Uncharted Waters

Life is always changing. I love it for that. And sometimes I hate it for that. As I grow older, and try to grow a little wiser, I try to make sense of where I'm going and where I've been. Of course, where I am is also a good place to look.

I'm working away at school and work. I'd like to finish my MBA. I think it's a good thing to do. And Ben and I are working on building up savings and paying off debts ( my car loan is the big ticket right now).

I still consider myself as being in an adjustment period, despite the fact that I have now lived in Cincinnati and been married for almost 2 years. I think I will always be in an adjustment period, no matter how long I'm married for or where I live.

My independent streak doesn't die easy. There are some things I love about the single life. I lived it for so long. By its very nature, it lends itself to a lot of personal indulgence and even decadence. Married life has its own decadence, but there's no question that you give up some personal freedoms and, for me, a certain amount of irresponsibility that I felt entitled to while single. I'm so much more responsible when married. It's by all measures a good thing, but it's still different. I haven't gotten a speeding ticket married -- good thing. I haven't gone on an unplanned, unfettered or unrestrained shopping spree either -- probably also good but much less fun. I haven't gone missing for an entire Saturday, doing whatever I fancied and telling no one, since married. I will cease and desist in the things I miss about my life as a single girl. Suffice it to say, a few past indulgences are missed.

Now that I have my own family, my place at church has also changed. Before, I was single and I dwelt in a realm of singles at church. Now I am a married. And while I dwell among married people, I also dwell (pretty exclusively) around married's who have children. Ah, yes.... children.

I was in a gospel doctrine class in my home ward in NJ last week and heard a poignant comment made by my old YW President, "we tend to think of ourselves as exceptions to the rule." I could be a little paranoid, but some things I've read in the Ensign and church lesson plans, and things mentioned in conversations I've had with close friends and family, were ringing in my ears when I heard that. Most notably:

"you shouldn't put off having children."
"Don't wait to have children until you think you can afford them".
"You shouldn't put your career before children."

Are you noticing a theme? People haven't necessarily said it just like that, and for the most part my family has been very unjudgmental (at least to my face) about our not having children yet. But advice is advice and the Apostles of the Church tend not to mince words. And in one way or another, It's obvious that I am guilty of all of these things. Up until about 2 years ago, I waited to have kids because I wasn't married. That's a really good reason, in my opinion. And by the time I got married, I had at least a couple of things I wouldn't have had if I'd gotten married earlier (mostly, I think of my car loan and mortgage). So, I tend to think of myself as a little bit of an exception. But I have other friends who were married around my age. And I am hard-pressed not to notice that they have children or/and are pregnant. Their reality is proof -- I COULD go ahead and have a kid. The real crux of the matter -- I don't think I want to yet. And I admit to wanting things to be, "just so" before I have children. I don't know if it's really ok or if it sets me off as going on a path that would be better diverted. But I find myself on this path all the same.

Here I am, 30, married, acquiring my 3rd degree, working full-time and still marveling at, learning from and watching the morphing of this thing called marriage. I have hopes of being a working mom, and of having adorable children to cart off to Primary on Sunday who cling to me for comfort, like I see children do with their parents. It all looks very appealing in my daydreams.

But in the literal, less day-dreamy, version, it is a very binding thing to become a mother. And in consideration of how responsible I've become since I got married, there's only one direction I can go with the gravitas of motherhood. I don't know how much more responsible I can stand to be. I fear I might get lost somewhere along the way. Moms do that. And I really like me, meaty thighs and all... as egotistical as that sounds. As far as I can tell, I'm the best me I've ever had.

And then, even aside from whether I'd be a happy mom, there's the other end of it: would I be a good mom? I know I'd get the kids clothed. I'm pretty sure I'd bathe them regularly, make them brush their teeth and make sure they're fed healthy food and are educated. But those are all task-oriented things. I'm good at check-lists. There is more than check-lists to parenthood.

I have lost a lot of my playfulness in my embracing of adulthood, and, admittedly, I lack understanding for the unreasonable things that children do. I think I will not be the most empathetic or fun mother. I will probably be a party pooper and sometimes stern. I may even be impatient. For some reason, I have an overarching fear that I will be like my grandmother. I feared my grandmother. My most clear recollection of her is having her reprimand me for whispering in the back seat of her car shortly after she had reprimanded me for talking... in the back seat of her car. Ok, so I don't think I'd do that. And I know I can be a fun adult. But I'm not sure I'm much of a fun mom. I suppose I can relinquish funness to Ben. Is it ok for a kid to only have one fun parent?

My past years have brought me many opportunities. For the last 10 years, I was left with the task of being a responsible, independent, self-sufficient, happy adult. I already started to wend my way through this life. I am no blank slate. I take ownership of that path and I have appreciated who it has helped me become. But what about this new job? Admittedly, I'm a little timid and reticent to totally let go of what I know. I'm fumbling and procrastinating the inevitability of my retirement. I'm bracing myself before relinquishing my past career as an unfettered female. I suppose you could fault me for wanting to leave things "just so" before I start on this next journey. But part of me think it's fair that after all those years, I should be able to leave things neatly and finish a few things up. After all, I didn't exactly choose to be single all those years. And that time wasn't a little part of me. Right now, although I know it's temporary, it seems like it's a whole lot of me. I marvel most at how free-wheeling my friends are in letting go of it. I don't know how they do it.

I'd like my life to be moving in a happy direction. And as I walk this path, I hope, above all else, that it is the right direction. It's anybody's guess. I haven't wended this way before and it's nobody else's way but my own. It could be alright. It could be all wrong. But note taken -- I'll try not to take exception to too many rules.

Plastic Surgery -- Should It Be So Taboo?

I was just looking at a gleaming photo of Chelsea Clinton and I noticed her perfect smile, obtained by painstaking years of braces. Suddenly, I had a question come to mind that I'd never really thought of before, but which suddenly seemed relevant.

What is the difference between braces and plastic surgery? Of course, I realize lipo can be life-threatening. But both are, for most people, done purely for aesthetic preference. And both cost a lot. But tell me truly -- what is the difference between getting braces versus any other single procedure aimed at altering your physical appearance?

And, no, I'm not actually looking into getting plastic surgery. I just like to ask these kinds of questions.

Hiking in the Ohio

Ben and I have gone hiking twice this year, so far. Both times, we were happily surprised to find impressive scenery. One of the great things about Ohio is that the landscape is so GREEN!!! Humidity only has a few perks -- 1) you don't need as much lotion. 2) moss grows everywhere and makes for very colorful and vibrant landscapes. Our first hike was back in April to a place called Bryant Park.

(Ben hiking through the mossy rocks)

I really loved taking pictures of a lot of the things that grew there


Here's me at the beginning of our trek

Here is a cool picture of a rock that looks like it was split by the trees growing in between:


WE most recently went to Hocking Hills State Park for July 4th Weekend. We actually camped out, thanks to our new fabulous tent (we forgot to take a picture of that). We made eggs for breakfast that morning. And here is one happy camper:


We started out that morning with a 6 mile hike from Old Man's Cave to Cedar Falls and then came back again via the Upper Falls Trail. The difference in landscape is so dramatic from anywhere else we've seen out here! Here's the start where it opens up into Old Man's Cave (named so because a reclusive old man made this place his home in the 1800's)


There were trees growing upside down in the canyon. It was cool to see how they maneuvered and found their way to the sun:




























The trees also liked to grow right over the rocks. It was really cool to see their rootwork:








Crazy, right!?! There were also a lot of butterflies flying through the gorge. One of them sat down on the ground for some cameo close-ups:




I couldn't control my urge to want to get some tall landscapes in this place It was just such a deep place, and the trees were so tall and cool. I wanted to try to capture that. (Besides, I love the stitch feature on my camera. I think it's cool.):
























Another remarkable feature of this hike: how well groomed and carefully crafted it was. The stonework made me feel like I was visiting Helms Deep from Lord of the Rings (I know, I'm a total nerd).









There was a whole lot of green, as you can tell. But there was also some amazing contrast in color in some of the rocks. We wondered how on earth those colors got there.







An indispensable feature for any awesome hike is WATERFALLS! This hike did not disappoint. Here is what they called Lower Falls:



Here's a video of us at Whispering Falls (sorry that it's sidewise. I thought I'd be able to flip it later just like a photo. Apparently not.)


And here's Cedar Falls (fun fact: there are no cedar trees here. They are hemlock trees. But the people who got here first and named the place didn't know that)



Ben found a tree he wanted to hang out it. We recommend, if you try the same thing, to bring something to brush away the spiderwebs first; :)



All that hiking made us very hungry. Ben was especially hungry. Here's a picture of his perfectly-cooked hobo meal (he was very proud):


It was huge. If you need a proportional comparison, here's a picture of Ben's HUGE hobo meal next to my normal-sized hobo meal:



We finished the day with exploring the area by car (one can only hike for so long) and then heading into Logan, Ohio to watch the fireworks. I was grateful for many things that July 4th. I am grateful for a country that preserves cool places like this. I am also grateful for the small towns who live near them so I can buy an Icee on a hot day. I am grateful for fireworks ( they were totally cool. Sorry we forgot to take pic's of that!). And I am incredibly grateful I do not live way out there and that there are places like Cincinnati to return to. You know, places with shopping and fancy restaurants and shows to go see. What can I say? You can take the girl out of the city, but.....

Superlashes

I used to have trouble applying eyeliner in a straight line. Finally, a few months ago, I figured out why. On one of my eyes, I had a few extra eyelashes growing above my lash line, kinda like a 2nd row. I plucked the excess lashes and had much better success.

Then, yesterday, Ben came up to me and said I had an eyelash that was twice as long as all my other lashes. So, he plucked it out for me.

It appears my eyelashes are having a hard time being contained. They just want to break out. I have to admit, it makes me wonder what would happen if I ever got a prescription for Latisse. I'm thinkin' it would be nothin' but crazy up in there.

Horoscoping the GMAT

Tests are funny things. They seem so defining. They can be devastating or be the cause of much jubilation. They're often consequential. Almost always, they reaffirm or reveal what we know, as well as what we don't know. I recently took a pretty, little test called the GMAT. The results were enlightening and they've been on my mind ever since.

I'm relieved to report that getting the test results wasn't a devastating experience. I even did better than anticipated. All in all, I found the detailed results breakdown to be very predictable. I also found it very surprising. Ironically, the surprise was that I was shocked at how predictable it all was. I looked at the results and thought, "Holy freak! I should have expected these!" I've had similar breakdowns in ASVAB's, SAT's, ACT's, and GRE's. And I felt so labeled. It knew me. It knew about the other tests. It told me I hadn't changed much. And I just wasn't expecting all that.

With so many manifestations, one would think I'd have seen this coming, right? So, now that the GMAT has restated the obvious, I am left to wonder -- what am I supposed to do with this information? Or, better yet, am I doing what is best to do with this information? Because, clearly, these personal attributes are not going ANYWHERE. And I think a good strategy would be to accept and embrace these apparent strengths and use & abuse them for my benefit. Right?

FACTS ABOUT ME REAFFIRMED BY MY GMAT TEST

Fact 1. I am a good test taker, (especially with timed tests). I, likewise, work well under time constraints and things of immediate concern in most other areas of life. I'm a quick decision maker and I like to take action.

Fact 2. I'm really good with the English language. My verbal score was pretty kick-$@!, as was my analytical writing score. Again, I was marginally aware of this aptitude, but the GMAT made it blaringly obvious.

Fact 3. In math, I am not so highly aptitudinal -- I got a less than kick-!@& score on the quantitative section. Did I mention the test results were predictable?

In an effort to "accentuate the positive," I am left to consider my uncanny knack for all things verbal. And, to some degree, all things immediate. What does this mean? Does it mean anything? Maybe it's a loud call from the heavens that I should have really chosen to be a reporter. Or that I should be doing something more artsy and wordy and not what I'm doing now. My insecurity that I have yet been unable to etch out my perfect job has been totally exposed by this test.

I keep hoping that somewhere in the depths of the test results lies answers. Am I getting the right experience? Am I even close to being headed in the right direction? Is this mba degree pointless? Should I have really just taken the LSAT? I should have? Crap. (just kidding.) In my little subconscious, I believe these results mean something. I want to read the results like a horoscope section or an advice column in the back of a magazine. But if they are in fact anything remotely like that, they are also tragically more cryptic.

For now, the most certain meaning is that I can get into the MBA program here. That's the good news. The bad news is I think the results also just told me that I am forever going to be the assistant who people hire to write things for them. That is so less exciting than what I was hoping for.

PS - if you know anyone who knows how to do GMAT Horoscoping, let me know. Thanks. ;)

I have officially been chopped

Déjà Vu

Last week, I went to see my gynecologist. I hadn't been in about a year and a half. I know. Shame on me. The last time I went he asked me when I was planning to have kids. It wasn't the first time I'd been asked, but it was the first time I felt so obligated to share. My response was, "Oh, I think in about 2 years."

This time he asked me the same question.

I had the same answer.

But I'm not declaring it a chronic problem until I answer the same way three times in a row.

Pepsi Update

So, I have successfully been without Pepsi since my last post, despite the fact that I have a personal supply in the fridge at work.

However, I did have a drink of Coke at a pizza party at school, and I've had rootbeer on the weekends with Ben (we really like rootbeer floats), so I haven't really given it up. Indeed, I do have very little self-control. But I DID abstain from Pepsi after my workouts. It's progress, right?