So, for all those familiar with my personal life, you may know, or not know, that I have taken a hiatus from dating for the last while....something to the effect of 2 or so years, maybe a bit more. Anyways, long story short, just recently, for a variety of reasons, I decided to get back in the dating game. Fun stuff I dare say (not really, but you gotta say something).
Anyways, it has become a completely now common for me to meet random girls for evenings on the town who I most likely will never want to see again! :) In meeting these random girls, a common thread has emerged, and that is the asking of a particular question....."why aren't you married?"
Now, I have no idea what the point of this question is. Is it someone thinking out loud and not stopping the train of thought before it passes through their lips....a wow factor (only in my dreams...I doubt this one)? For those unclear, it would be....wow this a great guy, how can I be so lucky and he not be married?
The second (and in my opinion more likely) is the investigative question of "what is wrong with you" and merely posing it less uncomfortably with "why aren't you married." This possibility of a question presupposes several things....1. There is something wrong with the person being their age and not being married (I'm 32 by the way). 2. The only reason they are not married is because there is something wrong with them, and 3. a complete naivete, in that you think someone that has something wrong with them is going to tell you on that early in the relationship or even, don't make me say it, first date.
Now, if you meet someone that might possess certain qualities that superficially would make them appear to be a good person to date/marry/be the other parent to your longed for offspring (decent looking, good job, good personality, etc.), might I suggest to you that you don't pose this question. Why might you not pose this question? Well for starters, let's look at the above:
If your purposes are the more than likely #2, the other party would naturally be inclined to assume the same "problems" with you. Perhaps if you are asking the question, you have a reason that you are not married, and their is something wrong with you for not being married.
If your purposes are #1...might I suggest you keep the party in your head to yourself for at least date #4.
Lastly, can't a guy be 32 and just not have met the one? Maybe he didn't screw up in his life, he just hasn't found the person that will be the jelly in his PB&J? Or maybe, he wasn't all that interested in getting married earlier?
As in a wonderful movie which I am a fan of, the question was posed....."How do porcupines mate?" Answer...."very carefully."
As you get older in life, life becomes more your own...no longer are you the carefree high school or college folk with all of your life's dreams and ambitions in front of you, yearning to find someone to walk the windy paths side by side in perfect harmony. Instead you are (hopefully) a professional of some accord, having achieved some (if not too many) of your life's goals....therefore making relationships more of a risk because they open the door to potentially messing with that finely tuned schedule which has allowed you to scale the ladders belong to the grapes of wrath, filling your life with more headache than answers. (Yeah, I might be a bit cynical here, I'm just painting a fun picture).
As we get older, does dating become more difficult, not because dating is more difficult but because we are? Are we porcupines?
Anyways, ladies (and gents) do not pose the question to the other "Why are you not married?" Pose it to your girlfriend over drinks, or your sister in a phone call, do not pose it to someone you might be interested in....it just makes a guy (or girls) want to think that you are not so careful!
Thoughts? Did I read the question wrong?
4 comments:
Love the quote about porcupines, it is one my favourites; I used it the other day about the potential joining of our charitable initiative with an existing foundation.
I gave up dating several decades ago! There was no lady in my poem, although I may well frustrate my lady!
The key question is surely, why are you seeking one to one contact with members of the opposite sex? Is it with a view to finding a partner or not? The danger with your age (hark at the old man talk!) is that more than a few of available ladies of your age will have had a "failed" relationship already. Unless you see yourself as rescuing bruised women, this might be problematic.
You may be relaxed about age and time's passing, but others clearly are less so. There is this idea developing in NYC and the UK of Supper Clubs; basically someone opens their home for a dinner with a size stipulated and those who attend contribute to the cost. Dinner parties with a mixture of people might be a great place to address two of your passions!
What do I know? Don't listen the ramblings of a guy who can;t remember what is like to date for the first time.
Love the thoughts david. Once the house renovations are done....dinner parties are on like nobody else's business!
I better get an invite, that way I can vet the girls for you; that's if I am allowed in the country!
Or maybe he's 32 and single because instead of dating someone for a few months, figuring out they are not "the one" and moving on like normal people, he dates each "wrong one" for years and so becomes 32 while another dater might still be 23. But only if you'll allow a little razzing from your sister's friend. :)
Incidentally, I asked my husband that very taboo question, but we had been dating for a little while before I did. I think I thought he should have some idea why for certainly if a guy is self knowing enough to understand why he's still single, he might actually be ready to be single no longer.
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