Navigating Pregnancy: Trimester 1

http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/8136835-418/woman-gives-birth-after-running-chicago-marathon.html#.VC8GlGddVhM

So, "we're having a baby." This phrase has always struck me as funny. Because Ben isn't really having a baby. I'm having a baby. But, then, it's not a completely independent process either. So, saying "I'm having a baby" seems to miss that I have a partner who is somehow involved and a part of this picture. I could say, "I'm having Ben's baby." But somehow that phrase sounds like it's nuanced with illegitimacy... who else's baby would I be having? I guess there's no good way to say it.

I knew that I was relinquishing myself to the forces of nature when I got pregnant. There's aspects of pregnancy that obviously cannot be fought, molded or negotiated. And yet, I thought that in some things I would have control.

That was clearly a delusion. I have been nauseous for about a month now. Almost constantly. The me who I thought would be exercising all the time and still jogging 2-5 miles/day can't recall the last time I put on clothes to officially "work out". Running 20 minutes was a struggle by week 10. I have no idea how other women are running marathons when they're full-term.

The most insane part of the pregnancy has been my insatiable appetite. Every magazine/book/website that tells you about pregnancy says you should be taking in 300 extra calories/day while pregnant. And to these guidelines I simply am aghast.

Ben brought up a valid point that I had a tendency, even before I was pregnant, to wake up in the middle of the night because I was hungry, and to have to eat something. But this wasn't a frequent or common occurrence -- just something that would happen maybe a handful of times each year, on the off-chance I had under-eaten that day and needed more calories.

But since about week 8 or 9 of this pregnancy, I wake up every night. At least once, possibly three times. And I have to eat. I have yet to tell this to another woman who's been pregnant and to have them tell me they also experienced this. In truth, I have no idea how many total calories I'm eating because I don't calorie count. But I'm QUITE sure it's more than 300 calories more than what I used to eat. And I have absolutely no clue how to eat less.

Eating all the time has made me quite apathetic about food. Eat more of this, Stop eating. It doesn't matter. I'll be eating again in 2-3 hours anyway. I have to eat so often, I have no opportunity to miss food; no time to build up a desire for it. It's more like air -- something I need, and a lot less like the perk and pleasure it has often been.

The good news about apathy is I am equally as moved about my growing size as I am about food. I honestly thought body image was going to be the most difficult part of this process. So far, however, I am unabashed about my changing body size & shape and relatively unconcerned with whether it looks cute, or with how thin I am.

I imagine at some point I will want to make sure I can still feel pretty. Maybe that desire will kick in when I am less pre-occupied with NOT feeling nauseous. But I'm kind of glad to be relieved of that need or desire for the time being. I want to be upright. I want to feel normal for a whole day, and have a full night's sleep without waking. That all would all be dreamy.

Here's to hoping I don't have to wait 6 months to feel that way.

Finding Peace in the midst of ALS

This month, I had the opportunity to visit my brother Jon's family twice. The first visit was at the impetus of my brother, Gerry, who lives in London and wanted to visit. Six of the seven Neu siblings were able to gather at Jon's house, working on home improvement projects, visiting, and eating yummy food. I went up yet again two weekends after to help with more home improvement projects and just try to be of service.

With each passing week and every visit, I think about this diagnosis. I try to understand it. How should I help? How should I feel? How DO I feel? Should I be doing this differently? Should I be understanding this differently?

When Jon was first diagnosed with ALS, it was very difficult to come to terms with. I read books about the disease, and the odds he faces.My family members and I started a frenzy of fasting, praying, pleading for healing, for beating those odds. I grappled with images and stories of others with ALS, like the Team Gleason commercial above, and  the documentary "Indestructible". Putting Jon's face into these stories causes me such anguish, even if the stories are infused with hope.

We don't know what the future holds.  But we must acknowledge our reality, including the fact the disease is progressing. While coming to terms with this reality is still difficult, I find peace in these thoughts:

We all still have a lot of hope for that better future. Miracles and cures are always possible.

I repeatedly remind myself that I have not actually lost my brother. In fact, I'm lucky he's still here. Some people lose their loved ones in an instant -- wonderful people who are treasured, just as much as my brother.

Despite my good fortune, I repeatedly experience feelings of devastation and loss. This will likely not stop. And it's OK. Obviously Jon is not gone, but the invincible Jon, and my expectations of a future invincible Jon -- they have been diminished. That is something to grieve.

As much as I feel overwhelmed to process this, I struggle even more to imagine how it would feel to be Jon in this situation. As I consider how to manage emotions in this uncertainty, I try to remember to be most mindful of his.

We, his extended family, fumble with how to anticipate and accommodate Jon's family's needs. But it's a kind, loving thing to fumble with.

My sister is picking up her whole family and moving to Minnesota, just to be there in case that would be helpful. She's awesome. My whole family is awesome.

It doesn't matter to me whether they "really need something" or if something could be put off till later. If there is something to do and I'm able,  I will seize the opportunity. We may not be able to move heaven and earth, or cure my brother, but we can do everything within our capacity to help-- if for no other purpose, just to prove that if we could, we would. And we do.

I am unwilling, despite my good fortune that his disease is not taking him from us more quickly, to give Jon up to ALS. Even if losing Jon to ALS was inevitable (which it's not). I won't give him up till I have to.

First Failure: March

I already missed my goal for the month. I did not blog last week. I will endeavor to do better, but I'm not that sad about this. It's not that consequential of a goal for me -- and perhaps that is why I failed at it in the first place.

While I try to do better, I will also make a point to spend time and develop a more rewarding goal for April. It's not necessarily better to set a goal just for the purpose of setting a goal. So, I'll make sure my next goal is something I'm more motivated to get behind.

New Month Resolutions: February Recap

Last month, it was my goal to be more productive at work. How did I define success? I gave myself a number/grade, on a scale of 1-5 every day, based on how productive I felt I was. I hoped to reach a minimum average  number for the month.

Along with my basic goal of a number, I gave myself strategies to help me focus every day. Those tips included:

1) Praying. I prayed every morning at work to help me with my goal. I found this helpful because when I pray for something, I know it's something that I really want. And to remember that I really want it helped me to work hard at that.

2) I used a spreadsheet and tracked my time usage at work, every day. This was also good motivation, as I didn't like reporting ill-spent time.

3) I had a goal for minimum time spent on productive tasks. This helped me not to go on over-drive and burn myself out. Once I reached my minimum, I could relax a little and feel accomplished, rather than over-stressing every minute of every day, and breaking under the pressure of having to be perfect.

4) I tried to use the 10 minute rule. If I ran into a task I didn't like and would normally procrastinate, I would try to do it for just 10 minutes.

5) I would also employ the like+don't like strategy. For example, if I have to be doing something mind-numbing and not so fun, I would let myself stream something while I worked, to make it kind of entertaining.

6) I tried to keep & update task lists, so I could easily refer back to the lists to find out what I should do next, after I finished something.

7) Stepping outside. A lot of my tasks at work seem ambiguous and it's hard to determine "next steps". To help me tackle them, I find it helps to imagine I am advising someone else about what THEY should do. Silly, and yet remarkably effective.

8) Breaking it down. Writing a publication is a big, generic task. When working on things like that and not knowing where to start or what the next steps are, I just try to think of one small action to do -- something that is "road-ready", like "skim reference articles and gather quotes", or "draft outline", etc. It's obvious, but not making a concerted effort to identify those specific things has really stalled me on projects in the past.

Of course, these tips and tricks only help me in as much as I remember to employ them. Some I remembered to do better than others.

Results are in: It WORKED! This actually worked. I am so satisfied from this experiment. Of course, every day was not a perfect day of productivity. But I liked the flow of this month's goal, because I was allowed bad days. I was allowed to fail once or twice in meeting my goal, because my achievement this month was not based on being perfect every day, or every week, but based on the average of all those days. And so bad days were just a blip that was cause for concern, rather than total defeat.

As for January's goal -- I was not perfect in keeping up with my January month goal to work out 3x/wk, but I did pretty well with keeping up with my exercise overall. The 2 weeks I didn't reach 3x/wk, I still worked out twice. And I'm back at keeping it up for March. Managing regular workouts is easier after having worked on that habit for a month. This month-long resolution thing is really just amazing.

The other thing I really like about the monthly resolutions is that rather than having a hyper-focus once a year on the fact you'd like to do better at something, you actually are directed to focus on your goals and personal improvement EVERY MONTH. And if you are too busy and miss a month, who cares? You have 11 other months that are still totally do-able.

My goal for March: To blog once a week. I don't know that this goal will be as life-enriching as being more productive and exercising, but I do like to blog. And I HAVE blogs. And I've thought before about having that goal. And if I don't think it adds much to my life -- it's only for a month. LOVE THIS!

Bathroom Renovation: Results Are In

You may or may not recall, but I started renovating my bathroom. About a year ago. It took me longer than I expected. Now before you get any big ideas, this was a rather low-budget renovation. I know, I know. You would expect complete demolition for a project that takes a year. What can I say? I have a day job. And staining and varnishing trim takes a long time. Which, BTW was only mildly worth it. While I added new trim to all the doors and windows, and I like the stain I used better than what was there, I ended up picking the same trim profile. I also want to confess that I had to hire help to install the trim, and do many other things. I did some work, but definitely not all of it.

Here's what it used to look like as you walked in, and then what it looks like now:

   

The bland old view of the vanity area before, and the new vanity area:

     

My inspiration for all the colors (which will give one more view of the bathroom I didn't bother with before) was the shower curtain. I wanted ruffles. I think "mission accomplished" on that wish:

Some of the other new improvements include:

I covered the light panels with scrapbook paper and Mod Podge

 I picked out some hardware for the vanity drawers 

We put in new baseboards

Crown molding too 

 We replaced both the light fixture over the vanity (already pictured) and the bathroom fan light (above)

Even a new hand towel ring

I also had fun in the closet. I stenciled the side walls (note to self. Never stencil in a place that has so many corners.Also, never EVER stencil on textured walls ever again. It's exasperating). At least it looks kinda cute. Just don't look too close. :) I also added tracking so the shelves can be moved as needed. There are two shelves up right now, and 3 more in storage in case I run out of room in that gargantuan vanity. :) And, of course, I added that mop holder. Utilitarian for sure, but I love it.

This cute little shelf was dark wood and black iron rod when I bought it. I covered it with polka-dot fabric and Mod Podge, and spray painted the iron rod white. Then I printed a poem on some turquoise paper and framed it. I like having good poetry around the house.

Even as the project just finished today, I still see some details I need to take care of. Namely: a window treatment, new doorknob, a tissue paper box cover, and a new waste basket. And I'm not sure if all the pictures on the wall are at the right height. But the big stuff and most of the little stuff is done. And while I'm not totally sure what I think of the results, I know it's a big improvement, and it's mine. And it's done. All of those facts give me great satisfaction. And since I am allowing myself to move on to other house projects now, I figured it was done enough to let you all see. 

I learned something about myself in this project that I had no idea was as deep-rooted as it is -- I hate pre-fabricated sets of anything. I don't even having matching dining room chairs. So, nothing in the bathroom exactly matches anything else. I'm not sure if this quirk of mine is good or bad. But it doesn't apply to everything. Right now the walls on my first floor are not only multi-colored, but also multi-textured. Which leads me to my next project -- painting the entire rest of the 1st floor. :)

Month 2 Resolution Update

So, I feel like I need to check in on this resolution. I checked in pretty much every week on the last one. I can only imagine all of your questions. Have you kept up your 1st month resolutions? Have you failed yet? Okay, so no one has asked, and you don't have questions. I'm just holding myself accountable -- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

First question: Can you really let it go of the resolution after 1 month?

Yes and no. Part of me was not sure if I would secretly require myself to stick to the old month resolutions, and then be crushed under the mountain of all my resolutions, as they piled up over time. Good news! I have not fallen to this disease of having secret requirements that my resolutions continue to exist longer than the month established.

THAT BEING SAID, I really did love working out 3x/wk, and feel like it is something I want to continue with. It makes me happy. But for the 1st week of February, I gave myself a break from the routine. I appreciated the reprieve on one level, but I also felt the nagging feeling I usually get when I'm not maintaining my desired level of fitness. So, in week 2, I am back on the wagon and on my way to having fit in my 3 workouts. And I hope, moving forward, I will mostly maintain that habit. Having done it for a whole month already, I think it will be easier for me to make that happen.

What about your resolution for February?

Ultimately, I did my research and I tried to set reasonable goals for myself. I gave myself only one goal, in the end. And I won't know if I've reached it till the end of the month. What is that goal?

Well, fortunately, I have been tracking my ability to focus at work for the last 7 months (I'm a nerd?), so I know for 7 months what my average level of focus is, on a scale of 1-5. I took that monthly average, and made it a goal to do slightly better than all of those averages. But I don't have to do a lot better.

I have mini-goals to help me:
-- a set # of minimum hours of productivity I would like to achieve every work day
-- start my day with a prayer asking for help with my goal

There are a few other tips & tricks I use that are more specific to a somewhat ADD personality, such as myself, to help me. So, how's it going?

1) Good. I think I will achieve my goal. And while this in no way means that I am perfect in my ability to be a productivity superhero, it is a comfort to me to know that I can improve in this, and AM improving.

2) It's difficult. So, I'm not technically ADD. But I do have a lot of the traits of someone who is. And there is a reason this is a goal of mine -- because I don't do it well or easily. To add to the challenge, I learned this week that concentrating on difficult tasks for long periods of time actually puts me in a bad mood. So, I have to learn how to moderate that and problem-solve, so I can be productive and happy at the same time. I imagine other revelations will occur as I press on with this goal. And I welcome the opportunity to learn more about myself.

As is true with any change, this resolution work is stressful. I'd say it's a good thing I am only requiring myself to work on this goal this month. But it makes me happy to know that I can achieve it and get better. Stress is not a bad thing.

Still I say, "Yeah for New Month Resolutions"!

New Month Resolution #2: Bracing For Failure

I'm only one month into the year, and I've already got a resolution done. It's great to start the year out with success! Especially because I foresee this streak ending very soon. :)

What about February? Ohhh, February.

So, I was looking over my resolutions lists of DO MORE and DO LESS, and I have come to a conclusion. I am in trouble. The Do LESS's on my list are good to work on, but they are SO MUCH HARDER. I don't have many habits, but the ones I do have are REALLY INGRAINED. Easier to make than to break, I guess.

I believe, with the DO LESS resolutions, I will most definitely fail. But I am going to try them anyway. It's not like I haven't failed before.

Then again, it depends on how I define failure. To succeed, I just need to be real. What am I really after with this goal? I want to IMPROVE myself, not PERFECT myself during the course of the month. . I want better, and I want sustainable. That's really what I'm after.

So, to set myself up so that I can succeedl, it's all about semantics, parameters, and definitions. How much less do I want to do? How much less can I realistically manage? How do I define failure? How do I know if I've succeeded? This is really just like January's goal of exercising 3x/wk. It would be wonderful if I exercised 6x/wk in theory. But it does not make my happy & healthy, and it's really too big a leap from how my life runs right now.

Resolution for February: Get on the internet LESS while I'm at work.

Possible Strategies:

1) have a timer so I can track how much time has passed when I DO get on the internet.
2) set an amount of time I have to work before I allow myself to check anything online.
3) provide myself with a short list of easy ways to get engaged with work when I am finding it hard to concentrate
4) set a max amount of time to be online each work day.
5) set a minimum amount of time to be engaged in work projects each day.
6) start my day differently than I normally do, just to mark the change in behavior and trigger a different approach

To help me set parameters: 
1) I am going to track my productivity and time usage for 3 days (not a long time sample, but it's all the workdays I have left before February), and then pick a percentage of improvement for the 1st week. Based on how it goes that week, I will decide if week #2 parameters need adjustment or if I should stick to week #1 levels.
2) I have a log that I have been keeping for the past 7 months where I actually have rated myself on a scale of 1-5 in my ability to focus on work. I may be able to incorporate this as an evaluative tool, to see if I have improved.

Are there any tips or tricks you guys use to keep the ADD part of you on-task and away from your favorite websites? It can be hard for me. It comes a little bit with the territory of endlessly having new kinds of projects that don't have obvious next steps.  That, and the fact that I'm me. But I know I'll feel better when I don't get distracted and just dig in and tackle them. And I think my boss feels better too. :)

Here's to trying. Here's to almost certain failure. Here's to hopes of a little bit of win.

Go Team Me!

Week 3: The Week I Conquered All

Yeah, so week three of my resolution. To avoid the torture of suspense, I DID in fact get in all my workouts. That being said, I almost cracked.  This week it felt like every challenge and pitfall that normally hits me came all at once.

Pitfall 1: Overzeal. Sometimes I get caught up in the fabulous feeling of being fit. And after one day of working out, I think, "Who needs a rest day? Let's work out again! Let's work out harder! Let's work out Four or even FIVE times! I love working out!" I had these thoughts after my 1st workout this week. And then I reminded myself that when I overdo it, I regret it. So, despite feeling this way, I did not go overboard. And thus, my overzealous self did not stop me.

Pitfall 2: I don't know who said that working out makes you lose weight. This is not always true. If that WERE always true, sumo wrestlers would be much smaller. I often gain pounds when I get more fit.  Of course, weight is not the only reason to seek after fitness. But when I see the scale creeping up (which I did this week) it's a little hard to remember that. But I did not let it stop me.

Pitfall 3: Impulsive eating. Sometimes I get really snacky. Is it related to hormones? I don't know. But I suspect it is. And on days when I have eaten more than I should (specifically, Wednesday and Thursday of this past week), I do not like to work out. Mostly because I'm still digesting. And I feel a little failure-ish, which sadly makes me want to just fail at everything. I also did not let this stop me.

Pitfall 4: Soreness. I would appreciate if all muscles in my body would commit to being sore for only ONE day after working out.  My muscles do not always agree with this, as they did not this week. And I WAS tired of feeling it. I did not let this stop me.

Pitfall 5: Sometimes work and meetings get crazy, causing some days to be virtualy impossible for working out. This happened. That's another reason I only shoot for 3 days. I did not let it stop me.

Pitfall 6: I have a really hard time sticking to a routine. Like ANY routine. I did not let this stop me.

So, here I sit, Tuesday after the week I conquered all, very satisfied with myself. I'm not at my slimmest. I did not behave perfectly with my eating habits. I am not being magically transformed into Gisele Bundchen. But I am satisfied with myself.  I have no issues of conscience, telling me I should be working harder. And I believe, despite the downers, that my physique and health is better for the wear and tear.

As much as I did get it done, it wasn't without periods of, ahem, extreme disability (to reference my graphic for this post). Ben tried to give me comfort when I was complaining about it by saying that I can pick a new resolution next month. I'm almost done. And it's true. I can. Only one more week and I will have achieved my goal. But I don't know if I'll be ready to give this one up in February. It feels so good! (right now, at least) Yeah for New Month Resolutions!

Working Out: Three is The Perfect Number

So, it's the end of the 2nd week of January. I'm done with week 2 of my resolution to work out 3x/wk. So far so good! I know so many people would be thinking, "Three times? That's not even worth making a resolution for. Wimpy." Perhaps that's true. But it doesn't change the fact that I haven't accomplished three workouts in a week with any resemblance of regularity in my recent past. And I don't really aspire to do more. For me, I just LOVE the three-times routine. Not two. Not four. Not five. DEFINITELY not six. Three. Here's why:

1. I find that if I only work out twice, while still good, I don't necessarily feel like I'm maintaining or improving on my fitness goals. So less than three doesn't seem to be enough to keep that nagging thought of "you're letting yourself go" out of my head.This being the case, it also follows that one is no good -- I feel like I'm on the border of falling off the wagon. And zero, well, I can literally feel myself becoming mush when I do that with regularity.

2. When I consistently work out 4 or more times per week, I become very susceptible to injury. Since I work out to be healthy, this seems counterproductive. And I am sore more than I like to be, as I don't have a rest day somewhere in there for that sensation to fully wear off -- which makes me eat too much food, as it's a means of numbing my soreness, and my hunger pangs kind of go bonkers -- also counterproductive. Maybe I could mitigate these effects by incorporating lighter workouts into my routine. Or maybe I just need to work up to more workouts more gradually than I have in the past. Regardless, my experience so far with 4+ workouts has been no bueno for sustainability.

3. I don't feel like going to the gym is the center of my life when I only work out 3 times. And while some people may like it as the center of their life, I do not. Some people may not mind the never-ending cycle of going to the gym, changing, working out, showering, changing again, reapplying makeup, getting back to real life, and washing ALL those stinky gym clothes -- I get overwhelmed by it when I do it too often. And in the words of someone with sass, "Ain't nobody got time for that".

I could have more reasons. But it seems only fitting to end on three. I just like that number.

New Month Resolutions: What, What?

                                  

I decided this year that rather than making New YEAR resolutions, I'd like to make New MONTH resolutions. I got the idea from a book called The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin (recommended, in case that's not obvious). It's not really what she did in the book. More like an adaptation of what she did.

My resolution idea started with thinking of things I want to NOT do or do LESS of. And then I thought, well, it's not good to try NOT to do something unless you try to replace the thing you shouldn't do with something you SHOULD. So, I made a list of all the things I want to do LESS of. And I started pairing those with a list of things I want to do MORE of. 

I like do LESS rather than NOT do. For me, the things I'm working on aren't necessarily things I want to completely not do. At this point, I'm not sure I'm capable of not doing them, or that I even desire to completely not do them. And why set myself up for failure or for a nonworthy task? And why deal in absolutes if I don't have to?

So what made it on my DO LESS an DO MORE lists?

Examples of DO LESS

don't read the news so much

don't waste time of Facebook

don't pick at your poor lips so much

don't eat so many sweets

etc, etc.

Examples of DO MORE

Blog More

Work out regularly

Draw more

Work more on fixing up the house

etc., etc.

Well, I haven't yet decided which of my LESS things to focus on, so I think I'm going to save that for February. I know, I know. Such a cop out. But they're harder. I think starting out my 1st month with a gimme task that is very doable is a good idea. So for January, my do MORE is to work out 3 times per week, every week. Typical? Yes. But I'm amazingly reenergized by the idea that I only have to manage this for one month in order to be successful.

One week of the new year has passed. How did I do?

I worked out on Monday, and then again on Thursday at the gym at work. I woke up today (Saturday) and felt determined to get in my necessary third, but didn't feel like I had much giddy-up. In fact, I had no giddy-up. I usually very much like working out and have energy for it. But that may be the reason I don't do it regularly -- becaus I prefer to only work out when I feel like it. Still, saturdays are usually one of my favorite days for a boogy-down session. But I really wasn't feelin' it. So, I indulged in a lazy, read things on line and plan nothing kind of Saturday morning. At last I said enough is enough, and went downstairs to work out. I put my jammin' music on and tried to get into it. After a warmup song I was feeling just as rusty as if I had just rolled out of my bed. New plan: I would go with a more deliberate work out. I didn't specify how long these workoutts had to be. They only have to have happened. So, I went about the business of my pseudo-crossfit routine that I made up a few months ago:

15 squat jumps

25 crouching leg lifts on each side

30 crunches

12 girl push ups

Repeat 3 times. 

I did this. Then I felt done. Then I felt worse than done. Then I felt dizzy. Then I felt like I was cramping. Then I felt like I should go to the toilet. Then I went to said toilet. Then I puked. Then I felt a little better.

Do I believe throwing up is a good idea? No. Am I still glad I got through my 3rd workout for the week? Yes. Might I now agree with my dear niece who told me this workout made her nauseous when I got her to do it with me during Thanksgiving Break? Yes. Might I rethink the composition of said routine? Jury is out, but it's possible. The truth is, I managed said workout at least 8 or so previous times without the above reaction. And, to its credit, it makes me sore and I always feel like I kicked my butt afterwards. And after all, isn't that why I'm working out?

My workout may need tweaking, but I think I'm liking the new resolutions model so far. 

What are you up to in the spirit of the New Year?