What's TOO Different?

I've been freaking out over the past couple of weeks. I freak often, actually. This is not abnormal for me. I've been doing it for about a year. And for this whole year I've been freaking out over the same thing. Go figure. In all other respects, I'm quite a non-freaker. But on this one, itsy-bitsy, tiny, miniscule aspect of my life that has existed since some time last year, I freak. Regularly. That special, volatile, calm-shattering part of my life that causes me to freak happens to be.......... drumroll, please........... the current relationship that I am in. Surprise, surprise. Sometimes I think all this freaking out is a very unhealthy side effect and that I should get rid of said relationship. It's really undesirable to freak out regularly. It's kind of unsettling. And then, sometimes I think it's normal. Unavoidable, even.

The other party to this relationship is a boy/man/what-have-you. He is, as far as physical details and descriptions, cute. As for years, His age ranges from 5-52, depending on the day. Sometimes he behaves like he's five. Sometimes he seems to act like a parent, ranging more around 52. And sometimes, most frequently, he acts a very likeable age. We'll call this boy/man/what-have-you "Male".

I have had MANY reasons for freaking out in the past over my relationship with Male. There is not enough blogging that exists to cover these episodes. And oh, my poor little hands if I were to try. We'll just address this last freak-out.

Male has been driving me nuts lately. When we hang out, I've found I'm not having the best of times. And I've been wondering why on earth I'm still dating Male if we don't have a good time together.

Why the sudden change? Well, its' not THAT sudden. I've always wondered if we have a good enough time together. How "best of friends" are you supposed to be in order to be happy together? In order to be, dare I say, "Right" for each other? In regards to expectations, I wonder where on the spectrum between Hollywood and Reality, mine lie. I feel like we're trying to cook something without the recipe. And with ingredients that lack labels. And I would like it better if I could do something as straighforward and easy as giving our relationship a litmus test to see what color on the scale of ph healthiness for relationships we might be.

But that aside, back to the problem at hand. Lately, I find that Male and I end up arguing. And we argue over things I had no intention and no desire to argue over. Inconsequential things. How did I find this conversation? Why am I here? Let me out post-haste! And then, how do I avoid it in the future? I wonder. I'm not an arguer. Debater, surrrre. Especially if you've got something intriguing. But arguer, no. I hate real conflict.

I take note of this new phenomenon. And aside from expressing to Male the undesirability and my frustration of individual arguments as they arise, I make a personal, mental note that if this continues, "Houston, I think we may have a fatal problem." Then Male and I talk about movies. We like to watch different movies. He errs on the conservative side in his movie choices. I.... Well, I happen to think I don't err at all in this area of my decision-making. (Don't we all?) So, we're different. I knew that. I'll go watch some of these movies without Male. Then I plan a vacation with a bunch of friends. Male does not approve of the coed housing arrangements, so he's not coming. I find this rule very traditional, old-fashioned and not at all to my understanding. So, we're different. I knew that. I'll go on the trip without Male.

But then all these arguments and differences concern me. I think they really could be fatal. I think each one is a reflection of a basic difference that could represent innumerable other different viewpoints and loads of future differences. Enough to fill buckets and buckets of years. And enough to cause even more frustration... enough to fill an eternity. We may be chronically doomed to come from different places and also end up in different places. I don't LIKE this. I'm very concerned.

So, I talked with Male about my concern with all these arguments and all these differences. Turns out the "arguments" as I call them, were just him "giving me a hard time" as he likes to call them. I have trouble computing this concept of what it is to "give a hard time". I do not do this. This is new. Why does one do this? What kind of sport is this? And why does Male think it is fun? To these questions, Male has few answers that are informative. Again, we're different. I knew that.

"But what about the differences?" I say. "You like having more rules than I like having. And I refuse to follow your rules. And we don't meet in the middle anywhere with these rules. We are missing that 'common ground' that I thought we might find after we started dating."

Male's response: "There are lots of things couples compromise on: jobs, children's education, whether to move or not, parenting.... lots of things."

I'm not seeing how this gives us hope. I say, "If there are all these compromises, doesn't it makes sense to try to minimize the differences two people have, so there is less compromising to worry about?"

Male says, "Yes."

I also fail to see how this gives us hope. Male doesn't seem phased. I'm a bit perplexed.

Male is no help to me here, so I go talk to my sister. She is married, so probably knowledgeable on the subject. She has a boy/man/what-have-you that she has to deal with ALL THE TIME. And she listens to me. And she is, for the most part, impartial when it comes to my relationship with Male. I love that about her.

Her take on it: "Duh, Sharon. Men and women are different. If you knew that going in, then that should make these realizations easier for you."

Hmmm.... she doesn't think it's cause for breaking up. It doesn't phase her either. Peculiar. And I wonder if I'm blowing it out of proportion. And then I wonder if "differences" are really what I'm worried about. Yes. And no.

Once again, I find a huge lack of people who have "The Answer." Not advice. I hate advice. I always think it's wrong and I rarely follow it. What I am always searching for is the answer, which so far I have not found in myself or anyone else (as I have searched endlessly in thought and conversation with myself and anyone, and found it in neither place). No one can tell me if Male and I are a good or bad match. But I've never met no one. So I don't know if we're doomed or full of promise. Whether I'm with him because I really like "us", and "we"make me happy, or because I am a pleaser, hate conflict, and haven't found the good enough reason I'm looking for to leave "us". How can I know myself so little? Well, honestly, I don't know. That's a very good question. But my guess is that "myself" and "anyone" still don't know, "no one" still evades me, and "somebody" who does know has yet to tell me. So, for now, I choose to continue and embrace the life I currently lead of freaking out on a regular basis.