A bright morning with a brooding glow

Today I woke up to good news -- my hair looks soft and luxuriously silky. Sweet. These days are rare for me and are days to be treasured.

Despite my good fortune, I still find myself riddled with angst. And here I am, sitting in my office, feeling it fester. As I think it over, I realize my angst could be caused by many things. In the police line-up of fester-causing offenders, I eye the many likely suspects --

Suspect #1 -- my mother ever-so-gingerly asked me on the phone yesterday if I was planning on starting a family. I DO mean every so gingerly. She's often ginger about sensitive topics. But it makes me think that this is something I should be anticipating and planning somehow. I realize she has some expectation in this regard. Yipes.

Suspect #2 -- I keep brooding over the fact that my friend has a treadmill she wants to give away and I, who would be delighted to take it off her hands and have dreamed of having a treadmill at home for years, have nowhere to put it in our little apartment. For the love.

Suspect #3 -- Ben's final estimate for completing his car (which we have been much anticipating) finally came in and is going to make us part with a big chunk of our savings if we want to finish the car (which we do). I hate parting with money. Especially for cars. If I have to spend it, I'd rather spend it on a fabulous vacation.

Suspect #4 -- the many things that battle for my free time -- more school (I just found out my employer, a university, has an MBA program for part-timers. Who wouldn't want a free MBA degree?). Getting back into community theater -- that would make me more happy than more school, probably. But it wouldn't make me as marketable. But then there is YW and then I wouldn't have enough time for that. Or I could take cooking classes. I could also benefit from working out more or... I feel like I should know by now what would make me most happy. I feel as though I have some right, at my fabulously mature 30 years, to do what would most make me happy. Right? But it's harder than it sounds.

Suspect #5 -- I miss the dress business. Terribly. How fabulous that project was. I would really like to be spending my free time on that. And I can't yet. The truth is hard sometimes.

Suspect #6 -- I haven't traveled somewhere cool since my honeymoon and I think that's too long.

The desire to live life to its fullest and cram it as full as possible seem to be synonymous for me. And when I'm not, or confused about how, I get the ensuing angst. What am I going to do? I'm going to get to work. I had a day off yesterday and I think it threw me off. Back to the grind I love/hate. I'll work on shaking down and interrogating these suspects later.

My one solace -- at least I'm taking the time to learn Spanish during my commute. The dream of my 3 month sabbatical in South America honing mi espanol is not dead. Even if it's not realistic. :)