Horoscoping the GMAT

Tests are funny things. They seem so defining. They can be devastating or be the cause of much jubilation. They're often consequential. Almost always, they reaffirm or reveal what we know, as well as what we don't know. I recently took a pretty, little test called the GMAT. The results were enlightening and they've been on my mind ever since.

I'm relieved to report that getting the test results wasn't a devastating experience. I even did better than anticipated. All in all, I found the detailed results breakdown to be very predictable. I also found it very surprising. Ironically, the surprise was that I was shocked at how predictable it all was. I looked at the results and thought, "Holy freak! I should have expected these!" I've had similar breakdowns in ASVAB's, SAT's, ACT's, and GRE's. And I felt so labeled. It knew me. It knew about the other tests. It told me I hadn't changed much. And I just wasn't expecting all that.

With so many manifestations, one would think I'd have seen this coming, right? So, now that the GMAT has restated the obvious, I am left to wonder -- what am I supposed to do with this information? Or, better yet, am I doing what is best to do with this information? Because, clearly, these personal attributes are not going ANYWHERE. And I think a good strategy would be to accept and embrace these apparent strengths and use & abuse them for my benefit. Right?

FACTS ABOUT ME REAFFIRMED BY MY GMAT TEST

Fact 1. I am a good test taker, (especially with timed tests). I, likewise, work well under time constraints and things of immediate concern in most other areas of life. I'm a quick decision maker and I like to take action.

Fact 2. I'm really good with the English language. My verbal score was pretty kick-$@!, as was my analytical writing score. Again, I was marginally aware of this aptitude, but the GMAT made it blaringly obvious.

Fact 3. In math, I am not so highly aptitudinal -- I got a less than kick-!@& score on the quantitative section. Did I mention the test results were predictable?

In an effort to "accentuate the positive," I am left to consider my uncanny knack for all things verbal. And, to some degree, all things immediate. What does this mean? Does it mean anything? Maybe it's a loud call from the heavens that I should have really chosen to be a reporter. Or that I should be doing something more artsy and wordy and not what I'm doing now. My insecurity that I have yet been unable to etch out my perfect job has been totally exposed by this test.

I keep hoping that somewhere in the depths of the test results lies answers. Am I getting the right experience? Am I even close to being headed in the right direction? Is this mba degree pointless? Should I have really just taken the LSAT? I should have? Crap. (just kidding.) In my little subconscious, I believe these results mean something. I want to read the results like a horoscope section or an advice column in the back of a magazine. But if they are in fact anything remotely like that, they are also tragically more cryptic.

For now, the most certain meaning is that I can get into the MBA program here. That's the good news. The bad news is I think the results also just told me that I am forever going to be the assistant who people hire to write things for them. That is so less exciting than what I was hoping for.

PS - if you know anyone who knows how to do GMAT Horoscoping, let me know. Thanks. ;)

The Staging Area

Ben and I have had some interesting discussions over the last few weeks about what we're doing in Ohio. To buy a house? Not to buy a house? Exactly how deep are our roots here?

I'll spare you the suspense. We've decided we're in no rush to buy a house, so no deep root-growing happening here. We haven't even signed a 6 month lease on the apartment we've been living in for the last year and a half(though I think we might; you know, since we're not buying a house). We miss EVERYBODY and, while Cincy isn't so bad, we are thinking that our future lies elsewhere.

So this begs the question -- how temporary are we? What are we doing while we're here?

As some of you may have been able to decipher from my previous post, I have started an MBA Program. I have faint hopes of being able to finish this endeavor early, but it's supposed to take about two years.

I have very mixed emotions about this whole going back to school thing. Mostly one emotion pervades: I hate going to school. Clearly I'm a masochist. I not only work at a school, but I keep going BACK to school for my own education, OVER and OVER again.

But I have this insatiable need to be productive with my time. No, not THAT KIND of productive. Stick with me people! Why am I going back this time? An MBA is a great asset for future career opportunities, so if I can get one, and I can get it free with a little sweat and tears from yours truly, well --- it only seems logical.

NOT TO MENTION, what else is there for me to do in Ohio? No really. I'm not kidding. Well, I'm sure some of you could figure out how to spend your time productively in ways that don't involve school. But, for starters, I'm really not quite ready for kids(I'm selective about the kinds of productivity I'm into, apparently). I can't update a house because I don't have one. I can't hang out with all of you. And it seems like this MBA thing may be a "for a limited time only" kind of offer, considering my rootless presence here and it's only free while I work at my current job. And that it's easier to go to school BEFORE you have children as opposed to after. See what I'm sayin'?

Summarily, I know it's good for me, my career and our family's financial future and it appears time is of the essence if I want to do it. Do I relish it? In fleeting moments, sure. I do like learning things. But the rest of the time I roll my eyes and say, "School again. Ugh." I do that a lot, actually. (Sigh)

We could just pick up and go; leave the Cincinnati life behind us. But all things considered, we think it's best for us to sit tight for a bit. We want to make a smart jump, not just any jump.

So if not now, then when? We're not sure exactly when. 2 years. 3 years. Maybe more. Maybe less. But said jumping will likely happen as soon as possible, taking all things prudent into consideration.

And to where? We don't know that either. It's years away people!! The good news about the wait? I have time to persuade Ben that London is a great place to raise a family. :)

There's a negative to coming to this conclusion so early in our Cincinnati existence. It makes the next leg of living here seem long. Really long. We are talking about undetermined years and months of just waiting to move on. Harsh.

You can feel my yearning. I know you can. And you recognize it. That's because it is the yearning of students everywhere. :) I'll try my best to live and love my Cincinnati present. Living it up while working full-time and going to school is definitely going to be a challenge, but somebody has to do it and apparently that somebody is me.

It feels a bit like we're in a staging area; like we're building a set for a play that is to come -- the play that is my future happiness -- without school and after Cincinnati. The play's really the main event, isn't it? That's what everybody's waiting for. The staging is necessary, but incredibly less fun, and the costumes are nowhere near as glamorous.

All of this being said, I have a request. Should I find it wise, after having finished the MBA here, to go back to school once more, would you PLEASE commit me. I can officially be considered mentally unsound at that point and not capable of looking out for my own best interests. That is all I ask. Thank you.

Never Say Never

I thought I was done. Really. I thought I was on my way to other things. There are, after all, other things in life.

But then it started seducing me back. First it was waving its arms at me and jumping up and down saying how close it was. And then it started giving me deep bargain discounts. And THEN it said it'd let me start as soon as I wanted. It was BEGGING me to come. And doing it with such perfect timing.

I'm a sucker for a good seduction, so I guess it was inevitable. Who doesn't love to be wanted? To be desired? And subsequently seduced? I have fallen and succumb. and so here I am. Back. And willing.

I will submit. You may suck my time and tap my brain and abuse me with your often arbitrary grading systems. You may demand of me whatever you want. At least for the upcoming 3 classes, at which point I reserve the right to totally re-evaluate and get my brain checked.

But I have a feeling you've got me for the long haul. You have me in your grasp for the next 1 and a 1/2 years. I will serve you.

But know this. After I serve you, you will serve me. Rest assured little MBA Program. You WILL serve me. And you'll be paying me back dearly for the next lifetime once I'm through with you. Bring it.

Risky Questions

It was a normal evening. I had just picked Ben up from work and we were home. I was warming up the experimental dinner I'd prepared -- potato salsa fritatta -- and we were catching up on our days. And then the question came --

Ben: "So, how are those placebo pills working?"

Sharon: "What do you mean?" Pause...

Sharon: "Oh. Well, I haven't started my period yet. But it's only day two and it may take some time for my hormone levels to go down. I think I'm still adjusting to the birth control pills."

Ben: "Oh. Ok. Well, what if you don't get your period?"

Sharon: "Well, I have to start it. That's how the female body works. I'm not on the regular pills, so with the placebo pills my body will naturally start its period. It has too. It's cyclical, like the seasons. My body just does that."

Ben: "Right. But what if you DON'T start it?"

Sharon: ----------

Ben: "Sharon?"

Sharon: "But that wouldn't make any sense. I've been on the pill the whole time."

Ben: "Maybe it doesn't work for you."

I think I flat-lined for a few moments. ANd then I came back to consciousness. Loudly. And furiously.

WHAT!?!? And then the fear took hold. Is it possible that I am a super, unstoppable reproductive machine? Really? That doesn't seem quite fair. I don't really wanna be preg-- preg-- preg-a-nent. I mean. It's totally not a good time. I need to get a job. I have had a total of THREE different jobs this year. It doesn't look good to end like that. I'll have no future.

This world of having people ask me if I'm pregnant and suddenly realizing that each time, shockingly, this is actually possible, is frightening the bejeebers out of me. They need to stop asking me.

Then came despair. I'm totally out of shape right now! And they don't let you get back into shape while you're pregnant. They say that's bad. It would be so cruel to be stripped of my gym membership, be forced into out-of-shapeness and gain a few pounds and then be thrown into the depths of pregnancy. I can't even.... I don't know if I can bear it! And I've taken the pill so faithfully! Ok, there was the two day slip up while I was traveling. But after that two day slip up, I verified with TWO nurses that it would still work AND I didn't let you touch me for a month! How is this possible?!?

How can I, in good conscience, go to job interviews knowing I'm pregnant? And do they have policies like insurance companies that get them out of being considerate if you have a previous condition? And what about Sharon Charles? I suppose I can just work through and it doesn't have to change much. But it's a kid? If it doesn't change much doesn't that mean I'm ignoring the kid? I mean.... it's just not a good time. We've been married for like a day. I know I said I'd be sad for a while and then I'd get over it.... but I'm really thinking I might be sad for a REALLY LONG time. I could need longer than 9 months to get over it and be happy. I wouldn't have that much time....

It's happening. And I don't even have a choice. I have been taken from my job and thrown into housewife status and NOW I'm going to be insta-preggo right after? I SO did not think I was signing up for this! It's like a bad dream. Now I'm going to be shopping at target for the rest of my life. And I'll find myself adding cream of something soup to everything I cook. And I'll start wearing sweat pants and.....

I feel so... so TRICKED! They tell you sex is ok after you're married. But if you're a super, reproducing machine like me -- IT'S NOT TRUE. It's NEVER safe.

Then, from nowhere, a small ray of hope: It's ok. It's only day two. I could still start. I have a whole week to start. I want cramps. I want cramps. Start. Start. Please? No cramps. Please start? Nope. Now? Still no cramps. I waited all night. It was SUCH a long night. Ben put a movie on to distract me. The Aviator. Not a bad film. It worked. A little.

This my friends, was quite possibly the longest night of my life. OK, not really. But it was TOTALLY overwhelming! And reaffirmed that, though it may be socially and religiously appropriate and permissable to have children at this time, I really REALLY don't want any yet. I know, I know. Very unfemale instictual of me. But I just don't have the "I wanna be a mommy" gene. It's not my fault! Maybe it is. But it is, nonetheless, true. It makes me very weird. It may change in the future. But it's just how I am at the moment. I can't help it.

Alas, all is well and I woke up this morning with my wish. I am safe for now. And I've never been so delighted for cramps and all that attends them in my entire life.

But I think Ben should be aware that it is a great detriment to the future of our sex lives to ask me questions like that. Really.

Shoes, Clothes and all manner of attire

You'd think getting the dress would be the most difficult of wedding wardrobe needs. Indeed not, by my experience. I am, at this moment, sitting in a living room filled with over $4000 (totally to 12 pairs or so) worth of shoes from Zappos, Shoe.com and some other website, wondering which will be 1) the most useful in the future, 2) the most fun, 3) the most well priced for the amount of use, and 4) the most comfortable. This is, of course, absolutely absurd and hilarious because the only function they will serve on my wedding day is to make me tall enough so my dress doesn't drag on the ground and get me from place to place with relative ease. Nobody will be able to see them. And yet, here I am, something blue, something red, something gold, something silver, something sequined...... Oh my.

I got to thinking about clothes today and the significance in what you wear (not just on a wedding day, but in every day) and all it communicates about a person. I was actually thinking about this because I was feeling a wee bit uncomfortable in my own clothes -- not because they didn't fit right and not because they didn't look good. I was sufficiently satisfied with my clothes on both accounts. No, no, it was for quite different reasons.

You see, I was working today, but I wasn't the most productive (I'll be honest, I had an incredibly hard time focusing. My boss probably got a good 3 hours out my 8 that were worth paying me for.). As I went out on my lunch break to meet with the reception caterers, (this was about midday when I'd accomplished almost nothing), I felt like I was a bunch of pomp and circumstance.

Why would I feel bad? Because I know my clothes. They are, as I am a bit of a bargain shopper and a brand & fit snob, pretty nice and, at full price (though I usually get clothes on sale) almost always out of my price range and certainly out of my income bracket. But I get them anyway. And normally I don't mind this. In fact I very much approve and enjoy this. I feel that, especially in regards to my career and how I should present myself, it's a proper and well-fitted presentation. But not today. Today I felt like I didn't deserve to wear the clothes. I just felt like an overdresses, spoiled, entitled brat. Admittedly, as I thought this, I also thought of that sacreligious bit in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, when God is talking to them through the parted clouds, telling them to stop groveling and how he hates it when people grovel and to stop apologizing, blah, blah, blah. I laugh at the absurdity of my guilty conscience on occasion. But it doesn't change the fact that I still feel a little guilty.

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. I was really crappy at taking care of business today. Thus, I didn't feel comfortable in my nice work clothes. However, different clothes are different in this regard. On my wedding day, I imagine I'll feel quite the part and up for wearing the wedding dress. But not on any other day, I think.Then I think of evening gowns --- evening gowns are just a lovely thing because all you have to do to feel up for and appropriate to one of those is to get done up and have somewhere nice to go. Sometimes not even that. But career attire -- you really got to have things together to wear it well. They're a tricky thing, clothes. Sometimes outsides really do match the insides. Of coures, I suppose some people don't have to match their clothes. Like those people who don't really care or pay attention to their clothes -- though I just can't imagine... How interesting. How do they do it? And then you have Hollywood. It's almost entirely pomp and circumstance there (in my humbe opinion). In any case, no matter whether other people do it or not, I like to match inside and out. Or at least to think that I do. :)

Can't Hardly Wait

So, there are many changes in life that I could be anxiously awaiting. Waiting for the wedding, waiting till I get to have all of my family & friends come into town, waiting to figure out the honeymoon plans... But there is one thing I can really HARDLY wait for and it can't happen SOON ENOUGH.

If it weren't for all the planning and time needed to prepare, I would say it's the wedding, but it's not. It's starting at my new job! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! And why do I anticipate it with such little patience and so much enthusiasm!?

Well, I could say it's because it's a great new job. It is. And I could say it's because they have some exciting projects going on. They do. But one factor trumps all. I can't wait to get away from my current creepy, icky, unstable, spawn-of-the-devil boss. Have you ever met someone and wondered how the heck they got to where they are? Ding, Ding, Ding!! Tis this man. Several somebodies have had severe lapses in judgement. Repeatedly. And I lay my complaints and all the blame at their feet, wherever and whomever they are.

I realize this might come as a shock. It comes as a bit of a shock to me too. I rarely dislike people, especially so strongly. However, as it is, I've got "it" bad. I keep telling myself that I don't have any ill will towards this man, but I don't actually believe that's true. I actually HAVE ill will (OH MY GOSH!) and I think I SHOULD feel really bad about that. Really bad. How do I know.? Well, I wondered a bit at firsxt, but I had my first clear sign when news got out that the poor man's basement flooded and I founnd a smile moving across my insides. Sometimes I find it very hard to behave myself! "How did this become good news? I'm confused. But it seems to be good news. It feels like good news.... Huh. I think he's turned me to the dark side...." So goes my inner monologue.

I feel less bad, admittedly, because I am so supported in my disdain for him. I've never worked for someone so wholly and unanimously offensive to people. All my coworkers help foster this distaste I have by regularly reporting the disrespectful, dishonest, condescending, hypocritical and insane things he does & says. But alas, I will be completely detached and will see nor hear nor speak of evil -- because I'll be at a new job and my boss here won't be there to see, hear or speak of! Just two more days.... I can do it.....Can't wait for Monday. La la la la la. Can't, can't wait. Oh boy.

Milestones

This Tuesday, I left for Colorado Springs on adventure that is most appropriately titled, "My First Business Trip". I've always wanted to go on a business trip! It wasn't nearly has glamorous as most. It was a quick trip and completely devoid of company perks and luxurious amenities. Nonetheless, it was an adventure and I had a great time.

Here's a photo of me arriving in Colorado Springs on Tuesday evening:


I went straightway to my rental car provider where my chariot awaited, in the form of a Dodge Caliber. After having asked the rental car staff for directions, they had a bit of advice for me: "Uhh, you should be careful. That's not exactly the best part of town." Nice!

I went straightway to my luxurious accommodations at the swanky Travelodge -- not exactly the Broadmoor. But hey! We're nonprofit. What do you expect? It didn't seem too bad, really. Of course, I'm from New Jersey, so I might have a skewed perspective. But there were no sketchy broken windows with creepy prowlers and dealers on the corner. Travelodge had internet access in the lobby only (but it was TOTALLY free), so I hung out there till about 12 sending emails and.. well, goofing off really. There was a lovely, friendly-looking dog behind the counter of the front desk and lots of asian people, who appeared to be management, hanging out and starting to play old 80's ballads as we approached the 12 o'clock hour (which is apparently also the karaoke hour?). Despite they're eccentricities, the crowd proved harmless.

The next morning I got free breakfast! Travelodge is seriously growing on me at this point. Especially when I found my hotel room free of hair in the sink and all other forms of ickiness. Ok, so my standards aren't very high. But the fun asian management people were a total perk. Who wouldn't be endeared to petite, middle-aged, balding men who sing power ballads at midnight?

After breakfast I wisked myself away to training. It was hosted by the Olympic Complex. I didn't know the official complex for the Olympics was in Colorado Springs. But it is. So, now you know. It was pretty cool. My favorite feature was the juice station they had in the hallway. YUM!

After the conference, I had an afternoon to kill before my flight. the gentleman that was next to me on my flight the day before had recommended some local attractions. The most appealing to me of his suggestions was the Garden of the Gods. Here's a couple pic's of its beautiful vistas:





As you can probably tell, the rock formations were HUGE and totally cool. Here's a close up:


I also encountered another close up. There was a deer right on the walking paths there who didn't seem phased by the tourists. I admit, I've seen a million deer before and it's NOT a big event, but he was so CLOSE. And I had a camera!! I had to take a picture. Several pictures. I was trying to photograph him/her in a discreet manner so as not to startle the beast. Well, I was successful in being discreet. AND so was the deer. So, they're a bit more of a "Where's Waldo" experience rather than "Look How Close the Deer Is." But I'll post them anyway. Can you find the deer?




I was disappointed to find there was no fitness center at the luxurious yet amenity-lacking Travelodge. To my rescue and my delight, there were trails at the Garden of the Gods. Most accomodating. Here's me at the Garden of the Gods after my run:


After that, I went through the shops in Historic Old Colorado City, which was lovely. At last, I was kind of done with everything and lost my adventurous spirit. I also worried I might run out of luck and actually get myself lost, so I decided to head back to the airport and get some work done till my flight left for home.

I'm amazied I managed to get to everything without screwing it up. You'd almost think I was a responsible adult. Well, not quite, but there may be hope for me yet.

Other career news: I was actually on the news Wednesday morning w/ the KJZZ Cafe. My organization sent a shipment of supplies to Myanmar, so they featured a bit about us and apparently almost everyone else at my organization is camera-shy. Good thing their PR girl is a total ham! :)

New Job

So, I started my new job last week. I am the PR and Development Manager. Whatever that means. It is, officially, the coolest job I've ever had. I'm quite pleased they've taken me in. The work they do is inspiring and they do good ALL OVER THE WORLD. Love it. And the work I do is actually fun for me. Not to mention, my commute is 10 minutes and I haven't had to get gasoline for my car in over 4 days, which is probably the first time that's happened in almost two years. Ahhh, how fabulous.

The funniest/oddest part of my job is that it involves quite a bit of PR. You might have guessed that by the title, I suppose. It surprises me, even so. I'm not sure why they structured it this way or entrusted me with this responsibility. I think we both saw my resume. Yet somehow, here I am. Of course, I'm always up for something new and exciting. I look at it as a fun adventure for me. And it's a fabulous outlet for creativity. However, from my organization's perspective, hiring someone so green to PR as I am and just handing it all over like they have... it seems a bit... what's the word... brash? risky? imprudent?

One caveat to this point of view: I have a habit of underestimating myself and thinking less of my experience level than perhaps I should. For example, when I got into the college I had wanted to and which had a reputation for being competitive and selective, my first thought was "I guess they're not so selective after all." Okay, so I still think that.

Anyhow, I started working on the annual report for the organization and slicing and dicing stories that are coming to me. As my work in progress is taking shape, I find myself thinking, "Huh, perhaps they're not as naive as I thought. That's not half bad-- and a *?&! of a lot better than last years, for sure. Why didn't I start doing this earlier?" Who would have thunk it..

Finally!

I swear, I've been on the job search for an eternity. At least it felt like eternity. It's probably been 4 or 5 months. I can't remember when I started. And it's been a long haul. There have been interviews. There have been 2nd interviews. But never the job offer. At least, not from the job I wanted. And then..... it happened! Hurray! Yippee! I can hardly believe it! I can hardly wait! But I have to, for two weeks. If I can survive the commute in the every-other-day-mob-by-snowstorm we've gotten lately, then I will finally be there.

I just got hired by this fabulous nonprofit that ships donated medical supplies all over the world. Yeah! I can finally start helping to save a village in Africa. You've no idea how long I've had that on my to-do list. And they are training me to be their development director. I'm SOOOO excited about that. And the commute is 5 minutes from my house in Salt Lake. How fabulous is that?! I'm already daydreaming about how much extra time I'm gonna have to go to the gym. And I won't really have to work at Chloe Lane. So I can do LOTS of stuff. Like go to church on Sundays. I might even be able to pick up my guitar on occasion. And hang out with people on the weekends. And go to Will's "rock band" parties. Ok, I may or may not do that.

Anywho, I also don't need to get a new car so soon. Thanks for all the feedback, you guys. Really, you're great. But I'm happy to say, though a new car would have been fun, I don't have to get one just yet. I can wait till I can better afford it. And until I can afford the hybrid or diesel version. Double bonus.

Diversify, Diversify, Diversify

What to do, what to do.... Currently, I find myself going in a million different directions. As usual. Good to know I am, if nothing else, consistent.

Working and having an education in the nonprofit field and being involved in revenue development, I have a keen understanding in the need for diversified funding sources, which is a very sensible adherence to the belief that you should not "put all your eggs in one basket." Nonprofits are better positioned and more stable when they have at least 12 to 15 different sources of income. That way, if one should pull out on you, it won't sink your organization.

Well, apparently I take this advice to heart. As I see it, I am, on a smaller scale, my own little nonprofit. Heaven knows most of my personal pursuits are of the kind that suck money rather than generate income, which is as nonprofit as it comes. And indeed, I have found that my approach towards income, as well as marketability and experience, is to diversify, diversify, diversify. I can't help it.

Take NOW for an example:

1) I work at a nonprofit organization. I'm also currently (please don't tell my boss), looking for a job at another nonprofit organization.

2) I also work part-time at a clothing store.I like it there. A fun little fact about our store: we were just featured in a NY Times article last week. I almost felt famous because I work there.

3) I like to sell things on Ebay when I come to possess things I don't have a use for or no longer want. I like doing that. It amuses me.

4) I have a studio in Park City that doesn't really generate revenue, but it does generate tax breaks and equity.

5) In addition, I am applying for a slightly higher-paying part-time job at a restaurant. I, of course, have no intention of quitting the first part-time job at the clothing store, as I like the store, they are nice to me and they need help. I will simply take on this and then pop in and work at the clothing store "whenever I have time."

6) New and incredibly fun, I am starting to design dresses and my sibling and I have in the works plans for launching a women's line of formal dresses: beautiful, well-made, dare I say "sexy" and classy dresses for women who prefer not to walk around half-naked in order to catch someone's eye.

7) And then, there is the LSAT and contemplation of undertaking three years of law school and taking the bar to become a lawyer.

That's not 12-15 sources, and they don't all generate revenue yet, but it's more than a handful of options. How do I not feel all over the place? The answer to that: I do. But I'm used to it. I've had my hand in too many honey pots since I was a freshman in high school. The only difference is when I was in high school all my honey pots were non-revenue producing clubs and activities (I've grown slightly more lucrative in my old age). With these 7 or so pursuits, one might think that my basket "overfloweth". And, to be honest, I really wonder how one person can do all of this. I don't know that it's possible. I think I need five lives to be able to do all the things I have an inclination to think are interesting and want to pursue.

Who knows if all of it will happen. Does it really matter if it doesn't? I don't think so. And it won't happen if I say it won't and don't try, right? So, try is what I do every day. I get done what I can get done, take life as it comes, and make plans. Some plans don't happen. Some do. Some succeed. Some fail. I've been on the job search for a better and better-paying job for about 3 or 4 months now and what I have uncovered? Most recent: 2 "no, but thank you for interviewing's" this week. OUCH. And yet I have hope.

I got down about it once and told my boyfriend, Male, I felt unemployable. He laughed and reminded me that I currently have three jobs. It's easy to get down about interviewing and about opportunities you want that don't seem to come easily. But I think, when I am thinking rationally, even though my present situation doesn't reflect it right now, that I will have the income, ability and time to take all the risks I need to pursue whatever I want. Maybe even everything on my list. I'm young yet, and throughout my life I imagine I'll be in many different phases and places. One thing I like about being born in this age as opposed to 30 years ago is that careers now-a-days change so much and people pursuing new things is commonplace. So, I'll keep talking crazy and making lots of plans. Diversify, diversify, diversify.

'Tis WHAT Season?

Many years ago, when I was a struggling awkward teen, I was also melo-dramatic, riddled with black and white, defeatist thinking and sitting through life, waiting for good things to happen to me. Of course, very few really did. It took many years of trial and error to figure out how to be the instigator of my own good things. I started exercising and eating well (this was a process akin to evolution, and it takes just as long. Talk to me in a few millenia and I may have truly evolved by then.) I became actively engaged in my education and started getting involved in things of interest to me. Suddenly, life was mine for the taking. Opportunities abounded. I became I doer and one who controlled my own destiny. I could get whatever I went after if I had the ability to achieve. Or so I thought.

Nowadays, I'm not too sure how much control I have. I definitely have a hand in things. But control? Hah! For example, take my weight (I apparently like to talk about my weight). True, I weigh less than I did in high school, now that I have regular exercise, a higher muscle mass and eat a more balanced, regular diet. Within certain limits, however, my weight fluctuates of its own accord. For the past six months I have fretted over five pounds. As far as I can tell, I haven't been eating all that differently than I usually do. Nor have I been exercising that much more. But I've been THINKING about it a lot more. I have been anxious and scrutinizing about exercise and eating. When I found those five pounds, or when they found me(as I suspect they did) I MADE SURE I did not overeat and MADE SURE to exercise -- as opposed to when I normally I just do it without thinking. Despite this mentally deliberate behavior, the five pounds rested defiantly on my frame, unbudged.

Now we segue into late summer/early fall. My habits remain the same, with perhaps a few less cold smoothies for lunch. But I still eat ice cream for dinner on occasion. I exercise, but my ankle hurts so I've been resting a bit. I gave up on the five pounds and, instead, bought jeans that fit.

And now? It appears the pounds are shedding themselves from me. That's right.I predict that soon, those fabulous new jeans I just bought will be a fixture in my dresser, waiting to reappear on the occasion those five pounds decide to visit again. I really can't take any credit for this weight fluctuation. I have changed nothing. To be honest, I don't think I have enough discipline to change much if I tried. By now, I think the pounds just come and go as they please. And I must say, it provides little incentive to ever enlist the help of a trainer or a nutritionist. Instead I feel like I should surrender to the master of my hormones, or fate, or the winds that blow, one of which MUST be the cause of all this.

It seems that way with the rest of my life too. Seasons when I need lots of sleep, seasons when I run around all day, seasons when I have lots of obligations, seasons when I can't stand to have any. Seasons when I keep in touch and make plans with everyone and seasons when I seem to lose touch with the world. These are all kinds of seasons I seem to have little control over. They just happen to me. I couldn't get myself to do anything else in a given season than what I seem to do. My only hope is that, as I pass from one season to another, I remain enough of a constant as to not alienate everyone and everything I pass to and from.

Right now is a season of many changes. I am considering career moves. Maybe a new job. Maybe a law degree. Who knows? My living situation is changing (no, I'm not moving. But everyone around me is.) My focus at work is more zealous and on-task. I can't seem to stop working (what a lucky employer I have.) I'm cleaning more often.

It's like an awakening. I didn't know I was asleep before. And why this awakening? I can tell you for one thing, it's NOT A conscious effort on my part.I barely know what hit me! Why me? Why now? Why not six months ago or in a year and a half? My brain is abuzz with ideas. I want to paint my room. I want to study for the LSAT. I want to change careers. I want to be in a play. I want to travel. I want to do my hair and get fresh makeup and a fresh new look to match. I have a vision, and by golly-gee it must be realized! At least some of it. My vision is so pretty, it would be such a waste to have it not be. Especially those new shoes I've been dreaming about. Pretty vision, indeed.

I graced this awakening with a spring cleaning this past weekend. Yes, I know it's fall. What can I say? I'm a late bloomer. My car was cleaned inside and out. And I organized and filed all my papers -- that's the sign of true cleaning effort for me. I never touch papers until "it's time". I think I needed an organized clean space for me to create, dream, do and realize -- apparently a must-have in a season of change. I even bought new towels and hot pads for my kitchen! I haven't done that since I moved in three years ago. That's a definite sign. A sign of what? I'm not sure, really.

Things are shifting, and so I shift too. And I have all these ideas and so many dreams. I wake up each day and make a plan, and start to "make things happen", thinking I might be moving towards my goal. Like an artist, taking various colors and objects and making a masterpiece, only I'm working with my life and not a fabric canvas. I try to create the picture I want and go for whatever it is I think I'm after.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I bother. Despite where I will the winds to take me, I am certain they will take me wherever they darn well please. So much for control. But I DO get to choose what I wear every day. I'm certain of that. Thus, I think God put me in charge of wardrobe.... and that's about it. Let's hope this piece of work includes a female who looks very well put-together, whether she be plus or minus 5 lbs.

Money, money, money

Last week, a friend offered me a job. Actually, she told me about two jobs at her company to which she wanted me to apply. Two jobs that pay considerably more than my measly little nonprofit job. Not only do they offer more, but they require less of me. For them, I need to know how to run an office and answer phones. For my job, I have to have a master's degree......

That's enough to make a girl think. And boy, have I been thinking! I thought a lot about the money. I like money. Heck, I have TWO JOBS, just so I can do stuff with all that money. But then I decided not to apply.

"Sharon, you are nuts!" you say. I know. I can also hear my dad's advice playing in my head over and over, as it's never quite drowned out. He says, "Ultimately, you work to make money. The end." So true. And yet, not ONLY to make money. There are louder voices.

Why I'm not going to apply:

1) My job hired me with the desire/intent to have me stay for about 2 yrs. Maybe I won't give them a full two years, but I've only given them 11 months so far. And they've had a lot of staff leave lately. I'd really be screwing them over if I left. So, I don't think I'd leave even if I applied and they offered me the position.

2) I'm actually using my degree at my job, and it gives me great experience. That could be very valuable for a future doing what I WANT to do and getting paid more later, rather than taking a no brainer job that could lead me to more no brainer jobs in a career that pays but has no appeal to me. If money was the only priority, would I have studied nonprofit management?

3) If money was the only priority, would I have studied nonprofit management? (I thought that point was worth reviewing... why DID I study nonprofit management????:))

4) I think I can convince my boss to give me a raise at my year mark. And that's only a month away.

5) If I don't get a raise, I can at least give back to the org. for the great experience they've given me. And I am optomistic that after that point, there will be more opportunities to make more money. It's not like that's the only job on the planet that will ever come my way.

6) Ahh, but HR's look at my previous salary, and just having a higher salary might get me better pay doing what I like to do in the future... I thought about that. But I don't think that applies the same way to the nonprofit field. They don't have the flexibility with their salary budgets that for-profit companies do.

7) Why be faithful to an empoloyer? Employers aren't that faithful to employees. Do what's best for you... a sound, good argument. I've been burned before and am leary of employers. But my job is pretty secure where I am. And they've treated me well. And it is a cause I am passionate about. And I have projects I want to see through to the end.

8) One could always make more money. But do I really need more money? Right now? Nah...

9) I really am a little crazy.