Home Sweet Home

I always knew I didn't feel like our apartment was home. It's nice enough. I like the two bathrooms. And the kitchen's not so bad. But I'm just not at home there. It's a little too small, Ben has no place to garden, I'm a 1/2 hour away from any viable shopping center... and the list goes on.

I have had visions of hope for moving. I first thought Ben and I might buy a home here. But then we decided that we shouldn't. Even if we're here for 2 more years, it just doesn't make enough monetary sense to us at this point. And then, for a brief couple days I thought maybe we'd move from Ohio altogether. Nope. We're here. Probably for a couple more years.

Are you seriously telling me I have to stay couped up in this little apartment for two more years!?!? Of course I don't! So, I'm lobbying for a move. Ben's a sucker for a lawn. And double bonus (in the only way this could possibly be seen as a bonus) -- we have another mouse. GROSS! And who wants to stay in a mousy apartment? I mean, really.

I can just taste victory. I'm already doing the happy dance in the living room of our new rented single family unit in my mind.

A bright morning with a brooding glow

Today I woke up to good news -- my hair looks soft and luxuriously silky. Sweet. These days are rare for me and are days to be treasured.

Despite my good fortune, I still find myself riddled with angst. And here I am, sitting in my office, feeling it fester. As I think it over, I realize my angst could be caused by many things. In the police line-up of fester-causing offenders, I eye the many likely suspects --

Suspect #1 -- my mother ever-so-gingerly asked me on the phone yesterday if I was planning on starting a family. I DO mean every so gingerly. She's often ginger about sensitive topics. But it makes me think that this is something I should be anticipating and planning somehow. I realize she has some expectation in this regard. Yipes.

Suspect #2 -- I keep brooding over the fact that my friend has a treadmill she wants to give away and I, who would be delighted to take it off her hands and have dreamed of having a treadmill at home for years, have nowhere to put it in our little apartment. For the love.

Suspect #3 -- Ben's final estimate for completing his car (which we have been much anticipating) finally came in and is going to make us part with a big chunk of our savings if we want to finish the car (which we do). I hate parting with money. Especially for cars. If I have to spend it, I'd rather spend it on a fabulous vacation.

Suspect #4 -- the many things that battle for my free time -- more school (I just found out my employer, a university, has an MBA program for part-timers. Who wouldn't want a free MBA degree?). Getting back into community theater -- that would make me more happy than more school, probably. But it wouldn't make me as marketable. But then there is YW and then I wouldn't have enough time for that. Or I could take cooking classes. I could also benefit from working out more or... I feel like I should know by now what would make me most happy. I feel as though I have some right, at my fabulously mature 30 years, to do what would most make me happy. Right? But it's harder than it sounds.

Suspect #5 -- I miss the dress business. Terribly. How fabulous that project was. I would really like to be spending my free time on that. And I can't yet. The truth is hard sometimes.

Suspect #6 -- I haven't traveled somewhere cool since my honeymoon and I think that's too long.

The desire to live life to its fullest and cram it as full as possible seem to be synonymous for me. And when I'm not, or confused about how, I get the ensuing angst. What am I going to do? I'm going to get to work. I had a day off yesterday and I think it threw me off. Back to the grind I love/hate. I'll work on shaking down and interrogating these suspects later.

My one solace -- at least I'm taking the time to learn Spanish during my commute. The dream of my 3 month sabbatical in South America honing mi espanol is not dead. Even if it's not realistic. :)

Back on NBC....bringing it home!

So, several of my friends have accused me of sleeping with Brian Williams (I don't) or selling my body for this kind of PR (I didn't...but I would) and alas, we were back on NBC.

The video is here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032619/#33610789

The Results Are In for Crest Advanced Seal White Strips

A few weeks ago I decided to indulge myself and, especially since I had a coupon, purchased a packet of Crest Advanced Seal White Strips. Ah, good old vanity. I have done teeth whitening once before. However, I wasn't sure last time how well they worked. All I knew is that they made my teeth incredibly sensitive. I hate that.

BUT, I like white teeth. So, I decided this time to do my due diligence and take "BEFORE" and "AFTER" photos. Crest Advanced Seal White Strips take 14 days. For those of you who don't know, that is an ENTIRE HALF OF A MONTH. I rarely commit to anything for that long. As I suspected, and though I tried to fight it, I just couldn't do the strips for 14 consecutive days. It probably took me a good 3 1/2 weeks to actually finish all 14 days worth of strips. I don't know how that may have affected my results. In any case here they are:


BEFORE



AFTER



Not bad, eh? I'll consider myself satisfied. So, there you go -- an unbiased review of Crest Advanced Seal White Strips. Now, what I don't know is if they are any better than the white strips that were 15 bucks cheaper right next to them on the store counter. Perhaps I'll look into that in another 6 months or so. I don't know. I really HATE the process of whitening my teeth. What I sacrifice in the name of beauty!

Side note: I have meant to post these results for a week or so, but I do find it a bit tragic that I am upstaging Jefe's really cool post (see below) so soon. You all should totally check out the video. I did. And as I am clearly a sucker for a good cause, I am now providing food for a cute orphan in Afghanistan every month. So, what I'm really trying to say is,"Watch at your own risk." Congrats on the organization's recognition, Jefita. That is just really cool.:)

CharityHelp International and the news

I thought I would share some fun/personal news with you....my charity (CharityHelp International www.charityhelp.org) and one of the projects we run in Afghanistan was featured on NBC Nightly News tonight with Brian Williams. I thought I would send out some links.

Hope it isn't too invasive or burdening of your spam box. If you have some friends you want to forward the message on to...feel free!

Video: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032619/#33557068

Webpage: http://dailynightly.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2009/10/30/2114422.aspx

More on the thoughts of CSOT

So, I haven't thought about CSOT (Constant State of Temporary) much in the last few months...and the truth is I have been so busy running around, that not many decisions are hanging around for my perusal or deliberation. But I happened upon a lovely little quote from a dear friend of mine in the UK (you know who you are) that epitomizes some of the thoughts behind CSOT.

The quote is: "You can only steer a moving ship" - John Smith While this seems so very basic, and one of those kind of "duh" comments, I am hoping that it is actually one of those "ah hah" moments! How often do we want or seek direction without movement or momentum? How often are we instructed to take action and continually seek guidance? Are we ever instructed to not act until guidance is received?

This is short and sweet, but I thought I would drop it in there while I had the time to think about it (ok, I don't really have the time, I more have this thought in my head, and out of fear of forgetting said thought, I posted it in hopes of dispersing it and preserving it for future reflection.)

Weekly Word: Equanimity

So, I went to visit a certain someone, whom only those in the know, know with whom I had the pleasure of visiting, and oddly enough they had this printout for a new word just for me....and now that word is to be shared with all the dear souls that read this blog (yes, I mean all 3 of you....and I think I am 1 of the 3! :) ).

The word is Equanimity (if you use this word in a sentence..you will get a Chocolate bar from me in the mail!).

Webster has to say the following about equanimity:

Main Entry: equa·nim·i·ty

Pronunciation: \ˌē-kwə-ˈni-mə-tē, ˌe-kwə-\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural equa·nim·i·ties

Etymology: Latin aequanimitas, from aequo animo with even mind

Date: circa 1616

1 : evenness of mind especially under stress
2 : right disposition : balance

The article handed to me was written by Shaila Catherine and has an interesting quote "Neither the coarse feeling of unpleasantness nor the agitated feeling of pleasure, equanimity, the Buddha said, is on eof the highest kinds of happiness, beyond compare with mere pleasant feelings. Superior to delight and joy, true equanimity remains undisturbed as events change from hot to cold, from bitter to sweet, from easy to difficult."

Now, I don't know how I feel about this. It gives or evokes the sense that emotional stability, removed from all effects of external stimuli would be the optimal sense of being and a desired homeostasis. I however would argue that this is not the optimal.

My family tends to be a very even keeled family. We don't have too many in the group that are all over the place emotionally, that gets overly excited or overly depressed....however, certain in-laws and others have commented on this as a negative rather than a positive....so I found it interesting that this equanimity was/is/could be perceived as the epitome rather than a void of emotional connection with ones surroundings.

A penny for your thoughts? (Really, a chocolate bar for your thoughts!)

Where I Went

I know, I know. I haven't been around lately. That is so unlike me. But I have been very busy. Not in the conventional sense of the word, i.e. driving around to various places in my car, working like a dog at my day job, or traveling the world. No, no. Rather, I've been off visiting places I really don't like to go and trying desperately to find my way out.

It's been almost a month since Ben and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. (It was lovely, by the way). As the date approached, I had wanted to post something big and exuberant about how fabulous my husband is and how great this year has been. But truth be told, I wasn't really up for it. I didn't have the gusto I needed to write it. Truth be told again, this year hasn't been "awesome" per se. I'd say a more accurate description would be "challenging". And who wants to write about that?

Now before anybody gets any ideas, let me lay to rest a few concerns you may have. I can easily tell you that my husband is fabulous. I am still trying to get him to cook me dinner, but aside from that he's really just great. And I still have hopes of succeeding at the dinner thing. :)

But marriage and moving and changed routines and new jobs and new.... everything -- well, it all threw me some curve balls I wasn't expecting.

I knew to expect a few challenges with all these life changes. I expected to miss good friends. I do. I expected to have to make adjustments in sharing my home with a male. I did (although not that many). I expected Ben and I to fight like children over whose turn it is to pray at night. we do that. And I expected to have my monthly grocery bill go up. It definitely has. But some things.... well you just can't anticipate everything.

Like what, you ask? Hands down, the biggest curve ball was revisiting me as I was at 13. And by 13, I mean the "riddled with baby fat and terrible acne" kind of 13. It's been so terrible. Really, you have no idea. I was waiting for the day I woke up to discover big, thick metal braces had cropped up all over my mouth. It was THAT bad.

Allow me to elaborate: for still inexplicable reasons, my skin has wreaked havoc all over my cheeks, nose, chin, forehead and any other resting spot it could find on my little face and littler forehead. I really had no idea marriage and moving to Ohio caused acne. I still don't know if it's one, the other, or a combination of them both.

And then there was the insatiable hunger I felt all year. Where did it come from? Again, marriage and Ohio are the only culprits that I can find. Well, as I tend to do when I'm hungry, I ate. But I was hungrier than usual, so I was also eating more than usual to satiate said hunger. As you might guess, gradually I got more and more "baby fat" --- which really only looks cute on babies.

I started dubbing it "5 lbs", even though at times the number really no longer applied to, well, the number. But I couldn't really bring myself to verbally acknowledge anything more than 5 lbs.

And then it got worse. Not only did I have the chub, but I wasn't fitting into all my clothes. My CUTE clothes. Now, here is where I seriously get concerned. We all know I have a fetish for clothes. Ben looks at my closet and marvels that I claim to "need" the entirety of its contents. But I run into problems when I can't maintain my weight. I can no longer call my clothes an investment if they only fit me temporarily. And if they're not a smart long-term investment, how will I justify my wardrobe? I won't be able! And what am I going to wear if I can't wear.... all my clothes? Now, THAT is seriously a problem. I knew this needed to be nipped-ay in its bud-ay.

I totally took a proactive approach. Many days, I went to bed very, very hungry, denying my appetite that seemed to be on overdrive. And I ran... a lot. I watched everything I ate. Ok, I didn't give up ice cream, but I never give up ice cream. I did watch the ice cream I ate, (literally and figuratively. Mmm.) I also got a new prescription from a dermatologist for my acne. And I washed my face religiously both morning AND night.

Pro-active shmo-active. None of it had any effect. Puzzling. Believe it or not, previously I didn't try very hard to maintain my weight or my relatively decent complexion. I worked out 2-3 times a week and washed my face in the morning. That's it. And now? I should be looking like a goddess at this point! I was training for a marathon, washing my face twice a day, going hungry, taking meds for my skin.... but still NO SUCCESS. Confused? I was.

Decidedly riddled with acne and chub, I was BEYOND frustrated for the whole of this last year. That's a long time. Poor Ben. I would periodically go off in the car and cry about my descent into misery after having made the tragic mistake of marrying, moving to Ohio and thus, somehow, losing all cuteness I ever had. How was I to know this was what was waiting for me on the other side of the alter? I thought I was jumping into an abyss of all future happiness. In reality, I was just jumping into a replay of my adolescent misfortunes. How tragic.

My one solace has been that the husband I had picked up in all this was, in fact, still great. To Ben's credit, he never once said anything derogatory about my acne or my weight. Not a word -- as bad as it's been, I'm sure it would have been much worse had I found out my husband only loved me because I was thin or had clear skin. He apparently loves me for other reasons, and I have the entire last year as proof. As good as that is to know, however, his fabulousness didn't alleviate either of the problems at hand.

Failing in all efforts to surmount and overcome challenges might cause one to want to give up on life, one being me. Temporarily at least. And I'm not one to support deprivation or underestimate a new strategy. Giving up could totally be the way to go (at least for a little while). So I indulged myself one week and sat on the couch eating chocolate chips for dinner almost every night. You can even ask Ben. It was made more memorable when he tragically sat on two lingering chocolate chips and melted them onto his jeans (on two separate evenings with two different pairs of jeans, no less). Basically, I looked weight gain in the face and brashly taunted, "Bring it." It was fabulous.

Of course, then there's always a day of reckoning when one is reckless. For one thing, Ben banned me from eating chocolate chips on the couch (I'm glad I enjoyed it while I had the chance). And then of course there was the largess of my waist to deal with. At the end of the week I got on the scale to see what damage I had done, expecting to have to devise some heretofore undevisable plan as to how to lose the excess that had now compounded on top of the excess that was already well-established on my short, little frame.

If this entire ordeal weren't already inexplicably odd, here's where it gets even more so. When I finally hopped (I'm using the term "hop" loosely) on the scale, I found that I hadn't added any pounds at all. Quite the opposite. I had in fact lost 2 pounds. As I gazed down at the scale, I was loving my body more and more by the minute for not one reason but for two. Not only had my frame shed some undesirable chub, but a diet high in chocolate was apparently an excellent weight loss plan for me! That's the best news of the millennium, to date. Finally, a diet plan I can get along with!

Since then, things have only gotten better. My skin, again inexplicably, is now clear. And I have consistently kept off five pounds of the "5 lbs" with, basically, no effort and no hunger pangs. I'm happy to say I don't care if I ever lose the rest. Ok, maybe I care a little. But all the same, I feel like I have myself back and my visit back to age 13 has been curbed.

What was it? I have a theory. I theorize that my body was under duress, both physically and subconsciously, because of all previously mentioned life changes. Therefore, it caused my skin to go loco. I hypothesize that the move to Ohio made my body want to bulk up for the long winter ahead in this new barren land, causing my insatiable hunger. And now that a year has passed, my skin and my body are suddenly in agreement --- we're not in a strange land. We're home. And we're no longer dealing with change. We're in a routine now so we can stop freaking out.

But really, I have no freaking clue. I keep having this phrase play in my head, "after the scourges are over." What a plague. Despite the fact I don't know what all of this was about, I can still learn lessons from the experience. For example: I would not make a good military wife. Also, it's rough going back to being 13(I like me in my almost 30's much better).

So, in case you were wondering, I'm back now and I hope to entertain you all with more frequent blogging in the near future.