Running, Running, Running, And Then.... WHAT!?!

Ben and I had a bet before we went out to Salt Lake at the end of May. We started it some time back in March. The bet was if we worked out at least 3 times a week, every week until the trip, we get a prize. Woohoo!

I was already in the habit of working out 2-3 times a week. I designed the bet to mostly be a challenge for Ben. :) Despite this, it was actually hard for me to do 3 times a week consistently, every week. Ben fell off the wagon early on. Sad, because we really made the bet to help him with working out more than we did it to help me. But I totally got my prize.

But then I got overzealous and I started going up to 4 times a week for some weeks. I say overzealous because NOW my ankle is totally sore and I cannot run!!!! No!!!! It's all stiff. As if I needed a reminder that I am not an olympian. Give me a break! Not literally, please.

So I have been biking and doing the arc trainer at the gym instead. I am trying to be nice and not run too soon on it because I would really like to be able to run when we go on vacation -- mostly because I don't anticipate I will have access to the gym, the arc trainer or the stationary bike. But i will inevitably want to exercise and could run, if my ankle would cooperate.

Two weeks and counting till we leave. I'll let you know if my little ankle is nursed back to health in time.

When "Just Do It" Doesn't Get It Done

I know you're all dying to know how it's going with the whole running gig. Ok, so you're not. Too bad. It's my blog. Mine and Jefita's, I mean.

Well, I've been up and down and all around -- literally and figuratively. My last blog post on running was coming after a high of just having completed a 10.5 mile long run without having stopped. Nike's mantra was working for me. I told myself I would do it, I tried and I conquered.

Unfortunately, the mantra became nothing more than a gimmick the next week. I'd set out to increase my miles to 13. To my disappointment, I only got to 10.5. And I walked part of it. Not only did I not improve, but I did worse. Sad? To say the least. I felt pretty discouraged and as I surmised, discouragement is totally toxic. If I couldn't "Just Do It", how was I going to get it done?

Well, the next couple weeks I didn't train so hard. Not all because of discouragement -- I had a family reunion the week after that run. I did run once, but I really thought better of it on most days and decided I was going to primarily vacation and visit with my family (the least I could do since they flew in from Europe and the West Coast and Ben & I drove 15 stinking hours just so we could all be in the same place for a while). So I didn't do much running. The week after that I got myself to the gym, but I only ran once and did cross training instead on the other days. My legs felt so tired still. And I didn't do a long run on the weekend. I didn't want to. I wasn't motivated. As I sat back and nursed my fatigued legs and my hurt pride, I was thinking of post-poning my marathon entry till the next year. Or maybe I'd just do a 1/2 marathon again....

Well, I've been mulling it over. And I talked to a few fellow runners. And I got some advice. And I learned/remembered a few things. 1) We all have good weeks and bad weeks. Just because I had one, terrible, long run doesn't mean I'm finished. Who knew?! 2) I need to run fewer freaking hills!!! for peat sakes. I really am going up and down on every road all the time. They are huge and they are everywhere around our neighborhood. And they are so unforgiving. A lovely friend from my church, Maura, recommended a nice stretch of road that is good, long and totally flat just 1 1/2 miles away from my home.

So I decided I could give it another go. However, I did a few things differently. After all, failing once was bad enough. If I failed to run 13 miles twice, it was going to be a rough blow. I had to give myself as much room for success as possible.

1) I divided to conquer -- Ok, I didn't really plan this. It just kinda worked out this way. But we can pretend it was all part of my brilliant training scheme. I was invited to run with some friends in a local 5k, so I did. But I ran it kinda fast because I'm kinda stupid and very competitive. It's great for race times, but not so good if you want to run long. So I did that in the am and when I got done, I could feel that my legs needed to rest before I did more. So I tried for the other 10 miles around 6pm that night.

2) I got rid of the a majority of the hills and worked that new fabulous flat road into my route. It was so HEAVENLY. I LOVE jogging on flat ground. I'd all but forgotten how nice, friendly and easy it is.

3) I skipped cross-training that week. I needed all my energy for the task at hand.

Well, it worked. I did it. Granted, it was in portions. But it WAS within 24 hours. That's a start. So maybe I haven't given up yet.

Another thing I'm rethinking -- all this cross-training. Ok, I was only working it in like once a week. But I think it wears me out a little too much. I might go back to just running 3x's a week and calling it good.

As you can see, training is proving to be a little trickier than I thought. Truth be told, I am not an energizer bunny. I wear out. SO, as I play around with this crazy marathon idea, I'll let you know how it goes.

Checking In

It doesn't take much to ruin your efforts. In my case, I almost threw away my dedication and hard work in a mere 2 days. Thank goodness I took a turn for the better at the last hour and thwarted failure. I finally got myself to the gym at 8:20pm, which is before closing time(9pm), and ran my 4 miles as quick as my legs would carry me so I didn't have to stop before I'd finished. If I hadn't gone running yesterday, I wasn't going to get in my 3 days this week. And that would totally ruin my progress and training. Ok, maybe not totally. But it would have created a crack in my confidence and dedication to the goal of training. And self-doubt is incredibly toxic.


I have been keeping a log of my marathon training for the past 4 1/2 weeks. In that time, I've logged 56 miles. While this is skimpy by normal marathon training standards (most training programs recommend you run 25-50 miles per week),I find it encouraging. Already, I've run well over 2 marathons!

I also have been diligently caring for my plantaar fasciitis. I found a new kind of stretchy sports tape. The previous tape I was using started to fall off from the increase in humidity out here, making it somewhat ineffective and incredibly annoying. The new tape sticks to my legs while I run, but doesn't stick so well that it takes my top layer of skin when I take it off AFTER I run (I especially appreciate this feature). And my ankle, even after a 10.5 mile long run last weekend, seems to be feeling really good. Not cured. But good.

I'm not burnt out on my goal. I rather enjoy the running. I haven't suffered any feelings of dead legs or a feeling of dread in anticipation of running. It seems to me 3 times a week isn't a hard regimen to keep up with. But it's easy to get out of rhythm. And I almost didn't make it a priority the last couple days. I was SUPPOSED to go running Monday. But then I fell asleep and the next thing I knew the gym was already closed (curse their summer hours). It was almost a repeat on Tuesday. Thank goodness for the almost -- I would have been so sad!

This has brought to light the longevity in focus required to meet this goal. I'm coming on 5 weeks of consistent training, or 10 if you wanna be generous and include the weeks I was running regularly and gearing up to train. But I have all the way to November 1st to get to my goal!! That's another, count 'em with me, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16 weeks! Seriously? I could fall off the wagon any NUMBER of times given that many opportunities.

I have some hope. In training, I've so far had to make some accomodations and concessions which make evident the existence of some dedication and staying power on my behalf. I've had to wake up at 6am and go running several times, just to fit it in. I've conceded to fitting in 1 day of cross-training to compensate and provide sufficient fitness training for my lower mileage training regimen. And I've found myself willing to run innumerable hills -- because that's all Fairfield, Ohio has to offer me if I want to run outside. These are my sacrifices that give me confidence. I place my offerings at the altar of the marathon gods in hopes they may find them pleasing and satisfactory. If I'm willing to do this (and believe you me when I say I really HATE running in the morning) I just might reach the marathon. I just might.

I mentioned that I almost failed, but I realize failure can have many definitions. I am running for a purpose, but that purpose is not to win a race. And it is not to run a marathon even. It is yet to be seen if my ankle will last. But it's pretty clear that the goal to run the race has been set and the entry form has been turned in. All that need not fail is my effort and dedication in reaching that goal.

If my body or life should thwart me, that's ok. Just don't let it be because I'm a slacker.

My Perch

Every day, Monday thru Friday, I go to work. Thankfully, I like work. There are many reasons. And while many of the many reasons may not be viewable to the naked eye, there is one reason that is. That reason is because of where I work. Not only is the building cool, but so is the view from the office. I didn't get the best view of the outside of the building, but here is at least one angle, from which you can actually take a gander of my office from the outside:



I really enjoy this building because firstly, it reminds me of something I'd see in a Tim Burton cartoon movie, like James and the Giant Peach -- only it's a real building, even with all of its absurd angles and shapes. And it has lots of open space and high ceilings inside.

If you look where the doors are to the left of the trees, there is a big box of windows right above it. That's MY office!

And here is the view from my office:



Even more, if I were a taller sort of person, I would see a different view because, as you can see from this picture, the view just keeps going up, up and up:



Now, ordinarily I wouldn't boast about something like this. However, I think it is completely obvious that in a building full of elite PhD faculty and otherwise important people, I am a peon and completely undeserving of this most lovely perch. And somehow this makes it ok for me to brag away -- I mean share with you all. Ahem.

Now, a note about the less aesthetically pleasing, but somewhat entertaining views, this is the taping job that I wear around these days:



I wore it to church last week and no one said a word, so I just figured it wasn't as obvious as I thought. I found out otherwise when I went to church today and EVERYBODY was wondering what ON EARTH happened to me, "poor thing." I'm a bit of a pessimist and I don't really think this is going to stave off my ankle injury through marathon training for the next four months. It's good stuff, but I'm not sure anything is THAT good. But I will be sporting it for as long as I am going to be training, I think. Quite the fashion statement. Yeah, I think everyone will be wearing these sooner or later. It's totally cool. Ben said it looked like I was wearing "V" for victory -- right before he started to refuse to be seen with me in public.

Did I Do That?

So much for slim chances. Yesterday afternoon, I checked my email and found this inside my box waiting for me.

marathonmailer@nyrr.org to me

June 4, 2009

Countdown to the start November 1, 2009:
149 Days
Dear Sharon Young,
Entry Number:
Congratulations! You have been accepted to run the ING New York City Marathon 2009 on Sunday, November 1. On behalf of New York Road Runners, I welcome you to the 40th running of the world’s greatest marathon. We’re hard at work preparing to give you the experience of a lifetime.
Please visit the ING New York City Marathon Entrant Login at your earliest convenience. From this page you can provide or verify your emergency race-day contact, supply information that will allow us to assign your race-day transportation to the start, cancel your entry if needed, and take advantage of special offers for marathon entrants.
You’ll need your username and password to access the Entrant Login. If you don’t know your username and/or password, please e-mail reghelp@nyrr.org. Include your name and entry number in your e-mail.
Please consider using your marathon experience as an opportunity to raise money for Team for Kids or another worthy cause. Visit our charities page for more information.
We’ll be in touch frequently between now and race day, and we’ll post the latest news on the ING New York City Marathon site. We look forward to seeing you in November!
Sincerely,

Mary Wittenberg
President and CEO, New York Road Runners
Race Director, ING New York City Marathon

I think I'm in for it. This means I actually need to train. Aye aye aye.

Running Updates

I still have not committed to the marathon, in case you were wondering. Though, I did impulsively enter myself into the New York Marathon lottery. But, seriously, I have slim chances of getting into that. But the lottery cut off was June 1st, so I totally HAD to enter it. See? I had no choice! Okay, I'm totally impulsive and illogical. But I still consider myself totally uncommitted.

I have, however, been picking up my mileage. For 3 weeks I have been running 3x a week. For you runners, this probably does not sound like a lot to you. Let me explain: I enjoy running and I consider myself a runner to some degree, but I am always humbled and amazed when I talk to people who run every day. Wow. My personal preference -- running 3x a week -- or less. Beyond that, my body really doesn't seem to like me very much. I feel fatigued & worn out and I get overuse injuries. Maybe I'd go to 4 for training, if I needed to and I felt like I could hack it, but usually I don't really hack it. And when I meet you people, I think, "How do you people do it?!" It's totally impressive. I just consider myself not physically made of the same metal. As Annie would say, "Anything you can do, I can do.... sometimes."

Again, as I mentioned previously, I'm still not sure I'm doing a marathon. I'm just trying to run more consistently to see if my body can handle it and to see if I actually have enough dedication & desire to do it. I've run half's before and I thought THAT was a long ways. Twice that?!!"What am I thinking!?!?" crosses my mind right after, "That would be cool." So I'm just experimenting right now.

Here's what my test results tell me so far:

1) Dedication may be there. I actually ran three times each week. That seems to be promising, right? And my mileage wasn't so bad either. 3-4 milers on my easy days and then a 5-6 miler on the weekend for a long run. I feel good with the frequency and the mileage. I might have hope of getting up to 26.2 big ones by October or November, if I keep this up.

However, there are a few causes for concern.

1) I didn't do much cross training. I did some mild weight training and core strengthening, but I didn't exercise at all on my off days. I would need to if I was really going to train for a marathon. Am I really willing to work out this much?

2)The inside of my right ankle is getting sore. I don't think it's achille's tendonitis and I don't think it's plantar fasciitis, but it's something like that. And while a doctor might be able to tell me, I don't have a PCP out here yet and would probably be a good month away from getting a new patient appt. I don't have that much time. And it will likely get worse if I don't take care of it properly, thus ruining marathon aspirations for this fall.

3) I'm already seeing the not so fun side of higher mileage. This one's just a small bummer, but I made the mistake of running my 4 miler yesterday and my 6.2 today rather than giving myself a day in between to rest. And I feel totally ill! I'm clammy, nauseous and I have a headache. Sometimes, the feel good you get from running doesn't always feel good right after. I know, I know. No pain, no gain.

Where does this leave me? Well, the biggest issue is going to be my ankle, for sure. I think I'll try taping it to give it some support and maybe get some inserts for my running shoes for some cushioning. We'll see if that helps ease the pain.

As for my weight training? Well, I'm a sucker for a soft couch when I see one, so my plan is to take my workout gear with me to work and go to the gym before I set my foot in the door and even SEE the couch. It sounds like a good plan, right?

And the sickness? I think I'm just gonna have to suck it up. High mileage doesn't always feel good to my insides. And to be honest, I've had way worse than nausea before and still kept it up. I might like to whine about it a little, but I'll take the tradeoffs for the satisfaction of having pulled through.

You just have to want things bad enough sometimes. And I think I want it, but when I'm at mile 20 will I really want it? I'm not quite sure. I know I'll hurt, but exactly how broken are we talking? :)

Marathon Musings

I think I mentioned something about a marathon in a post or a comment recently. Really, it was a foreshadowing. Running a marathon has been in the back of my mind for years. And it has been more on the forefront the last month or so. I have lots of friends who have taken this step (my co-blogger, Mainer, Adrian in Provo, a lady I serve with in Young Women's at church), which keeps reminding me that I am jealous and would like to do one too (or at least have already DONE one! Ha ha.).

But I have hesitations. For reasons of, well, reason AND practicality, I'm not sold. My reservations include:

1) I do half marathons and even after just the 13 miles, I cannot walk properly for a day or two and it really has more to do with my joints than my muscles.

2) I was once diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which causes inexplicable feelings of being injured in my joints that can last for months -- which can really mess with a training schedule.

3) Even without fibromyalgia, when I up my mileage I frequently run into real injuries -- stiff ankles, IT Band acting up, hips with weird sharp pains -- doesn't sound good, I know.

4) Although I'd like to believe it, the idea of, "because you can do it, I can do it" just isn't a convincing argument. I don't buy it. There are LOTS of things you can do that I can't. For example, flossing on a regular basis. Being able to reach the top shelf in the kitchen cupboard without a step stool. Winning at games like Trivial Pursuit. See my point?

5) There is no real NEED to run a marathon. Why am I so obsessed? Even among runners, so many people say they think the 1/2 marathon is the best distance. Why can't I be happy with that?

But it still fascinates me and weighs on my mind. So, maybe it's time. After all, October will by my big 3-0. And what better way could there be to celebrate than to run my 1st marathon? Not to mention, it might help these 5 lbs of marriage and moving weight that keep hanging on for dear life to leave me, rather than (heaven forbid) bringing with them another 5 lbs to join them.

By george, I might be ready to do one.

So, I've done more serious looking. My birthday is Oct. 19th. Coincidentally, there is a marathon in Indianapolis (just two hours from me) on Sat. October 17th, and I checked out the course -- not too much incline or decline, not too much road and, overall, appears to be a friendly 1st timer's marathon. It's also a qualifier for the Boston, not that I'm planning on that, but hey, you never know how well you'll do or how much you'll love it, right? So, that marathon is about 5 months away and two days pre-birthday.

You can see -- I'm planning. Figuring. I'm leaning that way. But I'm still not sure. I am going to start training. However, I'm not committing or registering quite yet. I'm so prone to injury and I want to see how training goes. But I would also like some advice regarding a few matters. So, any of my running friends out there, and anybody else who has insights or opinions about marathons, if you could peruse the following and let me know your thoughts, I'd love to know what you think!!!

1) I am very over-use injury prone. I have read on some training websites that you should be used to running 25 miles/wk pretty regularly for the year previously to be reasonably safe from overuse injuries. I've also read that you shouldn't up your mileage more than 10% from week to week. On the other hand, there is the Hal Higdin's tried and true training schedule that goes for 18 weeks and doesn't mention any such things.

As for me, I find the less I kill myself during training, the more likely I will survive till and through race day. I usually don't run more than 2 or 3 days a week and cross train on other days. However, this could be a contributing factor as to why I feel so jacked up just after a 1/2 marathon -- because I may have under-trained. Hard to tell. And my running since marriage has been incredibly inconsistent. Before it, I was probably doing a good 7-12 miles a week. But it's been 8 months and, while I'm not totally out of shape, I haven't been consistent since then. And I don't have a year before my 30th birthday. With my low mileage in consideration, should I wait till 31 or just go for it? I hav about 5 months till race day.

2) Why did you run a marathon, how did it affect you physically and what is your overall assessment from the experience?

It shouldn't be SUCH a big deal, right? I've been a leisurely runner for 12 years. I just don't want to end up hating the experience or, worse, having to live with the disastrously painful and long-healing consequences. :)

An Old Friend

How can something be nostalgic, wonderful and pathetic all at the same time? And yet it is. I ran yesterday. For the second time. In many months. I love running. I've missed it. The gym isn't nearly as fun without a run on the treadmill. I know there are few people who share this opinion. But, nonetheless, for me it is a very true statement.

I ran for the FIRST time in months a couple weeks ago. It was also a very joyous occasion. But slightly less. The pathetic part comes after the run, actually. I got off the treadmill after I had only run 2.5 miles (though it was at my normal pace, which made me very glad my hiatus hadn't made me slower). I suddenly realized... dun, dun, dun....my legs felt like jello. I was a little surprised. I used to run 3-5 miles without even thinking about it. So for that short run to do that to me was, well, a bit of a set back.

But not totally surprising. It had been MONTHS since I ran. And, of course, I have been going to the gym in the meantime. I've gotten better at the bike, the arc trainer, the stairmaster and my arms actually have identifiable bi's and tri's-- which may be a first for me. But I haven't done as much cardio as I'd been doing while I was able to run. I would frequently do cardio for over 40 minutes if I was running. In contrast, I normally kept it to 20, and SOMETIMES 30, with these other machines. What can I say? I just don't love them as much.

It seemed like a minor set back. But not the end of the world. I just needed to build my muscles and endurance back up. C'est la vie. Yeah. At the time I clearly didn't know the meaning of the term "set back". No worries. I was soon to find out as I was TOTALLY sore for the next few days, to the point that I walked like a disjointed, stiff, adolescent boy, nervously making an effort to make his awkward body move at a middle school dance. That's a wee bit embarassing.

And that wasn't the worst of it. When the soreness started to subside I went back to the gym to run again, which I learned I shouldn't have done. Because when you run like I ran, you get sore for many reasons, one of which is that exerting your muscles like that causes little tears in your muscles. I am sadly very prone to BAD tears, and succeeded in exacerbating one of the tears in my left thigh within the 1st two minutes of my 2nd attempt at a run. OW! I am so not smart sometimes.

So, two weeks later, which could also be called yestersday, I finally got my sorry butt on the treadmill and ran a slow, steady 2 miles without tears or other reasons for pain. I didn't run too much. I didn't run too fast. And today? I feel just fine. Ahhh, welcome back friend. I've missed you.

Positives and Negatives

Yesterday was a very mixed day. Clothes, relationships, and the adventures inside my head.

I start off my day by waking up reasonably on time and trying to dress myself in something smart, flattering, comfortable and quick. I fall back on a thoughtless but well-put-together outfit I have worn several times before. No art, creativity or trying on required. It's like a microwave meal, only involving clothes.

With all the money I've spent on clothes and the good fashion sense I've been cursed with that encourages me to spend money on clothes, I have come to believe there is no reason or excuse on any given day for being schlumpy, half-put-together, dowdy, marmish or anything of the like. Not to say that it never happens. But I try to be cognizant and avoid it. It just doesn't feel good to be schlumpy. And when you have clothes that aren't, why would you wear the ones that are? It makes no sense.

My fashion sense has become much improved over the years. Even recently. I had a ghastly habit in my early, early 20's to dress more like I was in my 30's and 40's. This is because anything else cute and flattering was an article of clothing that either made me look like I should be working the corner near a nightclub or like I was 14 yrs old. I have since looked harder and found things more age appropriate and fashionable. I have also watched several episodes of What Not To Wear. Great tips there! But it's been a difficult quest. They don't make a lot of clothes for 20-something professionals. Add in the quest for modest clothes and..., well...., I imagine YOU shop too. If you're female or have shopped with a female, you know what I'm talking about and can sympathize.

Anyhow, I get ready quickly and go to work. During work, I off-handedly decide I need to take a lunch break (I don't usually take a lunch break). I leave and go to the clothing store where I work part-time, as they are having an employee sale that day. Clothes shopping -- one of my favorite past-times.

Except it hasn't been as of late. I still haven't lost the 5 extra pounds I gained from my marathon training. Body image has suffered, admittedly( but my bank account balance has benefited immensely.). I realize, logically, I'm still not overweight. So, it's not that bad and the pounds should not upset me as much as they do. I think to myself, "If I go try on clothes today, I might be more pleased with how they look than I think." I try on jeans, jeans, and more jeans ( I do believe our clothing store has the largest selection of jeans in the country.) I settle on a pair of very dark wash Genetic Denim, straight leg. They look cute, sophisticated, and almost formal. They fit surprisingly well, even around my middle where clothes tend to pinch me and give me a muffin top. And at seventy-five percent off, I am completely satisfied with the bargain. But I still don't feel cute.

Hmmm... oh well. Back to work. Work passes, blah, blah. Nothing very eventful. Ok, not true. A car DID crash into the window of one of the apartment buildings we own. That made things interesting. But that's neither here nor there. Back to my day.

At the end of my workday, I decide to go to the gym. It'll make me feel better for sure. Right? Maybe not. It's been my increase in exercise and training that's made me add the extra pounds. In that respect, the gym is like my nemesis. What to do? Alas, I love running too much. Off I go. At the end of my workout I'm gladder for it. Just as I suspected.

I go home and shower and think what to do next. I should eat. But at the moment I've decided food is my nemesis. It's the last thing I want to think about. Clean the house? Maybe. Do the dishes? I could.... Ooh, but wait! Even Better! I remember I still have my gift card for Nordtrom's I got off Ebay. Off to The Rack I go, for more clothes shopping. I can clean house after the stores close. That's much better time management. I'm so smart.

I start to think and realize my artless effort this morning has been a theme lately. I don't put any imagination into my wardrobe. I hate that. So maybe I need some new clothes....hmmm.... Yes, that's it. Of course, "need" is relative. My closet is absolutely not lacking in fullness. I could clothe an entire village in Ethiopia. But it's a new season and my closet is full of winter. It's SUMMER, for heaven sakes! I've already missed an entire season!

I am so good at justifying shopping. Too good. I go to The Rack and I try on a bunch of stuff. Ah! Detriment of all detriments -- I find several cute tops. Tops are exactly what I need. I don't seem to be at all in the mood for shoes, thankfully, so I don't bother perusing the shoe section. I grab a white handbag. That's light and springy. Check out. Done. The handbag's too expensive. I'd rather put the money towards a digital camera. I'll return it later. Maybe.

What next? I think I'll call Male. I have been seeing Male almost every day lately. And I have been liking seeing Male that often. And I'm kinda worried because I am happier and happier about he and I. Do I want to be happy about he and I? What if we never break up?!?! We might get married..... AH! And to add to my distress, I'm starting to see all the reasons we fit together well rather than all the reasons we might not. I knew I should have broken up with him months ago. I can't very well do it now. I like him too much. Crap. Talk about problems.

I wonder if I shouldn't call Male. Maybe he'd like a night off from me. But I've noticed he typically is the one to call me when we get together. I'll call him just to mix it up a bit. If he doesn't want to do something that's ok. I call, but he's not there. I call again and leave a message. As I start to drive out of the parking lot, I am about to pass the dollar theaters in the strip mall. Hmm... that could be fun. Watch a movie or do dishes? Hmmm...

Hello movie! I was on a flight recently where they were showing Bridge to Terabithia. I had really wanted to see it. But the flight was only an hour long. They were just showing previews. Cruel of them, I think. But wadda ya know!?!? It's playing at the theater tonight, and the next showing starts in 20 minutes. Off to the movies I go. Yes, I realize it's uncool to go to movies by myself. And I hadn't bothered to put make-up on after I showered from the gym. I shouldn't be galavanting about in public. But, honestly, I don't really care.

I sit in the theater and wait for the show to start. The theater is relatively empty. No surprise there. I'm watching a PG movie at 9:30 on a Tuesday night. Who does that? Apparently I do. I keep my silenced phone around in case Male calls.

In my little chair, in the row I have all to myself, I think back to previous relationships. Things were so frustrating. Neither of us seemed to be in sync. I didn't feel at home in those relationships. I was out. He was in. Then I was in. Then he was out. I felt nervous, tense, guarded... even needy. I hated that. Feeling all that. Glad not to feel that right now.

I check my phone and to my delight, Male just called. I leave the theater quickly and call him back to invite him to the movie. The movie will be starting in a few minutes, it's very last minute and I know the chances of Male coming are very small, but it would be fun to have him there, so I ask anyway.

Male shows up just about 10 minutes after the movie starts. He sits down and I quickly (and quietly) recap what he's missed. I put my head on his shoulder, which makes me a million times more happy and comfortable, and revel in the fact he came so quickly to spend time with me and watch a movie he knew nothing about. I didn't think he'd come, so it makes it an added treat. That worked out so well. Amazing!

After the movie, I think about what to tell Male about my day. I think about telling him my trauma in dealing with my 5 residual pounds. Scratch that. Bad idea. He'll think I'm silly. And I know he doesn't care about the 5 pounds. Why do I care about them? I just need to think more positively and not beat myself up. But if I do that, then I won't get rid of the 5 pounds because I'll start to really think I don't need to lose them, when I'd really look better if I did. Wait a minute? Rewind. Am I actually afraid of too much positive thinking because then I might believe the positive thinking?

I am most definitely a warped individual. Yup. Very warped. In the future, I will contemplate the effects of potentially believing positive thinking that I currently think is hogwash (only most of the time. I have breaks of sanity on occasion) because of all my negative thinking. If contemplation leads me to believe I'd be better off believing positive rather than negative thinking, maybe, just maybe I'll endorse the positive thinking. But I'm not sure yet.... even though I think I'm a moron for believing my negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are like a parasite. They suck the sense out of you and you hate it, but you're still attached to them and the procedure of pulling them out could be quite painful. Surgery. Eugh. I'll brood over it. One can't be too cautious about endorsing positive thoughts. Kinda like being too hasty about a relationship that seems to be great. Instead, I prefer being very concerned and fearful said relationship might actually work out.

Man, I'm warped. It's really amusing. I'm totally entertained by it. But often quite puzzled. On a positive note, despite said warpedness of body image and my fear of commitment, overall, my relationship with Male seems to have avoided taking on this attribute. NOT warped. Life could be worse.

Why I Don't Spend Money on Pedicures

The end to a training season has finally come. Saturday was my long-anticipated 1/2 marathon. This season had been riddled with little hang-ups for me. I am happy to report, despite the hangups and at the end of it all, it has been a strengthening, motivating, inspiring and overall very good experience. Yeah for accomplishing goals! Yeah for 1/2 marathons! My feet definitely got the short end of the stick this year. I don't think they're saying, "Yeah!" I think they're saying, "Did you have to do this to us right at the start of sandal season? I really liked having a full set of toenails. We're so embarassed to be seen." But that's the way it goes. They always fair poorly. They are forced to make a noble sacrifice for the greater good of the rest of me.

When not in training season, I still exercise. It has so many good effects. It's like a fountain of youth, health, energy and loads of other things. But this year, early on in my training, I realized that along with all of exercise's usual splendid benefits, my training was having additional side effects. In particular, It was causing me to gain weight.

GAIN?!?! What?!?! This is not an effect that I consider desirable. Admittedly, I am very anal about my weight and I watch my numbers like a hawk. I don't diet. Ever. But I do monitor.

I've heard that numbers don't matter. And while those words are perfectly audible and straightforward in definition, they really make no sense to me. No matter how low my numbers on the scale, I can't ever recall thinking they were too low. And no matter what numbers they have risen to, I can't ever recall feeling glad about it. And then my clothes were fitting tighter this season. Mmmm hmmm. Don't try to tell me I'm looking leaner. I am well aware muscle takes up room. Room I have not made accomodations for in my jeans. The sad truth is that I am a very typical, pathetic, superficial girl. I am small. And I like being small. And I do not desire that there should ever be MORE of me.

Training continued anyway. And I would look at the scale, week after week of training, and see that the numbers were consistently staying up. "No matter," I would tell myself. "It's muscle. At least most of it is. It is muscle, isn't it? How can I be sure? Does my waist look bigger to you?"

I didn't own a submerssive tank of water where I could dunk myself and accurately test the exact composition changes in my body each week. I hear they're expensive. I soothed myself, unable to test the actual changes in my body makeup, with the idea that it was only temporary and the glory and accomplishment of running the race would make it all worth it. Such a small sacrifice for the cause. I could be little again later. I'd be glad.

Then you add scheduling problems. I was working about 60 hrs/wk most weeks this training season. You add in making time for dates, commuting, and life as it comes, --- it does not make for an easy and consistent training schedule. I tried to schedule a couple sessions with a trainer. Ha! That was a laugh. I met with him once. And then, the next 7am appt. was thwarted by a change in work schedule, having to go to work early and off-site. It seemed to be a good indicator that I really just didn't have time for that. I got to the gym 3 x's/wk, on average. That was my goal.

But then there were a few weeks I missed my goal. And a few weeks when the long run I had planned just didn't fit in. Argggghh. Why does everyone marry in the spring? Don't people know there are races to train for? But it wasn't so bad. Since I had run 1/2 marathons before, I had the confidence and experience I needed in order to know what I could do. And I was able to train just enough to be able to do it.

And then there are all my injuries. I'm always injured. Call it Fibromyalgia. Call it a need for new shoes. Doesn't matter what you call it. It still hurts like hell. But after all that training, and ESPECIALLY after having already sacrificed my tight leash on the numbers of the scale, no ache or pain could keep me from my goal. I would run the race, I would finish, and I would finish respectably. I had an ankle ailment that was plagueing me for probably a good 1/2 of my training. But I was able to run on it anyway. After about 2 months and, coincidentally, about a week before the race, the ankle ailment moved and became a hip ailment. Gotta love Fibromyalgia. The hip ailment was a sharper pain, and seemed much more alarming and threatening to me. So, while I knew I was cardiovascularly ready and capable in strength, this new development caused me to worry thatI might be in for a disappointing finish.

The week before the race I did nothing. I was ready enough and there seemed no good reason to aggravate my ailments before race day. My weight had loomed up to it's highest during this week of inactivity. This is mostly because, in an effort to make sure I had enough energy, I made sure I ate more than enough all week long. Not completely logical, as I was just creating more of myself to cart around on the run. But from personal experience, I would say that it's the lesser of two evils. It really sucks to run a race when you're low on fuel. You feel weak, you don't perform well, and, basically, it completely destroys any training you've done. You might as well not train at all. So, despite myself, I ate. Lots. "It's all temporary," I kept telling myself.

Race day came. I didn't sleep very well the night before. I was TOTALLY anxious. Who sleeps well the night before the race? The guy I met the morning of the race does, apparently. His name is Bilal. He flew in for the race from LA. As luck would have it, however, his good night's sleep was thwarted by a crying baby a few hotel rooms away. Tough break.

Bilal happened to be running the marathon, but both races started together. So he and I, since we had struck up a conversation, started running together. He happened to be my exact pace. That was great. We clipped along with great conversation. We discussed different races. We talked about college. We talked about positive energy. He said I had great positive energy. I think he was hitting on me. And as we continued to chat, I mused about how funny it would be if I ever ended up dating a Lebanese accountant from LA who I met at a marathon. We ran together for the first 4 miles until our race courses diverged. Then I was on my own.

My hip had started to notify me that it wasn't feeling the best at mile 3. At mile 4, it notified me a little more loudly. At mile 6.5, it had stopped notifying me. Instead, it started to boycott. I was struggling to keep a smooth stride. The pain in my hip began to make me flinch with the impact of each step on that leg. As I continued to disregard it, the sharp, shooting pains persisted and the flinching became worse. I assessed things in my head and realized I had about 1/2 the race to go. And with a flinching right side, the miles ahead suddenly stretched before me, covering an expanse that was very long, grueling and quite painful. Before, those miles had seemed challenging, fun and surpassable. The reality of my situation was sinking in.

I stopped running and I began to walk. I walked for about a quarter mile. And I thought. I wasn't quite sure what to do at that point. I could walk the 7 remaining miles. It's long. But I'd finish. Eventually.... Some time... In a few hours. I was so disappointed. All the glory and accomplishment I had hoped for seemed unattainable-- keeping my 9 min pace, finishing under 2 hrs, improving -- all I had trained for. And I know I already mentioned this, but I was so disappointed. I think Bilal would have been disappointed too, if he knew. All that work for this? A bum hip and a long walk. Most irksome of all, my muscles weren't even tired yet. It felt like I hadn't worked at all.

Finally, I thought, "Screw the hip. I'm running anyway." I AM aware this makes me sound like I'm as bright as a caveman and quite juvenile. I don't deny either completely. We all have our moments. But logically, the worst prospect was that maybe I wouldn't run for a while. Who cares? My race is today. Not tomorrow. So, I ran. I ran lower to the ground. I ran my toes into the front of my shoes. And I ran more slowly. But soon I ran more confidently. And with a very sharp learning curve, I figured out how to maneuver so that I would cause my hip as little pain as possible. And I ran for the rest of the race. I even was able to put up a bit of a sprint at the end! I ran till I wasn't sure what hurt more: my muscles, my hip or any number of other joints from my waist down. And I finished my race w/ 1:57:38, an 8:59 min mile pace. Booyah!

Two days after the race, I am delighted to report that I have VERY VERY VERY SORE muscles. And I think I avoided permanent damage (The beauty of Fibromyalgia is that, though you may FEEL very wholly and truly injured, you're really not. You just feel that way.). Most happily, I walk ever so gingerly. I proudly hobble down stairs. I joyously (and more ably than going down) ascend stares with a huge lack of grace. And I am quite sure I will lose 3 toenails. I wore sandals to church yesterday and I am wearing sandals to work today, which I never do. But I can't put anything else on my feet at the moment. And I don't care. And next year, I will try to knock my time down to be somewhere below 1:50. Maybe. I think that's doable. We'll see. That'd be sooo cool. Someday I may have feet that will stay nice enough to make a pedicure worthwhile. That day is not today. Can't say I'm too choked up about that.