Finding Peace in the midst of ALS

This month, I had the opportunity to visit my brother Jon's family twice. The first visit was at the impetus of my brother, Gerry, who lives in London and wanted to visit. Six of the seven Neu siblings were able to gather at Jon's house, working on home improvement projects, visiting, and eating yummy food. I went up yet again two weekends after to help with more home improvement projects and just try to be of service.

With each passing week and every visit, I think about this diagnosis. I try to understand it. How should I help? How should I feel? How DO I feel? Should I be doing this differently? Should I be understanding this differently?

When Jon was first diagnosed with ALS, it was very difficult to come to terms with. I read books about the disease, and the odds he faces.My family members and I started a frenzy of fasting, praying, pleading for healing, for beating those odds. I grappled with images and stories of others with ALS, like the Team Gleason commercial above, and  the documentary "Indestructible". Putting Jon's face into these stories causes me such anguish, even if the stories are infused with hope.

We don't know what the future holds.  But we must acknowledge our reality, including the fact the disease is progressing. While coming to terms with this reality is still difficult, I find peace in these thoughts:

We all still have a lot of hope for that better future. Miracles and cures are always possible.

I repeatedly remind myself that I have not actually lost my brother. In fact, I'm lucky he's still here. Some people lose their loved ones in an instant -- wonderful people who are treasured, just as much as my brother.

Despite my good fortune, I repeatedly experience feelings of devastation and loss. This will likely not stop. And it's OK. Obviously Jon is not gone, but the invincible Jon, and my expectations of a future invincible Jon -- they have been diminished. That is something to grieve.

As much as I feel overwhelmed to process this, I struggle even more to imagine how it would feel to be Jon in this situation. As I consider how to manage emotions in this uncertainty, I try to remember to be most mindful of his.

We, his extended family, fumble with how to anticipate and accommodate Jon's family's needs. But it's a kind, loving thing to fumble with.

My sister is picking up her whole family and moving to Minnesota, just to be there in case that would be helpful. She's awesome. My whole family is awesome.

It doesn't matter to me whether they "really need something" or if something could be put off till later. If there is something to do and I'm able,  I will seize the opportunity. We may not be able to move heaven and earth, or cure my brother, but we can do everything within our capacity to help-- if for no other purpose, just to prove that if we could, we would. And we do.

I am unwilling, despite my good fortune that his disease is not taking him from us more quickly, to give Jon up to ALS. Even if losing Jon to ALS was inevitable (which it's not). I won't give him up till I have to.

2013 Retrospective

(2013 -- aka the year I learned The Cups Song)

I have found myself, over the course of the year, and probably EVERY year, thinking about how things are not happening fast enough, I am not accomplishing enough, etc.I often feel behind in life when I get to the end of my year. Perhaps it is because I am so busy doing the same things that I forget I'm doing anything and then I think I should be doing more things because my base level of things just doesn't seem amazing enough.

 I was having this thought over again during this past month. And then I argued with my thought and I started taking a short inventory of all the change in my life, just over this past year. I realized that quite a bit had happened which I was failing to measure. In that spirit, I have compiled a Top 10 of 2013.

Top 10 Laudable, Fulfilling Dones of 2013

1) I started a new job as Program Manager of Community Engagement at the Medical College of Wisconsin. They haven't fired me yet And I am slowly figuring out what that means, so maybe I can explain it when you ask me.

2) I started renovating our downstairs bathroom. It involved a lot of demolition, staining/varnishing of wood trim, designing color palettes and choosing finishing touches. It's not done yet. But that's because I need a contractor for the last remaining pieces, and he's been kind of sick over the last month. So, that's the downside. The upside is the bathroom is at least functional again. And it will be finished soon. I will post about it. With pictures. I promise. It's not a total renovation. It's just low-budget makeover. But I'm loving it.

3) I was the advisor/teacher for the Mia Maids for many months in my ward here in West Bend. And I loved it. And all the Young Women. They're awesome. They released me just this past month and I already miss it.

4) I am now the YW Secretary for the Appleton Stake. It's my first stake calling and I really am not sure how I feel about it. The good news is the other ladies in the presidency are awesome. On initial testing of the waters, I feel confident in saying, ward callings are more fulfilling than stake callings. But it's a worthy cause, so I'll keep plugging away and perhaps stake stuff will grow on me. 

5) I dipped my feet back into the waters of theater and participated in community theater in a One Act play by a local playwright. I was Eve. I had fun. And I made some wonderful new friends who I still need to invite over my house for a fun little reunion.

6) Ben and I traveled to Utah for my family reunion and celebrated my parents' 50th Wedding Anniversary. And we got to see a lot of wonderful faces that I love and don't see often enough. 

7) I started a new cooking habit. When making any yummy food, I make at least 2, if not 3 or 4, times more than we want and freeze the rest into one-meal-size packages. One of the best life hacks I've adopted. It's the gift of a meal that keeps on giving. My lazy self loves this and Ben seems equally pleased. 

8) We planted something. It's our first year owning a house. And one of the perks to home ownership that I have been waiting for is having things growing and blooming. We planted a bunch of baskets all over the deck this summer, and they were gorgeous. I had a lovely view of them from the kitchen all summer long and I loved it.

9) Jon & Anne and their family took us with them to the Boundary Waters back in August. It was absolutely beautiful, and Ben and I were delighted to have such lovely company to adventure with. And adventure we did, canoeing, portaging, camping, and blowing billows into the campfire. And I think all of the mosquito bites on my legs are now healed. 

10) We were hoping that having a house might bring about more visits with family & friends. And our wish came true! We have loved having Jon & Anne and their kids come stay with us, since being in Wisconsin makes us just a short evening's drive away. We go up there on weekends, and they have come down to see us several times. It's pretty much awesome. We also had a visit from Mesha Hawkins (Whaley) (for anyone who doesn't know, my forever friend and companion inseparable from pretty much all of my pre-college education years) for a weekend (epic and awesome), and Ben's brother Daniel came to see us for July 4th (also fabulous). Nothing makes home feel more homey than family and friends. Come see us more! We love it!

Despite all my laziness (which, I confess, there was some), it looks like 2013 was pretty eventful. Life keeps on moving. What will I endeavor for next year? I'm not totally sure yet. And, as usually happens, life has plans of its own and cares very little for what I put on the agenda. But I'm looking forward to it!

Alternate Reality -- Does Everybody Have Weeks Like This?

I have had some odd perceptions over the last week.

1) While driving home from work earlier this week, I distinctly sensed an odor a la toasted bagel while driving on the highway. A lovely, cozy smell, to be true. But I was suspicious, as I've never smelled this on that stretch of road before,or any stretch of road. But I had no one in the car with me to verify or discredit that I was crazy for thinking I smelled toasted bagel.

2) While talking with Ben one evening this week, with tired eyes, everything around him became washed out, the light in the room started masking everything, and making it fuzzy, and all I could really see clearly was Ben in the middle of it all. It was like a filter had been applied to a photograph, only it was my real line of sight and not a picture at all. It was difficult for me to focus my eyes enough to make the effect go away, and I ultimately was so bemused by the effect that I stopped trying and just enjoyed the unusual visual perspective.

3) As I was walking out of my office door this morning, it felt like there was a wind current going through the hallway that made the door difficult to open. In reality, it's just a heavy door and I realized after I opened it that there was probably no more resistance in opening it this morning than there has been any other day I've opened it. And there was, most definitely, no wind in the hallway.

I have instinctively manifest some unusual interpretations of the world around me and my senses are getting creative with what they tell my brain is happening. Shoddy first guesses, to be sure. This first lead me to think I'm becoming more of an artist, as this must be often how they experience the world. My second thought is that I'm losing my mind. My third thought is that these are essentially the same thing. I'm in trouble.

Fasting

I am waiting on some things.

#1 -- for a job interview call
#2 -- that I hope may result in a new job
#3 -- to finish my classes & degree (one month to go. I can do it)
#4 -- to move

And for some reason, this has resulted in fasting. Not food fasting. No, no. I am definitely an eater. Fasting these days includes:

#1 -- shopping fasting. Since July, believe it or not. And I think I will hold out till one of the above things I'm waiting for happens before I break said fast. I even returned my birthday presents, so not even that was given an exception.

#2 -- working out. For some reason, I can't get myself there. It's only been about a week. But even the few weeks before that I only got there once each. I think I'm just too mentally overwhelmed and full of anticipation.

Fast #1 is definitely deliberate. Ben was pretty unpleased when I took birthday items back to the store. But I just don't really want anything. And I want the satisfaction of shopping when I really have some exciting news to shop for. Weird? Perhaps. But it should benefit our bank account. I could do worse.

I'm hoping my end to fast #2 comes sooner than my end to fast #1, since I don't anticipate any of the items I'm waiting for will bring an end to fast #1 within the next few days. But I'll get there. Whatever funk I'm ever in eventually goes away.

Shew, funk. Shew.

Clothing Conversations

Over the past weekend, Ben and I have had a few comic exchanges in regards to wardrobes. They were too amusing not to share. J

Friday morning, before I am about to leave for work:

Ben: Sharon, you look really nice today.

Sharon: Aw. Thank you.

Ben: Yeah, really nice. Kind of like Christmas.

Sharon: It's September. I'm not supposed to look like Christmas. Maybe I should go change.

Ben: No, no. Really I like it.

(memo: if you want to compliment someone's outfit, steer clear of telling them they remind you of a holiday – especially if it's not that holiday)

Sunday, while watching general conference and the speaker is giving men tips on how to raise daughters:

Sharon: I think we're only going to have girls.

Ben: No, we're only going to have boys. And they're all going to have red boots.

Sharon: Why would we give our boys red boots?

Ben: I don't know.

Sharon: Well, if our sons are getting red boots, I have to have a pair of red boots too.

Ben: **audible groan

(Admittedly, I'm still trying to figure out what possessed Ben to say boys need red boots. Where does he come up with this stuff!?!)

Sunday, when I bring the 3 loads of laundry that I washed last Sunday, but never put away, out to the living room to fold:

Ben: Holy Cow! You have so many clothes!

Sharon: Ah, and yet not enough. It's such a paradox.

(Too true. Too True.)

It's What Month!?!?

Seriously? March? Impossible. I must have been in a coma for the last two months, because it totally seems like January to me. And it's not just because it snowed yesterday (although that helped).

Life has seemed at a standstill for the beginning of this year. This is mostly due to having too much to do and not having any time to do anything fun. I haven't worked out since January. I haven't traveled. I haven't really been home. It's been, shall we say, a little busy.

Classes have been grueling. And for the 1st part of the year I took on an extra project that consumed a couple hundred hours of time I didn't have. And then I have spent the rest of my weeks catching up. In addition, it is recruitment season at my work, which has required a lot of overtime and working on weekends. Or what used to be known as weekends and what is really just a very long week running into other very long weeks.

This next week is finals. I have to bear my head down for 7 more days and then, I will have done all I can do and the Spring Quarter will be over, as will recruitment (at least most of recruitment). And then maybe life will feel like it is moving again. Come to think of it, it's really not so bad to have your head in January and then wake up the next day to find it's almost April. I like April. It's very springy.

AND these months have not been without cause for celebration. This month we got our tax return back. Happy, happy return. And with it, Ben & I paid off the rest of my car loan and his student loan in one fell swoop. Yeah!!!! I can hardly believe they're done. They were our two remaining loans (aside from the mortgage, of course). I was incredibly delighted. When I get done with all of this winter craziness, I may even throw a party just to celebrate. But now that those are taken care of, I have to admit that I feel a loss. I looked forward to this day for so long. Now what do I look forward to? Never fear. We have enlisted the help of a financial planner. Hopefully he will give us some guidance on what to do next. My guess is he will not tell us to pay off the mortgage quickly, though I kinda wish he would. I hate loans of every kind, really.

There were some other highlights from the past few months of inertia. Ben & I celebrated Valentine's by going to one of our favorite restaurants in Cincy, Daveed's. We actually remembered to make a reservation early enough that we didn't have to choose between eating dinner at 4:30 or 10pm. And it was lovely (and delicious). Other rare news, I impulsively bought us 2 sky-diving tickets with a groupon offer. So, expect some future posting on that adventure, when we get around to it.

Well, It's not over yet, so I must be getting back. The chain at my desk is tugging me to pay attention, reminding me that I really don't have time for this. At least not for 7 more days. Till next time.

Update for October

Ok, I have been chastised for not updating. It's not going to be pretty or poignant, but since my blog posts are neither of those things typically, I won't feel bad about that.

Happenings Over the Last Month:

1) I took a blast class. It was a 4 credit class in marketing and I had to go to school from 8-5pm on Friday & Saturday, two weeks in a row, and then finish a somewhat large, consuming marketing plan project by the end of the following week. It really wasn't so bad and I liked studying marketing. Of course, it's easier to say it wasn't so bad now that it's over.

2) I went to SLC on a whirlwind tour for my soon-to-be sister-in-law's bridal shower. It was a very quick trip. Sorry for not seeing anybody. I flew into SLC at 12am Sat. morning & went to my parents' house and went to bed, woke up at a more reasonable hour, got supplies, set up for the party, visited my in-laws for a 1/2 hour, came back, hosted the party (with my family, of course,who helped out immensely), went to my already-sister-in-law's house for family dinner, went to bed, woke up on Sunday, went to church and then flew home. it was fun to see everyone and, believe it or not, I felt like that was more of a weekend than a lot of other weekends (see prior happenings for the month for reference).

3) I got a job offer from another department at UC. It was the position that I had originally applied for when I first interviewed here -- grant administrator 2. Glamorous, no? I was very excited about the offer. Unfortunately, they made a dismally LOW offer and I decided that I would turn it down and stay in my lowly position of program coordinator for now. What can I say? I've had better offers. I anticipate I will have better offers in the future. So, yes HR. You can keep your ever-so-generous, mandatory 5% raise and give it to somebody else who values themselves as little as you do. Good luck with that(Me, bitter? NOooooo. Ok, maybe a little. but I really was glad to get offered the job. I swear.).

4) I am still in an accounting class. I have a midterm tomorrow and while I have studied for it somewhat, I have been spending exponentially more time procrastinating my studying. I can't wait till tomorrow night when it's over, stress goes away and I can go back to not procrastinating until my next test/project.

5) I am still totally stoked to be going to London in less than a month. Jefe and Erika are getting married! And we are going on VACATION!!! :) I need silver close-toed pumps, however, and am having the hardest time finding a cute pair that is reasonably priced. Dilemmas, dilemmas. Finding the dress was so much easier. Funny -- I encountered the same exact problem before MY wedding. It seems apparent that I am, most definitely, a shoe girl. (in case anyone was doubting that fact)

6) Ben's parents have bought tickets and they are, for SURE, coming out to visit us for Thanksgiving!!!! I am SO stoked. We hardly ever get visitors. And for Thanksgiving! I've never really had to prepare a Thanksgiving meal before, so it should be interesting. I find it all very exciting -- the turkey, the stuffing, gravy. Oh, and having Ben's parents around to hang out with. JUST kidding - that's actually the best part. I think it's going to be totally fun. Can't wait!

7) I had a birthday and, lucky enough for Ben, my favorite present is to go shopping. I know, I know. I require so little thought & effort from my husband. What can I say? I want what I want. And I happen to believe there's a 99% chance no one else knows exactly what I want better than I do. I went shopping last week and victoriously came home with more than I should have. I heart successful shopping trips. Now I just have to return half of it. :) (Oh, and thank you for all the happy birthdays. If you texted me or called, I'm sorry not to have gotten back to you in a more timely manner. I left my cell phone at the store during said shopping trip and didn't have it around for two days).

8) I drove up to Granville, Ohio last Friday to promote our graduate program at a grad fair. it is one of the most beautiful, sleepy towns and it has AMAZING fall colors. It's much more drabby down here in Cincinnati, so the drive up there was a great treat.

9) Okay, so this isn't something that's "happened" really, but I'm still excited about it. Ben & I have been doubling down on our car payments ( I took out a 60 month loan on my Subaru when I bought it in 2008) and we are now only 7.3 months away from being car loan free! I love, love, love this prospect and I can hardly wait.

10) My dear renter, Earvin, decided he was leaving me last month after his lease expired. It kinda stressed me out a little because I was afraid we wouldn't get another renter right away. And I was afraid we would go back to doing shortterm rentals, which is a lot more to manage. Good news -- we found a new renter and with multi-year renting potential and the rental periods are seamlessly close. I love it when things work out this way. Whenever stuff like this works out this well, I can't help thinking, " I'm so glad I pay tithing." It may not be a direct blessing of tithing, but you never know. It just might be. And, in any case, I'm very grateful that investment hasn't blown up in my face quite yet. :)

Life Lessons From a Very Crappy Week

Things have been very tumultuous at my job lately. And they have been tumultuous before (I'm starting to notice a pattern). And as I'm sure you can understand, frequent episodes of upheaval and personal attack seem to cause me...mmm, distress. Regardless, I get up every day, put on my big girl panties, and go to my job to face the day. So far, it hasn't killed me and, shockingly enough, I have not yet run out of "big girl panties" (as a faithful Mormon, I try to keep a healthy stock of all emergency needs, including the panties.)

I've mostly felt frustrated, battered, angry, let down, sad, threatened and unjustifiably persecuted (if I thought it was justified then I'd be in REALLY bad shape). I was feeling pretty pit-poor yesterday. Probably the worst thus far. And I was feeling shocked and pit-poor the day before (though I'm not sure why I was shocked. As I mentioned, this happens at my job frequently enough that I should see it coming by now). I don't like being treated in this manner for the simple crime of having done my job. Dealing with people's egos appears to be akin to walking through a minefield. You can inadvertently step on one at any time, and when you do it will blow up all over you.

Today, I went to the gym for my lunch break, which I have not done in a couple weeks. I wasn't sure what I was doing there because I did not have any mojo in me to run or work out. But I knew I needed to get out of my office. And I figured, even if I didn't feel like it, I could walk. And as I pressed the button to accelerate my walking speed to "actually moving", I figured I could just TRY to run. I ran for 20 minutes at a nice light pace. And it felt good. I spent the whole time day-dreaming about my accuser being in a court room on the stand and me lambasting them for their foolish and incorrect arguments and accusations. I probably could have gone for a lot longer than 20 minutes. But, as I mentioned, I hadn't been running for two weeks. No need to get carried away. It was a refreshing run. Sometimes it's nice to know that even if you don't think you have it in you, if you try, you just might surprise yourself. I was grateful to find that.

Another thing I'm grateful for -- emotional exhaustion. I was really upset Wednesday. And quite demoralized yesterday. But today -- I'm really just too tired to care all that much. Subsequently, I feel a bit of relief. On occasion, a little bit of apathy can go a long way.

Tomorrow morning I am going to a rhythm & motion class at the Cincinnati Ballet with my friend Bette. I am going to salsa, leap and swing my hips. It's my effort to put an end to what has heretofore been a very crappy week. Goodbye week. Thank you for the survival lessons. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Plastic Surgery -- Should It Be So Taboo?

I was just looking at a gleaming photo of Chelsea Clinton and I noticed her perfect smile, obtained by painstaking years of braces. Suddenly, I had a question come to mind that I'd never really thought of before, but which suddenly seemed relevant.

What is the difference between braces and plastic surgery? Of course, I realize lipo can be life-threatening. But both are, for most people, done purely for aesthetic preference. And both cost a lot. But tell me truly -- what is the difference between getting braces versus any other single procedure aimed at altering your physical appearance?

And, no, I'm not actually looking into getting plastic surgery. I just like to ask these kinds of questions.

Déjà Vu

Last week, I went to see my gynecologist. I hadn't been in about a year and a half. I know. Shame on me. The last time I went he asked me when I was planning to have kids. It wasn't the first time I'd been asked, but it was the first time I felt so obligated to share. My response was, "Oh, I think in about 2 years."

This time he asked me the same question.

I had the same answer.

But I'm not declaring it a chronic problem until I answer the same way three times in a row.

Perks

This past monday, Ben went grocery shopping. All by himself. You may think this is minor, but it's really not. We've been married for over 1 1/2 years. Ben's insatiable desire to help me out has overcome his better judgment and brought him where he dared not go before -- the grocery store. Did I mention this is the 2nd time? And the first time was about a month ago.

Some things about me going back to school I really, really love.

A bright morning with a brooding glow

Today I woke up to good news -- my hair looks soft and luxuriously silky. Sweet. These days are rare for me and are days to be treasured.

Despite my good fortune, I still find myself riddled with angst. And here I am, sitting in my office, feeling it fester. As I think it over, I realize my angst could be caused by many things. In the police line-up of fester-causing offenders, I eye the many likely suspects --

Suspect #1 -- my mother ever-so-gingerly asked me on the phone yesterday if I was planning on starting a family. I DO mean every so gingerly. She's often ginger about sensitive topics. But it makes me think that this is something I should be anticipating and planning somehow. I realize she has some expectation in this regard. Yipes.

Suspect #2 -- I keep brooding over the fact that my friend has a treadmill she wants to give away and I, who would be delighted to take it off her hands and have dreamed of having a treadmill at home for years, have nowhere to put it in our little apartment. For the love.

Suspect #3 -- Ben's final estimate for completing his car (which we have been much anticipating) finally came in and is going to make us part with a big chunk of our savings if we want to finish the car (which we do). I hate parting with money. Especially for cars. If I have to spend it, I'd rather spend it on a fabulous vacation.

Suspect #4 -- the many things that battle for my free time -- more school (I just found out my employer, a university, has an MBA program for part-timers. Who wouldn't want a free MBA degree?). Getting back into community theater -- that would make me more happy than more school, probably. But it wouldn't make me as marketable. But then there is YW and then I wouldn't have enough time for that. Or I could take cooking classes. I could also benefit from working out more or... I feel like I should know by now what would make me most happy. I feel as though I have some right, at my fabulously mature 30 years, to do what would most make me happy. Right? But it's harder than it sounds.

Suspect #5 -- I miss the dress business. Terribly. How fabulous that project was. I would really like to be spending my free time on that. And I can't yet. The truth is hard sometimes.

Suspect #6 -- I haven't traveled somewhere cool since my honeymoon and I think that's too long.

The desire to live life to its fullest and cram it as full as possible seem to be synonymous for me. And when I'm not, or confused about how, I get the ensuing angst. What am I going to do? I'm going to get to work. I had a day off yesterday and I think it threw me off. Back to the grind I love/hate. I'll work on shaking down and interrogating these suspects later.

My one solace -- at least I'm taking the time to learn Spanish during my commute. The dream of my 3 month sabbatical in South America honing mi espanol is not dead. Even if it's not realistic. :)

Where I Went

I know, I know. I haven't been around lately. That is so unlike me. But I have been very busy. Not in the conventional sense of the word, i.e. driving around to various places in my car, working like a dog at my day job, or traveling the world. No, no. Rather, I've been off visiting places I really don't like to go and trying desperately to find my way out.

It's been almost a month since Ben and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. (It was lovely, by the way). As the date approached, I had wanted to post something big and exuberant about how fabulous my husband is and how great this year has been. But truth be told, I wasn't really up for it. I didn't have the gusto I needed to write it. Truth be told again, this year hasn't been "awesome" per se. I'd say a more accurate description would be "challenging". And who wants to write about that?

Now before anybody gets any ideas, let me lay to rest a few concerns you may have. I can easily tell you that my husband is fabulous. I am still trying to get him to cook me dinner, but aside from that he's really just great. And I still have hopes of succeeding at the dinner thing. :)

But marriage and moving and changed routines and new jobs and new.... everything -- well, it all threw me some curve balls I wasn't expecting.

I knew to expect a few challenges with all these life changes. I expected to miss good friends. I do. I expected to have to make adjustments in sharing my home with a male. I did (although not that many). I expected Ben and I to fight like children over whose turn it is to pray at night. we do that. And I expected to have my monthly grocery bill go up. It definitely has. But some things.... well you just can't anticipate everything.

Like what, you ask? Hands down, the biggest curve ball was revisiting me as I was at 13. And by 13, I mean the "riddled with baby fat and terrible acne" kind of 13. It's been so terrible. Really, you have no idea. I was waiting for the day I woke up to discover big, thick metal braces had cropped up all over my mouth. It was THAT bad.

Allow me to elaborate: for still inexplicable reasons, my skin has wreaked havoc all over my cheeks, nose, chin, forehead and any other resting spot it could find on my little face and littler forehead. I really had no idea marriage and moving to Ohio caused acne. I still don't know if it's one, the other, or a combination of them both.

And then there was the insatiable hunger I felt all year. Where did it come from? Again, marriage and Ohio are the only culprits that I can find. Well, as I tend to do when I'm hungry, I ate. But I was hungrier than usual, so I was also eating more than usual to satiate said hunger. As you might guess, gradually I got more and more "baby fat" --- which really only looks cute on babies.

I started dubbing it "5 lbs", even though at times the number really no longer applied to, well, the number. But I couldn't really bring myself to verbally acknowledge anything more than 5 lbs.

And then it got worse. Not only did I have the chub, but I wasn't fitting into all my clothes. My CUTE clothes. Now, here is where I seriously get concerned. We all know I have a fetish for clothes. Ben looks at my closet and marvels that I claim to "need" the entirety of its contents. But I run into problems when I can't maintain my weight. I can no longer call my clothes an investment if they only fit me temporarily. And if they're not a smart long-term investment, how will I justify my wardrobe? I won't be able! And what am I going to wear if I can't wear.... all my clothes? Now, THAT is seriously a problem. I knew this needed to be nipped-ay in its bud-ay.

I totally took a proactive approach. Many days, I went to bed very, very hungry, denying my appetite that seemed to be on overdrive. And I ran... a lot. I watched everything I ate. Ok, I didn't give up ice cream, but I never give up ice cream. I did watch the ice cream I ate, (literally and figuratively. Mmm.) I also got a new prescription from a dermatologist for my acne. And I washed my face religiously both morning AND night.

Pro-active shmo-active. None of it had any effect. Puzzling. Believe it or not, previously I didn't try very hard to maintain my weight or my relatively decent complexion. I worked out 2-3 times a week and washed my face in the morning. That's it. And now? I should be looking like a goddess at this point! I was training for a marathon, washing my face twice a day, going hungry, taking meds for my skin.... but still NO SUCCESS. Confused? I was.

Decidedly riddled with acne and chub, I was BEYOND frustrated for the whole of this last year. That's a long time. Poor Ben. I would periodically go off in the car and cry about my descent into misery after having made the tragic mistake of marrying, moving to Ohio and thus, somehow, losing all cuteness I ever had. How was I to know this was what was waiting for me on the other side of the alter? I thought I was jumping into an abyss of all future happiness. In reality, I was just jumping into a replay of my adolescent misfortunes. How tragic.

My one solace has been that the husband I had picked up in all this was, in fact, still great. To Ben's credit, he never once said anything derogatory about my acne or my weight. Not a word -- as bad as it's been, I'm sure it would have been much worse had I found out my husband only loved me because I was thin or had clear skin. He apparently loves me for other reasons, and I have the entire last year as proof. As good as that is to know, however, his fabulousness didn't alleviate either of the problems at hand.

Failing in all efforts to surmount and overcome challenges might cause one to want to give up on life, one being me. Temporarily at least. And I'm not one to support deprivation or underestimate a new strategy. Giving up could totally be the way to go (at least for a little while). So I indulged myself one week and sat on the couch eating chocolate chips for dinner almost every night. You can even ask Ben. It was made more memorable when he tragically sat on two lingering chocolate chips and melted them onto his jeans (on two separate evenings with two different pairs of jeans, no less). Basically, I looked weight gain in the face and brashly taunted, "Bring it." It was fabulous.

Of course, then there's always a day of reckoning when one is reckless. For one thing, Ben banned me from eating chocolate chips on the couch (I'm glad I enjoyed it while I had the chance). And then of course there was the largess of my waist to deal with. At the end of the week I got on the scale to see what damage I had done, expecting to have to devise some heretofore undevisable plan as to how to lose the excess that had now compounded on top of the excess that was already well-established on my short, little frame.

If this entire ordeal weren't already inexplicably odd, here's where it gets even more so. When I finally hopped (I'm using the term "hop" loosely) on the scale, I found that I hadn't added any pounds at all. Quite the opposite. I had in fact lost 2 pounds. As I gazed down at the scale, I was loving my body more and more by the minute for not one reason but for two. Not only had my frame shed some undesirable chub, but a diet high in chocolate was apparently an excellent weight loss plan for me! That's the best news of the millennium, to date. Finally, a diet plan I can get along with!

Since then, things have only gotten better. My skin, again inexplicably, is now clear. And I have consistently kept off five pounds of the "5 lbs" with, basically, no effort and no hunger pangs. I'm happy to say I don't care if I ever lose the rest. Ok, maybe I care a little. But all the same, I feel like I have myself back and my visit back to age 13 has been curbed.

What was it? I have a theory. I theorize that my body was under duress, both physically and subconsciously, because of all previously mentioned life changes. Therefore, it caused my skin to go loco. I hypothesize that the move to Ohio made my body want to bulk up for the long winter ahead in this new barren land, causing my insatiable hunger. And now that a year has passed, my skin and my body are suddenly in agreement --- we're not in a strange land. We're home. And we're no longer dealing with change. We're in a routine now so we can stop freaking out.

But really, I have no freaking clue. I keep having this phrase play in my head, "after the scourges are over." What a plague. Despite the fact I don't know what all of this was about, I can still learn lessons from the experience. For example: I would not make a good military wife. Also, it's rough going back to being 13(I like me in my almost 30's much better).

So, in case you were wondering, I'm back now and I hope to entertain you all with more frequent blogging in the near future.

Conversations On Children

Me: "Adrian's starting to show. I think she's getting excited about it. I told her not to worry. I would do more than enough worrying for her."

Benjamin: "Why do you say that?"

Me: "Because I totally feel overwhelmed for her? Besides, she just got married, which is already a pretty big change. Now everything for her is going to change. And IS changing, actually."

Benjamin: " I don't see why you think about it like that."

Me: "Well, if you were about to gain 20 lbs and get stretch marks and go through all sorts of physical changes and then have a baby and stop working and have a child to take care of permanently.... do you think you might find that overwhelming? It's not like you can get tired of the baby and give it back a year later."

Benjamin: "Well, yeah."

Me: "That's why."

I don't know about you, but it makes sense to me. Maybe Benjamin can be the stay-at-home dad when we get around to having kids. He doesn't seem daunted by parenting at all. Brave you parents are. Very brave. Talk like Yoda I do sometimes. Scared stiff of children-having I still am. :)

Getting To That Point

I was filling out one of those questionnaires the other day. You know the ones. You answer a bunch of questions and then send it to all your friends so they can get to know you better and see how funny you are. And then they do it back to you and you can, in turn, laugh about how funny and witty they are and marvel at your differences and similarities and revel in the nuances various quirks that make us all the individuals we are.

Well, one of the questions caused me to pause. It asked: Are you where you want to be in life? The question didn't seem very difficult at first. I did a quick emotional once-over and decided that, overall, I was a content person. I promptly posted my answer in the affirmative. But then I got to thinking... do I even know where I expect me to be in life? I don't think I do. And where exactly am I headed? Well, I don't think I know that either. And I suddenly wondered if I suffer from a gross lack of expectation. Me! Of all people! I set goals for myself on a bi-annual basis. You'd THINK I'd know where I am and am going. But really, I don't think I do. And I'm not sure what I think about that.

You see, I don't know that I expected myself to be married by now. It just so happens I am. I don't know if I expected myself to have children. It just so happens I don't. I don't know how much schooling I thought I'd have. I happen to think right now I have enough. I don't know if I expected to own real estate now. It just so happens it seemed like a good idea a few years ago. And I don't know if I expected to own a dog by now. It just doesn't seem like a good time yet. And suddenly I realize I made it very easy for me to be content with where I am. I never really wanted to be anywhere in particular. How could I disappoint myself?

Now, I've also thought about my life choices a lot lately. I never decided I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer or a researcher or some other specific field that would take a lot of schooling but would be very profitable. I could have done so, maybe. But I never set the goal. And I had toyed with going to the Peace Corps. I didn't do it though. There were a lot of choices I didn't make that I think I could have and the choice may have been, well, not necessarily right or wrong, but just a choice that would have landed me somewhere very different. Or not.

It may be that I didn't want to make a choice and wanted to keep my options open. But where I am now is SOMEWHERE and I did inevitably make choices that led me to exactly this point. And here I am. Where? Well, I'm not sure. Thankfully, I'm content. Would I have been content had I made other choices? Maybe. Maybe not.

But what a convoluted way to get somewhere? I suddenly feel so directionless. Where do I expect to be in 5 years? I still don't know that. I need some life milestone markers on a sheet of paper marking the years of my life and then I'll post the milestones on the applicable years where I think I'll have gotten them accomplished by. And then I'll know whether or not I'm where I wanted to be. But I don't know what the milestones are. Heaven help me! I'm taking a test and I don't know any of the answers! And it's my LIFE, people!

I just feel so goally inadequate with that question. It EATS me. Suddenly just the pursuit of being happy seems so unaccomplished. So undefined. I need markers, dangit! I want some cold hard evidence that I actually am somewhere, that that somewhere is where I'd planned to be and a way of defining where that is. I need a measuring stick! Something!

And yet, I am pretty happy. Eh. On second thoughts, I'm just gonna keep with my current modus operandi and pick my goals willy nilly as I please. I'll get over the ambiguity of my uncertain future. Apparently it hasn't bothered me too much in the past, being I hadn't noticed before now. I guess my haphazard life suits me. How 'bout yours?

The What Ifs in Life

I am not sure why, but, I have had a lot of discussion as of late about the "What Ifs" in life. What if this happens, or what if that happens, or I don't want to do this or that because what if that happens. In essence, these uncertainties lead people to hold on otherwise smart and important decisions in life. Whether it is changing jobs, buying a house, getting married, buying clothes (ok maybe that isn't a good example), moving, doing anything that might seem smart, knowledgable, or enjoyable. Now, I make no comment in this regard with respect to financial stability or mitigating loss, as much as the thought pattern and philosphical approach in decision making.

Through this, I have come to give this "Freeze Frame" a title. It is called a "Constant State of Temporary". I have noticed this in many facets of life, both my own and others. Everything from...stopping people from making changes or construction on a house, or the way people fix or repair lamps in their apartment, to the way people select their engagements for free time.

For starters, life is completely temporary. I think we know this. There are few decisions that we make in life that will not at some point be altered. Whether job, house, clothes, car, ....I'll leave spouse out of this, just for good intentions sake....whatever. Anyways, the entire life is temporary, yet we wait to make decisions based on a variety of factors, and often times it is the "what ifs" of life.

The Constant State of Temporary is best illustrated by a few scenarios...and don't be critical, the scenarios are just being made up on the fly...it isn't like I sketch these posts out and what not...and there is no way that I can compete with Sharona and her posts of illustrious people, intriguing stories, colorful pictures, and drama...so suffice it to say....I'll stay with my bland philosophical musings, engaging grammatical suggestions, and heartfelt critiques of society!! :)

Less I digress more...scenario 1. wow....I thought this would be totally easier than I thought it would without reflection on recent conversations....uggghhhh....ok, those that may read this that remember us discussing the given scenario are asked to forgive said reference in the fact that it is anonymous and could apply to a large swath of the population.

Ok Scenario 1 take 2 :) : Let's say you have some free time (not a lot, just a couple hours a week maybe), and some extra cash lying around. You've always wanted to open your own business, but you don't because you are worried about the what ifs. Now, not taking into account that the what ifs might be that your boss would find out and throw you out....no that is not what we are talking about. We are talking about what ifs that are purely dependent on yourself....and your close relations. What if life throws a curveball? What if I can't continue with the business? What if the business becomes so successful that to continue I have to quit my job? Do you see how the what ifs can prevent action? Not that you shouldn't think about the What ifs...I am not stating that, more simply, that what ifs are a part of life, and shouldn't prevent action. Obviously what ifs need to be considered, because there is always some risk involved in every decision...and some the consequences are much larger than others. For instance in Scenario 1....what do you have to lose? that you would fail? Ok, so you may lose some money that could have been used on another venture. If that is the concern, you have to value the option as a financial loss and hope it pays off, or else, don't do it. The boss finding out and kicking you to the curb is not a what if, but a serious risk that nieeds to be considered. Perhaps something you should either discuss with your boss o rlook at the realistic probabilites of the situation.

Scenario 2 (I hope I don't get into trouble with this one): Let's say you want to own a house, you are a single individual, whether male or female it doesn't really matter. You are worried about buying a house out of fear that one day you will 1. get married and thereby all the concerns of your spouse not liking the house fall in to play 2. something else will happen, like you lose your job or something, 3. what if my owning a house will make it more difficult to find a future spouse/partner 4. something else crazy, like I don't know, this isn't my concern...so I can't think of all the what ifs.

Now, some of these concerns may be more legitimate than others, but I propose that it should not fall on the what if, but your desire and the "reality of the situation". Let's go on a debunk of what ifs....reason 1. you can always sell the house...does it make sense then that you shouldn't buy one? What is better....paying rent or paying a mortgage? 2. Well, if this scenario were the reason you shouldn't buy a house, no one will buy a house...save a little money and put it away. 3. This has a lot more involved in the other ones, in that it is a completely emotional/subjective concern...I would submit....if they were intimidated by you owning a house...would you want to be with that person? and 4. Something else logical....the point being that there is no concern listed that would prevent action ro is seriously a concern in making the decision to buy or not buy a house like...1. I can't afford it....2. I don't really want to deal with owning a house or 3. some other non-desire scenario.

Scenario 3. (This one will surely get me into trouble, if you don't know why, just trust me, it will.) So, suppose that you have an individual in your life (how much in your life is potentially irrelevant as all the factors should apply regardless) that you would like to up the ante with so to speak. In other words, that you would like to increase the amount of dedication/dependance that you have with one another. Whether you are in a relationship that you would like to take a step further, married and want to rededicate some portion of your lives together, or you just met (or didn't meet yet as the case may be) and want to give it a whirl for funnsies sake....(yes the author of the weekly word just used the word funnsies). Now relationships have more what ifs than almost any other situation you could imagine. They are the most fragile of eggs at any given tipping point (by the way, the tipping point is a great book for anyone that needs a good read), whether it be from friends to more than friends (or friends with benefits as the case may be), or more than friends to significant others, or significant others to whatever is next in your linear hierarchical progression as to the interdependenace and dedication of two (or more) individuals to each other. The What Ifs in this scenario may have more immediate affects than other previous scenarios. But the short answer is....what do you have to lose? With every what if, the answer to the question what do you have to lose should point you to your answer for action or inaction? If the answer that you have more to lose than seems like a rational or good decision, well then, don't do it. If you don't have much to lose other than what you are fine with losing, then accept the fact that it is lost, hope that it isn't, and give it a whirl.

I have outlined a few simple (or not so simple...but probably common) scenarios that will surely get me into trouble later on down the road if not the not too distant future (I hope that all recognize that no identifying marks have been left, so no one in the world should know who you are!). I am very interested in the thoughts of others on the Constant State of Temporary and the what ifs in life.

This Week

Things I'm grateful for this week:

1. My sister -- I'm SO glad she moved back and is close by and I can talk to her and see her regular and talk her ear off about all the details of my me-centric life. She humors me and loves me all at the same time. And she compliments me a lot. I like that too. And she's just awesome. She's not crazy or mean like some sisters can be. She's sensible and nice and caring and has AMAZING perspective. She's awesome.

2. Good friends -- I don't talk with as many people on a regular basis as I used to. My life has changed a bit in that regard in comparison to my early twenties. And I am grateful for all my friends. But I have some very close friends who I love having around, hearing about their lives, getting advice from them when I get to my wits end(which can happen pretty often), going on vacations with, double dating with, planning game nights with, doing choreographed lip sync routines to ridiculous song compilations, hot tubbing with, book clubbing with, going to the gym with.... the list goes on. What would I do without you?

3. Jefita -- I wouldn't be going into business without him. I wouldn't have had as many fun and crazy stories from college without him. I would not have a lot of things without him. He's a great cheerleader, a great friend, a great supporter, a hard worker, a great talent and, overall, a good person to have around. Everybody should have their own Jefita.

4. An ability to budget -- I am not a frugal person. I would say, in general, I am a terrible waster of money and very bad at saving. I am not thrifty when it comes to my wardrobe budget. Especially my shoe budget. I take vacations. I buy new cd's. I like to buy people nice presents. I just bought a new car. I buy expensive cheeses and shop at Wild Oats for most of my groceries. See? Not frugal. But I was going over all my financial obligations and necessary expenses in my head yesterday and going over my income and then the state of my bank account. (I really like doing that. Really. It's fun for me. It's like a weird, twisted, fun past-time I have to look over money and account balances and see where it all goes. I know. Weird.) Well, after all was analyzed, my conclusion is: Wow. I saved all that? With all those bills? On my little nonprofit salary? I am an amazing budgeter! I'm like Houdini! It's like the loaves and the fishes all over again! An LDS individual such as myself might also accredit and sing praises to the blessings of tithing. And I think it's true in this case. But I still like to think of myself as an amazing budgeter. It strokes my ego. But the best part is knowing I don't overspend, as it brings great peace and relief to my soul.

5. Male -- he's a boy with ill-timed napping tendencies, yes. But a good friend pointed out that as far as faults go, it could be a lot worse. On the plus side, he's really nice to me. And he calls me all the time and he likes to see me and he always opens my doors and he always tells me what he thinks as opposed to what I would like to hear (even when it would be a REALLY good idea for him to tell me what I want to hear. But at least I always know he's honest). And he's kinda cute. And I have to admit, I'm a lot more of a stable and settled kind of person since he stepped in than I was pre-Male. Much less neurotic. I know, I know. I'm still neurotic. I'm telling you -- I was REALLY neurotic before. Seriously. It wasn't healthy.

6. Music -- Given the right afternoon and a bit of free time and the right mood, the perfect cd in my car while I'm on a drive just makes me soar. Does life get better than that?

7. Airplanes -- I love love love to travel and I can't wait for my next trip. Vegas. Yeah, baby! After that, I have no idea when or where it will be to. But I know I will like it. I actually just got "roped in" to another business trip in July. I say roped in because I've decided I'll be much cooler if I act like I'm "put off" by the "inconvenience" of having to tear myself away from my life to travel for business. We'll pretend I'm cool like that. Ok, maybe not. I'm not fooling anyone. I love traveling, be it for business, pleasure or otherwise. Love it. And when I'm not doing it, I'm probably day dreaming about it. I love airplanes. They're my portal to everywhere I want to be.

8. Good coworkers -- I love good coworkers. And at my current place of employment, I have a few really CRAZY coworkers. These crazy coworkers magnify the fabulousness of the other good coworkers I have by A LOT. I like and appreciate the good ones twenty times more than I did before because of the crazy ones. Funny how that works? Thank heavens for working with people who are fun and helpful to work with.

9. My curly hair -- I don't always wear my hair curly, but I have been a lot lately and I've decided I really like my curly hair. I hate it sometimes when I have a bad hairday. I have very thick hair so as opposed to a person with a thinner head of hair, my bad hair day tends to be a lot BIGGER bunch of bad than they're smaller bunch of bad (im my humble opinion.) But despite these traumatic, large-headed days, I like my hair a lot lately. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and growing to like myself better than I used to. For whatever the reason, I'll take it.

10. My appreciation for basketball -- I actually like to watch basketball. I don't really do it of my own accord very often because I like shopping better, but when persuaded to watch a game, I really enjoy it. Male loves watching basketball and has asked me to watch many games with him over the past few months. I think our relationship would be less fun for me if I didn't actually like watching with him. Or maybe it would be less fun for him because I wouldn't be willing to do it. Either way, I like that it's a non-issue.

I didn't have too many big events or details about this week, but lots of things have struck me that I have been very grateful for, so I wanted to list them. I also updated the Sartorial Freshman as a lot has been happening with the business, so that might be why not a lot of other stuff has happened.

It just so happens that sometimes, rather than having been to a place physically, I feel like I have gone to a very profound spot, worthy of note, inside. Just those little moments where something true rings very loudly and makes you stop and notice for a moment.

'Tis WHAT Season?

Many years ago, when I was a struggling awkward teen, I was also melo-dramatic, riddled with black and white, defeatist thinking and sitting through life, waiting for good things to happen to me. Of course, very few really did. It took many years of trial and error to figure out how to be the instigator of my own good things. I started exercising and eating well (this was a process akin to evolution, and it takes just as long. Talk to me in a few millenia and I may have truly evolved by then.) I became actively engaged in my education and started getting involved in things of interest to me. Suddenly, life was mine for the taking. Opportunities abounded. I became I doer and one who controlled my own destiny. I could get whatever I went after if I had the ability to achieve. Or so I thought.

Nowadays, I'm not too sure how much control I have. I definitely have a hand in things. But control? Hah! For example, take my weight (I apparently like to talk about my weight). True, I weigh less than I did in high school, now that I have regular exercise, a higher muscle mass and eat a more balanced, regular diet. Within certain limits, however, my weight fluctuates of its own accord. For the past six months I have fretted over five pounds. As far as I can tell, I haven't been eating all that differently than I usually do. Nor have I been exercising that much more. But I've been THINKING about it a lot more. I have been anxious and scrutinizing about exercise and eating. When I found those five pounds, or when they found me(as I suspect they did) I MADE SURE I did not overeat and MADE SURE to exercise -- as opposed to when I normally I just do it without thinking. Despite this mentally deliberate behavior, the five pounds rested defiantly on my frame, unbudged.

Now we segue into late summer/early fall. My habits remain the same, with perhaps a few less cold smoothies for lunch. But I still eat ice cream for dinner on occasion. I exercise, but my ankle hurts so I've been resting a bit. I gave up on the five pounds and, instead, bought jeans that fit.

And now? It appears the pounds are shedding themselves from me. That's right.I predict that soon, those fabulous new jeans I just bought will be a fixture in my dresser, waiting to reappear on the occasion those five pounds decide to visit again. I really can't take any credit for this weight fluctuation. I have changed nothing. To be honest, I don't think I have enough discipline to change much if I tried. By now, I think the pounds just come and go as they please. And I must say, it provides little incentive to ever enlist the help of a trainer or a nutritionist. Instead I feel like I should surrender to the master of my hormones, or fate, or the winds that blow, one of which MUST be the cause of all this.

It seems that way with the rest of my life too. Seasons when I need lots of sleep, seasons when I run around all day, seasons when I have lots of obligations, seasons when I can't stand to have any. Seasons when I keep in touch and make plans with everyone and seasons when I seem to lose touch with the world. These are all kinds of seasons I seem to have little control over. They just happen to me. I couldn't get myself to do anything else in a given season than what I seem to do. My only hope is that, as I pass from one season to another, I remain enough of a constant as to not alienate everyone and everything I pass to and from.

Right now is a season of many changes. I am considering career moves. Maybe a new job. Maybe a law degree. Who knows? My living situation is changing (no, I'm not moving. But everyone around me is.) My focus at work is more zealous and on-task. I can't seem to stop working (what a lucky employer I have.) I'm cleaning more often.

It's like an awakening. I didn't know I was asleep before. And why this awakening? I can tell you for one thing, it's NOT A conscious effort on my part.I barely know what hit me! Why me? Why now? Why not six months ago or in a year and a half? My brain is abuzz with ideas. I want to paint my room. I want to study for the LSAT. I want to change careers. I want to be in a play. I want to travel. I want to do my hair and get fresh makeup and a fresh new look to match. I have a vision, and by golly-gee it must be realized! At least some of it. My vision is so pretty, it would be such a waste to have it not be. Especially those new shoes I've been dreaming about. Pretty vision, indeed.

I graced this awakening with a spring cleaning this past weekend. Yes, I know it's fall. What can I say? I'm a late bloomer. My car was cleaned inside and out. And I organized and filed all my papers -- that's the sign of true cleaning effort for me. I never touch papers until "it's time". I think I needed an organized clean space for me to create, dream, do and realize -- apparently a must-have in a season of change. I even bought new towels and hot pads for my kitchen! I haven't done that since I moved in three years ago. That's a definite sign. A sign of what? I'm not sure, really.

Things are shifting, and so I shift too. And I have all these ideas and so many dreams. I wake up each day and make a plan, and start to "make things happen", thinking I might be moving towards my goal. Like an artist, taking various colors and objects and making a masterpiece, only I'm working with my life and not a fabric canvas. I try to create the picture I want and go for whatever it is I think I'm after.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I bother. Despite where I will the winds to take me, I am certain they will take me wherever they darn well please. So much for control. But I DO get to choose what I wear every day. I'm certain of that. Thus, I think God put me in charge of wardrobe.... and that's about it. Let's hope this piece of work includes a female who looks very well put-together, whether she be plus or minus 5 lbs.

Too much or Too little

So, I have been at work for the whole time of 2 months. Yes, not very long to be at the new job, and already, I am having slight concerns/anxiety attacks. We all know that the balance of too much or too little is a very delicate balance, especially in regards to work. If we have too much work, well, life just isn't very fun now is it. Working all day and all night, and every time in between. (oddly enough, I seem happier there.) Too little and, well I guess this depends on the individual, but I get a little worried. I wonder if there is enough to justify my salary, or me being an employee, or for that matter, is this a sign for me to start looking for a new job.

I do understand that life in the legal field is, well as far as I can tell, completely different than any other field I have been associated with or known about, yet I am sure that there are some basic things that are just the way humans function. However, I find myself in the position of having to ask my boss (I haven't posted where I work have I? ugghhhh!!) regularly, almost every day or two, for more work. I like to pat myself on the back and say that I work more efficiently than he expects, but in reality, that excuse only goes so far.

So, this begs the question, and opens for responses...what do you do? Are there ways to talk with your boss about the work flow and getting more work without being annoying? How do you comfortably suggest that he may not be doing the best job at managing or assigning work? Or should I just leave it as is?

Regardless, this has spurred on the fear/drive/desire to really start looking into bringing in more clientèle. After all, if he isn't going to give me as much work as I would like, than I may as well bring it in myself...now I just have to find that rock that all the clients who need a lawyer are hiding under.

Where Greatness Comes From

Some people seem destined for greatness. I am currently reading, or perhaps rereading, I know Why the Caged Bird Sings, by Maya Angelou. I say perhaps because there have been a couple sections of the book that seem very familiar to me, but the rest of the book seems completely new. Thus, I would say I'm more just reading it rather than rereading because it clearly didn't sink in the first time I went through the book.. or 1/2 the book. What I did before was more akin to my eyes grazing across the words with no absorption. Anyhow, this book is a classic and I am thoroughly enjoying it this time around. I took a minute to read Maya Angelou's biography in the back. She's amazing IF you didn't know. This woman has achieved greatness. She has come up through very difficult circumstances, she has an amazing story, a worthy cause, a keen intellect and she can make music with words. In fact, she has been doing just that for quite some time.

There are some people who appear to be truly destined for great things. They are delivered this package of great potential and a perfect mix for going on to do something amazing with it. I watched soccer last night with Male and his brother. Argentina and Brazil were playing, their two rival teams. There was a player on the Argentina team who had amazing talent. He was probably all of 18 yrs old. He's already one of the best players in the world and making millions. I'd say he got a good mix for greatness.

And then I think of me. I keep doing things in life hoping that some day I might stumble across something I really want to do. In the meantime, I make do with what I find I have some kind of aptitude for, hoping to make as good of use of myself as possible while I figure things out. This does not seem to me to be a good recipe for achieving greatness, for the most part. I could be wrong. But it just doesn't seem like it.

Don't get me wrong. I don't feel sorry for me. I am lucky to have been blessed with many talents. I can draw pretty well. I sing well. I can write some fun songs on the guitar. I'm a good speaker...blah, blah, blah. However, none of these things are things I do amazingly. I'm average. Maybe slightly above average in a few things. But not great. I have yet to find the Greatness that Nelson Mandela was talking about being hidden within each of us that we're afraid of. I wish I could have a long talk with him about that quote of his. I've been looking everywhere for mine.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm letting it pass me by. I wonder what great cause I was given to champion that I am neglecting. What fabulous enterpreneurial endeavor am I failing to envision? Under what rock is my passion for "whatever-it-is" hiding that I have yet to unturn?

We may all not be destined for greatness. At least not the newspaper article, emmy awards, million-dollar income, or mass-hunger solving variety. Sometimes your not the man who will walk on the moon, or the next female real estate mogul. It reminds me of a poem that said something about, if you'r de tail don't ye try to wag de dog. Be who you are. Don't be what you ain't. So, what if you're a daisy? Your job is to recognize that and proceed to bloom like crazy. That poem made so much sense to me when I read it years ago. Just be who you are. Duh. Right.

There's only one trick. How do you know if your a tail or a daisy? I know it may take all the fun out of self-discovery and finding out, but I wish I had been given an outline for exactly what I was. I'm fine with being a daffodil if I'm a daffodil. But I'm not sure if I'm a daffodil trying to be a tree, or an artist trying to be an athlete or a whatever else one could be while not knowing and trying to be something else. I was giving so many average talents and more interests than I know what to do with that I'm not sure what to focus on. So it makes it a lot harder to just "get to it." Ya know?

As you can see, I find my life job description to be slightly less clear-cut than the poem might lead you to think it is. I have thus concluded it's a deceptive poem. I didn't know that years ago when I read it. Figuring out what you are is an adventure. A LONG adventure in my case. Someday I may achieve some kind of greatness. But imagine it will not be of the Maya Angelou, Louie Armstrong, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey variety. It will be...... something. I hope. How's that for definitive?

I think my job for the moment, while I try to figure out my job, is just to keep doing what comes across my path that seems worth doing. Someday Iwill know if I'm a daisy or a tail or a tree or whatever I'm supposed to be. And I can wonder and hope that between me and my great work, eventually one of us will find the other. In the meantime, the music of life continues. And to that I say, "Play on, friends. Play on."