I was filling out one of those questionnaires the other day. You know the ones. You answer a bunch of questions and then send it to all your friends so they can get to know you better and see how funny you are. And then they do it back to you and you can, in turn, laugh about how funny and witty they are and marvel at your differences and similarities and revel in the nuances various quirks that make us all the individuals we are.
Well, one of the questions caused me to pause. It asked: Are you where you want to be in life? The question didn't seem very difficult at first. I did a quick emotional once-over and decided that, overall, I was a content person. I promptly posted my answer in the affirmative. But then I got to thinking... do I even know where I expect me to be in life? I don't think I do. And where exactly am I headed? Well, I don't think I know that either. And I suddenly wondered if I suffer from a gross lack of expectation. Me! Of all people! I set goals for myself on a bi-annual basis. You'd THINK I'd know where I am and am going. But really, I don't think I do. And I'm not sure what I think about that.
You see, I don't know that I expected myself to be married by now. It just so happens I am. I don't know if I expected myself to have children. It just so happens I don't. I don't know how much schooling I thought I'd have. I happen to think right now I have enough. I don't know if I expected to own real estate now. It just so happens it seemed like a good idea a few years ago. And I don't know if I expected to own a dog by now. It just doesn't seem like a good time yet. And suddenly I realize I made it very easy for me to be content with where I am. I never really wanted to be anywhere in particular. How could I disappoint myself?
Now, I've also thought about my life choices a lot lately. I never decided I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a researcher or some other specific field that would take a lot of schooling but would be very profitable. I could have done so, maybe. But I never set the goal. And I had toyed with going to the Peace Corps. I didn't do it though. There were a lot of choices I didn't make that I think I could have and the choice may have been, well, not necessarily right or wrong, but just a choice that would have landed me somewhere very different. Or not.
It may be that I didn't want to make a choice and wanted to keep my options open. But where I am now is SOMEWHERE and I did inevitably make choices that led me to exactly this point. And here I am. Where? Well, I'm not sure. Thankfully, I'm content. Would I have been content had I made other choices? Maybe. Maybe not.
But what a convoluted way to get somewhere? I suddenly feel so directionless. Where do I expect to be in 5 years? I still don't know that. I need some life milestone markers on a sheet of paper marking the years of my life and then I'll post the milestones on the applicable years where I think I'll have gotten them accomplished by. And then I'll know whether or not I'm where I wanted to be. But I don't know what the milestones are. Heaven help me! I'm taking a test and I don't know any of the answers! And it's my LIFE, people!
I just feel so goally inadequate with that question. It EATS me. Suddenly just the pursuit of being happy seems so unaccomplished. So undefined. I need markers, dangit! I want some cold hard evidence that I actually am somewhere, that that somewhere is where I'd planned to be and a way of defining where that is. I need a measuring stick! Something!
And yet, I am pretty happy. Eh. On second thoughts, I'm just gonna keep with my current modus operandi and pick my goals willy nilly as I please. I'll get over the ambiguity of my uncertain future. Apparently it hasn't bothered me too much in the past, being I hadn't noticed before now. I guess my haphazard life suits me. How 'bout yours?
1 comment:
Well, first, did you notice that the question said "want" and you mostly wrote down things using "expect?" That could make a small difference. Also, it is current, "Are you where you want to be?" Not "are you where you wanted to be now when you thought about it ten years ago?" And while there may be some nice things about pegging down specifics, maybe that's not the most important stuff. Afterall, if you had had expectations for yourself some years ago, it's likely that you would change those as you grow and change.
And who says that question is dealing in concretes? It could mean state of mind. And if you are feeling content and happy, isn't that the best place to be anyway? Regardless of geography or socioeconomic status?
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