News About My Twin

They actually gave me a hospital bracelet when I went in for the bibopsy. Evidence that I was an admitted patient, if only for 45 minutes. Bibopsy was Thursday. They called me Friday afternoon with the results of the test.

It's benign! It's a fibro-adenoma, as they suspected. And this fibro-adenoma is apparently harmless and needs no treatment. I really can't express how much of a load off my mind that is. Thanks for thoughts and prayers that were sent my way. I really appreciate it.

The Bibopsy

I went in to the get my bibopsy today. First, I'd just like to say --people who work at breast care centers (which is where I went for my bibopsy) are INCREDIBLY nice. They treat you like they are just delighted to see you and then they cradle you in sweetness. Seriously. I wonder how they keep it up with every patient who walks in. But I like it.

So, I changed into the very awkward gown that they give you at this place (I wore it for the mammogram too). It's like any hospital gown except the tie is in the front, thus risk of exposure is from a VERY different angle. Sitting in their waiting room, I am in danger of exposing myself to random other people who may be in the waiting room pretty much the entire time. This subsequently makes it very hard for me to focus on whatever article I am reading in whatever random magazine I picked up.  

So, for this bibopsy they wanted four tissue samples. I got to watch everything on an ultrasound screen, which I was riveted by. They took this needle and kinda punched at the mass. It mechanically sounded like a powered stapler and I imagine it functioned like a harpoon-equipped whole punch. It punched out a piece of tissue in the mass and then it punched back out of the mass with said tissue. It didn't hurt. But it kind of reverberated in my chest. I wasn't expecting it to be quite that violent of a process (violent in the most gentle sense of the word). 

After the doctor got all the tissue she wanted, she put a piece of metal in there, to mark that they've "been there". They have promised me repeatedly that this little piece of titanium will not set off metal detectors. Heaven forbid if this causes me to get felt up every time I go to the airport. 

They patched me up afterwards  (it was only a 1/8 inch incision so they essentially put a band-aid on it that I have to wear for a week). Then they said I needed to keep ice on it for 15 minutes of every hour for the next day --- at which point, I said, "I'm sorry. You want me to put an ice pack where?"

It made it better when they prescribed that I eat chocolate and watch movies for the rest of the night.

The real comedy was AFTER. I had to stick the ice pack in my bra and then return to work because I had  training session with a guy from the finance dept. on our financial software. And while the ice pack is somewhat small, it's large enough that it makes the girls a little, uh,.. well, you can imagine. I wasn't quite sure what to do about the situation, so I hoped that my clothes (loose shirt and cardigan) made that general area relatively inconspicuous so that said guy from finance would take no notice. Yes. You read that right. I knowingly walked into a meeting with a man who didn't know me from Adam, with sigificantly disproportionate girls, and said nothing, Now that I think back on this, I picture this thing having happened on an episode of the Carol Burnett show or I Love Lucy. Sometimes, life is just funny.

"Yes. Inside the lump was my twin."

Today, my life reminded me of this scene. And it appears they have found my twin.

Truth be told, I went in for a mammogram. It was not as awful as I've heard it would be, but I will concede that I was technically uncomfortable. Who really ENJOYS having their boobs compressed into pancakes? ... I didn't think so.

I notices something amiss back in December. I kind of figured it was nothing. A mass. But nothing. Web MD said so, so that's pretty reliable right? Just kidding.  Considering my family history, and despite my high confidence in diagnosing myself over the internet, I thought it would be prudent to have a professional make a final determination before I cease thinking about it completely.

My first appointment resulted in the doctor also being pretty sure it's nothing, but "considering my family history" they'll ask for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound.

So I was in there today with all their imaging equipment... and the technician... and the doctor. I was lying on a table, looking around at drapery meant to give me privacy. There were pretty, serene pictures on the wall juxtaposed against a very clinical setting. And suddenly, it felt a little different. I wasn't really worried about it before. But now, I'm thinking, "I have a mass". They keep referring to my "mass". They keep investigating this "mass". Compounded by my surroundings it hits me: "I do not think it means what you think it means." (name that movie)

As I sat there I was wondering, "Exactly how often should I anticipate having this view?" I wanted to tell them that their pretty panels on the ceiling with the garden scenery are a nice gesture, but I'm not fooled. "You have failed to mentally transport me to anything that could be confused with a vacation destination."

So far, everyone else agrees that they're pretty sure it's nothing. "Awesome. I was 99% it was nothing too." Sadly, the doctor lacks my level of confidence and only gave me a 98% but, all things considered, I'll happily take it. And I have decided to rename the mass "my twin".

I am writing this post not so much to warn you all that I might be dying (I seriously doubt it), and more so because I'm totally bemused at how something that seemed relatively benign (Admit it. I'm hilarious) suddenly became disturbing and alarming just because professionals acknowledging what I already knew and subsequently made me sit in a medical examination room.

I go for the bibopsy in a couple weeks, so we can all be a little more certain about our suspicions. I'll let you know how it goes -- whether it be my evil twin or just a sweet little companion I get to carry around forever. Maybe they will discover it to has teeth. And a spinal cord. ;)

To Pepsi or Not to Pepsi

Me: I think I need to give up soda. The government is trying to put a tax on it because its so bad for our health. And it has all those preservatives. And football players and athletes don't really drink it because it messes with their performance.
Ben: Why are you always saying you have to give things up completely?
Me: I don't "always" do anything. I said that this time, though. So maybe I just need to drink it less. I drink it like 2-3 times a week right now. So less. I think I should drink it a lot less.

I have never had any inclination in my life to give up things that contain sugar. I love sugar. And I maintain that sugar loves me too. But the questions roll inside my head: "Could I live without soda if it really were that bad?" "Is soda my cigarette?" And then the ultimate question: "Do I really lack that much self control?".The answer to that question in my head is always a resounding, "Yes. I really do lack that much self control." But that's mostly in regards to the idea of sticking to any food restriction or diet. Despite the fact people think I am a healthy eater, I usually eat.. pretty much whatever I want. And the minute I say I can't have something, it kinda makes me want it more.

But soda -- it's only one thing. What about that? Couldn't I deny myself the Pepsi I usually reward myself with after I go to the gym? It's kind of an odd, unhealthy reward for such a good, healthy behavior anyway. Shouldn't I be able to take it or leave it? I wouldn't have to NEVER drink soda... just not on any kind of regular basis. I could do that, right?

Well, I don't know. It's been a week. Though I might not have had any last week either. But it's been deliberate for only 1 week. Last week may have been accidentally soda-free. Today, on my way back from the gym, I had sushi instead of Pepsi. Go figure.

The one thing I don't think I'll get away from -- I really like Pepsi. But maybe I can do without it as a part of my regular drinking regimen. Maybe. Judging by my own confidence in my ability to control my food cravings, if I were a betting woman, I'd give myself another week to go. I'll have accomplished something real if I can actually make it through 4 weeks.

Pepsi, oh Pepsi. Breaking up is so hard to do. I miss you. Boo hoo. Too da loo.

Common Concerns

Lately, I have had lots of concerns running around my head. They are common in that they are becoming frequent and ongoing for me at the moment, so very common to me. Like constant companions, almost. The reason I address these concerns is because I am in a slump of sorts or some kind of funk. I think. I've recently become an extremely low-functioning multi-tasker. I can tell because my bedroom is messy. Maybe I'm in an dysfunctional state of shock. I think back to the period in my life when I used to always keep lists of things to do and I tell myself, "I should do that again." There are two options: 1) this is temporary, or 2) I am headed down a sliding slope to which there is no uphill. I'm not exactly sure what my little slump is caused by. Overwhelmed? Busy? Tired? More importantly, I don't think I should be in and tell myself daily that I need to get out of said slump. But maybe it's only natural. A phase that will pass in its own due course. My current state and constant companions are these:

1. I'm terribly unmotivated to work out lately. This is SO not like me.

2. This means that I am also not feeling very "fit" and like my usual self. (This is especially cause for concern because my wedding dress was just shipped out today from China and I am afraid, if I don't get out of this slump, I may not fit into it by the time it arrives.)

3. I fear this lack of motivation could have some weird subconscious connection to the fact I'm getting married and I will, henceforth, quit working out altogether and gain lots of weight, like a lot of folk do when the get married. But I really don't think so. At least I hope that's not the case.

4. Some things in regards to planning a wedding take a lot longer to do than I thought they would. Who would have thought that getting a ring and picking a photographer would be endeavors that take 2 months? One of the million reasons I could never just up and get married.

5. The dress business -- can we really pull this off in time? Crunch time is coming. We're supposed to have sample dresses within the next month and a half. And we're supposed to sell them. And they're supposed to fit people. And fit the very well. Really? Can we swing that? We have samples to make, fitting of patterns to make sure the samples will be what we want, sample makers with schedules I can't remember, business cards we don't have yet, a fashion illustrator who isn't me so I can't know telepathically how far along she is at any given moment and when she will have our illustrations done, a mind-boggling lack of any previous experience in this line of business... seriously. What was I thinking?

6. If it takes this long to figure out the ring and the photographer, how are we ever going to manage getting to the catering, the cake, the honeymoon, the invitations, the engagement pictures, registering, the bridal shower..... time is not my friend right now.

7. Did I mention I'm turning into human lard right now? Seriously, the tone I've lost in my arm muscles and which has since become "soft tissue" grosses me out. What's that doing there! But I refuse to tell myself I have to work out. There are fundamental problems with that approach to working out. I really have to want to in order to get myself to do it.

8. Interviewing for new jobs... I found out my present boss is crazy and liable to get my entire organization sued at any given moment. This causes me a little bit of concern, so I have opted to look around a little bit, despite the fact I've only been at my present job for 5 months. I have interviews to go to, and positives and negatives to weigh. Then, you throw in the fact Ben keeps on talking about looking for jobs, only his options are in places like Boston and Cincinatti and.... that's just all kind of confusing.

9. I think my brain is on overload and my body has become dysfunctional.

10. I'm afraid my severe lack of attention to detail and random dead-heading and watering without any nutritional supplements to my mother's rose garden may strain my family relationships, specifically with -- my mother.

11. I can't even remember. But I'm sure there's something else to worry about. I'll get back to it.

12. Oh yeah. I remember. They say marriage changes things. But what exactly does it change? My brother says I won't travel so much. Really? And what's all this baby talk people keep throwing around? And all those accounts and documents and stuff that we have to update/notify/consolidate/close/I don't know what. All of that is a bundle of big, gray fuzz to me.

13. Visiting teaching.... right. On it. Oh, darn. I was on it. I'm on it. Darn. Missed it again. Okay, I'm REALLY on this time. Really.

Clearly, there is some stuff that may be cause for stress. But I think, despite the fact I have a few things going on, I should be energetic and, task-oriented and in a go-get-em kind of scheduling mode and fitting in as much as I can. But much of me has become a vegetable of sorts. I could manage more. But I'm on mental sensory overload and instead of rising to the occasion, I'm misfiring and my various systems are malfunctioning and shutting down. Time to reboot. Reboot #@*! it!

The End Of The Trip

Well, our last day in LA was on Wednesday. Jefita and I went to the tradeshow to finish up and stayed there till around 12 or so. Then, we left and went to get some food. Here is where I offer a story of warning.

We went to Los Angolos, across the street from the California Market Center. The food was delicious and the menu had lovely soups and sandwiches and it was pretty heavily trafficked by people who looked like locals, so we thought we were making a good decision. And they gave us olive oil & balsamic vinegar to dip our bread with, which I have always considered a nice perk at a restaurant. I had a veggie sandwich & Jefita had a salad.

Then we went to get pedicures. Wwe only do this in LA. At least so far. I've considered having them done in Utah since I enjoyed the experience so much, but haven't yet. This time, I got a great blackish purple on my toes. And the lady who did them was from Russia and very nice. However, she was the only pedicure lady there, so the process took longer than we anticipated and made us too late to go to the seminar we had planned on going to on how to start a clothing line(which really isn't so bad because up to that point, all the seminars we'd been to had been useless and I've read at least 4 or 5 books on this subject and can't imagine they have anything earth-shatteringly new to add. I'll just go re-read a book if I feel like I need it). So, instead, we headed back to our car to find something else to kill time with. At this point I noticed I was achy absolutely everywhere, I had the chills and my stomach felt terrible.

Male, who is quite familiar with these side effects, has since diagnosed me with food poisoning. I was terrible company for jeff and we didn't have much more than an hour before we should have been leaving for the airport, so we just left early and had mercy on my poor, miserable and pathetic self.

It has kept me company for the past two days, in different phases. It's terrible. The only positive -- I no longer have to worry about any extra pounds I may have gained in LA. Not being able to eat for stomach pains will do that to you. But I think I would have preferred to work the pounds off at the gym. It's really not worth it to do it this way.

So be forewarned. You may not get food poisoning if you go to Los Angolos. But until Wednesday, I've had a stomach of iron. I'm absolutely positive I've eaten food that should have given me food poisoning before and have never gotten it. So, I'm either getting weaker in my old age or they have some crazy food-handling methods in the kitchen at Los Angolos.

Weekly Word: Smoothie

What is a smoothie to you? This past week and a half or so, I have had the ever-challenging task of feeding myself. What to eat is a HUGE topic. Americans everywhere read about it, write about it, think about it..... The effort we must all put into feeding ourselves is a challenge, for many different reasons. Some of us feed too often. Others forget too often (I still haven't figured out how these people do that. I never forget.) Many of us struggle not with how often, but with WHAT to eat. In my case, I have a hard time digesting dairy. And things with lots of oil. I even had a long period of time where I couldn't eat veggies and other "ruffage" type food. I have an aversion to eating a lot of meat. This made about 80% of the food found at the supermarket useless to me and I quickly acquired an aversion to grocery shopping. Freak, I know. The digestive system is a beast. A picky beast.

But alas, I have found a safe haven. I have found this in the beauty and simplicity of "The Smoothie". Healthy. Has Fruit. Has yogurt. I can add "boosts" to it to make it even more healthy. It's got ice (as good as a glass of water), it's cold, and I find it very filling and satisfying. The perfect summer food. I have had one almost every day since my parents left town and have caused me to have to fend for my own meals. All other meals are either grubbed off of somebody else or consist of whatever random things may still be in the fridge and cupboards of my kitchen ( I ate gold fish and ice cream for dinner one night).

I am but a few days shy of reverting back to yesteryears where all I ate was peanut butter & jelly and burritos from the freezer. For months. But I still think it would be worth the price of my cherished smoothie. With using these food rations, I can afford to get my lovely, delectable smoothie pretty much every day and still not spend ridiculous amounts of money on food. In reality, I could go to the grocery store. But then I would have to give up my smoothie.

The Smoothie is my new love for food. It is every wish I have for in a summer meal: sweet, cold, fruity, easy, drinkable, nonfattening, easily digestible, guilt-free, fast, affordable and accessible. It comes in many varieties and the whole fruit kinds are not TOO sweet. MMMMM MMMMM Good. A smoothie is my reason for taking lunch. It is my thirst quencher. It is my tide-me-over happy food till the folks return and actually bring real food around the house.

What's your smoothie?

Being Comfortable with Being a Slacker

Most days, I feel a need to improve myself. I feel a need to work hard. I feel a need to eat healthy, work towards my goals, and seek after my destiny.

Then, some days, I'm just plain tired. I get tired of worrying, I get tired of planning, I get tired of being diligent. Doesn't just the word, "diligent" sound tired to you? Just the thought of it could be enough to make one tired. Being prudent and careful... you're just GONNA get tired. Sometimes, a person needs to relax. And know it's ok to relax. They need a kind of a nap, in more than just the literal sleeping sense of the word. Such is today and yesterday for me. I think I ate 5 rice crispy treats yesterday for lunch (LARGE, home-made rice crispy treats... mmm). And today, 3 of those chocolate-peanut butter eggs accompanied my breakfast. I had no plan to deviate from a healthy eating schedule. And I still don't think I'm overeating and gorging, so I don't feel REALLY bad. Just a little mischievious. :)

The glitch is, I have a 1/2 marathon in 2 weeks, and this is REALLY not the time to pack on a couple extra pounds, as it will just be more for me to cart along on the 13.whatever-it-is mile journey. But one doesn't plan when they need a nap. And I need a nap. So, I am taking one.