A Delightful Evening

Some things are really small but are cause for much delight.

Last night I spent an evening catching up on my book club reading. This month we'd chosen to read The Bronze Bow. As I read the first chapter, I quickly became aware the book was not what I expected it to be. It was totally different material from what we usually read. And, of course, last month we read The Book Thief, by Marcus Zusak-- one of the best books I've read in years. Simply amazing, beautiful and beautifully written. So with that history, any book following that act is bound to disappoint, right? Well, wouldn't you know it, as I realized the preface of this book, I was disappointed. The book was set in the time of Christ. Any book that is fiction that is also talking about Christ always throws me off. I'm overloaded with a watchful, anxiouys eye-out for weird theology the author may be trying to creep into the story (It may be paranoia, but I can't help it and I find it exhausting).

Anyhow, despite my anxiety over the type of story and it's setting and a couple of the characters, I really couldn't help but like the overall story and the main character. So, read, read, read. I was reading for so long I felt like I was getting bed sores.

It was almost 10pm. Then Male called. He had been watching the basketball game at a friend's house. We chatted briefly. And then -- "So, do you want me to stop by?" "Yes, that would be great. Are you almost here?" "Yep." "Ok, See you in a few." Moments later, Male is here. We chat for several minutes, talking about my ridiculously expensive car insurance (I can't help it. I don't even KNOW I'm speeding, and it's hard to stop doing something when you don't know you're doing it.)And then arguments about eye color. Male's are blue, but they have some goldish yellow in the middle. He classifies them as "hazel" on his driver's license. And for the record, my eyes are hazel. Not brown. Hazel. They've got some green in the middle (I've always wanted green eyes, so I really treasure the bit of it that I have and get disappointed whenever people fail to notice it). And then, Male left.

I went back to my book, which I was still warming up to, with a big grin on my face and a flutter in my chest. I read till about 12:30, at which point I had finished the book and knew I should have stopped reading and gone to sleep an hour earlier. But who can fall asleep when they are moments away from the end of the story? Not I.

Most of the hours of that evening-- not remarkable at all. And suddenly just a few minutes made them all delightful. Moments like that remind me of why relationships are wonderful. Sometimes I'm terribly dull and I can't always feel that excitement. But then sometimes, like last night, I do feel it. What a lovely way to spend an evening.

Shattered

I was talking with my sister the other day. She is droning through her last few days (we hope) of pregnancy waiting for her new little boy. She already has 4 boys and a girl. They are all adorable. But, clearly, the little female is a minority. I asked my sister if she was happy to be having another boy.

For the record, she's delighted to be having a boy. Slightly detouring from that point, my sister expounded on how she thinks Clara, her daughter, will respond to the baby. We talked a bit about how she is now, with being the only girl. Clara is delightful, cute, a total ham,... Clara is many things. She can be rough and tumble and hold her own amongst her brothers. And she's definitely a girl. She insists on wearing more pink than any three year old I've ever met before. And she doesn't get it from her mother -- her mother hates pink. It's also been determined that she likes being the only girl. And She LOVES my sister. My sister is both mother and, more significantly, the only other girl in the house. Along with this hard to come by quality, however, comes certain consequences. My sister says she notices when Clara gets reprimanded for something, it shatters her completely. And I can imagine why. It is very traumatic to have your one, truly most significant and only constant female friend in the world be upset with you.

I had to smile a bit as we talked about this aspect of Clara, as I think she and I may have this in common. Poor girl. Hopefully she can grow out of it. I don't know that I can.

It's a hard thing when one has to come to terms with oneself. Sometimes my emotions get so big, they start to not fit inside and then start to leak out so that I have no choice but to admit that I have them. Very unfortunate, as I find it's so convenient to just ignore them most of the time. But when they make themselves so darn obvious, ignoring is nigh unto impossible! What's a girl to do?

Well, cry, of course.

My new personal realization: compliments are important to me. Previously, when considering the 5 languages of love, that one was always one of the lower-ranking priorities. I'd almost opted to drop it off the list completely at one point, but then thought better of it and figured all of the languages are probably beneficial to some degree. Due to recent events, it has been determined that compliments should be moved up to a higher status.

Lately, I find myself being in the lot of what I'd like to call "noncompliments." Things like: I'll not like you if you ever cut your hair short, you eat weird food, I disapprove of you when you cook with alcohol, you don't clap enough in performances, when you dress up you make me look bad, you don't vacuum enough, I can't believe you'd DARE to put your hand down the garbage disposal, you're not careful, your outfit is terrible..

I could go on, but it'll just make me sad if I do. I think Male and I have gotten to a place where he is very comfortable. So comfortable, in fact, that he has forgotten to pay attention to the fact that most of what comes out of his mouth is everything he doesn't like about me. They're probably things he was also too polite to say previously. I assume he likes me. And I think he forgets to express this because he probably assumes that I know.

Well, I do know. Despite this, I have been shattered for an entire two weeks, dizzy with all the noncompliments that are swimming around in my head. My one big friend in the world is upset with me. Often. It's some cause for concern that I have so much in common with a three year old.

An Unexpected Twist

I'm back. I survived the family reunion. That's quite a feat, considering I was mobbed by twenty children for an entire week. No small feat considering I was also mobbed by 5 much bigger children, also known as my older brothers. For all young children hoping the tides will change, let me inform you: your male siblings will still think that dead-legs, throwing you in the pool, pushing you, sitting on you and giving you wet willies is a good idea, be he 5, 15, or 47 yrs. old. I'm reminded of the hymn "If You Could Hie to Kolob". "There is no end to matter, there is no end to space, there is no end spirit, there is no end to male immaturity."
Isn't that how it goes?

On Thursday evening, Male was expected to join the party scene. I had been quietly waiting and anticipating (I think that's part of a song too, but I can't remember which one), looking forward to having a familiar friend amongst all the slightly less familiar family. Male had a rough day on Thursday, however, and was unable to make it down that night. Plan B was for him to drive down Friday morning instead.

Friday morning came and went. So did Friday afternoon. Neither was graced with a phone call from Male. There was no sighting of him. By evening time I was quite distraught, as I had been waiting for him. Clearly my gobs and gobs of family had been as well, as they would ask me where he was and when he was coming approximately every 15 minutes. They did this from 10am til' around 4pm, which is coincidentally the hour I smashed cake and icing into someone's hair and told them my next measure would be to kill them if they said a word about him to me. Their onslaught of incessant inquisitiveness in regards to his whereabouts was like a verbal stoning for me.

He had, it seemed, stood me up. And not only that, but he had stood up my entire family. He had also stood me up in front of my family. I couldn't figure out which felt worse. I didn't know what to think. Why had he not come for me? He doesn't care that much? Suddenly my white steeded knight had opted to stay home. That's never a good thing. Knights aren't supposed to do that.

Male finally called and left a message around 5pm. His car had not been working well, and after an hour of driving he was forced to accept he wasn't going to make it to St. George. However, this message at 5pm was left an hour into his drive, which meant he had not even left for St. George until well into the afternoon. He may have had a good reason for not coming, but he hadn't come when he said he would. Nor had he called. I was hurt. Then I was mad. Then I was lost for what to do next.

Male and I talked about it. He had simply let the morning run away from him. He hadn't thought to call earlier. He could have avoided it. But he hadn't meant to do it. He really just didn't think. And he's sorry. Really? You... how? I don't understand.

I filled the next couple days with as much as possible. I went from movies to shopping to reading to work and any other distraction I could find until I had run around to the point of exhaustion, just so I could sleep. I needed to stay busy to function or risk getting lost in thought and becoming dysfunctional over my quandary with Male. Male had done this before -- probably four or five times in the last year. And it was a behavior I couldn't tolerate. He hadn't done it maliciously. He hadn't meant to hurt me. But it hurt, all the same, every time. And for something that seemed so easily avoidable, I couldn't find good reason to allow it. My only logical solution was it was over. How could I let him keep doing this over and over again? I couldn't. That was it.


I'll be honest. I was a little relieved. The freedom of being completely unattached is a lovely feeling. It's kind of exciting. But then I knew there would be pain. My urges to call him were almost uncontrollable. And I'd be a bit lonely. The most irksome and disconcerting symptom was when I looked to the future. I realized somehow Male had worked himself in as a consideration in all of my plans. So each time I ran across a plan that included Male I had to remind myself that he wasn't going to be in the picture and then had to readjust it. But he was everywhere. It was going to take a lot of replanning and erasing to get rid of him.

I wasn't so sure about this, even without a solution for stopping him from being so inconsiderate. This was really it? Really? Yup. Clearly he's not going to stop. If he was, he would have stopped after the 1st time he did it. We're on to several repeated offenses. That provides little hope. Nope. Breaking up is the only option. Huh. Okay. Really? Are you sure?

I ask around. "Is it okay to break up with your boyfriend because he's stupid?" Responses: "He did WHAT?!?!" " Think of the position that put you in." "You put up with an awful lot." It seemed, suddenly the masses were on my side -- a rare occurence. The masses aren't supposed to be on my side.

I think more. I call another couple of close friends. It's true. This is bad. Male shouldn't have. He shouldn't ever. But all men have problems like that. And if that's his one big flaw.... well, it could be worse. I mean, he cares, he doesn't touch pornography, and he cleaned your fridge while you were away. That has to say something for the boy. Hmmmmm..... Does it say enough? I had to think.

Could I get over it? Yes. But I can't have it happen all the time. I'm not ok with that. And I get tired of trusting him and then being let down over and over. That's not good for a girl's heart. Or her confidence. But I couldn't fix it with a threat either. "If you ever do this again, I will...." That's a terrible approach. I was either walking now or I had to accept the consequences of not. Future offenses could only be my own fault for staying. I knew what I was dealing with. So, what to do....

I found the answer in sacrifice, or more specifically, HIS sacrifice. And in dancing. Male must make a sacrifice when he does this. Every time he does this. This is in hopes that the sacrifice will be significant enough to remind him NOT to stand me up in the future. It's also for me to show me that he does care and is making an effort, even if he has lapses of stupidity. His sacrifice this time: Male will learn to dance with me.

Hehehe. I'm brilliant. Really, I am. It's fabulous. We tested out a couple of steps last night. Good news! He had rhythm. Who knew? This gives me hope. And despite my trying to maintain composure all the while, I couldn't hold down the corners of my mouth. I almost busted out in a fit of laughter. Male dancing! I thought it would be impossible. Apparently not. It just takes a world full of remorse. I don't know whether to be sad or glad he stood me up. Of course, we'll see if I'm saying that the next time this happens. Ah me. Life is not perfect. Neither are males. But for now, I'll keep this one.

Communicating with the opposite sex

Communication with the opposite sex is probably the most over written, understudied, lack of thought and teaching applied subject in the existence of the written language. And yet, it still irks, me, still drives me crazy, and yet I still come back for more later.

It is clear that girls and boys communicate differently, but do they? I often wonder if it is more that people desire different things, but they don't necessarily communicate what they really want, or may not know what they really want.

I have often thought, and I think it appears more and more to be true, that women have no clue what they want. Life is like a big bowl of cherries, and they want them all until they have stomach cramps and have to run to the bathroom. And then, a few weeks down the road, they decide they don't want cherries at all.

In the last several months/years/decades, I have had my fair share of time withe women, girls, and people of the opposite sex. One thing I have noticed is the difference is not that they communicate differently, but that they communicate at all. We all know that when a woman or man for that matter, really wants something, they make sure that they communicate it, or they get it themselves. I have never had a girlfriend who thought something was really important and did not voice it in a way that she knew I was definitely going to understand.

But all of the sudden, you get in a relationship, and you are supposed to be telekinetic. Next thing you know, I am getting brain waves about what that person wants/needs/desires. Hello, it doesn't work that way. If you want something say it.

But what seems all to common, is that a girl doesn't know what she wants, and loves it when she gets what she wants, and is upset when you guess and you get it wrong, because you don't hit that magic button even though she couldn't tell you what that magic button is, and may be only able to tell you what that magic button isn't.

Truth be told, this can probably apply to both sexes, but I more often than not come across it with girls, and all too often with girls I date.

So, communication, it isn't that the sexes communicate differently, it is more that when a guy wants something, he usually just says it, and if it wasn't worth saying, than it wasn't worth having. If a girl wants something, she jumps up and down, does a few cart wheels, and hopes that you recognized that she just requested dinner at some lovely restaurant in the mountains with an apricot souffle for dessert. No souffle, no happy!

The Weekly Word: "Sooner"

So, in my dating extravanganza, (It really isn't so extravagant, and there is definitely no ganza going on) I have come across the all too often situation of trying to figure out when to plan date number 2,3,4,5, etc. Although when you are a student and life is fairly up to your own making, once you hit the professional world, things are not the same. There is a schedule which you have to adhere to, and then there is the all too often pop ups, which you didn't plan on, and as a religious individual, we have the all so fun regular and sometimes unexpected church duties, meetings and obligations.

So, you are left to finding two individuals that have competing schedules, trying to navigate the all to common waters of....do I like you? Which leads to the question of, well, when do I see you next? And the common response I have often after a date is "Sooner rather than later"

So what does that mean? Well, I guess we could start out that Sooner is not later. Later being a longer time than sooner, yet both being undefined and left to interpretation.

If you were in law, you would rely on one of those funny things called precedent. Precedent is when you have a series of actions or judgments of the same terminology or situation, and how they were treated previously.

So that makes it interesting, I look at how we have scheduled "outings" or dates before. It seems that there might be a toughie. We have scheduled things eh, more likely later rather than sooner. Sometimes it is over a year between our dates, but recently it has been roughly a month or more between dates.

So, in that situation, sooner rather than later could mean a month in between is sooner, and a year in between is later. Wow, that is a long time, and despite precedent that doesn't seem conducive to the event scheduled.

Which leads us to then a common mans understanding of what sooner rather than later means. My suggestion would lead me to believe that sooner means less than a month, but more than a week. Somewhere in between that time of I want to see you again to the point of spending every waking minute, and the, we'll see each other whenever we have the urge or feel like it. There is more of an urgency in sooner than the lackadaisical approach of whenever I get a free moment, but actually looking for a free moment.

So, that leads me to the one and a half and 3 week timeframe. I doubt that unless I was the president or that busy, as in the book "He just isn't that into you," (which all individuals should read), a month in between dates is not sooner. We are not so busy that we couldn't find time within a month to schedule something.

The one and a half to three week timeframe leaves enough space to accomplish whatever it is that you have eating at you to get done, yet schedule one evening where you can plan on meeting up. Obviously it is more difficult in bringing to persons busy schedules together, but it isn't that hard. If nothing else, in that time frame the planning should have at least begun. Or at a minimal contact made.

So, what am I to glean from this sooner rather than later exchange? My assumption is that either my definition of sooner is very different from hers, or "She just isn't that into me!"

A big Word: "Love"

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking about his wonderful word, as have many people, and I wanted to have a conversation about it with my dear sweet co-blogger before I posted this, but alas, my co-blogger runs to the ends of the earth to be busier and better than I. For I am forlorn and lost, a loser without a place, destined to be drifting in the whirlwinds of an endless emotionless torment, undefined by passion, language, or speech.

So, anyways, because there are so many different forms and kinds of love, and all that broad vagueness associated with feeling emotion, and the unquantifiable X factor, I will try to limit this post to "Love" in the context of pursuing a romantic relationship.

And in that context, I do not ask when is it appropriate to use it, but what does it mean?

about.com states it as "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

I guess the part that I usually get hung up on is, and this is where I might diverge from a lot of people. While I agree that love is a strong emotional response, a bigger question is, what does that mean. I often think of love as, at a minimum, a desire for commitment. Not a representation of commitment, but a desire to be committed to that person, however you define commitment. (Please remember this is only in the context of pursuing a romantic interest.)

The reason I say that is because, without the commitment portion, I don't think there is really a big difference between love and like. A degree of emotion could be the only difference, but what does a deeper sense of emotion mean if not a desire to be committed. Now, I am not going to say that commitment means marriage, or even exclusive dating, although, culturally I would argue that it is very relevant for marriage, and my gut instinct is it is relevant in exclusive dating, and that using the ol' L word is brash and unscrupulous before at a minimum exclusive dating. Granted circumstances do arise where you were dating, and are still in love with someone, and then you are in other circumstances, yada yada.

But my gut instinct is you have to have gotten there at some point in the timeline.

Anyways, so what is love? Is it just emotion? Is it commitment? Just a desire? Is it crazy? (Well, we all know the answer to that!)

The weekly word: "Probably"

After a recent conversation with my dear sweet co-blogger, the thought occurred to me that it would be great to have a weekly "word" post. Take a word that is generally used, but sometimes can lead to confusion. Which brings us to todays word "Probably".

What does probably mean? What happens when a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/sibling/etc. tells you that they will probably meet you somewhere? What is required protocol for using "probably" in an arrangement to make plans.

Well, let's get some easy ground concepts down first. Primarily, probably means that further conversation is needed. Whether or not you will "probably" do something, it isn't definite, but can be anticipated and planned on, and at the very least, some sort of communication confirming or canceling the plans should take place.

If you are "probably" going to a movie, then you are definitely going to talk/discuss when, where, etc. I would argue that both people can count on the activity happening with the caveat that there is allowance for cancellation without annoyance disappointment, or other unkindly feelings.

What probably is not is a "maybe." Although I won't get into what a "maybe" means, probably is more on the likelihood of a 75% chance or more of occurring. Depending on the person, it could even be as high as 85%. It isn't as high as a "most likely" or a "definitely", but has far more dependence than a "maybe".

A probably can be put in the day planner in ink, with allowance for cross-out. It doesn't need pencil so either you or the other can cancel. And if you don't cancel a "probably", it is as good as not canceling a "definitely". After all, someone is still counting and planning on something, and unless they hear otherwise, YOU'RE RUDE!

So, please use PROBABLY appropriately in your future conversations and life.

Can you date out of obedience, or is it delusion?

So, my lovely sister has committed to atrocity of all atrocities and gotten me addicted to the inevitable show called "Sex and the City." I was watching it the other night, and although not so drastically caught up in the hyperbole of fake life filled with loose if not tenious meetings they like to call relationships, oddly realistic plights, thoughts and provocations usually encountered by individuals involved in relationships much longer than the show projects, and with much more devastating results than those profferred.

Yet, nonetheless, I am intrigued. I watch ritualistically like a ravenous beast eyeing its next feast. And why? Because even though I don't participate in 99% of the relationship activities presented in the show, I pose similar questions to myself, and as such, the question for today.

Can you date out of obedience, or is it delusion?

I pose this question because I often find myself in relationships, (my friends call me a serial "dater") that, well, sometimes I feel I am in them not for myself, but because I feel I am "supposed" to be in them. So, my question is, if you feel some inner drive, ambition, etc., that pushes you to date, or at least stay in a relationship with, a particular individual, that is other than attraction, desire to be with that person, or other seemingly "normative" reason for being in a relationship.

Sometimes I think this is simpy because I am a guy that follows always what he feels he is supposed to do, mostly because I don't trust logic in regards to relationships very often, and other times because it seems that relationships are so much a time and a space for growth and personal development.

If you truly are in to someone, most likely that individual is pushing you in ways that you wouldn't puch yourself. Hopefully exposing you to things that you normally wouldn't search out and explore on your own. Everything from the simple new flavors of ice cream and new types of food, to pushing and exploring personal and emotional barriers. (Hopefully in a helpful, uplifting, and personally strengthening way.)

But, can you date someone, and do dating justice, just by being in the relationship because you feel that you are supposed to be there? Do you miss out on all that yummy relationship goodness because you aren't even considering the notion of making a life with that person?

I have done it, or feel that I have done it, but was it right? was it progressive? Am I somewhere now that I could not have been save I made those previous decisions? Or if not me, is that person somewhere they are now, simply because of hopefully some good that came out of the obedient dating?

For now, I tend to think that you can date out of obedience, mostly because I trust that which I obey. But in the end, it all could be a self delusion leading to nothing more than a self praising denial of insecurity.