and reticent to totally let go of what I know. I'm fumbling and procrastinating the inevitability of my retirement. I'm bracing myself before relinquishing my past career as an unfettered female. I suppose you could fault me for wanting to leave things "just so" before I start on this next journey. But part of me think it's fair that after all those years, I should be able to leave things neatly and finish a few things up. After all, I didn't exactly choose to be single all those years. And that time wasn't a little part of me. Right now, although I know it's temporary, it seems like it's a whole lot of me. I marvel most at how free-wheeling my friends are in letting go of it. I don't know how they do it.

I'd like my life to be moving in a happy direction. And as I walk this path, I hope, above all else, that it is the right direction. It's anybody's guess. I haven't wended this way before and it's nobody else's way but my own. It could be alright. It could be all wrong. But note taken -- I'll try not to take exception to too many rules.

The Staging Area

Ben and I have had some interesting discussions over the last few weeks about what we're doing in Ohio. To buy a house? Not to buy a house? Exactly how deep are our roots here?

I'll spare you the suspense. We've decided we're in no rush to buy a house, so no deep root-growing happening here. We haven't even signed a 6 month lease on the apartment we've been living in for the last year and a half(though I think we might; you know, since we're not buying a house). We miss EVERYBODY and, while Cincy isn't so bad, we are thinking that our future lies elsewhere.

So this begs the question -- how temporary are we? What are we doing while we're here?

As some of you may have been able to decipher from my previous post, I have started an MBA Program. I have faint hopes of being able to finish this endeavor early, but it's supposed to take about two years.

I have very mixed emotions about this whole going back to school thing. Mostly one emotion pervades: I hate going to school. Clearly I'm a masochist. I not only work at a school, but I keep going BACK to school for my own education, OVER and OVER again.

But I have this insatiable need to be productive with my time. No, not THAT KIND of productive. Stick with me people! Why am I going back this time? An MBA is a great asset for future career opportunities, so if I can get one, and I can get it free with a little sweat and tears from yours truly, well --- it only seems logical.

NOT TO MENTION, what else is there for me to do in Ohio? No really. I'm not kidding. Well, I'm sure some of you could figure out how to spend your time productively in ways that don't involve school. But, for starters, I'm really not quite ready for kids(I'm selective about the kinds of productivity I'm into, apparently). I can't update a house because I don't have one. I can't hang out with all of you. And it seems like this MBA thing may be a "for a limited time only" kind of offer, considering my rootless presence here and it's only free while I work at my current job. And that it's easier to go to school BEFORE you have children as opposed to after. See what I'm sayin'?

Summarily, I know it's good for me, my career and our family's financial future and it appears time is of the essence if I want to do it. Do I relish it? In fleeting moments, sure. I do like learning things. But the rest of the time I roll my eyes and say, "School again. Ugh." I do that a lot, actually. (Sigh)

We could just pick up and go; leave the Cincinnati life behind us. But all things considered, we think it's best for us to sit tight for a bit. We want to make a smart jump, not just any jump.

So if not now, then when? We're not sure exactly when. 2 years. 3 years. Maybe more. Maybe less. But said jumping will likely happen as soon as possible, taking all things prudent into consideration.

And to where? We don't know that either. It's years away people!! The good news about the wait? I have time to persuade Ben that London is a great place to raise a family. :)

There's a negative to coming to this conclusion so early in our Cincinnati existence. It makes the next leg of living here seem long. Really long. We are talking about undetermined years and months of just waiting to move on. Harsh.

You can feel my yearning. I know you can. And you recognize it. That's because it is the yearning of students everywhere. :) I'll try my best to live and love my Cincinnati present. Living it up while working full-time and going to school is definitely going to be a challenge, but somebody has to do it and apparently that somebody is me.

It feels a bit like we're in a staging area; like we're building a set for a play that is to come -- the play that is my future happiness -- without school and after Cincinnati. The play's really the main event, isn't it? That's what everybody's waiting for. The staging is necessary, but incredibly less fun, and the costumes are nowhere near as glamorous.

All of this being said, I have a request. Should I find it wise, after having finished the MBA here, to go back to school once more, would you PLEASE commit me. I can officially be considered mentally unsound at that point and not capable of looking out for my own best interests. That is all I ask. Thank you.

Getting To That Point

I was filling out one of those questionnaires the other day. You know the ones. You answer a bunch of questions and then send it to all your friends so they can get to know you better and see how funny you are. And then they do it back to you and you can, in turn, laugh about how funny and witty they are and marvel at your differences and similarities and revel in the nuances various quirks that make us all the individuals we are.

Well, one of the questions caused me to pause. It asked: Are you where you want to be in life? The question didn't seem very difficult at first. I did a quick emotional once-over and decided that, overall, I was a content person. I promptly posted my answer in the affirmative. But then I got to thinking... do I even know where I expect me to be in life? I don't think I do. And where exactly am I headed? Well, I don't think I know that either. And I suddenly wondered if I suffer from a gross lack of expectation. Me! Of all people! I set goals for myself on a bi-annual basis. You'd THINK I'd know where I am and am going. But really, I don't think I do. And I'm not sure what I think about that.

You see, I don't know that I expected myself to be married by now. It just so happens I am. I don't know if I expected myself to have children. It just so happens I don't. I don't know how much schooling I thought I'd have. I happen to think right now I have enough. I don't know if I expected to own real estate now. It just so happens it seemed like a good idea a few years ago. And I don't know if I expected to own a dog by now. It just doesn't seem like a good time yet. And suddenly I realize I made it very easy for me to be content with where I am. I never really wanted to be anywhere in particular. How could I disappoint myself?

Now, I've also thought about my life choices a lot lately. I never decided I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a researcher or some other specific field that would take a lot of schooling but would be very profitable. I could have done so, maybe. But I never set the goal. And I had toyed with going to the Peace Corps. I didn't do it though. There were a lot of choices I didn't make that I think I could have and the choice may have been, well, not necessarily right or wrong, but just a choice that would have landed me somewhere very different. Or not.

It may be that I didn't want to make a choice and wanted to keep my options open. But where I am now is SOMEWHERE and I did inevitably make choices that led me to exactly this point. And here I am. Where? Well, I'm not sure. Thankfully, I'm content. Would I have been content had I made other choices? Maybe. Maybe not.

But what a convoluted way to get somewhere? I suddenly feel so directionless. Where do I expect to be in 5 years? I still don't know that. I need some life milestone markers on a sheet of paper marking the years of my life and then I'll post the milestones on the applicable years where I think I'll have gotten them accomplished by. And then I'll know whether or not I'm where I wanted to be. But I don't know what the milestones are. Heaven help me! I'm taking a test and I don't know any of the answers! And it's my LIFE, people!

I just feel so goally inadequate with that question. It EATS me. Suddenly just the pursuit of being happy seems so unaccomplished. So undefined. I need markers, dangit! I want some cold hard evidence that I actually am somewhere, that that somewhere is where I'd planned to be and a way of defining where that is. I need a measuring stick! Something!

And yet, I am pretty happy. Eh. On second thoughts, I'm just gonna keep with my current modus operandi and pick my goals willy nilly as I please. I'll get over the ambiguity of my uncertain future. Apparently it hasn't bothered me too much in the past, being I hadn't noticed before now. I guess my haphazard life suits me. How 'bout yours?

'Tis WHAT Season?

Many years ago, when I was a struggling awkward teen, I was also melo-dramatic, riddled with black and white, defeatist thinking and sitting through life, waiting for good things to happen to me. Of course, very few really did. It took many years of trial and error to figure out how to be the instigator of my own good things. I started exercising and eating well (this was a process akin to evolution, and it takes just as long. Talk to me in a few millenia and I may have truly evolved by then.) I became actively engaged in my education and started getting involved in things of interest to me. Suddenly, life was mine for the taking. Opportunities abounded. I became I doer and one who controlled my own destiny. I could get whatever I went after if I had the ability to achieve. Or so I thought.

Nowadays, I'm not too sure how much control I have. I definitely have a hand in things. But control? Hah! For example, take my weight (I apparently like to talk about my weight). True, I weigh less than I did in high school, now that I have regular exercise, a higher muscle mass and eat a more balanced, regular diet. Within certain limits, however, my weight fluctuates of its own accord. For the past six months I have fretted over five pounds. As far as I can tell, I haven't been eating all that differently than I usually do. Nor have I been exercising that much more. But I've been THINKING about it a lot more. I have been anxious and scrutinizing about exercise and eating. When I found those five pounds, or when they found me(as I suspect they did) I MADE SURE I did not overeat and MADE SURE to exercise -- as opposed to when I normally I just do it without thinking. Despite this mentally deliberate behavior, the five pounds rested defiantly on my frame, unbudged.

Now we segue into late summer/early fall. My habits remain the same, with perhaps a few less cold smoothies for lunch. But I still eat ice cream for dinner on occasion. I exercise, but my ankle hurts so I've been resting a bit. I gave up on the five pounds and, instead, bought jeans that fit.

And now? It appears the pounds are shedding themselves from me. That's right.I predict that soon, those fabulous new jeans I just bought will be a fixture in my dresser, waiting to reappear on the occasion those five pounds decide to visit again. I really can't take any credit for this weight fluctuation. I have changed nothing. To be honest, I don't think I have enough discipline to change much if I tried. By now, I think the pounds just come and go as they please. And I must say, it provides little incentive to ever enlist the help of a trainer or a nutritionist. Instead I feel like I should surrender to the master of my hormones, or fate, or the winds that blow, one of which MUST be the cause of all this.

It seems that way with the rest of my life too. Seasons when I need lots of sleep, seasons when I run around all day, seasons when I have lots of obligations, seasons when I can't stand to have any. Seasons when I keep in touch and make plans with everyone and seasons when I seem to lose touch with the world. These are all kinds of seasons I seem to have little control over. They just happen to me. I couldn't get myself to do anything else in a given season than what I seem to do. My only hope is that, as I pass from one season to another, I remain enough of a constant as to not alienate everyone and everything I pass to and from.

Right now is a season of many changes. I am considering career moves. Maybe a new job. Maybe a law degree. Who knows? My living situation is changing (no, I'm not moving. But everyone around me is.) My focus at work is more zealous and on-task. I can't seem to stop working (what a lucky employer I have.) I'm cleaning more often.

It's like an awakening. I didn't know I was asleep before. And why this awakening? I can tell you for one thing, it's NOT A conscious effort on my part.I barely know what hit me! Why me? Why now? Why not six months ago or in a year and a half? My brain is abuzz with ideas. I want to paint my room. I want to study for the LSAT. I want to change careers. I want to be in a play. I want to travel. I want to do my hair and get fresh makeup and a fresh new look to match. I have a vision, and by golly-gee it must be realized! At least some of it. My vision is so pretty, it would be such a waste to have it not be. Especially those new shoes I've been dreaming about. Pretty vision, indeed.

I graced this awakening with a spring cleaning this past weekend. Yes, I know it's fall. What can I say? I'm a late bloomer. My car was cleaned inside and out. And I organized and filed all my papers -- that's the sign of true cleaning effort for me. I never touch papers until "it's time". I think I needed an organized clean space for me to create, dream, do and realize -- apparently a must-have in a season of change. I even bought new towels and hot pads for my kitchen! I haven't done that since I moved in three years ago. That's a definite sign. A sign of what? I'm not sure, really.

Things are shifting, and so I shift too. And I have all these ideas and so many dreams. I wake up each day and make a plan, and start to "make things happen", thinking I might be moving towards my goal. Like an artist, taking various colors and objects and making a masterpiece, only I'm working with my life and not a fabric canvas. I try to create the picture I want and go for whatever it is I think I'm after.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I bother. Despite where I will the winds to take me, I am certain they will take me wherever they darn well please. So much for control. But I DO get to choose what I wear every day. I'm certain of that. Thus, I think God put me in charge of wardrobe.... and that's about it. Let's hope this piece of work includes a female who looks very well put-together, whether she be plus or minus 5 lbs.

I Live At Home

These days, if you're single and on the dating market, the words "I live at home with my parents" will stop many motivated potential mates dead in their tracks. Especially if you're a man. The idea of most men living at home with their parents says to prospective female companions, " I never grew up, mom still does my laundry and pays my phone bill, and I will probably pick her dinner over yours." These messages, among others that come to mind, are a big DO NOT BOTHER sign for many women. This is especially true when it's an older male who is of an age when he should have been able to graduate from college, and/or start a career and most definitely find life outside of video games. There is a certain point in men's lives when they should want to acquire their own space. Then they would subsequently have the independence and privacy which comes along with it. Even more so, you'd think they would like to be able to make out on the couch without worrying about getting caught. Am I right?

Such a double standard. Since I started graduate school, I moved back in with my parents. Going back to school is a fair reason to move back in, right? I thought it sounded pretty good. But here I am a year after graduation and I still "live at home with my parents." I'm 27 years old. And it's not because I can't afford to move out. I got my golden job opportunity after graduation. I make enough to live on my own. But then, are all ALWP's (Adults Living With Parents) equal offenders?

I often think my situation is very different from the middle-aged males still living with their folks. First of all, living with my parents still affords me an entire floor of the house and, therefore, much privacy. I take that back. First of all, I'm not a man. I'm a woman. There's a difference there. Secondly, what I said before. Also, I pay my own bills and do my own laundry and have a career. I am anything but a homebody. I've already lived away from home for over 5 years. And the folks are very unimposing and easy-going.

Really, it seems like an optimal situation for saving money on rent. Any of these living situation factors being less desirable would likely change my opinion and I would probably move out. I may not have even moved in in the first place. Were any of my personal attributes different, I would think I should be circumspect for being overly dependent and lacking the mojo and backbone to grow up. But I seem pretty healthy (not that I'm biased or anything.).

Speaking with a coworker from Latin America gave me even more fervor in my smart choice to live at home. The idea of having her children find their own place were they in my situation, coming from her Latin American background, isn't a symbol of independence. It's nonsense. Why would you live away from your family if you weren't married? It's a waste. And so far away.

Ahh! How liberating. Not only will I save on rent. But I shall cast off silly American consumer-minded, overly entitled, ideals that make no sense. How cool. It's clearly the best thing to do until I have reason to leave. I am nothing like those slackers who haven't grown up yet and can't take on the responsibility of providing for themselves. I'm independent. Yo.

Or am I? Truth be told, I don't know if I see myself as much different from "them" (I find it fascinating that it is so fun and easy to condemn a group, simply by labeling them as "them"). Even with my excellent situation, I still see negatives to living at home:

Negative #1: My parents are not incredibly overbearing, but they do have their opinions. And every now and again, when I finally get home, my mother will find her way up the stairs and give me the two cents she's been holding onto all week about whatever she thinks about the current status of myself and my beau, or her concern for how I work too much or don't get to church often enough or.... hmmm... so maybe her two cents' are actually the equivalent of a few dollars.

Negative #2: There is a joy in having your own space to decorate, to move into all the way, to roam and make noise as you see fit, which is less doable when you live in someone else's house. I do not decorate. It's not my house to decorate (though I'm not sure I'm much of a decorator anyway. But maybe I am. Who knows.) I also do not expand into other rooms. Everything that is mine is crammed into my bedroom. If I lived in my own place, many things would move to a living room area or an office or something like that. And I would be less cramped and perhaps more organized. And I would not have piano lessons going on in the living room when I would like to read in peaceful quiet, or to cause a raucous with workout music in that very room.

Negative #3: I do like to respect my parents and their wishes. Really, I do. I'm a sucker for being obedient AND a peacemaker -- doublewhammy.It is likely, however, if they were less privy to the details of my life, they would less frequently voice their wishes. And I would be unable to go against wishes I did not know about. And without all their wishes and advice floating around in my head, I imagine my decisions and persuasions would be slightly different and I would be....... more independent. Oh my. Hmm. Wait a minute? I'm not totally independent?

Even if I am mostly independent, I am still dependent. And I don't think it's that healthy interdependent stuff that therapists talk about as a good thing. I may have a healthy amount of social circles to run around in. I may rarely be home because I'm busy living my life. I may pay for all of my own expenses and never borrow from my parents. I may be, by nature, very mentally independent and capable of making my own choices. I may be responsible and able to manage my life. But there is an element of dependence that is virtually unavoidable if a child, now a grown adult, still lives at home. You can't get around it. At least I haven't figured out how.

And then, of course, there are the obvious dependencies. Benefits of the food they feed me (I've never cooked for myself, even when I lived away from home. I was very good at 5 minute meals, microwaving, and eating meals of questionable contents and portion sizes. This does not bode well with parents.). And they bought me a microwave and a blender because they noticed I didn't have one (which they probably wouldn't have noticed if they did not see my kitchen.) Mmmhmm. You see as well as I do, I'm quickly starting to rack up quite a bill. Taking into account all the in-kind donations, suddenly somebody is not looking very independent. That somebody would be me.

Yes, I can move out. Moving out only comes with a more expensive price tag. But, as a self-sufficient adult who can manage a budget just fine and has provided for herself for years, it's clearly not just the money that keeps me at home. Not to say money isn't a factor. Admittedly, I do value money and don't like to waste it. If living in my own place were a free thing, there is no question I would do that. In fact, saving money is, in whole, why I live at home. But, while it is the great advantage, it is not the only consideration. Perhaps the reasons for moving out and being independent should way heavier than I have accounted for thus far in my lists of pros and cons. The question is: how detrimental is it for ALWP's to live at home? Even in a best case scenario? Whenever possible, should ALWP's just suck it up and move out?

Do you choose your life or.....??

So today I about lost it. Ok, I really lost it. Why you ask? Well, completely selfish, impatient, and spoiled reasons, but nonetheless, oh so valid to me.

I have been at a large branch of life, only to find myself a bit lost and bewildered as to what opportunities and avenues to pursue. The other day, it led me to utter frustration, anger, and disappointment. Ever since I was a "little kid," I have had stuck in my head, and sincerely believed that I was here to accomplish something. What that something is, I don't know, but as most individuals, I feel compelled to try.

The reason is, and it relates to a discussion I had with my sister recently, is I have sort of led life in doing what I thought I was supposed to do, gone where I was supposed to go. And it seems that regardless of what I have wanted, there was one door, and that door was where I was going, not because it was my first choice, but because it was the option left for me. Looking back, most of those options really have been beneficial, but nonetheless, doesn't change the major question. Do we choose the life we lead, or just bring it in to line with what we are "supposed" to do?

Naturally , a statement like that brings in assumptions that I have, in that I believe that there is a divine nature, which is overseen by a supreme being, who I, in common vernacular, refer to as "God". Obviously, there is an inherent discussion in the existence of God, and God's attributes, but that is not the essence or intent of this post. Perhaps, at another time, I will pose the discussion of "is there a God, and what are God's attributes", but this post assumes those things.

I think of my life, and I will admit, have really had amazing experiences, but to get to those experiences, have often felt like I am walking in the dark. In other words, that although I pursue various avenues or opportunities, I have rarely had an opportunity in front of me that I didn't feel I should take, i.e. the opportunity presented was the opportunity I should choose. That begs the question then, is life an open breadth full of choices, or a narrow hallway with nothing but "Exit" signs on the sides.

Yes, I fully understand that I could choose to completley alter my life and make drastically different personal decisions. And perhaps that is my problem, I have tunnel vision. I think sometimes those of us who feel very driven, are so because we become extremely fixated on whatever, and that may be one of my flaws. I don't know. But nonetheless, I often feel that the idea behind life is not to choose life, but to bring your life in alignment with what God wants you to do. And that isn't saying that you wouldn't be happy with those decisions, just a motiviation side of things.

Thoughts?