Perspective

Very recently, I have been approaching life experiences as something to be endured and trudged through. And then, after I have "survived" or "gotten through it", I will then emerge on the other end with a notch on my belt or a check on my list. I have just realized how incredibly, unbelievably inaccurate this view is.

While I do hope to "survive", it is not me that will emerge on the other end -- at least not me as I am right now. And a life experience isn't just endured (even if it's one you'd rather forgo). It is, ironically, to be experienced. It is something that at least should, and probably will, change you. And at the other end of the experience, while you will emerge, it will be a different you. One that will never be the same.

So, I guess what that means is I should choose my experiences carefully. While I can probably endure anything, and the experience will end, I will still have to live with whatever me emerges at the end of it.

Moving Towards an End

I am dutifully,
sometimes mechanically, working
moving towards
the welcome end of an age
waiting for it to be easier
waiting for the sunshine to be brighter
for my sown seeds to show better promise
even if it is September

Unsettling to know
this is an easy road.
Easy for someone else
so absurd that I am so ill-suited
for my own tasks
why don't I find my way
to some other road
full of daisies and sweet smells

I don't think I am here
only for daisies and sweet smells
and I've heard it said that
things smell sweeter
when you know what it is
to be without their perfume
for me, when I reach that road
the daisies will be glorious and the smell very sweet

Trying to Find the Right Words

Sometimes I find myself in conversation with friends and need to explain something about my religion. And I find myself, in these moments, fumbling for verbiage that people not familiar with the mormon faith might be accustomed to. The problem is, I'm not sure what their lingo is. And I'm quite certain it's not mormon lingo.

For example, I'm pretty sure that only in mormon circles is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints synonymous with "The Church". I think saying that in other places could be odd (if not downright offensive).

And what about "callings". Do other churches have callings? I DO try to refer to my "ward" as my "congregation" or "church". But that one is easier than other translations. Most translations really aren't very easy. I know there are other people who go to church and they can relate to my involvement with my faith because they are also involved with churches and faiths of their very own. But they all seem to understand each other, even if they're not of the same faith. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like our terminology is a lot funkier. And more prolific.

Who came up with all these funny names and terms anyway? Wards, stakes, branches, callings, endowments, high counselors, home teachers, FHE. Somebody was just saying to me the other day that they thought it was odd that we (us mormon folk) always refer to kids as "young men" and "young women". And I hadn't even thought of that one! But once they mentioned it, I had to admit, it's a kind of dated terminology. And yet, I almost can't NOT use it. It's so familiar, so ingrained. But if I think about it, it's kind of a silly thing to call 15 year old boys, "young men". I mean, they GO to "Young Men's", but can't they just be teenagers, kids, adolescents... something? Why do I not use these words? Okay, maybe it's not silly to use that phrase. And it does describe the name of the actual organization. But when speaking about teenage boys from church in general terms, do I have to refer to them as, "one of the young men?" (because apparently I do.) It just sounds a little stuffy, perhaps.

We have a lot of terms. All things considered, I'm surprised we didn't come up with another name for baptism and the sacrament. Then we could really be hard to understand. Maybe I will get together with someone of another religious persuasion and they can help me develop a guidebook with phrases and terms that other faiths are familiar with that we could use as substitutes. This would make it a lot easier to communicate and speak matter-of-factly about day-to-day religious topics without confusing people of other faiths with our odd terminology. And I do mean odd.

I know we're supposed to be a peculiar people and all, but did we HAVE to take it so far? I'm just sayin....

Don't get me wrong. I'm not really upset about all the terminology. I'm just somewhat challenged in my efforts to talk with greater ease about church matters as I talk in passing with non-mormon friends and colleagues. And I notice, often, that what I was about to say was something that would make absolutely no sense to anyone who doesn't attend my church.

Uncharted Waters

Life is always changing. I love it for that. And sometimes I hate it for that. As I grow older, and try to grow a little wiser, I try to make sense of where I'm going and where I've been. Of course, where I am is also a good place to look.

I'm working away at school and work. I'd like to finish my MBA. I think it's a good thing to do. And Ben and I are working on building up savings and paying off debts ( my car loan is the big ticket right now).

I still consider myself as being in an adjustment period, despite the fact that I have now lived in Cincinnati and been married for almost 2 years. I think I will always be in an adjustment period, no matter how long I'm married for or where I live.

My independent streak doesn't die easy. There are some things I love about the single life. I lived it for so long. By its very nature, it lends itself to a lot of personal indulgence and even decadence. Married life has its own decadence, but there's no question that you give up some personal freedoms and, for me, a certain amount of irresponsibility that I felt entitled to while single. I'm so much more responsible when married. It's by all measures a good thing, but it's still different. I haven't gotten a speeding ticket married -- good thing. I haven't gone on an unplanned, unfettered or unrestrained shopping spree either -- probably also good but much less fun. I haven't gone missing for an entire Saturday, doing whatever I fancied and telling no one, since married. I will cease and desist in the things I miss about my life as a single girl. Suffice it to say, a few past indulgences are missed.

Now that I have my own family, my place at church has also changed. Before, I was single and I dwelt in a realm of singles at church. Now I am a married. And while I dwell among married people, I also dwell (pretty exclusively) around married's who have children. Ah, yes.... children.

I was in a gospel doctrine class in my home ward in NJ last week and heard a poignant comment made by my old YW President, "we tend to think of ourselves as exceptions to the rule." I could be a little paranoid, but some things I've read in the Ensign and church lesson plans, and things mentioned in conversations I've had with close friends and family, were ringing in my ears when I heard that. Most notably:

"you shouldn't put off having children."
"Don't wait to have children until you think you can afford them".
"You shouldn't put your career before children."

Are you noticing a theme? People haven't necessarily said it just like that, and for the most part my family has been very unjudgmental (at least to my face) about our not having children yet. But advice is advice and the Apostles of the Church tend not to mince words. And in one way or another, It's obvious that I am guilty of all of these things. Up until about 2 years ago, I waited to have kids because I wasn't married. That's a really good reason, in my opinion. And by the time I got married, I had at least a couple of things I wouldn't have had if I'd gotten married earlier (mostly, I think of my car loan and mortgage). So, I tend to think of myself as a little bit of an exception. But I have other friends who were married around my age. And I am hard-pressed not to notice that they have children or/and are pregnant. Their reality is proof -- I COULD go ahead and have a kid. The real crux of the matter -- I don't think I want to yet. And I admit to wanting things to be, "just so" before I have children. I don't know if it's really ok or if it sets me off as going on a path that would be better diverted. But I find myself on this path all the same.

Here I am, 30, married, acquiring my 3rd degree, working full-time and still marveling at, learning from and watching the morphing of this thing called marriage. I have hopes of being a working mom, and of having adorable children to cart off to Primary on Sunday who cling to me for comfort, like I see children do with their parents. It all looks very appealing in my daydreams.

But in the literal, less day-dreamy, version, it is a very binding thing to become a mother. And in consideration of how responsible I've become since I got married, there's only one direction I can go with the gravitas of motherhood. I don't know how much more responsible I can stand to be. I fear I might get lost somewhere along the way. Moms do that. And I really like me, meaty thighs and all... as egotistical as that sounds. As far as I can tell, I'm the best me I've ever had.

And then, even aside from whether I'd be a happy mom, there's the other end of it: would I be a good mom? I know I'd get the kids clothed. I'm pretty sure I'd bathe them regularly, make them brush their teeth and make sure they're fed healthy food and are educated. But those are all task-oriented things. I'm good at check-lists. There is more than check-lists to parenthood.

I have lost a lot of my playfulness in my embracing of adulthood, and, admittedly, I lack understanding for the unreasonable things that children do. I think I will not be the most empathetic or fun mother. I will probably be a party pooper and sometimes stern. I may even be impatient. For some reason, I have an overarching fear that I will be like my grandmother. I feared my grandmother. My most clear recollection of her is having her reprimand me for whispering in the back seat of her car shortly after she had reprimanded me for talking... in the back seat of her car. Ok, so I don't think I'd do that. And I know I can be a fun adult. But I'm not sure I'm much of a fun mom. I suppose I can relinquish funness to Ben. Is it ok for a kid to only have one fun parent?

My past years have brought me many opportunities. For the last 10 years, I was left with the task of being a responsible, independent, self-sufficient, happy adult. I already started to wend my way through this life. I am no blank slate. I take ownership of that path and I have appreciated who it has helped me become. But what about this new job? Admittedly, I'm a little timid and reticent to totally let go of what I know. I'm fumbling and procrastinating the inevitability of my retirement. I'm bracing myself before relinquishing my past career as an unfettered female. I suppose you could fault me for wanting to leave things "just so" before I start on this next journey. But part of me think it's fair that after all those years, I should be able to leave things neatly and finish a few things up. After all, I didn't exactly choose to be single all those years. And that time wasn't a little part of me. Right now, although I know it's temporary, it seems like it's a whole lot of me. I marvel most at how free-wheeling my friends are in letting go of it. I don't know how they do it.

I'd like my life to be moving in a happy direction. And as I walk this path, I hope, above all else, that it is the right direction. It's anybody's guess. I haven't wended this way before and it's nobody else's way but my own. It could be alright. It could be all wrong. But note taken -- I'll try not to take exception to too many rules.