http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/8136835-418/woman-gives-birth-after-running-chicago-marathon.html#.VC8GlGddVhM
So, "we're having a baby." This phrase has always struck me as funny. Because Ben isn't really having a baby. I'm having a baby. But, then, it's not a completely independent process either. So, saying "I'm having a baby" seems to miss that I have a partner who is somehow involved and a part of this picture. I could say, "I'm having Ben's baby." But somehow that phrase sounds like it's nuanced with illegitimacy... who else's baby would I be having? I guess there's no good way to say it.
I knew that I was relinquishing myself to the forces of nature when I got pregnant. There's aspects of pregnancy that obviously cannot be fought, molded or negotiated. And yet, I thought that in some things I would have control.
That was clearly a delusion. I have been nauseous for about a month now. Almost constantly. The me who I thought would be exercising all the time and still jogging 2-5 miles/day can't recall the last time I put on clothes to officially "work out". Running 20 minutes was a struggle by week 10. I have no idea how other women are running marathons when they're full-term.
The most insane part of the pregnancy has been my insatiable appetite. Every magazine/book/website that tells you about pregnancy says you should be taking in 300 extra calories/day while pregnant. And to these guidelines I simply am aghast.
Ben brought up a valid point that I had a tendency, even before I was pregnant, to wake up in the middle of the night because I was hungry, and to have to eat something. But this wasn't a frequent or common occurrence -- just something that would happen maybe a handful of times each year, on the off-chance I had under-eaten that day and needed more calories.
But since about week 8 or 9 of this pregnancy, I wake up every night. At least once, possibly three times. And I have to eat. I have yet to tell this to another woman who's been pregnant and to have them tell me they also experienced this. In truth, I have no idea how many total calories I'm eating because I don't calorie count. But I'm QUITE sure it's more than 300 calories more than what I used to eat. And I have absolutely no clue how to eat less.
Eating all the time has made me quite apathetic about food. Eat more of this, Stop eating. It doesn't matter. I'll be eating again in 2-3 hours anyway. I have to eat so often, I have no opportunity to miss food; no time to build up a desire for it. It's more like air -- something I need, and a lot less like the perk and pleasure it has often been.
The good news about apathy is I am equally as moved about my growing size as I am about food. I honestly thought body image was going to be the most difficult part of this process. So far, however, I am unabashed about my changing body size & shape and relatively unconcerned with whether it looks cute, or with how thin I am.
I imagine at some point I will want to make sure I can still feel pretty. Maybe that desire will kick in when I am less pre-occupied with NOT feeling nauseous. But I'm kind of glad to be relieved of that need or desire for the time being. I want to be upright. I want to feel normal for a whole day, and have a full night's sleep without waking. That all would all be dreamy.
Here's to hoping I don't have to wait 6 months to feel that way.
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