Touchy Subject II - Homosexuality and the Mormons

So, after a conversation with Sharona, I have decided to post a follow-up, which will probably need a further follow-up from the less confrontational, more practical, and more mild-mannered of the two of us.

So, in preparing for this lil' post, I watched the video of the speech from the Oscar's Sharona referred to, read various statements that the church has put out (this was interesting) and reflected on several conversations I have had with people, whom I would love to call my friends, who I care deeply about, but the relationship feels strained and somewhat superficial. We fail to include each other in our most intimate and deepest circles of life and friendship. There is a consistent ebb and flow of going from no contact to a bit more contact, but never really regular heartfelt, bare your soul, dependence for the last breath of sanity contact. And therefore, despite my sincerity with them and more than likely their sincerity in a relationship with me, they are more likely my acquaintances, despite years of long relationships and emotion. I presume there are several reasons why they are not, which I hope to elaborate on, and hope that maybe this will spur thought as to how that reality can potentially change. Before I launch into my tirade....please be aware that these are my thoughts and not the thoughts of Sharona, the LDS church, your dog Sue, or the neighbor's uncle Frank.

Now, for all the mormons and non-mormons reading this (which I presume there are few.......of both), I should probably give a brief disclaimer/bias notification. 1. I am a mormon, and arguably an active mormon at that. 2. I am a very liberal mormon, but more likely than not, a fairly conservative member of society. 3. I am a very large (and often vocal) gay rights supporter. 4. I'm straight, which means there are things that I am sure I do not and can not identify with in non-straight communities, and 5. I'm single, which means that in many people's religious goggles, I shouldn't be treated very differently than gay men (or women for that matter) within the church.

So, homosexuality and the mormons is a huge topic, and I won't address even a small fraction of it. I'm not here to argue or comment on the religious topic of whether homosexuality is right or wrong, nor what the result is in the heavens after we die. Those topics are for people that wish for and/or have far greater insight, authority, and wisdom than myself. What I wish to address are the every day factors in our lives as we go to church that I assume and expect divide gays and mormons both within the walls of the church building and without.

For starters, I think it would be unfair to not point out the seemingly small yet relatively large steps the mormon church (or the church for short) has taken to change at a minimum its public relations standpoint in regards to gays, and some of me would argue along with it, its official and unofficial policies. While the church has not, nor do I suspect it will, change its stance in regards to homosexuality and eternal salvation, it has left certain practices (both documented and undocumented) and rhetoric. More and more the leaders are preaching acceptance of the individuals, rarely are they preaching change the individual (as indicated by the link I posted earlier), and even more rarely are they picking sides in relation to nurture vs. nature.

That being said, any time homosexuality and gay rights is brought up to mormon friends or related, our first response is to recite some scripture, explore passages from the proclamation on the family, or give some other explanation or opinion as to the eternal truths of life. However, what often escapes our thought process, our deliberations, and our exchanges, is are they accepted as people? what opportunities do they have in our community? do we understand the issues involved?

I know as a straight male that happens to be single, and a bit out of that sweet spot of happy mormon marriageville, I find interaction within the mormon community to be intimidating at best, unwelcome more often than not, and my views and opines discredited as common place (maybe that is a reflection of my uneducated and often gregarious mindset!). And if that is my initial feeling of acceptance as a fairly commandment abiding, church going, tithing paying, single male, with more theoretical concerns within the church than practical, I can only imagine the degree to which someone who is gay feels those exact feelings amplified exponentially, not withstanding the impressions, feelings, and receptions I do not experience and have no insight into.

And so the question is then begged, what can be done to make people feel as though they are "beloved children of god"? Let's get off of our high horses for a second. We all sin. We probably all know people that have had sex outside of the bonds of marriage, both gay and straight. Yet we definitely treat people that are gay much differently than we treat people that are straight and knockin boots on a saturday afternoon! We know people that steal (and oh my, maybe we have stolen a piece of gum back when we were kiddies), we know people that don't pay their tithing, we know people that smoke, we know people that drink, we know people that lie, we know people that cheat, and by all means, we may even know people that commit fraud, have shot someone, were in a motorcycle gang, whatever. Yet they come to church, and as long as they are straight, hip hip hooray, they have a hope of changin' their ways. If they are gay....have you read the proclamation on the family? Did you know that it is an abomination before god? Are we trying to convince ourselves or them?

The discussion and the exchange has to be what can we do different so that, in light of the gospel truths which mormons accept not changing, people that are gay can be happy, accepted, and integrated into a mormon community. I am not a big debater on the nature vs. nurture topic. I find that I have met people on both sides of that spectrum, for some I believe it is choice, and for others I believe it is their natural attraction.

Whether attraction can be changed over time or not, I have no idea, but I do know that it doesn't matter as to my approach, thought process, interaction with, or desire to be friends with people that are gay. As a matter of fact, probably to the chagrin of the church leadership, I have been known to go to gay bars (and non-attraction based ones all the same), I have a tendency to enjoy hanging out with friends of mine that are gay, bi-sexual, and straight, and yet no way in the world would I probably feel comfortable saying to a gay friend of mine.... "Hey, why don't you come hang out with me and a bunch of church members." Maybe I am selling them short, but if I am approached with trepidation (and I have been in my ward since I was a kid, and since returning have been here for 2 years), I can only imagine the responses to the question and answer....are you married? No, I'm gay, but I've been with my boy/girlfriend for the last (fill in time period here).

Reflect to your conversations with members of your ward, and think about how many conversations go beyond your kids, your spouse, who you are dating (if you are single...if you are married....shame on you! :) ), etc. Now, I'm not saying that those are bad things to think or talk about, but if someone around you is gay, how likely are they to feel that this particular conversation is one that they can participate in, feel welcomed in, or not feel in some way excluded? I know that with several members of my congregation, the majority of the conversations they have with me are, who am I dating? When am I getting married? and if there are big no's to both of those, what am I doing to change that! Oh how I love mormonism....and it really is its own ism!

So, how is my picture going? Have I painted a good one? I feel I may be short on colors, but I'm trying to do the best I can with this stupid pencil I have in my hand! ;)

I think this question begs a better discourse...it begs more introspection into biases, fears, and self-perceptions, it begs for honesty with ourselves and others, it begs for the consideration and contemplation to come up with better answers, because guess what honey, the current ones aren't cuttin' it.

To believe or To not believe....the audacity of it all!

So, I went to church today.....shocker shocker. Yes, I know it isn't really that much of a shocker.

Anyways, I had a rather interesting conversation with a teacher o' mine about Atheism and Believers. Now prior to entering into a diatribe on the discussion, a few definitions of religiosity will be primarily divulged for the purposes of this conversation. If you don't like my definitions, well, take it up in the comments.

1. Believer - someone who believes in the existence of an almighty being, or superior power (we won't get into, in this post what that superior power is, or who that superior power is.)

2. Knowers - someone who professes to "Know" or have a surety of knowledge of a supreme being, superior power, etc.

3. Agnostic - someone who does not know whether or not there is a superior power, but also does not think that someone can know, or at minimum that they cannot know.

4. Atheist - someone who professes to "Know" or have a surety of knowledge that there is no such thing as a supreme being.

So, with that being said (and mind you, these are crude defintions) I'll launch into the philosophical discussion and how I have come to believe that Atheists, based purely on philosophical reasoning, are completely pompous and arrogant a**es!

So, I would say that the majority of people that read this blog are Believers, and maybe there are a few Knowers, and possibly we have an agnostic or two in the mix....that is if Sharona reads this blog (just kidding). Anyways, the premise is on that a believer, believes that something exists, but does not have a sure knowledge one way or the other, and the flip is an agnostic.....most people are ok with that in some way shape or form. Then there are the extremes, the Knowers and the Atheists. now, to know something exists, is to have a relatively specific knowledge of a certain person, place, or thing. For instance, I know (well, I won't get into what to know is and is not, but for these purposes, it is to have a surety of knowledge as is physically possible, leaving wiggle room for the very fact that we are all human and our knowledge is limited)....I digress....I know that I am in my bed typing on a laptop at 12:56am on a Sunday night, which was a fast sunday, and whereby I attended sacrament meeting. Some Knowers claim to know the supreme being with the same amount of surety as I have that I went to church. Now, becuase I do not know all things and because I am inclined to believe them, I therefore believe that it is possible.

Now take the role of the Atheist. Not only do they not believe that Knowers "know" what they claim to have knowledge of, but also that Believers are also vastly mislead in their delusional adherence to illogical bemusements of a flacid intellect. Moreover, they believe that they know that there is no supreme being. Now to believe a finite thing, is to claim to have a limited knowledge or belief, as in a belief that there is a supreme being. But to claim that none exists, how can one claim that none exists, save one is all knowing, and that one knows all things and comprehends all things to such an extent that there is no supreme being.

I can tolerate the non-believer, and I can tolerate the believer. I can even tolerate the aethist to a certain degree....but that doesn't change the fact that the Aetheist must claim to know more than I believe it is possible to know. I can handle that someone claims they do not believe in a supreme being...but to be able to claim that one does not exist and cannot exist, depends on someone having the knowledge that they understand all things enough to know there is nothing else.

In other words, it is far more presumptious to claim that something does not exist than to claim that something does exist, or you believe it does exist...for to believe that something does exist one must simply have an inkling of knowledge or a sign of existence in one direction or the other.

Similarly to believe that something does not exist, one must simply have an inkling of knowledge or a sign of non-existence.

Moreover to know that somehting exists, one must simply konw of a surety of a small fact....that there is a supreme being.

However, for one to claim to know that something does not exist, one must be prepared and have the knowledge that there is no feasible way for a supreme being to exist. That they must have searched through all the canals of knowledge and depths of contemplation to know that there is nothing there, for they cannot find it in any place whereby they look to prove its existence.

Anyways, that was a tangent in Sunday School, which all that know me, know I thorougly enjoyed it.

Ciao!

Change

Yesterday was a day of great change. I had to work all day (it was the last day of Sundance. Thank goodness it's over), but that didn't stop things from changing. For one, they released the bishopric in my ward. Having grown up in the church, I should be used to this. The role of bishop was always changing hands from one friend of my parents to another. This one makes me really sad though. For one, it's the first ward where I've really worked closely with the bishopric, having served as the R.S. President for a while. It's also the first ward I've stayed in for longer than 6 months since I left my home ward in NJ. And the bishop, Bishop Ashby, was just the coolest, most down-to-earth, nonjudgemental, caring, wise and admirable person. I really adore him. And his wife. I was her visiting teacher for a long time. What a great couple. They're great. And now they won't be in the ward anymore. How sad for me. And though the new bishop will do a wonderful job, I'm sure, I am anticipating having a very hard time adjusting to the switch. I just feel a little robbed.

In another change of leadership, President Hinckley passed away yesterday. It's a bit silly that he was 97 yrs old and I still didn't see it coming. I saw it coming last year when he gave what sounded like a goodbye speech at General Conference. But not this year. And then it just happened, just like that. But I'm not quite as sad about that. I feel a lot like my sister-in-law mentioned, in that I am sure he is delighted to be reunited with his wife. He seemed to really miss her. You can't help in delight over a joyous reunion, even if it's your loss. He and his excellent handling of church affairs and all his wisdom will be missed. Sometimes I have mixed feelings about the policies of the Church and don't know quite what to think when the Church makes some kind of announcement about its opinion on various political issues. As a whole, however, I would have to say that I believe President Hinckley has lead the Church marvelously in a very tricky time.

Mormon Funerals

The other day my S.O., whom we shall name "Girl", had her grandfather pass away. It was the first time she has ever lost a close family member, and from what I could tell, the only time she had ever been to a funeral.

We chatted about it a bit, and it brought to mind the differences between Mormon funerals and non-mormon funerals in the United States and probably Europe as well. Please bear in mind that these are generalities and I am sure there are groups that do not share a majority of qualities with either one.

From my experience, which is fortunately not a plethora of trips to the funeral home, Mormon funerals have a bit of a sad longing to them, but more often than not, are surprisingly upbeat. There are those staples of food that seem to show up no matter where you are, but in Utah especially you have the jello with vegetables mixed in (how can you eat that stuff?), something called funeral potatoes, some sort of dinner roles, and of course the beloved watered down drink mix.

Mormon funerals usually take place in the chapel, where there will be a short service. I think it is quite common to have a viewing shortly before the service in the Relief Society room, as Mormons don't adhere to the traditional have a viewing for 2 or 3 days at a funeral home idea. Once at the funeral site, a short prayer, a few words of wisdom, and then we all depart for the cultural hall where the aforementioned food is eaten. It is here where the spirits are generally upbeat, a lot of chatter, kids running around crazy, and whatever else is going on.

Mormons don't usually wear all black. If you wear it to church, you can probably wear it to a Mormon funeral (unless of course you go to church in sandals and a tank top.) Overall, most people oddly enough come back feeling like they had a pretty good time. Odd, but true. You don't look forward to a funeral, but more often than not, Mormons get all excited about the people that they will see that they haven't seen in so long more so than the fact that anyone has actually passed away. Odd? I say probably, but it has a lot to do with Mormons not viewing death as such a horrible thing (although we do miss dearly those that pass.) but as a stepping stone.

From my experience, non-mormon funerals are awfully depressing. Often there is a viewing for a few days at a funeral home. Then the service will take place in a church somewhere or the funeral home. If in a church, it is often with some sort of mass. Please wear black, as everyone does, and for some reason there is no color allowed. That bright pink shawl you have been waiting to wear? Keep waiting!

Often times there will be some sort of a reception afterwards, but no loud laughter, children are almost forbidden to attend, and well, conversations are subdued. People are gentile and nice, but as can be understood, not in the slightest happy.

One funeral experience I had, I will never forget. As the casket was lowered, each person would go up and take a trowel full of dirt and throw it on top of the lowered coffin. Some also throw flowers. It was the oddest experience.

If you can picture it in your mind, you walk up to this hole in the earth, where the casket has just been lowered. There is that fake green carpet/grass laid around the grave, and a container of dirt on a pedestal with a trowel in it. As you walk up, it is almost impossible not to look down and see the myriad of things that have been thrown down there by people before you, small mementos, flowers, and piles of dirt. As you grasp the cold handle of the trowel and scoop up some dirt, you throw it down to hear a "thud" echoed out from the grave.

One of the most depressing experiences I have had at a funeral. I felt like I personally was burying them for eternity in that little hole with dirt on top of them, and I don't even believe it, but the actions were so pronounced and strong that the experience has stayed with me all these years.

Anyways, so yes, that is my impression of the differences between Mormon and non-mormon funerals. If you think I am wrong, or would like to add something that I may have forgotten, feel free to comment along!

P.S. Girl is doing quite well