Risky Questions

It was a normal evening. I had just picked Ben up from work and we were home. I was warming up the experimental dinner I'd prepared -- potato salsa fritatta -- and we were catching up on our days. And then the question came --

Ben: "So, how are those placebo pills working?"

Sharon: "What do you mean?" Pause...

Sharon: "Oh. Well, I haven't started my period yet. But it's only day two and it may take some time for my hormone levels to go down. I think I'm still adjusting to the birth control pills."

Ben: "Oh. Ok. Well, what if you don't get your period?"

Sharon: "Well, I have to start it. That's how the female body works. I'm not on the regular pills, so with the placebo pills my body will naturally start its period. It has too. It's cyclical, like the seasons. My body just does that."

Ben: "Right. But what if you DON'T start it?"

Sharon: ----------

Ben: "Sharon?"

Sharon: "But that wouldn't make any sense. I've been on the pill the whole time."

Ben: "Maybe it doesn't work for you."

I think I flat-lined for a few moments. ANd then I came back to consciousness. Loudly. And furiously.

WHAT!?!? And then the fear took hold. Is it possible that I am a super, unstoppable reproductive machine? Really? That doesn't seem quite fair. I don't really wanna be preg-- preg-- preg-a-nent. I mean. It's totally not a good time. I need to get a job. I have had a total of THREE different jobs this year. It doesn't look good to end like that. I'll have no future.

This world of having people ask me if I'm pregnant and suddenly realizing that each time, shockingly, this is actually possible, is frightening the bejeebers out of me. They need to stop asking me.

Then came despair. I'm totally out of shape right now! And they don't let you get back into shape while you're pregnant. They say that's bad. It would be so cruel to be stripped of my gym membership, be forced into out-of-shapeness and gain a few pounds and then be thrown into the depths of pregnancy. I can't even.... I don't know if I can bear it! And I've taken the pill so faithfully! Ok, there was the two day slip up while I was traveling. But after that two day slip up, I verified with TWO nurses that it would still work AND I didn't let you touch me for a month! How is this possible?!?

How can I, in good conscience, go to job interviews knowing I'm pregnant? And do they have policies like insurance companies that get them out of being considerate if you have a previous condition? And what about Sharon Charles? I suppose I can just work through and it doesn't have to change much. But it's a kid? If it doesn't change much doesn't that mean I'm ignoring the kid? I mean.... it's just not a good time. We've been married for like a day. I know I said I'd be sad for a while and then I'd get over it.... but I'm really thinking I might be sad for a REALLY LONG time. I could need longer than 9 months to get over it and be happy. I wouldn't have that much time....

It's happening. And I don't even have a choice. I have been taken from my job and thrown into housewife status and NOW I'm going to be insta-preggo right after? I SO did not think I was signing up for this! It's like a bad dream. Now I'm going to be shopping at target for the rest of my life. And I'll find myself adding cream of something soup to everything I cook. And I'll start wearing sweat pants and.....

I feel so... so TRICKED! They tell you sex is ok after you're married. But if you're a super, reproducing machine like me -- IT'S NOT TRUE. It's NEVER safe.

Then, from nowhere, a small ray of hope: It's ok. It's only day two. I could still start. I have a whole week to start. I want cramps. I want cramps. Start. Start. Please? No cramps. Please start? Nope. Now? Still no cramps. I waited all night. It was SUCH a long night. Ben put a movie on to distract me. The Aviator. Not a bad film. It worked. A little.

This my friends, was quite possibly the longest night of my life. OK, not really. But it was TOTALLY overwhelming! And reaffirmed that, though it may be socially and religiously appropriate and permissable to have children at this time, I really REALLY don't want any yet. I know, I know. Very unfemale instictual of me. But I just don't have the "I wanna be a mommy" gene. It's not my fault! Maybe it is. But it is, nonetheless, true. It makes me very weird. It may change in the future. But it's just how I am at the moment. I can't help it.

Alas, all is well and I woke up this morning with my wish. I am safe for now. And I've never been so delighted for cramps and all that attends them in my entire life.

But I think Ben should be aware that it is a great detriment to the future of our sex lives to ask me questions like that. Really.