So, I have been doing a lot of thinking about his wonderful word, as have many people, and I wanted to have a conversation about it with my dear sweet co-blogger before I posted this, but alas, my co-blogger runs to the ends of the earth to be busier and better than I. For I am forlorn and lost, a loser without a place, destined to be drifting in the whirlwinds of an endless emotionless torment, undefined by passion, language, or speech.
So, anyways, because there are so many different forms and kinds of love, and all that broad vagueness associated with feeling emotion, and the unquantifiable X factor, I will try to limit this post to "Love" in the context of pursuing a romantic relationship.
And in that context, I do not ask when is it appropriate to use it, but what does it mean?
about.com states it as "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."
I guess the part that I usually get hung up on is, and this is where I might diverge from a lot of people. While I agree that love is a strong emotional response, a bigger question is, what does that mean. I often think of love as, at a minimum, a desire for commitment. Not a representation of commitment, but a desire to be committed to that person, however you define commitment. (Please remember this is only in the context of pursuing a romantic interest.)
The reason I say that is because, without the commitment portion, I don't think there is really a big difference between love and like. A degree of emotion could be the only difference, but what does a deeper sense of emotion mean if not a desire to be committed. Now, I am not going to say that commitment means marriage, or even exclusive dating, although, culturally I would argue that it is very relevant for marriage, and my gut instinct is it is relevant in exclusive dating, and that using the ol' L word is brash and unscrupulous before at a minimum exclusive dating. Granted circumstances do arise where you were dating, and are still in love with someone, and then you are in other circumstances, yada yada.
But my gut instinct is you have to have gotten there at some point in the timeline.
Anyways, so what is love? Is it just emotion? Is it commitment? Just a desire? Is it crazy? (Well, we all know the answer to that!)
2 comments:
What a tricky question. I used to think love was this consuming, overpowering reality that you would prefer to simply be with that person no matter what, even if it meant having to forsake everything else you love, just for the pleasure and peace of being by a person's side, whether that be in a hut, a gutter, a battle, a mansion or an airplane seat. That, scenario of course, has an element of commitment. And that commitment is motivated by the fact that you desire that person and really can't stand to be without them. And what makes you love that person and desire them is different for everyone. But I don't think that's your question, so I won't go there.
In saying that, I'm assuming it is understood that I don't mean to say one should be willing to forsake being treated well, being true to one's personal beliefs or forsaking one's morals or anything like that. I assume this because I don't think love, at least a good love, requires one to do that.
Ya know, on second thought, scratch the "used to" part. I still can't think of a better definition. I want to be head over heals saturated enough to want to say "stick me in your backpack and take me wherever. I'm yours."
Well first, I love the definition from about.com. It made my heart swell. As for the rest, since you asked, Love is basically a bunch of chemicals running around having a heyday with your insides.
Dopamine (which produces feelings of bliss) and Norepinephrine (which acts like adrenaline, making your heart race and such) are the chemicals associated with new love. Then, as a relationship continues and attachment starts to develop, Oxytocin (helps in bonding a relationship and is associated with the ability to maintain healthy relationships) and Endorphines (which create a general sense of well being) become more of a factor. Oxytocin is released during a certain intimate act ;) thus helping to bond partners and is also part of the chemicals in play that bond a mother to her child.
So, not to be ultra unromantic, but these are the physiological reasons relationships follow a given pattern...why new love is so fun, and why it takes a little bit of work to keep the "sizzle" in a relationship (you are basically devising new ways to trigger Dopamine and Norepinephrine). Really, a lot of stuff in relationships makes sense when you think of them in the context of these processes.
But then, it's also fun to think of it as a "certain something" that makes you want to commit to a person...and I agree, commitment should certainly be part of the equation...otherwise there would be no chance for Oxytocin to take effect. :)
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