FRUSTRATION!!!!

Sometimes it takes a while for things to sink in. I am an easy adapter to change. Or so it seemed for the first 4+ months of this move into marriage and out to Ohio.

Okay, so there was the break down around the third month, when I felt this unrelenting disquiet and guilt because I hadn't found a job yet and now my new husband had to shoulder the burden of all of my financial responsibilities and I couldn't help. But I got over that soon enough. I guess it just comes to me in stages.

Merciful. Presently, I am just frustrated. I knew every step of the way when Ben and I were debating how we should approach this Ohio job offer versus the job he had in Salt Lake that we were doing the right thing. And when he called me to tell me he was taking the job, I didn't hesitate or question. I just called my boss in and told her that circumstances had changed and I had to give her notice (after 3 days on the job).

But doing the right thing doesn't make it easy. Now I find myself in Ohio, and on my 5th month. I have still not found a full-time job. I have been OFFERED a job. But I again didn't feel like I should take it. So I didn't. But I WANTED IT SO BAD.

And the dress business. WE have been on the cusp for so long, I am about to blow a cap. Really. It's even a large part of the reason I didn't feel like I could accept my other job offer. And it's not moving! If the lookbook doesn't get done soon, I'm just going to give up completely.

And then I share a car with Ben. I don't like this at all. As much as I like to see him, I really don't LIKE to drive him to and pick him up from work three times a day. It cuts up my day so I only have increments of time instead of a whole day. And I never know when he'll be done with work, so I just play the waiting game 5 nights a week to see when I need to come get him.

I do not to do well with this schedule that is mine but not mine, no big projects that are moving, stuck at a standstill in every direction and with no book club, scrabble nights or family get-togethers to distract me.

I got frustrated enough that Ben offered me a bribe yesterday. He told me I deserved to go shopping since I haven't been shopping since we moved here. Well, who can say not to that, right? Apparently I can. I had to confess that nothing I want right now is something I can buy. A sad realization. And even if I got a new black handbag, where would I wear it?

I have to remember,however, how I got this offer. I'm sure I could use it in the future. :)