Touchy Subject II - Homosexuality and the Mormons

So, after a conversation with Sharona, I have decided to post a follow-up, which will probably need a further follow-up from the less confrontational, more practical, and more mild-mannered of the two of us.

So, in preparing for this lil' post, I watched the video of the speech from the Oscar's Sharona referred to, read various statements that the church has put out (this was interesting) and reflected on several conversations I have had with people, whom I would love to call my friends, who I care deeply about, but the relationship feels strained and somewhat superficial. We fail to include each other in our most intimate and deepest circles of life and friendship. There is a consistent ebb and flow of going from no contact to a bit more contact, but never really regular heartfelt, bare your soul, dependence for the last breath of sanity contact. And therefore, despite my sincerity with them and more than likely their sincerity in a relationship with me, they are more likely my acquaintances, despite years of long relationships and emotion. I presume there are several reasons why they are not, which I hope to elaborate on, and hope that maybe this will spur thought as to how that reality can potentially change. Before I launch into my tirade....please be aware that these are my thoughts and not the thoughts of Sharona, the LDS church, your dog Sue, or the neighbor's uncle Frank.

Now, for all the mormons and non-mormons reading this (which I presume there are few.......of both), I should probably give a brief disclaimer/bias notification. 1. I am a mormon, and arguably an active mormon at that. 2. I am a very liberal mormon, but more likely than not, a fairly conservative member of society. 3. I am a very large (and often vocal) gay rights supporter. 4. I'm straight, which means there are things that I am sure I do not and can not identify with in non-straight communities, and 5. I'm single, which means that in many people's religious goggles, I shouldn't be treated very differently than gay men (or women for that matter) within the church.

So, homosexuality and the mormons is a huge topic, and I won't address even a small fraction of it. I'm not here to argue or comment on the religious topic of whether homosexuality is right or wrong, nor what the result is in the heavens after we die. Those topics are for people that wish for and/or have far greater insight, authority, and wisdom than myself. What I wish to address are the every day factors in our lives as we go to church that I assume and expect divide gays and mormons both within the walls of the church building and without.

For starters, I think it would be unfair to not point out the seemingly small yet relatively large steps the mormon church (or the church for short) has taken to change at a minimum its public relations standpoint in regards to gays, and some of me would argue along with it, its official and unofficial policies. While the church has not, nor do I suspect it will, change its stance in regards to homosexuality and eternal salvation, it has left certain practices (both documented and undocumented) and rhetoric. More and more the leaders are preaching acceptance of the individuals, rarely are they preaching change the individual (as indicated by the link I posted earlier), and even more rarely are they picking sides in relation to nurture vs. nature.

That being said, any time homosexuality and gay rights is brought up to mormon friends or related, our first response is to recite some scripture, explore passages from the proclamation on the family, or give some other explanation or opinion as to the eternal truths of life. However, what often escapes our thought process, our deliberations, and our exchanges, is are they accepted as people? what opportunities do they have in our community? do we understand the issues involved?

I know as a straight male that happens to be single, and a bit out of that sweet spot of happy mormon marriageville, I find interaction within the mormon community to be intimidating at best, unwelcome more often than not, and my views and opines discredited as common place (maybe that is a reflection of my uneducated and often gregarious mindset!). And if that is my initial feeling of acceptance as a fairly commandment abiding, church going, tithing paying, single male, with more theoretical concerns within the church than practical, I can only imagine the degree to which someone who is gay feels those exact feelings amplified exponentially, not withstanding the impressions, feelings, and receptions I do not experience and have no insight into.

And so the question is then begged, what can be done to make people feel as though they are "beloved children of god"? Let's get off of our high horses for a second. We all sin. We probably all know people that have had sex outside of the bonds of marriage, both gay and straight. Yet we definitely treat people that are gay much differently than we treat people that are straight and knockin boots on a saturday afternoon! We know people that steal (and oh my, maybe we have stolen a piece of gum back when we were kiddies), we know people that don't pay their tithing, we know people that smoke, we know people that drink, we know people that lie, we know people that cheat, and by all means, we may even know people that commit fraud, have shot someone, were in a motorcycle gang, whatever. Yet they come to church, and as long as they are straight, hip hip hooray, they have a hope of changin' their ways. If they are gay....have you read the proclamation on the family? Did you know that it is an abomination before god? Are we trying to convince ourselves or them?

The discussion and the exchange has to be what can we do different so that, in light of the gospel truths which mormons accept not changing, people that are gay can be happy, accepted, and integrated into a mormon community. I am not a big debater on the nature vs. nurture topic. I find that I have met people on both sides of that spectrum, for some I believe it is choice, and for others I believe it is their natural attraction.

Whether attraction can be changed over time or not, I have no idea, but I do know that it doesn't matter as to my approach, thought process, interaction with, or desire to be friends with people that are gay. As a matter of fact, probably to the chagrin of the church leadership, I have been known to go to gay bars (and non-attraction based ones all the same), I have a tendency to enjoy hanging out with friends of mine that are gay, bi-sexual, and straight, and yet no way in the world would I probably feel comfortable saying to a gay friend of mine.... "Hey, why don't you come hang out with me and a bunch of church members." Maybe I am selling them short, but if I am approached with trepidation (and I have been in my ward since I was a kid, and since returning have been here for 2 years), I can only imagine the responses to the question and answer....are you married? No, I'm gay, but I've been with my boy/girlfriend for the last (fill in time period here).

Reflect to your conversations with members of your ward, and think about how many conversations go beyond your kids, your spouse, who you are dating (if you are single...if you are married....shame on you! :) ), etc. Now, I'm not saying that those are bad things to think or talk about, but if someone around you is gay, how likely are they to feel that this particular conversation is one that they can participate in, feel welcomed in, or not feel in some way excluded? I know that with several members of my congregation, the majority of the conversations they have with me are, who am I dating? When am I getting married? and if there are big no's to both of those, what am I doing to change that! Oh how I love mormonism....and it really is its own ism!

So, how is my picture going? Have I painted a good one? I feel I may be short on colors, but I'm trying to do the best I can with this stupid pencil I have in my hand! ;)

I think this question begs a better discourse...it begs more introspection into biases, fears, and self-perceptions, it begs for honesty with ourselves and others, it begs for the consideration and contemplation to come up with better answers, because guess what honey, the current ones aren't cuttin' it.