Youth....how young our minds really are.

I was just having a little thought to myself. I am working on an issue in a big class action suit going on way away on the other side of the nation, and it got me thinking about a movie that I not too recently saw. North Country. That movie still amazes me at its recounting of history, and unfortunately, how representative it is of society.

To think that the first sexual discrimination class action suit was filed in 1988 (it became an actual class action suit in 1991). This gives us a whole 20 years since courts looked at sexual harassment as a class or group issue, and not dealing with specific instances. That isn't a whole lot of time for something of this magnitude to really sink in and change society. Let's not forget that the Civil Rights movement of the 1960's is still trying to permeate society in any real lasting effects.

I'm not even talking about how this has affected the issues we regularly have to deal with in regards to interaction between the genders in the work place, or even out of the work place. It just isn't that long of a time frame.

With this all being said, it makes me think about our minds and how young they really are. After all, a mind is only as mature as the thoughts entertained inside of it. Some young persons are extremely mature for their age, because of the depth and insight they have of seemingly "mature" calculations. In the 1920's no one would have thought that people thinking a women's place was only in the home baking bread was immature, sexist, or in any relation unacceptable, yet, here we are, applying the principles of agency to more and more of an individuals identity, yet I am sure that we are not applying it to many other facets.

I wonder what we will be thinking in 20, 30 or 40 years? Will we have expanded our notions of applicability of agency, or will we have regressed (my opinion of regression here deals only with the applicability of agency, not the choices made in that application). I am sure there are millions of things that I do that are demoralizing, minimizing or in some way confining of another individuals application of agency, yet am unaware or purposefully ignorant. What things do you think we are mentally immature about?

Visiting Disclosures!

So, I had some childhood friends and their spouses "pop" by for a visit the other day, and it was really good to see them, but in conversation with my fellow co-blogger, and in getting my panties in a ruffle over seemingly small and infinitesimal lapses in communication, I thought, what do you need to do in order for a visit to go smoothly?

Well, first and foremost, I think you need to say when you are coming. To say that you are coming for a visit could mean between now and the next decade, or post death. I don't know, but sometimes I have horrible nightmares about the dead coming to visit, and I don't want you to worry about fulfilling your promise to come visit me and risk me having a heart attack after seeing you in your ghoulish form.

Second, one needs to state who is coming. This can be interesting, problematic, and something I always took for granted. Who comes by and doesn't say who is coming by. Is it you? You and your spouse? You and fifty friends? If you tend to walk around in your underwear, or maybe with a facial mask on so you look like a blue alien, it would be nice to know that your kindest, sweetest most loving closest friend who has seen you like that and worse a million times is bringing by her brand new beau and the beau's really cute friend. After all, do you want to have to have a follow-up conversation disclaiming "I don't always look like a blue alien, and that holey, stained and discolored underwear fraying at the edges wasn't really left behind or stolen from my ex beau, that was just a funny little joke...ha ha." Bleh...that was horrible even typing it!

It is also important to inform the person you are visiting, what you are bringing with you. "What" should be interpreted as broadly as possible. In other words, you should also include if you are bringing any pets, mutants, deaf dumb or blind relatives who you think are insignificant, not impositional, or follow you around so much that you forget they are there. Also disclose any noxious gasses, influenzas or other sicknesses, lice, mice, fleas, and other small little critters which may decide to follow you or your famous "X" around despite your best efforts. I won't get into what needs to be disclosed or brought when visiting for a specific event, i.e. dinner, birthday, manage e trois, etcetera etcetera etcetera, but that should all be disclosed when coming for a visit.

Next, any and all desires should comfortably, without imposition, and almost begging, be clearly enunciated. This can include, "I would love to see your photo," to "would you play me your new song," all the way to "Can we roll around in the grass and stuff ice cubes down each others shorts so we look like we wet our pants?" Obviously there is give and take, with a touch of flexibility rolled into every visit and interaction. But if you know ahead of time that you would like something or to do something, aka can I sleep over? to I want to see X movie should be given a fair warning, or at a minimum no depression, complaining or infringement upon relations due to an inability or desire to fulfill said requests, demands or desires.

Lastly, alterations and changes to the planned visit should be communicated as quickly as possible, or at a minimum, before you are departing to arrive at said meeting place. The reason is, you may not know how your changes or alterations affect the other person. Although it may be something as minuscule as "I decided to wear my blue shirt instead of the yellow one." What if your dearest closest friend was counting on you to wear the yellow one because you have the exact same shirt in blue, and she is wearing the blue one. Might be a bit silly don't you think? It could also be as significant as "I feel ugly, fat and depressed and don't want to see anyone else by you," after you've decided autonomously that bringing along a new friend was just a peachy idea. So communicate everything you know as soon as you know it, after all, you are all friends.

Alas, that should make for a comfortable visit with even the most tenuous of relationships. Visit long, visit often, and make sure you disclose.

Where Greatness Comes From

Some people seem destined for greatness. I am currently reading, or perhaps rereading, I know Why the Caged Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou. I say perhaps because there have been a couple sections of the book that seem very familiar to me, but the rest of the book seems completely new. Thus, I would say I'm more just reading it rather than rereading because it clearly didn't sink in the first time I went through the book.. or 1/2 the book. What I did before was more akin to my eyes grazing across the words with no absorption. Anyhow, this book is a classic and I am thoroughly enjoying it this time around. I took a minute to read Maya Angelou's biography in the back. She's amazing IF you didn't know. This woman has achieved greatness. She has come up through very difficult circumstances, she has an amazing story, a worthy cause, a keen intellect and she can make music with words. In fact, she has been doing just that for quite some time.

There are some people who appear to be truly destined for great things. They are delivered this package of great potential and a perfect mix for going on to do something amazing with it. I watched soccer last night with Male and his brother. Argentina and Brazil were playing, their two rival teams. There was a player on the Argentina team who had amazing talent. He was probably all of 18 yrs old. He's already one of the best players in the world and making millions. I'd say he got a good mix for greatness.

And then I think of me. I keep doing things in life hoping that some day I might stumble across something I really want to do. In the meantime, I make do with what I find I have some kind of aptitude for, hoping to make as good of use of myself as possible while I figure things out. This does not seem to me to be a good recipe for achieving greatness, for the most part. I could be wrong. But it just doesn't seem like it.

Don't get me wrong. I don't feel sorry for me. I am lucky to have been blessed with many talents. I can draw pretty well. I sing well. I can write some fun songs on the guitar. I'm a good speaker...blah, blah, blah. However, none of these things are things I do amazingly. I'm average. Maybe slightly above average in a few things. But not great. I have yet to find the Greatness that Nelson Mandela was talking about being hidden within each of us that we're afraid of. I wish I could have a long talk with him about that quote of his. I've been looking everywhere for mine.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm letting it pass me by. I wonder what great cause I was given to champion that I am neglecting. What fabulous enterpreneurial endeavor am I failing to envision? Under what rock is my passion for "whatever-it-is" hiding that I have yet to unturn?

We may all not be destined for greatness. At least not the newspaper article, emmy awards, million-dollar income, or mass-hunger solving variety. Sometimes your not the man who will walk on the moon, or the next female real estate mogul. It reminds me of a poem that said something about, if you'r de tail don't ye try to wag de dog. Be who you are. Don't be what you ain't. So, what if you're a daisy? Your job is to recognize that and proceed to bloom like crazy. That poem made so much sense to me when I read it years ago. Just be who you are. Duh. Right.

There's only one trick. How do you know if your a tail or a daisy? I know it may take all the fun out of self-discovery and finding out, but I wish I had been given an outline for exactly what I was. I'm fine with being a daffodil if I'm a daffodil. But I'm not sure if I'm a daffodil trying to be a tree, or an artist trying to be an athlete or a whatever else one could be while not knowing and trying to be something else. I was giving so many average talents and more interests than I know what to do with that I'm not sure what to focus on. So it makes it a lot harder to just "get to it." Ya know?

As you can see, I find my life job description to be slightly less clear-cut than the poem might lead you to think it is. I have thus concluded it's a deceptive poem. I didn't know that years ago when I read it. Figuring out what you are is an adventure. A LONG adventure in my case. Someday I may achieve some kind of greatness. But imagine it will not be of the Maya Angelou, Louie Armstrong, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey variety. It will be...... something. I hope. How's that for definitive?

I think my job for the moment, while I try to figure out my job, is just to keep doing what comes across my path that seems worth doing. Someday Iwill know if I'm a daisy or a tail or a tree or whatever I'm supposed to be. And I can wonder and hope that between me and my great work, eventually one of us will find the other. In the meantime, the music of life continues. And to that I say, "Play on, friends. Play on."

Communicating with the opposite sex

Communication with the opposite sex is probably the most over written, understudied, lack of thought and teaching applied subject in the existence of the written language. And yet, it still irks, me, still drives me crazy, and yet I still come back for more later.

It is clear that girls and boys communicate differently, but do they? I often wonder if it is more that people desire different things, but they don't necessarily communicate what they really want, or may not know what they really want.

I have often thought, and I think it appears more and more to be true, that women have no clue what they want. Life is like a big bowl of cherries, and they want them all until they have stomach cramps and have to run to the bathroom. And then, a few weeks down the road, they decide they don't want cherries at all.

In the last several months/years/decades, I have had my fair share of time withe women, girls, and people of the opposite sex. One thing I have noticed is the difference is not that they communicate differently, but that they communicate at all. We all know that when a woman or man for that matter, really wants something, they make sure that they communicate it, or they get it themselves. I have never had a girlfriend who thought something was really important and did not voice it in a way that she knew I was definitely going to understand.

But all of the sudden, you get in a relationship, and you are supposed to be telekinetic. Next thing you know, I am getting brain waves about what that person wants/needs/desires. Hello, it doesn't work that way. If you want something say it.

But what seems all to common, is that a girl doesn't know what she wants, and loves it when she gets what she wants, and is upset when you guess and you get it wrong, because you don't hit that magic button even though she couldn't tell you what that magic button is, and may be only able to tell you what that magic button isn't.

Truth be told, this can probably apply to both sexes, but I more often than not come across it with girls, and all too often with girls I date.

So, communication, it isn't that the sexes communicate differently, it is more that when a guy wants something, he usually just says it, and if it wasn't worth saying, than it wasn't worth having. If a girl wants something, she jumps up and down, does a few cart wheels, and hopes that you recognized that she just requested dinner at some lovely restaurant in the mountains with an apricot souffle for dessert. No souffle, no happy!

Weekly Word, "Okay"

Here's a few scenarios for you:

1) You invite me to your house one evening. I arrive and ring your doorbell. You come to the door in a very timely manner and invite me in. Upon my entering, you ask if I would like something to drink. I respond, "I'm okay. But thank you."

2) You're on a date with your boyfriend. This evening is one of the rare occasions when you actually paid for the movie tickets. Before the movie, your boyfriend discloses the fact he didn't have dinner. After the movie, you ask your boyfriend if he's hungry. He responds, "I'm okay. I've got food at home."

3) A good friend comes by your house on his way home from class. It is an evening class, and the friend commutes to class from his home which is about an hour away. He arrives just as you are about to go out with another friend for a previous engagement. He looks exhausted. You ask your friend if he would like to sleep in your spare room, as he looks really tired and you'll be home in a bit. The friend says, "I'm okay. Just wanted to stop by and say hello."

In each of these cases, the term, "okay" is very vague. It's a politician's answer to an uncomfortable question. In each of these scenarios, whether or not the person is okay wasn't even the question! So why do people answer with it? We all wonder the real reason. Case in point, let's look back over the previously mentioned scenarios. In many of these situations, what the person really meant is hard to say. We are all left to guess and explore the possibilities.

In scenario one, the meaning of "okay" could be any number of things, such as:

1) I'm not thirsty

2) I don't want to trouble you

3) I don't trust your glasses because the last one I had at your house was dirty

In scenario two, the meaning of "okay" could be:

1) I have leftover pizza at home and I REALLY want to eat it because leftover pizza is my favorite food in all the world.

2) I left my wallet in the car because I didn't think I'd need it since you paid for the tickets, and I don't want to make you pay for dinner because I'm the boy and you're the girl.

3) My laundry should be done by now and I'd like to get home as fast as possible so it doesn't get that sour smell.

In scenario three, the meaning of "okay" could be:

1) I feel weird being in your house without you, even if I will just be sleeping there.

2) I have somewhere to be early morning, so I need to get home.

3) I really just came by to say hello. I did that. Now I'm outty.

4) Actually, I came over hoping for a booty call and since you won't be home, I have no reason to stay.


See how much we leave to a person's imagination when we use "okay"? Now, some of these responses are things we would never say. At least most of us wouldn't. Even if they were true. In which case, it may be best for you to be vague and say "I'm okay."

But what if you were offered a glass of water and your real reason for declining is "I'm not thirsty." Do you want to make the host wonder if perhaps you are too considerate to trouble her? Many hosts, in this case, are compelled to repetitively try to entice you and offer you a drink, just to make sure. Or she may wonder if you don't care for her lack of attention to detail in dish washing. Do you really want to cause this kind of undue stress to your host? Even more so, if you turn down your friend for a soft bed when you're tired, do you want her to be bouncing back and forth about whether it was for a booty call? Or perhaps she thinks what you really needed was to "TALK" and she is worried she isn't being there for you when you need her.

My advice in using "Okay" is that if it is possible, without causing offense, be honest and clear in your reasons. It leaves out the vague guessing game . On the flip side, when it may be more appropriate to leave things to vaguery (say, in the case of really not approving of your friend's attention to detail in dish washing), please feel free to say "I'm okay." I think, in that case, it's better to leave a question than to leave no doubt. Nonetheless, whenever possible, be specific. As with most terminology and wording, please careful in your choice of words, and use "okay" only when appropriate.

Psycho - delic

I messed around with some pictures I took today. I LOVE having a digital camera. Now if only I had photoshop. And a computer to put it on. :)

One Giant Leap for Mankind

Groundbreaking news, fellow Americans: Last week at the grocery store, I was able to buy exactly 8 hot dogs and 8 hot dog buns. I don't know if they have remedied the problem with hamburger patties and buns, but I consider the equal rationing of these two products into packaging so that a person is not over or under supplied with either product to be a huge sign of progress for the American people. Evidence that we really do evolve. What'll be next?

I vote for :

1) Reasonable cell phone packages that accomodate the consumer and not having to pay for text messages sent to you which you have no other choice but to accept.

2) All goods to be labeled with price stickers that are easily removable.

3) plastic packaging on software and other products that does not require the jaws of life in order to open them.

Anyone hoping for other ground-breaking, revolutionary changes?

The Weekly Word: "Sooner"

So, in my dating extravanganza, (It really isn't so extravagant, and there is definitely no ganza going on) I have come across the all too often situation of trying to figure out when to plan date number 2,3,4,5, etc. Although when you are a student and life is fairly up to your own making, once you hit the professional world, things are not the same. There is a schedule which you have to adhere to, and then there is the all too often pop ups, which you didn't plan on, and as a religious individual, we have the all so fun regular and sometimes unexpected church duties, meetings and obligations.

So, you are left to finding two individuals that have competing schedules, trying to navigate the all to common waters of....do I like you? Which leads to the question of, well, when do I see you next? And the common response I have often after a date is "Sooner rather than later"

So what does that mean? Well, I guess we could start out that Sooner is not later. Later being a longer time than sooner, yet both being undefined and left to interpretation.

If you were in law, you would rely on one of those funny things called precedent. Precedent is when you have a series of actions or judgments of the same terminology or situation, and how they were treated previously.

So that makes it interesting, I look at how we have scheduled "outings" or dates before. It seems that there might be a toughie. We have scheduled things eh, more likely later rather than sooner. Sometimes it is over a year between our dates, but recently it has been roughly a month or more between dates.

So, in that situation, sooner rather than later could mean a month in between is sooner, and a year in between is later. Wow, that is a long time, and despite precedent that doesn't seem conducive to the event scheduled.

Which leads us to then a common mans understanding of what sooner rather than later means. My suggestion would lead me to believe that sooner means less than a month, but more than a week. Somewhere in between that time of I want to see you again to the point of spending every waking minute, and the, we'll see each other whenever we have the urge or feel like it. There is more of an urgency in sooner than the lackadaisical approach of whenever I get a free moment, but actually looking for a free moment.

So, that leads me to the one and a half and 3 week timeframe. I doubt that unless I was the president or that busy, as in the book "He just isn't that into you," (which all individuals should read), a month in between dates is not sooner. We are not so busy that we couldn't find time within a month to schedule something.

The one and a half to three week timeframe leaves enough space to accomplish whatever it is that you have eating at you to get done, yet schedule one evening where you can plan on meeting up. Obviously it is more difficult in bringing to persons busy schedules together, but it isn't that hard. If nothing else, in that time frame the planning should have at least begun. Or at a minimal contact made.

So, what am I to glean from this sooner rather than later exchange? My assumption is that either my definition of sooner is very different from hers, or "She just isn't that into me!"