First Failure: March

I already missed my goal for the month. I did not blog last week. I will endeavor to do better, but I'm not that sad about this. It's not that consequential of a goal for me -- and perhaps that is why I failed at it in the first place.

While I try to do better, I will also make a point to spend time and develop a more rewarding goal for April. It's not necessarily better to set a goal just for the purpose of setting a goal. So, I'll make sure my next goal is something I'm more motivated to get behind.

New Month Resolutions: February Recap

Last month, it was my goal to be more productive at work. How did I define success? I gave myself a number/grade, on a scale of 1-5 every day, based on how productive I felt I was. I hoped to reach a minimum average  number for the month.

Along with my basic goal of a number, I gave myself strategies to help me focus every day. Those tips included:

1) Praying. I prayed every morning at work to help me with my goal. I found this helpful because when I pray for something, I know it's something that I really want. And to remember that I really want it helped me to work hard at that.

2) I used a spreadsheet and tracked my time usage at work, every day. This was also good motivation, as I didn't like reporting ill-spent time.

3) I had a goal for minimum time spent on productive tasks. This helped me not to go on over-drive and burn myself out. Once I reached my minimum, I could relax a little and feel accomplished, rather than over-stressing every minute of every day, and breaking under the pressure of having to be perfect.

4) I tried to use the 10 minute rule. If I ran into a task I didn't like and would normally procrastinate, I would try to do it for just 10 minutes.

5) I would also employ the like+don't like strategy. For example, if I have to be doing something mind-numbing and not so fun, I would let myself stream something while I worked, to make it kind of entertaining.

6) I tried to keep & update task lists, so I could easily refer back to the lists to find out what I should do next, after I finished something.

7) Stepping outside. A lot of my tasks at work seem ambiguous and it's hard to determine "next steps". To help me tackle them, I find it helps to imagine I am advising someone else about what THEY should do. Silly, and yet remarkably effective.

8) Breaking it down. Writing a publication is a big, generic task. When working on things like that and not knowing where to start or what the next steps are, I just try to think of one small action to do -- something that is "road-ready", like "skim reference articles and gather quotes", or "draft outline", etc. It's obvious, but not making a concerted effort to identify those specific things has really stalled me on projects in the past.

Of course, these tips and tricks only help me in as much as I remember to employ them. Some I remembered to do better than others.

Results are in: It WORKED! This actually worked. I am so satisfied from this experiment. Of course, every day was not a perfect day of productivity. But I liked the flow of this month's goal, because I was allowed bad days. I was allowed to fail once or twice in meeting my goal, because my achievement this month was not based on being perfect every day, or every week, but based on the average of all those days. And so bad days were just a blip that was cause for concern, rather than total defeat.

As for January's goal -- I was not perfect in keeping up with my January month goal to work out 3x/wk, but I did pretty well with keeping up with my exercise overall. The 2 weeks I didn't reach 3x/wk, I still worked out twice. And I'm back at keeping it up for March. Managing regular workouts is easier after having worked on that habit for a month. This month-long resolution thing is really just amazing.

The other thing I really like about the monthly resolutions is that rather than having a hyper-focus once a year on the fact you'd like to do better at something, you actually are directed to focus on your goals and personal improvement EVERY MONTH. And if you are too busy and miss a month, who cares? You have 11 other months that are still totally do-able.

My goal for March: To blog once a week. I don't know that this goal will be as life-enriching as being more productive and exercising, but I do like to blog. And I HAVE blogs. And I've thought before about having that goal. And if I don't think it adds much to my life -- it's only for a month. LOVE THIS!

Month 2 Resolution Update

So, I feel like I need to check in on this resolution. I checked in pretty much every week on the last one. I can only imagine all of your questions. Have you kept up your 1st month resolutions? Have you failed yet? Okay, so no one has asked, and you don't have questions. I'm just holding myself accountable -- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

First question: Can you really let it go of the resolution after 1 month?

Yes and no. Part of me was not sure if I would secretly require myself to stick to the old month resolutions, and then be crushed under the mountain of all my resolutions, as they piled up over time. Good news! I have not fallen to this disease of having secret requirements that my resolutions continue to exist longer than the month established.

THAT BEING SAID, I really did love working out 3x/wk, and feel like it is something I want to continue with. It makes me happy. But for the 1st week of February, I gave myself a break from the routine. I appreciated the reprieve on one level, but I also felt the nagging feeling I usually get when I'm not maintaining my desired level of fitness. So, in week 2, I am back on the wagon and on my way to having fit in my 3 workouts. And I hope, moving forward, I will mostly maintain that habit. Having done it for a whole month already, I think it will be easier for me to make that happen.

What about your resolution for February?

Ultimately, I did my research and I tried to set reasonable goals for myself. I gave myself only one goal, in the end. And I won't know if I've reached it till the end of the month. What is that goal?

Well, fortunately, I have been tracking my ability to focus at work for the last 7 months (I'm a nerd?), so I know for 7 months what my average level of focus is, on a scale of 1-5. I took that monthly average, and made it a goal to do slightly better than all of those averages. But I don't have to do a lot better.

I have mini-goals to help me:
-- a set # of minimum hours of productivity I would like to achieve every work day
-- start my day with a prayer asking for help with my goal

There are a few other tips & tricks I use that are more specific to a somewhat ADD personality, such as myself, to help me. So, how's it going?

1) Good. I think I will achieve my goal. And while this in no way means that I am perfect in my ability to be a productivity superhero, it is a comfort to me to know that I can improve in this, and AM improving.

2) It's difficult. So, I'm not technically ADD. But I do have a lot of the traits of someone who is. And there is a reason this is a goal of mine -- because I don't do it well or easily. To add to the challenge, I learned this week that concentrating on difficult tasks for long periods of time actually puts me in a bad mood. So, I have to learn how to moderate that and problem-solve, so I can be productive and happy at the same time. I imagine other revelations will occur as I press on with this goal. And I welcome the opportunity to learn more about myself.

As is true with any change, this resolution work is stressful. I'd say it's a good thing I am only requiring myself to work on this goal this month. But it makes me happy to know that I can achieve it and get better. Stress is not a bad thing.

Still I say, "Yeah for New Month Resolutions"!

New Month Resolution #2: Bracing For Failure

I'm only one month into the year, and I've already got a resolution done. It's great to start the year out with success! Especially because I foresee this streak ending very soon. :)

What about February? Ohhh, February.

So, I was looking over my resolutions lists of DO MORE and DO LESS, and I have come to a conclusion. I am in trouble. The Do LESS's on my list are good to work on, but they are SO MUCH HARDER. I don't have many habits, but the ones I do have are REALLY INGRAINED. Easier to make than to break, I guess.

I believe, with the DO LESS resolutions, I will most definitely fail. But I am going to try them anyway. It's not like I haven't failed before.

Then again, it depends on how I define failure. To succeed, I just need to be real. What am I really after with this goal? I want to IMPROVE myself, not PERFECT myself during the course of the month. . I want better, and I want sustainable. That's really what I'm after.

So, to set myself up so that I can succeedl, it's all about semantics, parameters, and definitions. How much less do I want to do? How much less can I realistically manage? How do I define failure? How do I know if I've succeeded? This is really just like January's goal of exercising 3x/wk. It would be wonderful if I exercised 6x/wk in theory. But it does not make my happy & healthy, and it's really too big a leap from how my life runs right now.

Resolution for February: Get on the internet LESS while I'm at work.

Possible Strategies:

1) have a timer so I can track how much time has passed when I DO get on the internet.
2) set an amount of time I have to work before I allow myself to check anything online.
3) provide myself with a short list of easy ways to get engaged with work when I am finding it hard to concentrate
4) set a max amount of time to be online each work day.
5) set a minimum amount of time to be engaged in work projects each day.
6) start my day differently than I normally do, just to mark the change in behavior and trigger a different approach

To help me set parameters: 
1) I am going to track my productivity and time usage for 3 days (not a long time sample, but it's all the workdays I have left before February), and then pick a percentage of improvement for the 1st week. Based on how it goes that week, I will decide if week #2 parameters need adjustment or if I should stick to week #1 levels.
2) I have a log that I have been keeping for the past 7 months where I actually have rated myself on a scale of 1-5 in my ability to focus on work. I may be able to incorporate this as an evaluative tool, to see if I have improved.

Are there any tips or tricks you guys use to keep the ADD part of you on-task and away from your favorite websites? It can be hard for me. It comes a little bit with the territory of endlessly having new kinds of projects that don't have obvious next steps.  That, and the fact that I'm me. But I know I'll feel better when I don't get distracted and just dig in and tackle them. And I think my boss feels better too. :)

Here's to trying. Here's to almost certain failure. Here's to hopes of a little bit of win.

Go Team Me!

Week 3: The Week I Conquered All

Yeah, so week three of my resolution. To avoid the torture of suspense, I DID in fact get in all my workouts. That being said, I almost cracked.  This week it felt like every challenge and pitfall that normally hits me came all at once.

Pitfall 1: Overzeal. Sometimes I get caught up in the fabulous feeling of being fit. And after one day of working out, I think, "Who needs a rest day? Let's work out again! Let's work out harder! Let's work out Four or even FIVE times! I love working out!" I had these thoughts after my 1st workout this week. And then I reminded myself that when I overdo it, I regret it. So, despite feeling this way, I did not go overboard. And thus, my overzealous self did not stop me.

Pitfall 2: I don't know who said that working out makes you lose weight. This is not always true. If that WERE always true, sumo wrestlers would be much smaller. I often gain pounds when I get more fit.  Of course, weight is not the only reason to seek after fitness. But when I see the scale creeping up (which I did this week) it's a little hard to remember that. But I did not let it stop me.

Pitfall 3: Impulsive eating. Sometimes I get really snacky. Is it related to hormones? I don't know. But I suspect it is. And on days when I have eaten more than I should (specifically, Wednesday and Thursday of this past week), I do not like to work out. Mostly because I'm still digesting. And I feel a little failure-ish, which sadly makes me want to just fail at everything. I also did not let this stop me.

Pitfall 4: Soreness. I would appreciate if all muscles in my body would commit to being sore for only ONE day after working out.  My muscles do not always agree with this, as they did not this week. And I WAS tired of feeling it. I did not let this stop me.

Pitfall 5: Sometimes work and meetings get crazy, causing some days to be virtualy impossible for working out. This happened. That's another reason I only shoot for 3 days. I did not let it stop me.

Pitfall 6: I have a really hard time sticking to a routine. Like ANY routine. I did not let this stop me.

So, here I sit, Tuesday after the week I conquered all, very satisfied with myself. I'm not at my slimmest. I did not behave perfectly with my eating habits. I am not being magically transformed into Gisele Bundchen. But I am satisfied with myself.  I have no issues of conscience, telling me I should be working harder. And I believe, despite the downers, that my physique and health is better for the wear and tear.

As much as I did get it done, it wasn't without periods of, ahem, extreme disability (to reference my graphic for this post). Ben tried to give me comfort when I was complaining about it by saying that I can pick a new resolution next month. I'm almost done. And it's true. I can. Only one more week and I will have achieved my goal. But I don't know if I'll be ready to give this one up in February. It feels so good! (right now, at least) Yeah for New Month Resolutions!

Working Out: Three is The Perfect Number

So, it's the end of the 2nd week of January. I'm done with week 2 of my resolution to work out 3x/wk. So far so good! I know so many people would be thinking, "Three times? That's not even worth making a resolution for. Wimpy." Perhaps that's true. But it doesn't change the fact that I haven't accomplished three workouts in a week with any resemblance of regularity in my recent past. And I don't really aspire to do more. For me, I just LOVE the three-times routine. Not two. Not four. Not five. DEFINITELY not six. Three. Here's why:

1. I find that if I only work out twice, while still good, I don't necessarily feel like I'm maintaining or improving on my fitness goals. So less than three doesn't seem to be enough to keep that nagging thought of "you're letting yourself go" out of my head.This being the case, it also follows that one is no good -- I feel like I'm on the border of falling off the wagon. And zero, well, I can literally feel myself becoming mush when I do that with regularity.

2. When I consistently work out 4 or more times per week, I become very susceptible to injury. Since I work out to be healthy, this seems counterproductive. And I am sore more than I like to be, as I don't have a rest day somewhere in there for that sensation to fully wear off -- which makes me eat too much food, as it's a means of numbing my soreness, and my hunger pangs kind of go bonkers -- also counterproductive. Maybe I could mitigate these effects by incorporating lighter workouts into my routine. Or maybe I just need to work up to more workouts more gradually than I have in the past. Regardless, my experience so far with 4+ workouts has been no bueno for sustainability.

3. I don't feel like going to the gym is the center of my life when I only work out 3 times. And while some people may like it as the center of their life, I do not. Some people may not mind the never-ending cycle of going to the gym, changing, working out, showering, changing again, reapplying makeup, getting back to real life, and washing ALL those stinky gym clothes -- I get overwhelmed by it when I do it too often. And in the words of someone with sass, "Ain't nobody got time for that".

I could have more reasons. But it seems only fitting to end on three. I just like that number.

New Month Resolutions: What, What?

                                  

I decided this year that rather than making New YEAR resolutions, I'd like to make New MONTH resolutions. I got the idea from a book called The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin (recommended, in case that's not obvious). It's not really what she did in the book. More like an adaptation of what she did.

My resolution idea started with thinking of things I want to NOT do or do LESS of. And then I thought, well, it's not good to try NOT to do something unless you try to replace the thing you shouldn't do with something you SHOULD. So, I made a list of all the things I want to do LESS of. And I started pairing those with a list of things I want to do MORE of. 

I like do LESS rather than NOT do. For me, the things I'm working on aren't necessarily things I want to completely not do. At this point, I'm not sure I'm capable of not doing them, or that I even desire to completely not do them. And why set myself up for failure or for a nonworthy task? And why deal in absolutes if I don't have to?

So what made it on my DO LESS an DO MORE lists?

Examples of DO LESS

don't read the news so much

don't waste time of Facebook

don't pick at your poor lips so much

don't eat so many sweets

etc, etc.

Examples of DO MORE

Blog More

Work out regularly

Draw more

Work more on fixing up the house

etc., etc.

Well, I haven't yet decided which of my LESS things to focus on, so I think I'm going to save that for February. I know, I know. Such a cop out. But they're harder. I think starting out my 1st month with a gimme task that is very doable is a good idea. So for January, my do MORE is to work out 3 times per week, every week. Typical? Yes. But I'm amazingly reenergized by the idea that I only have to manage this for one month in order to be successful.

One week of the new year has passed. How did I do?

I worked out on Monday, and then again on Thursday at the gym at work. I woke up today (Saturday) and felt determined to get in my necessary third, but didn't feel like I had much giddy-up. In fact, I had no giddy-up. I usually very much like working out and have energy for it. But that may be the reason I don't do it regularly -- becaus I prefer to only work out when I feel like it. Still, saturdays are usually one of my favorite days for a boogy-down session. But I really wasn't feelin' it. So, I indulged in a lazy, read things on line and plan nothing kind of Saturday morning. At last I said enough is enough, and went downstairs to work out. I put my jammin' music on and tried to get into it. After a warmup song I was feeling just as rusty as if I had just rolled out of my bed. New plan: I would go with a more deliberate work out. I didn't specify how long these workoutts had to be. They only have to have happened. So, I went about the business of my pseudo-crossfit routine that I made up a few months ago:

15 squat jumps

25 crouching leg lifts on each side

30 crunches

12 girl push ups

Repeat 3 times. 

I did this. Then I felt done. Then I felt worse than done. Then I felt dizzy. Then I felt like I was cramping. Then I felt like I should go to the toilet. Then I went to said toilet. Then I puked. Then I felt a little better.

Do I believe throwing up is a good idea? No. Am I still glad I got through my 3rd workout for the week? Yes. Might I now agree with my dear niece who told me this workout made her nauseous when I got her to do it with me during Thanksgiving Break? Yes. Might I rethink the composition of said routine? Jury is out, but it's possible. The truth is, I managed said workout at least 8 or so previous times without the above reaction. And, to its credit, it makes me sore and I always feel like I kicked my butt afterwards. And after all, isn't that why I'm working out?

My workout may need tweaking, but I think I'm liking the new resolutions model so far. 

What are you up to in the spirit of the New Year? 

Getting To That Point

I was filling out one of those questionnaires the other day. You know the ones. You answer a bunch of questions and then send it to all your friends so they can get to know you better and see how funny you are. And then they do it back to you and you can, in turn, laugh about how funny and witty they are and marvel at your differences and similarities and revel in the nuances various quirks that make us all the individuals we are.

Well, one of the questions caused me to pause. It asked: Are you where you want to be in life? The question didn't seem very difficult at first. I did a quick emotional once-over and decided that, overall, I was a content person. I promptly posted my answer in the affirmative. But then I got to thinking... do I even know where I expect me to be in life? I don't think I do. And where exactly am I headed? Well, I don't think I know that either. And I suddenly wondered if I suffer from a gross lack of expectation. Me! Of all people! I set goals for myself on a bi-annual basis. You'd THINK I'd know where I am and am going. But really, I don't think I do. And I'm not sure what I think about that.

You see, I don't know that I expected myself to be married by now. It just so happens I am. I don't know if I expected myself to have children. It just so happens I don't. I don't know how much schooling I thought I'd have. I happen to think right now I have enough. I don't know if I expected to own real estate now. It just so happens it seemed like a good idea a few years ago. And I don't know if I expected to own a dog by now. It just doesn't seem like a good time yet. And suddenly I realize I made it very easy for me to be content with where I am. I never really wanted to be anywhere in particular. How could I disappoint myself?

Now, I've also thought about my life choices a lot lately. I never decided I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a researcher or some other specific field that would take a lot of schooling but would be very profitable. I could have done so, maybe. But I never set the goal. And I had toyed with going to the Peace Corps. I didn't do it though. There were a lot of choices I didn't make that I think I could have and the choice may have been, well, not necessarily right or wrong, but just a choice that would have landed me somewhere very different. Or not.

It may be that I didn't want to make a choice and wanted to keep my options open. But where I am now is SOMEWHERE and I did inevitably make choices that led me to exactly this point. And here I am. Where? Well, I'm not sure. Thankfully, I'm content. Would I have been content had I made other choices? Maybe. Maybe not.

But what a convoluted way to get somewhere? I suddenly feel so directionless. Where do I expect to be in 5 years? I still don't know that. I need some life milestone markers on a sheet of paper marking the years of my life and then I'll post the milestones on the applicable years where I think I'll have gotten them accomplished by. And then I'll know whether or not I'm where I wanted to be. But I don't know what the milestones are. Heaven help me! I'm taking a test and I don't know any of the answers! And it's my LIFE, people!

I just feel so goally inadequate with that question. It EATS me. Suddenly just the pursuit of being happy seems so unaccomplished. So undefined. I need markers, dangit! I want some cold hard evidence that I actually am somewhere, that that somewhere is where I'd planned to be and a way of defining where that is. I need a measuring stick! Something!

And yet, I am pretty happy. Eh. On second thoughts, I'm just gonna keep with my current modus operandi and pick my goals willy nilly as I please. I'll get over the ambiguity of my uncertain future. Apparently it hasn't bothered me too much in the past, being I hadn't noticed before now. I guess my haphazard life suits me. How 'bout yours?

May Day! May Day! May Day!

Happy May Day!

I feel like it's a new beginning. Anybody else? And it couldn't be more perfect that today falls on a Friday. It feels even MORE like a new beginning as I have the weekend to recharge & start fresh. Fresh, fresh, fresh.

I know fresh starts are usually reserved for New Years and birthdays. But I just can't help it. It FEELS fresh. Maybe it has something to do with the change in the weather. I feel springy. And with the brighter season, I'm dusting off my new years resolutions and brightening my outlook. To memorialize this event, I'm picking the areas where I am committing to do a little better:

1) working out. I was doing well before, but then we threw in the wrench of transitioning to working full-time AND waking up an hour earlier. This threw my desire to WORK out... WAY out... the window. I think its symptomatic of the fact that routine changes take a lot out of me. I need adjustment periods before I am really able to juggle the new changes along with everything else. Now that I have been working full-time for a couple weeks and am finally waking up on time refreshed and no longer need to nap when I get home, I think I'm ready to get cracking again. Woohoo!

2) I am reaffirming my commitment to cook so Ben and I eat at home. And eat HEALTHY at home. Left to his own devices, I believe Ben would live off of cream cheese, salsa, chips, hot dogs and licorice. And maybe some Taco Bell. No Quiero Taco Bell! We've been doing well so far, even with the fact that we both work now. We just have to keep it up ....and diversify the lunch menu a little bit more. Canned soup and lunchmeat sandwiches are going to get old really fast.

3) A new affirmation -- ramping up preparations to buy a house. This involves many things, but the most pressing is for me to be the monkey on Ben's back, nagging him to finish working on the jeep. We can't move until we have a second car and he will never finish the work on the jeep to get it to drive-able if I leave him alone. I have the last.... oh, year or so of the non-finishing of the jeep as proof of this. And I am a believer and a hoper that I do not nag about much else. But I'm willing to resort to almost anything to become a two-car family. A woman needs her vehicular freedom!

4) we must budget like fiends so we have enough money to buy the darn thing. Good thing I like budgeting. But it's getting harder and harder as I am seeing that my clothes (especially my shoes!) are less and less updated and more and more worn looking. I know, I know. I'm hard-pressed to make convincing argument that I'm needy in this area. But I really DO need a good, reliable black handbag. Don't you think? :) And Coach makes the loveliest handbags..... I think my christmas list is going to be long this year.

One cool tool we found to watch our monthly expenses is this website called Wesabe, if anyone is interested. I think it rocks, and is a lot easier to use than Microsoft Money (granted I've never tried Quicken. But we're cheap and Wesabe is free and online.)

4) Finding a fitness goal. What should it be? Another 1/2 marathon? Maybe I'm getting to old and I should scale back to 5 and 10k's? I'm totally jacked up after 1/2's. Or maybe forget that and do all of the above? Or starting out a new sport -- the triathlon? I kinda wanna do a triathlon, but I wanna get a bike for it, and THAT is probably going to be a "hold" item till we get the house(kinda like my black coach handbag. :)) But I need to do something for motivation's sake. I miss these little mile stones. I want to pick one, commit, and get to it.

5) list-making. I used to make a lot of lists. I found these lists to be incredibly helpful in getting things done. Now, I do not make lists so much, and I get LESS done. I will write lists again. Maybe. :)

6) using my free time more wisely. This is coupled with the list-making goal. I don't know what exactly I will do with my free time, but sometimes I waste it not doing anything. And really I don't even ENJOY not doing anything. Admittedly, this problem is a little new to me. I don't think I've really HAD free time over the past few years until we moved to Ohio. So, it's no wonder I don't know what to do. All the more reason to capitalize on using it well.

Now, I do realize that "fresh start" is a total misnomer for anyone who has been alive for more than a day. I am a creature of habit and the fact that I'm not already in the habit of having these things mastered speaks strongly against my ability to do these things and for them to stick. But I believe I have hope. I'm a work in progress. See Sharon Run. See Sharon stop running for a couple weeks. See Sharon run again. See Sharon make a list. See Sharon make a list twice. See Sharon make progress.

I think this makes for a lovely easy-reader for 1st graders. And if they can get it, I too should be able to get it.

Old Year, New Year

It's about that time. Time to reflect on what's transpired and what will come. The first is, of course, easier to figure out. So, I'll start there. The last year has brought me many things, involved various accomplishments and given me lots of happy memories. In keeping with my age, I will list that many relished feats and happy times in 2007. Here are some favorites:

1) ran a half marathon
2) started blogging
3) started a book club with a very good friend and, as a result, started reading more.
4) got a bit of much-needed therapy
5) got back together with Male. What can I say? I just like him.
6) ran a 5k with my nephew, Christopher
7) went home for Thanksgiving
8) survived a family reunion in St. George
9) went to Colorado for the 1st time with some friends and went rafting
10) went to Vegas with some friends and had a rip roaring good time
11) ran into a moose and survived to tell the tale.
12) sent my parents away on a mission. Twice.
13) got over myself a little bit and learned how to love better.
14) bought new clothes that I love.
15) worked at a much-loved clothing store for a year, gained great experience, learned lots and made some great friends
16) started planning a business venture
17) started studying for the LSAT
18) managed to save instead of going into debt ( even if I didn't save as much as I wanted to)
19) bought a camera. I LOVE that thing
20) didn't break up with Male. Not once. It took some restraint, I'll admit, but I think I'm better for it.
21) got a roommate. And she's totally rad.
22) got my favorite calling back. Yeah!
23) started buying furniture-like things. I have a filing cabinet AND a book shelf. It makes me feel like more of an adult, somehow.
24) got into ebay auctions. They are so fun. And so addictive.
25) got Male to start to learn swing dancing
26) I haven't verified this with anyone, but I think I became a better listener. Really, I do.
27) kept dancing and hoola hooping :)
28) redecorated my bathroom. Oh, it just looks so good.

As for the coming year and what it will bring, there's really no way of telling, but here's a brainstorm of various directions I would like to be headed. (note I wrote "directions", plural. We all well know I could never limit myself to just one).

1) find a new, better paying job. I would be willing to substitute this fo my current job paying me better. But I prefer a new job. So I'll shoot for that.
2) start business venture. There's a lot that goes into this one. Lots of time and lots of steps. And licensing. In fact, I think this one resolution should count for a gazillion. Yipes, jeepers, heavens to Betsy and criminy, all in one. Whoever Betsy is. But I'll just count it as one for now.
3) go to London. London misses me. And I miss London.
4) nurse my ankles back to health enough to be able to run again. I'm being very well behaved right now. I won't even bring my running shoes to the gym, just so I'm not tempted to test them out yet. Some day I can bring them. Some day soon. But not yet.
5) teach Male to swing dance. I have great hopes for him. And he shows promise.
6) love better. I learn more all the time. Relationships are good teachers. In my recent experience, I find that loving people hurts a lot. And I'd say christian theology supports my theory. So, at times I feel inclined to stop. However, the alternative is much less happy. Don't that just beat all.
7) see my sister more and make time to help her with her kids.
8) make more time for friends and family. As the years pass me, I realize I'm not very good at this, and at some point I will look back and wish I had made the time. Now's a better time to start so that point doesn't come.
9) save money. Note I didn't say how much. This is because I like to avoid failure. Thus, I stick to being vague and I manage to avoid failure, for the most part. You can see this as a trend in many a New Year's resolution.
10) take the LSAT. I think. This one might get delayed. Honestly, a girl can only do so much in a year and as I read through this list, I can see I'm giving myself a full agenda already. But no harm in aiming high, right?
11) run some 5k's. That is of course, if I can run at all. I hope, I hope, I hope.
12) keep dancing & hoola hooping. It's quirky, as am I, and I just love it. I sometimes reflect back to when I was a little girl dancing to my dad's Elvis cd's in the living room cuz I just couldn't help myself. Here I am 20 yrs later, and though Elvis may be replaced my Gwen Stefani or Pink, I find I haven't changed much. Ok, so puberty happened. Even so, that continuity is still there. It's comforting.
13) keep up the book club. And keep up WITH the book club. It's a challenge. I don't know how Joan does it.
14) keep blogging. It's good for the soul.
15) eat less sugar. I like to make easy goals for myself. Take this resolution for example-- I just have to commit to eating 19 pieces of candy per day, instead of 20 and I've succeeded! See? That simple. Of course, I could go full throttle and do some kind of cleanse or something to flush it all out of my system, but I'm always leary of extreme measures. And I do love sugar.
16) buy a laptop computer. I'd like to get one yesterday. It's amazing I've survived so long without one, really.
17) buy a blackberry or something like it. The phone I have now is sleek and sexy, but it doesn't quite cut it. I think I need to trade in sleek & sexy for practical.
18) learn some more Spanish. This won't be too hard since I only remember a whole of 5 words from the class I was in last year.
19) get another book shelf. My book collection keeps growing. I wonder why?....
20) grow my hair out and don't dye it so I can donate it to charity.
21) work out 3x/wk. On average. Give or take a day.
22) get more home workout equipment,like maybe an exercise ball, or an aerobic step, or a punching bag, or a stationary bike.. stuff like that.
23) rent out my studio.
24) budget better. Thus, I can save more and waste less on clothes. Of course, I'll still buy fabulous clothes that I do, in fact, need. And I do mean "need". I'll just be more strategic and choosy about it so as not to waste.
25) don't speed (in hopes the end result will be that I don't get speeding tickets. )
26) cook more often. Again, this one should be easy since I presently don't cook at all.
27) redecorate another room in the house.
28) have people over for dinner on Sunday. Ooh, that's a good one. Yes indeed. That helps me with my resolutions to spend more time with family AND cook more often. Brilliant!
29) buy one pair of absolutely fabulous, to die for, I love you, I love you shoes. A couple of my I love you, I love you shoes are getting tattered and need to be retired. I need replacements. Expensive replacements. Oh, heaven help me and my love for personal adornment.

There we have it. Twenty-nine resolutions for my 29th year. I should be overwhelmed. But I'm not because I am presently giving absolutely no consideration to how much effort all that will take to accomplish. And I refuse to do so. So there. Ya know, I just love goals and new years resolutions and all that 5 year, 20 year planning mumbo jumbo. It's so motivating. And it kind of points me in a direction so I know where I'm headed. I just like that. I don't know how anybody gets anywhere without this stuff. And I find it so exciting. Am I the only one?

I also like realizing there are lots of things I'm glad I don't need to include on my list. For example, I don't need to stop drinking or quit smoking, stay out of rehab, leave my boyfriend who beats me up or wean myself off meth. This is good, no? In that kind of light, I get quite pleased with my current situation.

Of course, I realize this list has other items that are not on it that may be missed by some. I am sure most of my friends reading this will be disappointed to see that I have not included any resolutions or list items containing words like marriage, bridal shower, engagement, ring shopping or honeymoon. What can I say? When I start making resolutions or goals in that direction, I assure you all, you will be the first to know. Just don't start checking the blog every day expecting something like that to be posted.

Diversify, Diversify, Diversify

What to do, what to do.... Currently, I find myself going in a million different directions. As usual. Good to know I am, if nothing else, consistent.

Working and having an education in the nonprofit field and being involved in revenue development, I have a keen understanding in the need for diversified funding sources, which is a very sensible adherence to the belief that you should not "put all your eggs in one basket." Nonprofits are better positioned and more stable when they have at least 12 to 15 different sources of income. That way, if one should pull out on you, it won't sink your organization.

Well, apparently I take this advice to heart. As I see it, I am, on a smaller scale, my own little nonprofit. Heaven knows most of my personal pursuits are of the kind that suck money rather than generate income, which is as nonprofit as it comes. And indeed, I have found that my approach towards income, as well as marketability and experience, is to diversify, diversify, diversify. I can't help it.

Take NOW for an example:

1) I work at a nonprofit organization. I'm also currently (please don't tell my boss), looking for a job at another nonprofit organization.

2) I also work part-time at a clothing store.I like it there. A fun little fact about our store: we were just featured in a NY Times article last week. I almost felt famous because I work there.

3) I like to sell things on Ebay when I come to possess things I don't have a use for or no longer want. I like doing that. It amuses me.

4) I have a studio in Park City that doesn't really generate revenue, but it does generate tax breaks and equity.

5) In addition, I am applying for a slightly higher-paying part-time job at a restaurant. I, of course, have no intention of quitting the first part-time job at the clothing store, as I like the store, they are nice to me and they need help. I will simply take on this and then pop in and work at the clothing store "whenever I have time."

6) New and incredibly fun, I am starting to design dresses and my sibling and I have in the works plans for launching a women's line of formal dresses: beautiful, well-made, dare I say "sexy" and classy dresses for women who prefer not to walk around half-naked in order to catch someone's eye.

7) And then, there is the LSAT and contemplation of undertaking three years of law school and taking the bar to become a lawyer.

That's not 12-15 sources, and they don't all generate revenue yet, but it's more than a handful of options. How do I not feel all over the place? The answer to that: I do. But I'm used to it. I've had my hand in too many honey pots since I was a freshman in high school. The only difference is when I was in high school all my honey pots were non-revenue producing clubs and activities (I've grown slightly more lucrative in my old age). With these 7 or so pursuits, one might think that my basket "overfloweth". And, to be honest, I really wonder how one person can do all of this. I don't know that it's possible. I think I need five lives to be able to do all the things I have an inclination to think are interesting and want to pursue.

Who knows if all of it will happen. Does it really matter if it doesn't? I don't think so. And it won't happen if I say it won't and don't try, right? So, try is what I do every day. I get done what I can get done, take life as it comes, and make plans. Some plans don't happen. Some do. Some succeed. Some fail. I've been on the job search for a better and better-paying job for about 3 or 4 months now and what I have uncovered? Most recent: 2 "no, but thank you for interviewing's" this week. OUCH. And yet I have hope.

I got down about it once and told my boyfriend, Male, I felt unemployable. He laughed and reminded me that I currently have three jobs. It's easy to get down about interviewing and about opportunities you want that don't seem to come easily. But I think, when I am thinking rationally, even though my present situation doesn't reflect it right now, that I will have the income, ability and time to take all the risks I need to pursue whatever I want. Maybe even everything on my list. I'm young yet, and throughout my life I imagine I'll be in many different phases and places. One thing I like about being born in this age as opposed to 30 years ago is that careers now-a-days change so much and people pursuing new things is commonplace. So, I'll keep talking crazy and making lots of plans. Diversify, diversify, diversify.

longterm vs. shortterm

Geoffrey Beane and I were having a conversation yesterday about decisions and actions based on longterm and shortterm. This conversation was spurred by Sex and The City (I had just finished watching the last 4 episodes of the 6th season, for the 1st time). He iterated that two of the characters made a lot of decisions based on shortterm gratification rather than longterm goals. Therefore, he didn't like or respect the characters very much.

In some respects, I see his point. But I also think that it depends on how you are looking at it. In some circumstances, it could be true, or not, that shortterm, and maybe even "short-sighted," motives and behaviors are completely justified.

I cited to him that a dating relationship is most obviously a shortterm decision. Granted, for many people there are long-term goals in mind. But rarely do I go on a first date with the idea that I'm getting married to my date. I'm thinking more along the lines of surviving the evening, not embarassing myself, getting to know someone and trying to have a good time. I've even been on dates where I KNEW beforehand it was going nowhere. I was espousing the idea of being nice to the guy, and it can't hurt to have a good time (as long as he doesn't scare me.:)) Geoffrey ceded that dating was a shortterm goal that was not bad.

So, does everything you do have to have an over-arching longterm purpose? For example, dancing. Does dancing have a longterm purpose? It seems pretty instant gratification-oriented to me. What about my shoe collection? Or that trip to Vegas last week? :) One thing's for sure. Neither has helped my bank account(***please note that no money lost in Vegas was due to losses in gambling.**** please also note that I did not say I DIDN'T gamble. I just said I didn't lose.). But are they bad?

I think my life would be much less fulfilling without these things. But then there are obvious ones to identify -- one nightstands -- I see how that is a very bad shortterm gratification. Sad, because they do sound so fun and easy in theory. There must, however, be a place for doing something for the "fun" of it, without being bad.

I think it has a lot to do with the "eat, drink and be merry" theory. There is this place called "living it up" where things go from white to grey to bad. Lines dividing these areas are very evasive, so much so that I'm not sure they have ever been identified. This is probably why old party-pooper fuddy-duddies always warn to stay as far away from the edge of the line as possible: because it is so hard to identify whether or not the line's been crossed, and they believe one's better off to avoid the bad at any and all costs.

And then you have idiots like myself, who like to get as cloooooooooose as possible to those lines, in the spirit of wanting to have as much FUN as possible and "suck the marrow at of life"... without being bad. Not a wrong endeavor, right? But it's so hard to discern when it is exactly that things start to go bad. I'm not sure this blog ended up where it started. But thoughts don't always do that. And I was just thinking....

Why I Don't Spend Money on Pedicures

The end to a training season has finally come. Saturday was my long-anticipated 1/2 marathon. This season had been riddled with little hang-ups for me. I am happy to report, despite the hangups and at the end of it all, it has been a strengthening, motivating, inspiring and overall very good experience. Yeah for accomplishing goals! Yeah for 1/2 marathons! My feet definitely got the short end of the stick this year. I don't think they're saying, "Yeah!" I think they're saying, "Did you have to do this to us right at the start of sandal season? I really liked having a full set of toenails. We're so embarassed to be seen." But that's the way it goes. They always fair poorly. They are forced to make a noble sacrifice for the greater good of the rest of me.

When not in training season, I still exercise. It has so many good effects. It's like a fountain of youth, health, energy and loads of other things. But this year, early on in my training, I realized that along with all of exercise's usual splendid benefits, my training was having additional side effects. In particular, It was causing me to gain weight.

GAIN?!?! What?!?! This is not an effect that I consider desirable. Admittedly, I am very anal about my weight and I watch my numbers like a hawk. I don't diet. Ever. But I do monitor.

I've heard that numbers don't matter. And while those words are perfectly audible and straightforward in definition, they really make no sense to me. No matter how low my numbers on the scale, I can't ever recall thinking they were too low. And no matter what numbers they have risen to, I can't ever recall feeling glad about it. And then my clothes were fitting tighter this season. Mmmm hmmm. Don't try to tell me I'm looking leaner. I am well aware muscle takes up room. Room I have not made accomodations for in my jeans. The sad truth is that I am a very typical, pathetic, superficial girl. I am small. And I like being small. And I do not desire that there should ever be MORE of me.

Training continued anyway. And I would look at the scale, week after week of training, and see that the numbers were consistently staying up. "No matter," I would tell myself. "It's muscle. At least most of it is. It is muscle, isn't it? How can I be sure? Does my waist look bigger to you?"

I didn't own a submerssive tank of water where I could dunk myself and accurately test the exact composition changes in my body each week. I hear they're expensive. I soothed myself, unable to test the actual changes in my body makeup, with the idea that it was only temporary and the glory and accomplishment of running the race would make it all worth it. Such a small sacrifice for the cause. I could be little again later. I'd be glad.

Then you add scheduling problems. I was working about 60 hrs/wk most weeks this training season. You add in making time for dates, commuting, and life as it comes, --- it does not make for an easy and consistent training schedule. I tried to schedule a couple sessions with a trainer. Ha! That was a laugh. I met with him once. And then, the next 7am appt. was thwarted by a change in work schedule, having to go to work early and off-site. It seemed to be a good indicator that I really just didn't have time for that. I got to the gym 3 x's/wk, on average. That was my goal.

But then there were a few weeks I missed my goal. And a few weeks when the long run I had planned just didn't fit in. Argggghh. Why does everyone marry in the spring? Don't people know there are races to train for? But it wasn't so bad. Since I had run 1/2 marathons before, I had the confidence and experience I needed in order to know what I could do. And I was able to train just enough to be able to do it.

And then there are all my injuries. I'm always injured. Call it Fibromyalgia. Call it a need for new shoes. Doesn't matter what you call it. It still hurts like hell. But after all that training, and ESPECIALLY after having already sacrificed my tight leash on the numbers of the scale, no ache or pain could keep me from my goal. I would run the race, I would finish, and I would finish respectably. I had an ankle ailment that was plagueing me for probably a good 1/2 of my training. But I was able to run on it anyway. After about 2 months and, coincidentally, about a week before the race, the ankle ailment moved and became a hip ailment. Gotta love Fibromyalgia. The hip ailment was a sharper pain, and seemed much more alarming and threatening to me. So, while I knew I was cardiovascularly ready and capable in strength, this new development caused me to worry thatI might be in for a disappointing finish.

The week before the race I did nothing. I was ready enough and there seemed no good reason to aggravate my ailments before race day. My weight had loomed up to it's highest during this week of inactivity. This is mostly because, in an effort to make sure I had enough energy, I made sure I ate more than enough all week long. Not completely logical, as I was just creating more of myself to cart around on the run. But from personal experience, I would say that it's the lesser of two evils. It really sucks to run a race when you're low on fuel. You feel weak, you don't perform well, and, basically, it completely destroys any training you've done. You might as well not train at all. So, despite myself, I ate. Lots. "It's all temporary," I kept telling myself.

Race day came. I didn't sleep very well the night before. I was TOTALLY anxious. Who sleeps well the night before the race? The guy I met the morning of the race does, apparently. His name is Bilal. He flew in for the race from LA. As luck would have it, however, his good night's sleep was thwarted by a crying baby a few hotel rooms away. Tough break.

Bilal happened to be running the marathon, but both races started together. So he and I, since we had struck up a conversation, started running together. He happened to be my exact pace. That was great. We clipped along with great conversation. We discussed different races. We talked about college. We talked about positive energy. He said I had great positive energy. I think he was hitting on me. And as we continued to chat, I mused about how funny it would be if I ever ended up dating a Lebanese accountant from LA who I met at a marathon. We ran together for the first 4 miles until our race courses diverged. Then I was on my own.

My hip had started to notify me that it wasn't feeling the best at mile 3. At mile 4, it notified me a little more loudly. At mile 6.5, it had stopped notifying me. Instead, it started to boycott. I was struggling to keep a smooth stride. The pain in my hip began to make me flinch with the impact of each step on that leg. As I continued to disregard it, the sharp, shooting pains persisted and the flinching became worse. I assessed things in my head and realized I had about 1/2 the race to go. And with a flinching right side, the miles ahead suddenly stretched before me, covering an expanse that was very long, grueling and quite painful. Before, those miles had seemed challenging, fun and surpassable. The reality of my situation was sinking in.

I stopped running and I began to walk. I walked for about a quarter mile. And I thought. I wasn't quite sure what to do at that point. I could walk the 7 remaining miles. It's long. But I'd finish. Eventually.... Some time... In a few hours. I was so disappointed. All the glory and accomplishment I had hoped for seemed unattainable-- keeping my 9 min pace, finishing under 2 hrs, improving -- all I had trained for. And I know I already mentioned this, but I was so disappointed. I think Bilal would have been disappointed too, if he knew. All that work for this? A bum hip and a long walk. Most irksome of all, my muscles weren't even tired yet. It felt like I hadn't worked at all.

Finally, I thought, "Screw the hip. I'm running anyway." I AM aware this makes me sound like I'm as bright as a caveman and quite juvenile. I don't deny either completely. We all have our moments. But logically, the worst prospect was that maybe I wouldn't run for a while. Who cares? My race is today. Not tomorrow. So, I ran. I ran lower to the ground. I ran my toes into the front of my shoes. And I ran more slowly. But soon I ran more confidently. And with a very sharp learning curve, I figured out how to maneuver so that I would cause my hip as little pain as possible. And I ran for the rest of the race. I even was able to put up a bit of a sprint at the end! I ran till I wasn't sure what hurt more: my muscles, my hip or any number of other joints from my waist down. And I finished my race w/ 1:57:38, an 8:59 min mile pace. Booyah!

Two days after the race, I am delighted to report that I have VERY VERY VERY SORE muscles. And I think I avoided permanent damage (The beauty of Fibromyalgia is that, though you may FEEL very wholly and truly injured, you're really not. You just feel that way.). Most happily, I walk ever so gingerly. I proudly hobble down stairs. I joyously (and more ably than going down) ascend stares with a huge lack of grace. And I am quite sure I will lose 3 toenails. I wore sandals to church yesterday and I am wearing sandals to work today, which I never do. But I can't put anything else on my feet at the moment. And I don't care. And next year, I will try to knock my time down to be somewhere below 1:50. Maybe. I think that's doable. We'll see. That'd be sooo cool. Someday I may have feet that will stay nice enough to make a pedicure worthwhile. That day is not today. Can't say I'm too choked up about that.

Being Comfortable with Being a Slacker

Most days, I feel a need to improve myself. I feel a need to work hard. I feel a need to eat healthy, work towards my goals, and seek after my destiny.

Then, some days, I'm just plain tired. I get tired of worrying, I get tired of planning, I get tired of being diligent. Doesn't just the word, "diligent" sound tired to you? Just the thought of it could be enough to make one tired. Being prudent and careful... you're just GONNA get tired. Sometimes, a person needs to relax. And know it's ok to relax. They need a kind of a nap, in more than just the literal sleeping sense of the word. Such is today and yesterday for me. I think I ate 5 rice crispy treats yesterday for lunch (LARGE, home-made rice crispy treats... mmm). And today, 3 of those chocolate-peanut butter eggs accompanied my breakfast. I had no plan to deviate from a healthy eating schedule. And I still don't think I'm overeating and gorging, so I don't feel REALLY bad. Just a little mischievious. :)

The glitch is, I have a 1/2 marathon in 2 weeks, and this is REALLY not the time to pack on a couple extra pounds, as it will just be more for me to cart along on the 13.whatever-it-is mile journey. But one doesn't plan when they need a nap. And I need a nap. So, I am taking one.