Shattered

I was talking with my sister the other day. She is droning through her last few days (we hope) of pregnancy waiting for her new little boy. She already has 4 boys and a girl. They are all adorable. But, clearly, the little female is a minority. I asked my sister if she was happy to be having another boy.

For the record, she's delighted to be having a boy. Slightly detouring from that point, my sister expounded on how she thinks Clara, her daughter, will respond to the baby. We talked a bit about how she is now, with being the only girl. Clara is delightful, cute, a total ham,... Clara is many things. She can be rough and tumble and hold her own amongst her brothers. And she's definitely a girl. She insists on wearing more pink than any three year old I've ever met before. And she doesn't get it from her mother -- her mother hates pink. It's also been determined that she likes being the only girl. And She LOVES my sister. My sister is both mother and, more significantly, the only other girl in the house. Along with this hard to come by quality, however, comes certain consequences. My sister says she notices when Clara gets reprimanded for something, it shatters her completely. And I can imagine why. It is very traumatic to have your one, truly most significant and only constant female friend in the world be upset with you.

I had to smile a bit as we talked about this aspect of Clara, as I think she and I may have this in common. Poor girl. Hopefully she can grow out of it. I don't know that I can.

It's a hard thing when one has to come to terms with oneself. Sometimes my emotions get so big, they start to not fit inside and then start to leak out so that I have no choice but to admit that I have them. Very unfortunate, as I find it's so convenient to just ignore them most of the time. But when they make themselves so darn obvious, ignoring is nigh unto impossible! What's a girl to do?

Well, cry, of course.

My new personal realization: compliments are important to me. Previously, when considering the 5 languages of love, that one was always one of the lower-ranking priorities. I'd almost opted to drop it off the list completely at one point, but then thought better of it and figured all of the languages are probably beneficial to some degree. Due to recent events, it has been determined that compliments should be moved up to a higher status.

Lately, I find myself being in the lot of what I'd like to call "noncompliments." Things like: I'll not like you if you ever cut your hair short, you eat weird food, I disapprove of you when you cook with alcohol, you don't clap enough in performances, when you dress up you make me look bad, you don't vacuum enough, I can't believe you'd DARE to put your hand down the garbage disposal, you're not careful, your outfit is terrible..

I could go on, but it'll just make me sad if I do. I think Male and I have gotten to a place where he is very comfortable. So comfortable, in fact, that he has forgotten to pay attention to the fact that most of what comes out of his mouth is everything he doesn't like about me. They're probably things he was also too polite to say previously. I assume he likes me. And I think he forgets to express this because he probably assumes that I know.

Well, I do know. Despite this, I have been shattered for an entire two weeks, dizzy with all the noncompliments that are swimming around in my head. My one big friend in the world is upset with me. Often. It's some cause for concern that I have so much in common with a three year old.

Who is responsible?

So, I had a phone call from a friend the other day, and everything was fine and normal. We chat pretty much daily, so not much changes necessarily from day to day. However, today, she called, I had absolutely nothing to talk about. As a matter of fact she was busy doing some monotonous task and just wanted to be entertained.

My question I thus pose is, who is responsible to carry the conversation? Is it the person who called or the recipient of the call? Initially, I would assume that the initiator or caller is responsible to 1. have something to talk about, or 2. ask some sort of questions to further the conversation.

Thoughts?

Too much or Too little

So, I have been at work for the whole time of 2 months. Yes, not very long to be at the new job, and already, I am having slight concerns/anxiety attacks. We all know that the balance of too much or too little is a very delicate balance, especially in regards to work. If we have too much work, well, life just isn't very fun now is it. Working all day and all night, and every time in between. (oddly enough, I seem happier there.) Too little and, well I guess this depends on the individual, but I get a little worried. I wonder if there is enough to justify my salary, or me being an employee, or for that matter, is this a sign for me to start looking for a new job.

I do understand that life in the legal field is, well as far as I can tell, completely different than any other field I have been associated with or known about, yet I am sure that there are some basic things that are just the way humans function. However, I find myself in the position of having to ask my boss (I haven't posted where I work have I? ugghhhh!!) regularly, almost every day or two, for more work. I like to pat myself on the back and say that I work more efficiently than he expects, but in reality, that excuse only goes so far.

So, this begs the question, and opens for responses...what do you do? Are there ways to talk with your boss about the work flow and getting more work without being annoying? How do you comfortably suggest that he may not be doing the best job at managing or assigning work? Or should I just leave it as is?

Regardless, this has spurred on the fear/drive/desire to really start looking into bringing in more clientèle. After all, if he isn't going to give me as much work as I would like, than I may as well bring it in myself...now I just have to find that rock that all the clients who need a lawyer are hiding under.

The weekly word: "Definitely"

Well, I am a slacker, loser, and above all lame. I missed our lovely weekly word two weeks ago. Fortunately, my fellow co-blogger is not so slack induced. But alas, I start this week strong!! Strong as an ox awaiting branding....or something like that. Please, please don't brand me, and definitely don't tell someone I have been branded!

Which brings us to the weekly word "Definitely".

In connection with my previous posts of the timeliness of communication, and what that communication means in regards to making plans, we revert to when things are as close to in the present as if they were never a question. Something so solid, that pen isn't even conclusive enough. Go ahead and decorate that calendar page! Break out those markers. Bathe in the myriads of stickers which will adorn the wonderful calendar date which has been confirmed with the word "Definitely."

When working out plans to see movies, fly to europe, hang at the park, or walk the dog, there are few words which should convey the amount of conviction, dedication and resoluteness that the word Definitely entails. Now, depending on the type of person you are, and the type of plans being made, this type of commitment should not be given too far in advance.

Obviously things such as travel usually require a little more planning than average, but I would not give a definitely until you are ready to buy tickets, or have already taken the days off of work. In regards to movies, put the money on the table baby, cause we're going, so don't commit until you know you can commit. There are many other terms that could be used, like "Maybe", "Probably", "Hopefully", or phrases such as, "Planning on it." (See past and future weekly words to determine the appropriateness of each term.)

Now, if you are canceling a definitely, and don't do so unless you are willing to withstand the fires of hell or the near death of your mother, the first and utmost priority is not to call the individual. This is not like the others where a phone call as early as possible is necessary. Canceling a definitely requires thought, contemplation, and above all, presents. Yes, that's right folks, presents are deserved when making someone cross out all those hearts, starts, and balloons on their calendar. The size of the present is obviously determined in conjunction with the amount of planning and the amount of reliance by the lost and forlorn party, left to wander the streets with whipped cream on their nose and nobody to wipe it off. That candied cherry stem tied in a not left alone and unnoticed to drown the remaining pool of liquid ice cream. Oh, THE HORROR!!

So, what are we looking at for presents? It could be something as simple as a chocolate the next time you see them. Maybe even some flowers, or a combination of all of the above if a bigger event. Remember, no present and you might not be invited next time. Your status of the definitely will be translated by the receiver as a maybe, and next thing you know, they aren't showing up, you aren't showing up, and you may as well have not made plans in the first place. Take 'em out of your phone book, delete them from speed dial, cause it's over baby. That's right, O-V-E-R over!

So, to prevent some wonderful, meaningful relationships from ending, use the word definitely with due caution, and if cancelled...bring presents.

Youth....how young our minds really are.

I was just having a little thought to myself. I am working on an issue in a big class action suit going on way away on the other side of the nation, and it got me thinking about a movie that I not too recently saw. North Country. That movie still amazes me at its recounting of history, and unfortunately, how representative it is of society.

To think that the first sexual discrimination class action suit was filed in 1988 (it became an actual class action suit in 1991). This gives us a whole 20 years since courts looked at sexual harassment as a class or group issue, and not dealing with specific instances. That isn't a whole lot of time for something of this magnitude to really sink in and change society. Let's not forget that the Civil Rights movement of the 1960's is still trying to permeate society in any real lasting effects.

I'm not even talking about how this has affected the issues we regularly have to deal with in regards to interaction between the genders in the work place, or even out of the work place. It just isn't that long of a time frame.

With this all being said, it makes me think about our minds and how young they really are. After all, a mind is only as mature as the thoughts entertained inside of it. Some young persons are extremely mature for their age, because of the depth and insight they have of seemingly "mature" calculations. In the 1920's no one would have thought that people thinking a women's place was only in the home baking bread was immature, sexist, or in any relation unacceptable, yet, here we are, applying the principles of agency to more and more of an individuals identity, yet I am sure that we are not applying it to many other facets.

I wonder what we will be thinking in 20, 30 or 40 years? Will we have expanded our notions of applicability of agency, or will we have regressed (my opinion of regression here deals only with the applicability of agency, not the choices made in that application). I am sure there are millions of things that I do that are demoralizing, minimizing or in some way confining of another individuals application of agency, yet am unaware or purposefully ignorant. What things do you think we are mentally immature about?

Visiting Disclosures!

So, I had some childhood friends and their spouses "pop" by for a visit the other day, and it was really good to see them, but in conversation with my fellow co-blogger, and in getting my panties in a ruffle over seemingly small and infinitesimal lapses in communication, I thought, what do you need to do in order for a visit to go smoothly?

Well, first and foremost, I think you need to say when you are coming. To say that you are coming for a visit could mean between now and the next decade, or post death. I don't know, but sometimes I have horrible nightmares about the dead coming to visit, and I don't want you to worry about fulfilling your promise to come visit me and risk me having a heart attack after seeing you in your ghoulish form.

Second, one needs to state who is coming. This can be interesting, problematic, and something I always took for granted. Who comes by and doesn't say who is coming by. Is it you? You and your spouse? You and fifty friends? If you tend to walk around in your underwear, or maybe with a facial mask on so you look like a blue alien, it would be nice to know that your kindest, sweetest most loving closest friend who has seen you like that and worse a million times is bringing by her brand new beau and the beau's really cute friend. After all, do you want to have to have a follow-up conversation disclaiming "I don't always look like a blue alien, and that holey, stained and discolored underwear fraying at the edges wasn't really left behind or stolen from my ex beau, that was just a funny little joke...ha ha." Bleh...that was horrible even typing it!

It is also important to inform the person you are visiting, what you are bringing with you. "What" should be interpreted as broadly as possible. In other words, you should also include if you are bringing any pets, mutants, deaf dumb or blind relatives who you think are insignificant, not impositional, or follow you around so much that you forget they are there. Also disclose any noxious gasses, influenzas or other sicknesses, lice, mice, fleas, and other small little critters which may decide to follow you or your famous "X" around despite your best efforts. I won't get into what needs to be disclosed or brought when visiting for a specific event, i.e. dinner, birthday, manage e trois, etcetera etcetera etcetera, but that should all be disclosed when coming for a visit.

Next, any and all desires should comfortably, without imposition, and almost begging, be clearly enunciated. This can include, "I would love to see your photo," to "would you play me your new song," all the way to "Can we roll around in the grass and stuff ice cubes down each others shorts so we look like we wet our pants?" Obviously there is give and take, with a touch of flexibility rolled into every visit and interaction. But if you know ahead of time that you would like something or to do something, aka can I sleep over? to I want to see X movie should be given a fair warning, or at a minimum no depression, complaining or infringement upon relations due to an inability or desire to fulfill said requests, demands or desires.

Lastly, alterations and changes to the planned visit should be communicated as quickly as possible, or at a minimum, before you are departing to arrive at said meeting place. The reason is, you may not know how your changes or alterations affect the other person. Although it may be something as minuscule as "I decided to wear my blue shirt instead of the yellow one." What if your dearest closest friend was counting on you to wear the yellow one because you have the exact same shirt in blue, and she is wearing the blue one. Might be a bit silly don't you think? It could also be as significant as "I feel ugly, fat and depressed and don't want to see anyone else by you," after you've decided autonomously that bringing along a new friend was just a peachy idea. So communicate everything you know as soon as you know it, after all, you are all friends.

Alas, that should make for a comfortable visit with even the most tenuous of relationships. Visit long, visit often, and make sure you disclose.

Communicating with the opposite sex

Communication with the opposite sex is probably the most over written, understudied, lack of thought and teaching applied subject in the existence of the written language. And yet, it still irks, me, still drives me crazy, and yet I still come back for more later.

It is clear that girls and boys communicate differently, but do they? I often wonder if it is more that people desire different things, but they don't necessarily communicate what they really want, or may not know what they really want.

I have often thought, and I think it appears more and more to be true, that women have no clue what they want. Life is like a big bowl of cherries, and they want them all until they have stomach cramps and have to run to the bathroom. And then, a few weeks down the road, they decide they don't want cherries at all.

In the last several months/years/decades, I have had my fair share of time withe women, girls, and people of the opposite sex. One thing I have noticed is the difference is not that they communicate differently, but that they communicate at all. We all know that when a woman or man for that matter, really wants something, they make sure that they communicate it, or they get it themselves. I have never had a girlfriend who thought something was really important and did not voice it in a way that she knew I was definitely going to understand.

But all of the sudden, you get in a relationship, and you are supposed to be telekinetic. Next thing you know, I am getting brain waves about what that person wants/needs/desires. Hello, it doesn't work that way. If you want something say it.

But what seems all to common, is that a girl doesn't know what she wants, and loves it when she gets what she wants, and is upset when you guess and you get it wrong, because you don't hit that magic button even though she couldn't tell you what that magic button is, and may be only able to tell you what that magic button isn't.

Truth be told, this can probably apply to both sexes, but I more often than not come across it with girls, and all too often with girls I date.

So, communication, it isn't that the sexes communicate differently, it is more that when a guy wants something, he usually just says it, and if it wasn't worth saying, than it wasn't worth having. If a girl wants something, she jumps up and down, does a few cart wheels, and hopes that you recognized that she just requested dinner at some lovely restaurant in the mountains with an apricot souffle for dessert. No souffle, no happy!

Weekly Word, "Okay"

Here's a few scenarios for you:

1) You invite me to your house one evening. I arrive and ring your doorbell. You come to the door in a very timely manner and invite me in. Upon my entering, you ask if I would like something to drink. I respond, "I'm okay. But thank you."

2) You're on a date with your boyfriend. This evening is one of the rare occasions when you actually paid for the movie tickets. Before the movie, your boyfriend discloses the fact he didn't have dinner. After the movie, you ask your boyfriend if he's hungry. He responds, "I'm okay. I've got food at home."

3) A good friend comes by your house on his way home from class. It is an evening class, and the friend commutes to class from his home which is about an hour away. He arrives just as you are about to go out with another friend for a previous engagement. He looks exhausted. You ask your friend if he would like to sleep in your spare room, as he looks really tired and you'll be home in a bit. The friend says, "I'm okay. Just wanted to stop by and say hello."

In each of these cases, the term, "okay" is very vague. It's a politician's answer to an uncomfortable question. In each of these scenarios, whether or not the person is okay wasn't even the question! So why do people answer with it? We all wonder the real reason. Case in point, let's look back over the previously mentioned scenarios. In many of these situations, what the person really meant is hard to say. We are all left to guess and explore the possibilities.

In scenario one, the meaning of "okay" could be any number of things, such as:

1) I'm not thirsty

2) I don't want to trouble you

3) I don't trust your glasses because the last one I had at your house was dirty

In scenario two, the meaning of "okay" could be:

1) I have leftover pizza at home and I REALLY want to eat it because leftover pizza is my favorite food in all the world.

2) I left my wallet in the car because I didn't think I'd need it since you paid for the tickets, and I don't want to make you pay for dinner because I'm the boy and you're the girl.

3) My laundry should be done by now and I'd like to get home as fast as possible so it doesn't get that sour smell.

In scenario three, the meaning of "okay" could be:

1) I feel weird being in your house without you, even if I will just be sleeping there.

2) I have somewhere to be early morning, so I need to get home.

3) I really just came by to say hello. I did that. Now I'm outty.

4) Actually, I came over hoping for a booty call and since you won't be home, I have no reason to stay.


See how much we leave to a person's imagination when we use "okay"? Now, some of these responses are things we would never say. At least most of us wouldn't. Even if they were true. In which case, it may be best for you to be vague and say "I'm okay."

But what if you were offered a glass of water and your real reason for declining is "I'm not thirsty." Do you want to make the host wonder if perhaps you are too considerate to trouble her? Many hosts, in this case, are compelled to repetitively try to entice you and offer you a drink, just to make sure. Or she may wonder if you don't care for her lack of attention to detail in dish washing. Do you really want to cause this kind of undue stress to your host? Even more so, if you turn down your friend for a soft bed when you're tired, do you want her to be bouncing back and forth about whether it was for a booty call? Or perhaps she thinks what you really needed was to "TALK" and she is worried she isn't being there for you when you need her.

My advice in using "Okay" is that if it is possible, without causing offense, be honest and clear in your reasons. It leaves out the vague guessing game . On the flip side, when it may be more appropriate to leave things to vaguery (say, in the case of really not approving of your friend's attention to detail in dish washing), please feel free to say "I'm okay." I think, in that case, it's better to leave a question than to leave no doubt. Nonetheless, whenever possible, be specific. As with most terminology and wording, please careful in your choice of words, and use "okay" only when appropriate.

The Weekly Word: "Sooner"

So, in my dating extravanganza, (It really isn't so extravagant, and there is definitely no ganza going on) I have come across the all too often situation of trying to figure out when to plan date number 2,3,4,5, etc. Although when you are a student and life is fairly up to your own making, once you hit the professional world, things are not the same. There is a schedule which you have to adhere to, and then there is the all too often pop ups, which you didn't plan on, and as a religious individual, we have the all so fun regular and sometimes unexpected church duties, meetings and obligations.

So, you are left to finding two individuals that have competing schedules, trying to navigate the all to common waters of....do I like you? Which leads to the question of, well, when do I see you next? And the common response I have often after a date is "Sooner rather than later"

So what does that mean? Well, I guess we could start out that Sooner is not later. Later being a longer time than sooner, yet both being undefined and left to interpretation.

If you were in law, you would rely on one of those funny things called precedent. Precedent is when you have a series of actions or judgments of the same terminology or situation, and how they were treated previously.

So that makes it interesting, I look at how we have scheduled "outings" or dates before. It seems that there might be a toughie. We have scheduled things eh, more likely later rather than sooner. Sometimes it is over a year between our dates, but recently it has been roughly a month or more between dates.

So, in that situation, sooner rather than later could mean a month in between is sooner, and a year in between is later. Wow, that is a long time, and despite precedent that doesn't seem conducive to the event scheduled.

Which leads us to then a common mans understanding of what sooner rather than later means. My suggestion would lead me to believe that sooner means less than a month, but more than a week. Somewhere in between that time of I want to see you again to the point of spending every waking minute, and the, we'll see each other whenever we have the urge or feel like it. There is more of an urgency in sooner than the lackadaisical approach of whenever I get a free moment, but actually looking for a free moment.

So, that leads me to the one and a half and 3 week timeframe. I doubt that unless I was the president or that busy, as in the book "He just isn't that into you," (which all individuals should read), a month in between dates is not sooner. We are not so busy that we couldn't find time within a month to schedule something.

The one and a half to three week timeframe leaves enough space to accomplish whatever it is that you have eating at you to get done, yet schedule one evening where you can plan on meeting up. Obviously it is more difficult in bringing to persons busy schedules together, but it isn't that hard. If nothing else, in that time frame the planning should have at least begun. Or at a minimal contact made.

So, what am I to glean from this sooner rather than later exchange? My assumption is that either my definition of sooner is very different from hers, or "She just isn't that into me!"