Positives and Negatives

Yesterday was a very mixed day. Clothes, relationships, and the adventures inside my head.

I start off my day by waking up reasonably on time and trying to dress myself in something smart, flattering, comfortable and quick. I fall back on a thoughtless but well-put-together outfit I have worn several times before. No art, creativity or trying on required. It's like a microwave meal, only involving clothes.

With all the money I've spent on clothes and the good fashion sense I've been cursed with that encourages me to spend money on clothes, I have come to believe there is no reason or excuse on any given day for being schlumpy, half-put-together, dowdy, marmish or anything of the like. Not to say that it never happens. But I try to be cognizant and avoid it. It just doesn't feel good to be schlumpy. And when you have clothes that aren't, why would you wear the ones that are? It makes no sense.

My fashion sense has become much improved over the years. Even recently. I had a ghastly habit in my early, early 20's to dress more like I was in my 30's and 40's. This is because anything else cute and flattering was an article of clothing that either made me look like I should be working the corner near a nightclub or like I was 14 yrs old. I have since looked harder and found things more age appropriate and fashionable. I have also watched several episodes of What Not To Wear. Great tips there! But it's been a difficult quest. They don't make a lot of clothes for 20-something professionals. Add in the quest for modest clothes and..., well...., I imagine YOU shop too. If you're female or have shopped with a female, you know what I'm talking about and can sympathize.

Anyhow, I get ready quickly and go to work. During work, I off-handedly decide I need to take a lunch break (I don't usually take a lunch break). I leave and go to the clothing store where I work part-time, as they are having an employee sale that day. Clothes shopping -- one of my favorite past-times.

Except it hasn't been as of late. I still haven't lost the 5 extra pounds I gained from my marathon training. Body image has suffered, admittedly( but my bank account balance has benefited immensely.). I realize, logically, I'm still not overweight. So, it's not that bad and the pounds should not upset me as much as they do. I think to myself, "If I go try on clothes today, I might be more pleased with how they look than I think." I try on jeans, jeans, and more jeans ( I do believe our clothing store has the largest selection of jeans in the country.) I settle on a pair of very dark wash Genetic Denim, straight leg. They look cute, sophisticated, and almost formal. They fit surprisingly well, even around my middle where clothes tend to pinch me and give me a muffin top. And at seventy-five percent off, I am completely satisfied with the bargain. But I still don't feel cute.

Hmmm... oh well. Back to work. Work passes, blah, blah. Nothing very eventful. Ok, not true. A car DID crash into the window of one of the apartment buildings we own. That made things interesting. But that's neither here nor there. Back to my day.

At the end of my workday, I decide to go to the gym. It'll make me feel better for sure. Right? Maybe not. It's been my increase in exercise and training that's made me add the extra pounds. In that respect, the gym is like my nemesis. What to do? Alas, I love running too much. Off I go. At the end of my workout I'm gladder for it. Just as I suspected.

I go home and shower and think what to do next. I should eat. But at the moment I've decided food is my nemesis. It's the last thing I want to think about. Clean the house? Maybe. Do the dishes? I could.... Ooh, but wait! Even Better! I remember I still have my gift card for Nordtrom's I got off Ebay. Off to The Rack I go, for more clothes shopping. I can clean house after the stores close. That's much better time management. I'm so smart.

I start to think and realize my artless effort this morning has been a theme lately. I don't put any imagination into my wardrobe. I hate that. So maybe I need some new clothes....hmmm.... Yes, that's it. Of course, "need" is relative. My closet is absolutely not lacking in fullness. I could clothe an entire village in Ethiopia. But it's a new season and my closet is full of winter. It's SUMMER, for heaven sakes! I've already missed an entire season!

I am so good at justifying shopping. Too good. I go to The Rack and I try on a bunch of stuff. Ah! Detriment of all detriments -- I find several cute tops. Tops are exactly what I need. I don't seem to be at all in the mood for shoes, thankfully, so I don't bother perusing the shoe section. I grab a white handbag. That's light and springy. Check out. Done. The handbag's too expensive. I'd rather put the money towards a digital camera. I'll return it later. Maybe.

What next? I think I'll call Male. I have been seeing Male almost every day lately. And I have been liking seeing Male that often. And I'm kinda worried because I am happier and happier about he and I. Do I want to be happy about he and I? What if we never break up?!?! We might get married..... AH! And to add to my distress, I'm starting to see all the reasons we fit together well rather than all the reasons we might not. I knew I should have broken up with him months ago. I can't very well do it now. I like him too much. Crap. Talk about problems.

I wonder if I shouldn't call Male. Maybe he'd like a night off from me. But I've noticed he typically is the one to call me when we get together. I'll call him just to mix it up a bit. If he doesn't want to do something that's ok. I call, but he's not there. I call again and leave a message. As I start to drive out of the parking lot, I am about to pass the dollar theaters in the strip mall. Hmm... that could be fun. Watch a movie or do dishes? Hmmm...

Hello movie! I was on a flight recently where they were showing Bridge to Terabithia. I had really wanted to see it. But the flight was only an hour long. They were just showing previews. Cruel of them, I think. But wadda ya know!?!? It's playing at the theater tonight, and the next showing starts in 20 minutes. Off to the movies I go. Yes, I realize it's uncool to go to movies by myself. And I hadn't bothered to put make-up on after I showered from the gym. I shouldn't be galavanting about in public. But, honestly, I don't really care.

I sit in the theater and wait for the show to start. The theater is relatively empty. No surprise there. I'm watching a PG movie at 9:30 on a Tuesday night. Who does that? Apparently I do. I keep my silenced phone around in case Male calls.

In my little chair, in the row I have all to myself, I think back to previous relationships. Things were so frustrating. Neither of us seemed to be in sync. I didn't feel at home in those relationships. I was out. He was in. Then I was in. Then he was out. I felt nervous, tense, guarded... even needy. I hated that. Feeling all that. Glad not to feel that right now.

I check my phone and to my delight, Male just called. I leave the theater quickly and call him back to invite him to the movie. The movie will be starting in a few minutes, it's very last minute and I know the chances of Male coming are very small, but it would be fun to have him there, so I ask anyway.

Male shows up just about 10 minutes after the movie starts. He sits down and I quickly (and quietly) recap what he's missed. I put my head on his shoulder, which makes me a million times more happy and comfortable, and revel in the fact he came so quickly to spend time with me and watch a movie he knew nothing about. I didn't think he'd come, so it makes it an added treat. That worked out so well. Amazing!

After the movie, I think about what to tell Male about my day. I think about telling him my trauma in dealing with my 5 residual pounds. Scratch that. Bad idea. He'll think I'm silly. And I know he doesn't care about the 5 pounds. Why do I care about them? I just need to think more positively and not beat myself up. But if I do that, then I won't get rid of the 5 pounds because I'll start to really think I don't need to lose them, when I'd really look better if I did. Wait a minute? Rewind. Am I actually afraid of too much positive thinking because then I might believe the positive thinking?

I am most definitely a warped individual. Yup. Very warped. In the future, I will contemplate the effects of potentially believing positive thinking that I currently think is hogwash (only most of the time. I have breaks of sanity on occasion) because of all my negative thinking. If contemplation leads me to believe I'd be better off believing positive rather than negative thinking, maybe, just maybe I'll endorse the positive thinking. But I'm not sure yet.... even though I think I'm a moron for believing my negative thoughts. Negative thoughts are like a parasite. They suck the sense out of you and you hate it, but you're still attached to them and the procedure of pulling them out could be quite painful. Surgery. Eugh. I'll brood over it. One can't be too cautious about endorsing positive thoughts. Kinda like being too hasty about a relationship that seems to be great. Instead, I prefer being very concerned and fearful said relationship might actually work out.

Man, I'm warped. It's really amusing. I'm totally entertained by it. But often quite puzzled. On a positive note, despite said warpedness of body image and my fear of commitment, overall, my relationship with Male seems to have avoided taking on this attribute. NOT warped. Life could be worse.